embracemydesire

You are the most powerful drug. Your thoughts are the most powerful force. Your mind can create paradise or it can manifest chaos. But it's all about your actions. Thoughts can paralyze you. It's all about what you want to feel. I'm very depressed at the moment. Things just keep getting worse. But I know they won't always be like this. It will eventually get better, so why allow it to get worse? Change now, why wait?

When you see a train off in the distance hurling towards you, why do you wait on the tracks? When you feel depression taking over your life, why doesn't one do whatever they can to stop it? Often times in my life I've seen negative things potentially coming. Instead of doing everything and anything I could to rectify the problems, I started to worry. Worry turns to regret, regret turns to despair, and soon you start thinking of why you are even alive. Some events in life are instantly traumatic and may cause suicidal behavior. The loss of a loved one, extreme embarrassment, going to prison, getting a terminal disease, etc. But for the most part, it seems that depression is a slow and methodical occurrence. You break up with you girlfriend/boyfriend and you're sad. Sadness turns to laziness, you stop taking care of yourself, stop working/studying hard, stop doing what is fun, and the pain just snowballs. It's like you suddenly feel comforted by pain, the more the better! What can I do to make myself feel worse? Crazy thoughts arise...if I could only take one pill or push one button and end it all, if only it were that easy...if I could blink and die, how fast would my eyes close? You should welcome depression as a challenge, as a sign that you're not doing everything you can to thrive. Sometimes your thoughts are so overwhelming you just don't care. I've never had a real relationship, I don't have any friends, I don't have a job or my job sucks, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I have a disease, I'm a criminal, I'm a drug addict, I'm stupid, I'm insane, I'm not normal, I'm worthless -- why am I, at all? However, there is always something out there. Something that makes you smile. Something that gives you hope. Even a year with 9-months of winter darkness has 3-months of sunshine. There's light out there. You have to realize, you have to embrace that there is NO alternative. There is no reason not to eat healthy, to work hard, to grow, to learn, to improve your social skills, to evolve spiritually, to break through the chaos and live a life worth living. It is never too late, it's never too soon. It's all about now. Suicide is never the answer, because there is a greater reward for those who live honorable lifes. Everyone has felt the way you have. It's all about choice. Keep in mind, that 75% of the world, billions of people, would gladly trade places with you any time. Even in your lowest point in life, you are lucky. You have more than a chance, success and happiness are inevitable if you just open your mind to it.

How does a person completely change? Is it overnight or overtime? I seem to think it's overnight -- like a switch going off. You can't be gradually responsible, you either are or aren't right? Of course, there's 'to change you must first become the change'. Change is inevitable. You slack in school, you eventually fail. You quit your job, you'll end up broke. You don't pay your bills, you arrive in a place you wish you weren't. You neglect the ones you love, you lose them. I think the real mystery is this, how do people who have suffered tremendous losses, whether actual or perceived, remove that from their mind and focus on real happiness. How do you forgive yourself for mistakes, for stupidity, for selfishness, and so forth? Why do most people find interest and intrigue in the faults of others? Is it to feel better that that wow I'm at least not like them? How do well known people bounce back from publicity saturated meltdowns and misconduct? If you are 20, or 30, or 40, or 50 how do you say, well for 99% of my life I've been this way, but today I'm going to change! I'm gong to resurrect a child-like curiosity and ambition and revolutionize my existence. I failed, I procrastinated, I squandered opportunity, I've lied, I've cheated, I've deceived myself and others, I've hurt, I've exploited, I've committed crimes but now, this moment and forever, I'm a complete new person. Is it possible?

Thanks for your responses. They really helped. Thank you especially jilligirl, you'd made me feel sane in a time when I reflect back upon all my mistakes and feel like there's something wrong with me. Appreciate it.

I feel stupid, lazy, and dishonest. I feel like I've cheated myself and others. In school, I was regarded as very smart -- honors, et cetera. My 8th grade year was fantastic but my transition to 9th grade was devasting. I went from being popular, the beautiful girls, and passion for life to being ditched by my best friends. My self-esteem was destroyed. I ended up partying more to regain my friends. I had my friends back, but I stopped honors classes and ended up barely graduating. I still was depressed. I look back at see ridiculous stupid mistakes I made, over and over. Stupid ideas or people who influenced me to think the wrong way. I cut corners and short changed myself. In college, I started a business with a friend. It wasn't easy, but we kept moving forward with it. I quit college to pursue it. When thing didn't go well (and after 9/11), I became very depressed. Slowly but surely I came out of it and put things back in order. Later on I went on a vacation with a friend. When I came back, my whole world was destroyed. I was falsely accused of something I didn't do, but it happened at a time when I was fighting with my family. Several things happened all at once. I voluntarily went to a psychiatric evaluation and was told I was okay and released. However, a day or so later I was arrested again. I was revisited in jail by a psychiatric evaluator who had a page of of half-truths about me. I was moved to a hospital for a 72-hour evaluation. Being in jail for something I didn't do really aggrevated me. I ended up leaving the hospital against the rules. I was arrested again. After a mild disagreement with another patient, the staff forced medication on me which I refused. They're was a struggle and the next four days of my life I don't remember (I was heavily sedated). apparently I was paraded in court during that time in an orange jumpsuit with my hands and feet shackled (for a misdemeanor charge). When I woke up I was in a maximum security evaulation center in a prison hours from my hometown. I was there for a month with other patients, all on felony charges like rape, armed robbery, and even murder. After my release, I had my court case to handle. It took over a year with threats from a prosecutor about felony charges if I didn't plead guilty, but I maintained my innocence and they dropped all the charges against me. (There was actually video tape evidence of my innocence). My reputation, my life, everything was destroyed. I wanted to sue, my lawyer said I had a guaranteed case, but we never did. I went on and everything was well for awhile. I focused on my ambitions and kept moving forward. Several years later I again was arrested for false charges, this time beaten by police (on video tape), was taken to a hospital for the injuries, and then to jail (for misdemeanors). Later I was falsely charged with 2 felonies (first time in my life) and held in jail for 30-days. Then they decided to drop all the charges and release me. It happened in a notoriously corrupt city. I feel so wronged by this. I accept responsibility for where I am in life and I know I'm at fault for somethings. But being falsely charged twice in my life, held for 30-days each time, and the charges dropped is hard to reconcile. People don't believe you. They still blame me. For someone who was so smart, I feel so stupid. I wish I could personify my true desire and stop being lazy, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop everything and reinvigorate my life. I feel like a tremendous failure. One of my main motivations has been to fight back for being falsely charged and clear my name by a lawsuit. I also feel lucky, I still have my business through all of this. I'm decent looking and have some very positive things, but I think I've just been tramuatized and have never had a real chance to express my feelings. I just ignored them, always remained positive and tried to replace my hurt with frivalous things. The one amazing thing that I've learned is that everyone has felt the way I do, everyone has made mistakes, everyone has been slighted by life an unfair ways, but not everyone reacts by doing nothing, or wallowing in pity, maybe for a period of time. At some moment, you just have to grow up, rationalize the things you can, forgive the things you can't and make your life better for today and tomorrow. I know only I can do that and that I'm only worthy of it if I work hard. May I fully embrace my desire and let it bring me everything I need. Thanks for listening/reading.