Batya33

No I actually wrote the opposite: "Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative. I am not finding that here." Good luck to you and hope you stay in good health in these challenging times!

Yes- so I'd explore the weird part because you're reacting to the weird part in potentially harmful ways.

I'm not arguing or debating. Not interested in doing so. I know of many examples counter to your blanket "never" statements and I'm not interested in sharing those with you because from your continued reactions to what people are writing here-waste of my time. I help a lot of people as a friend, an acquaintance, a complete stranger too with charity and volunteer work. I help people through my work as well. And I am a firm believer in my own boundaries so if I am asked for input -as you did on this thread -but am met with pie in the sky challenges, obstacles, word twisting, deliberate misinterpretations - I'm done as my time is best spent elsewhere. Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative. I am not finding that here. At all. I still wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

Right of course not -you told him it was a gift. So it is. I'd really explore why you choose these behaviors and reactions to help you in the future in interacting both on dates and just generally in life.

Also you have no idea why he wanted your number -perhaps to share it with his business, spam you with sales calls, etc and please don't give information to strangers about your marital status. A woman once approached me at a supermarket in the evening. I was exhausted, doing a quick shopping after work -and I was in my 9th month. She said "can I ask you a personal question -what month are you in?" I turned to her, and simply and directly said "that's my personal business" and walked away. No need to respond to strangers!

I would not interact with a person who behaved this way. My family and I were in Europe last month on a long bus ride to a historical site. Two guys got on and had been drinking. Maybe 20s-30s. I was sitting alone and my husband and son across the aisle. I was minding my own business. One started asking if I was dutch (no we were not in the Netherlands LOL) and I ignored him. He talked to me again and flirted with a woman a few rows back. Somehow he hacked into our phones (via wifi on the bus) and called us even the next day (we blocked all calls). Point is this person who "approached" you in the way he did could have been up to no good like this guy. Approach in public can be totally fine. It's contextual. I chatted with my seatmate for a few hours on a flight -a guy - and turned out he was a famous singer/rock star lol. I chatted with a man while waiting at the gate at an airport and we discovered we knew people in common and his wife was a politician I was familiar with -but she wasn't there. I've met men in "public" places but I would never respond to a man just coming up and asking for my number even at a planned event -or a woman for that matter. That's inappropriate and weird unless it's an established networking event where people come specifically to chat for a minute then exchange contact info. I think approaching for dating purposes works much much better in an environment where it's expected -whether it's a dinner party or the playroom at a museum where parents gather with their kids - yes, I met a man this way -not for romantic purposes -but we started chatting -his wife was home unwell - and our kids played together for hours, we walked around the museum together and we exchanged contact info. But -when I contacted what I did was message his wife on Facebook, tell her how I'd met her husband and son, and suggested we all get together again. That is what I mean - people who want others to be comfortable and do their utmost not to give off a weird or inappropriate impression take extra steps and forethought before communicating or contacting. Truth was I ended up having tons more in common with her husband than her but my priority was behaving appropriately. A man who approaches a woman in public how you described likely missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught. I've rambled but I feel strongly about these sorts of things.

How serious were the two of you -you tell someone you're serious with you "can't hang out anymore" -were you dating seriously or hanging out? Were you clear you wanted no contact with him? Also yes why haven't you blocked the number?

Why in the world are you sending him that amount of money in this situation? Is this something you're routinely comfortable with -sending this amount of money to people you don't know well -and especially since you're very unsure about where this is headed. He took you on a first date -many people treat on a first date (although a couple hundred bucks sounds like a lot for dinner but whatever). You think he's being demanding but he's picking up on your reactions -you're ok with him sending you all those sexually suggestive texts and then you flippantly offer to spend all that $ on him - so him asking for a ride is sort of based on the vibe you're giving off - he's a person who pushes the envelope right so where's the shocker here. What's really going on here with you?

This woman is different. Also why would a woman want to spend all this time with a man in a committed relationship without asking to meet her, do an activity all together? Example- about 17 years ago when my husband and I were first dating seriously my friend P - a guy -asked to meet up on a Friday night. I said that we should all go out - my boyfriend included and he agreed but asked to meet me alone an hour earlier because we could catch up more personally. He'd never met my boyfriend. I had never dated P. I met him at a high school reunion -not my high school -we knew people in common, I'd considered dating him and suggested lunch (years before I was with my boyfriend) - then had lunch and discovered we would not be a good match. I don't think P ever knew, it was all platonic, I got over the initial "attraction" quickly after that and we stayed friends. It was the only time in all these years my husband objected. He said it was a Friday night -our date night -and it was inappropriate for P to suggest meeting me alone an hour earlier. Especially since he'd never met him. I called P. P agreed actually and apologized for suggesting it and apologized to my boyfriend and did his utmost to be a friend to him (yes, successfully). Communication worked but I chose my bf -I actually didn't see how wrong it was but respected that my boyfriend did and he was my priority and was being reasonable about the compromise. It's often a gray area!

Agree with this question. If he has asked that of you know he is not looking for a relationship as any priority - his priority is to meet you and have sex with you.

