Kips

I've learnt a very valuable lesson this week, communication is essential, explain how you feel and maybe an apology to him for being distant. I agree with Ilse about the crush thing or maybe he justs likes her as a friend, one of my closest friends is male and people read way too much in to. Good luck!

Moving on is one of the hardest things you can do. Have you tried going out? Making new friends? Hobbbies? I know your self esteem is very low at the moment but it will help. I really envy you being able to work in other countries I would love to do it. Hes not worth killing yourself for because thats you over and he'll still out their enjoying himself, moving on. Its hard yes because you haven't wronged him, you simply grew apart, 3 months is still a short period of time but look to the furture in another 3 months time, things could be better for you and so on, make little plans for your own future give yourself something to look forward to. Dont expect overnight miracles! And you are very welcome anytime.

Personally I think you need to move on, sounds to me that he doesnt want to be with you but is finding it hard to break it to you. Give him some breathing space. Forgive me if I sound harsh but I don't think he will be their for you in 2 years, sounds like hes already moving on and your not. Its hard I know I've been there (I suspect the majority of the world has at some point) but in 2 years time you'll have moved on yourself (hopefully) and he'll be just a distant memory. Hes giving you false hope and you are clinging to it. Hes already told you he doesnt love you whats going to change? You have said yourself hes moved on and you havent please try to. Good luck I really wish you well.

Is there something in her past that makes her feel insecure? Being let down off friends, previous partners, family? Or has she been spoilt and is used to being the centre of attention and expects it automatically? Why can't she come to see you as appose to you going to her, if her need to see you is that desperate? (or is she like me a non driver?) Whatever the root of her problem is, she sounds to me like shes emotionally blackmailing you. A healthy relationship to me is being able to live apart, persuing your own hobbies/interests, compromise and so on. Sorry I'm not really helping much. Maybe you can trying putting aside your own anxiety and tell her how you feel. Communication is a key issue in relationships, I learnt that myself this week! Vent away, sometimes getting it off your chest and expresing yourself can make you feel 100 times better.

Thanks Helen, I think I was going threw a temporary mid life crises!! My advice in the future for people is its good to talk and dont presume what a person thinks they may agree or understand!!!! I had got myself in to a box over this and I'm really grateful for you straight talking.

Many, many thanks again. Everything is sorted with my hub, we've had a long chat and everything is ok, and we've both learnt valuable lessons. He actually suggested that he has a chat with his mum and ask her to stick to arrangements as it isn't fair to other people when she changes things to suit herself or to mislead people. I'm just so amazed because it seemed as if he got so much of his chest a lot of things were bugging him me (naturally!!), his mum, the kids. You know anybody who has a problem I would strongly recommend they do talk, we did it over the phone as hes away (hes a long distance driver so hes away most weeks) I was so dreading him come home and now I cant wait for him to return, I'm counting the days down. Again thanks I know I just babbled the problem out but I really appreciate you taking time to read threw it and advise me because now I'm really looking forward to his homecoming!

Thanks for answering. In answer to some questions. Yes I do phone both sets of parents to find out how they are, we communicate at least once a week more often if there is a family crises. Do I listen yes I do, I love to hear what other people have been up to, how they are, this goes for both sides of the family. Do I thank my mother in law when when she offers to take the children away or if somebody does something for us, yes I do, she accutally tells me not to thank her because its what she wants to do with them but I still cant stop myself from thanking her, I also offer to pay their share of the costs because she is retired and I dont know her financial situation and certainly would never want to see her short of money (there are so many horror stories about how short of money retired people are these days) because she loves her grandchildren and wants to spend time with them, I dont have a problem with her wanting to take them away nor would I ever dispute her if she said enoughs enough I dont want to anymore. Do I show appreciation for my dad giving me a lift or if others help or do things for me. Yes maybe I haven't expalined myself very well. We are a family that does things for each other, we rally round in a crises and we are there for each for the highs and lows, I will do anything for either my in laws or my own family, doing this has acctually overcome a fear of hospitals, one in law went in to premature labour and I watched her baby be born it was undescribable (the rest of the in laws where away on holiday btw and I asked her to stay with us as she had split wth her boyfriend and she would be alone and it was her first pregnancy) Yes I know I could be of a greater help not only for myself but for others if I could drive but its a fear I cannot overcome yet (pathetic yes but proffessional advice and the advice off my driving instuctor who saw what I went threw have told me to take my time and do it when I'm ready) and I'm lucky people understand why and accept it, maybe and I certainly hope one day I will drive. Do I have a life of my own (yes) and do I rely on other people so I can pursue my life. No, if my dad hadn't been there to take me to the station I could have managed to go and taken kids to grandparents. On a day today basis I do travel, using buses, train and so on, its something which I dont think twice of nor do I find it a hassle but I do know people who do drive find this difficult to comprehend, that I can be bothered with this lifestyle!!! But I've never driven and as the saying goes what you've never had you never miss. Have I ever asked for the kids to be babysat, I'm not one for going out, I tend to do hobbies and my things when the kids are at school, if the offer has been made to look after the kids so I can have a night out, yes I've took advantge of it. The only times I recall asking for help with kids is in an emergency and if we've been invited to a social event where kids have not been allowed, fortuantely emmergencies have been covered but on social occasions I've sometimes given them a miss because there has been nobody to babysit and I certainly would never want or expect people to change their plans for me even tho the offer has been there. I think maybe this is why I've took to heart my mother-in-law not being truthfull with me and me blowing the situation well out of proportion because we are a happy family (yes I've reread my original and I know I've not protrayed us this way) I can honestly say on the whole we are a happy family, the only time my hub and I dont see eye to eye is he wont accompany me to family funerals, hospital appointments as I do for him, its not that I need him to but just having him there would be a comfort, I dont have an issue going on my own, I think the word I'm looking for is moral support and maybe I dont sound as if I've accpeted but I'm learning to. The only other conflict as a family we have is that like I say my mother-in-law does bend the truth slightly so she can get an extra hour or so with the kids which I know is done out of love for them but I wish she wouldnt go to this measure and respect that my family want to spend time with the kids also. Again many thanks for answering my whine, I do appreciatate it and no I'm not going to my parents with this, I knew that deep down in my own mind when I joined here I wasnt going to, I needed unbiased advice which I'm getting thank you!

It all started out when I found out that my mother-in-law has lied to me. She was taking my children away for the day and I was meeting up with my husband to have a weekend away together. I don't drive and she told me that I would need drop off my children (she never offered to pick them up even tho she picks up her other grandchildren several times a week) so I asked my dad if he would pick us up and drop me off at the station and then the kids off at her house. He said yes and my mum offered to make their meal, I said yes thanks explained to my mother-in-law what was happening. She said if it was too much trouble just to drop the kids off at her house then for my dad to take me to the station but I said no it was fine thanks the kids wanted to wave me off at the station and I asked her was she going out that day because I didnt want my dad calling when she wasnt in, she said she would be in all day. Because of misunderstandings in the past and me and my parents falling out over miscommunications involving her I asked her again if she was going out and she said no, so it was agreed that my dad would drop the kids off when they were ready. My mother-in-law was having the kids for the whole weekend and we had seen more of her recently that my own parents, my parents were having the kids for a couple of hours. I phoned my dad later that day to see if kids had been dropped off ok and he said mother-in-law phoned him and said she was going out and to drop the kids off ASAP, fair enough you might think mother-in-laws plans had changed she needed to go out but my husband told me that she goes out every Friday (I didnt tell him otherwise as I didnt want to spoil our weekend) So fast forward to this weekend. We called in at her house to pick up some presents we had ordered for kids for Christmas. She said where are the kids? I said at home as we were doing some Christmas shopping for them and dont want to spoil the surprises. She said are they old enough to be left? I said yes (my kids are in their teens) We went home and I told my kids what she had said. They announced that she had left them home alone when she had gone out the weekend they had stayed there!!!!!! Later that evening my hub and I were talking and I mentioned what she had said and he said its because she cares. He then went on to mention the fact that over the years I've had disagreements with my parents and that hes never had any with his. Yes I admit I have had disagreements with mine mostly due to the fact I've misunderstood my mother-in-law and my parents have called me irreseposonsible where the children are concerend not listening to arrrangements made, hence why this time I asked her twice if she was going out or not. At one point I thought I was going mad because I always seemed to get arrangements wrong. My hub and I have spent all weekend disagreeing on things and I know its my fault because I'm wound up about her, we also got in to a discusion about when I wasn't feeling well at a wedding and didnt speak much, I'm a horrible person for doing that according to him but when people do this to me I got to live with it. When it comes to support even if he is in the right or wrong I give it to him, if hes hurt or gone to hospital or someone in his family has died or if he has a disagreement with his friends but if I'm in that boat I'm on my own. So by bedtme I was just so wound up, yes its pathetic I know and after a day of disagreements, hearing how wonderful his relationship with his parents is etc etc, I just wanted to sleep I was so tired but he had other ideas and when I didnt agree with it I got pushed and shoved and told where to go. We havent spoken since and hes away at work for a week. Only plus point is of this mess is my mam and dad are much closer to me and have apololgised for beleiving his mum over me. I would actually talk to them about it but they've had a tough year my mums mum died and now her brother might have cancer. I just dont know what to do. One thing I did realise is he doesnt normally speak much so maybe hes venting off at me and if Im talking to him it never seemst go in, I know I talk to much I can see that with what I've wrote here and when I see people I know I never shut up either but I dont know how to break this habit. Thanks for reading.