With rare exception most people experiencing physical or mental anguish are willing to seek medical attention. Likewise with rare exception most people who ask for advice because they are feeling pain of some sort and dismiss including rudely all suggestions likely are benefiting in some way from remaining in pain such that the benefit outweighs the effort of seeking treatment or a potential solution. You get to remain in your negative comfort zone and the attention you get for your venting is worth it as to you negative attention is better than being ignored. I had anguish for a time about being single in my late 30s and wanting a husband and family. It was extremely hard to watch as one by one my friends found their spouses and moved on and got pregnant etc. in hindsight what I realize is I benefited because I didn’t have to accept that being with the right person required me to accept someone who was available. Where the excitement by definition wouldn’t come from the thrill of the chase. Where sometimes it would be fine or even “meh” but not like on adrenaline and waiting for his call. Because he called. He showed up. He was steady. He wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted me and only me. No need to win someone over. No need to strategize how to get him to want me still. At least not after the first couple of dates. I had to accept that true love means you create your own excitement - you have to be the person who’s an involved partner. It’s not like a car wash where infatuation washes over you because you breathlessly wait for his call. I wasn’t always like that or like that all the time but enough that I got in my own way. I felt anguish. I felt misunderstood whining about how I just wanted to meet the right person and not settle. My mom was so tired of me complaining. My sister too. It was boring. But to me it was painful. Mental anguish. With all those wedding invites and baby shower invites and well meaning but hurtful comments in my face again and again. so please don’t come here thinking you have the monopoly on the anguish of being unhappily single. And turning to porn for comfort. Stop biting the hands that are trying to feed you. Stop getting in your own way. If you’re up for the challenge. Are you ???

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable. Please know that when I was 35 and over and looking for a husband and potential biological child my age was a true deformity to those men who wanted a baby and didn't want to risk a geriatric pregnancy or the higher risk of infertility or potential genetic deformities. So I can relate in that sense. I could not control my age or the age of my lady parts so to speak. Egg freezing was not yet an option. I went on a couple of first meets where I was asked how I thought I was going to be able to have a baby. It was treated like a deformity I promise. I didn't blame those men. It was risky to try to have a baby with me! I gave birth at 42.

Oh ok- and so? Is it a positive? I mean no - but it can be neutral! I have c-section scar, I am short, wear glasses (horrible vision!), and I have a higher risk of stroke than the average person but I mean why should I let all of that bog me down? Why do you?

Yes it is when it has to do with work -it can be. I think people should date who they are attracted to. I declined to date men who I was not attracted to. Sometimes the lack of attraction had to do with physical features, sometimes intellect, sometimes their mannerisms, body language, tone of voice. I was not discriminating since they weren't applying for a job with me and of course all else equal I would have treated the person equally in other situations - like in public, or as an acquaintance or coworker. I worked with many many people who had a variety of disabilities and disorders and I worked with those people just like I worked with everyone -with respect and professionalism. No one has to date anyone they don't feel like dating for any reason. Some people do discriminate - a person who is racist and decides not to date a person of a certain race because of their race is declining based on racism. But a person who decides that when it comes to dating they prefer to marry someone of their own ethnic background is not discriminating - that person is simply choosing who to have an intimate relationship with.

I can relate to what it's like to get in ones own way of finding a happy situation, a good relationship. I did for years. Not as you are but still got in my own way. I was lucky my husband wanted to get back together years after we broke up. I could have settled a number of times. I wasn't beautiful or glamorous or like I said tall/model like. I likely was intimidating to those men who were insecure about their worth -more so than other women I guess because of the career choices I made - I had specific criteria although they were values based mostly and a short list of musts. I loved how certain women dismissed opportunities because the guy was short. Gave me even more options! One of my husband's serious ex girlfriends was taller than he was and my short ex boyfriend married a woman taller than he is. I mean it takes all kinds. Generalizing will just continue to get you in your own way. I'm also the mom of a teenage boy so I know from peer pressure, generalizing, examining ones own worth and playing the deadly comparison game. I work on these things with him regularly. I'm immersed in it. I get it.

But it's not discrimnation -it's dating. People are entitled to date who they feel attracted to! Some men found me too short or my hair too frizzy - that wasn't discrimination -they just didn't want to kiss me lol I guess. My husband had no need to compensate for anything was my point -he was perfect for me. I didn't care about his height and generally felt more attracted to shorter men than taller men. My husband became successful because he wanted to and worked hard and loved and loves his work - not to compensate, not to get women. He wanted the right woman. He had relationships including long ones but didn't date just to date, was very selective with who he got involved with because he knew his worth. That is in part due to my inlaws - how they raised him - oh and they weren't tall either. They made sure that they instilled in him the values of confidence -not arrogance! - humility, respect, kindness, compassion and a great sense of humor. He decided to take the ball and run with it so to speak. Does he like when people have said obnoxious things about his height? Of course not -why would he? He's a normal person. But does he try to compensate or need to -nope. Like I said he's not perfect. Neither am I. But he's perfect for me. No points to prove on my end! I didn't need to compensate for my loudly ticking biological clock other than by hurrying up and getting pregnant lol. Some men decided not to date me cause I was over 35. Not discriminating simply not wanting to rush into starting a family if we wanted biological kiddos.

Where I live there is no common law marriage and I with sharing physical space I think it matters why the couple is choosing to live together. My friend and her partner have lived together for about 16 years and have a teenage son. I think they are domestic partners, not married but obviously there's no real difference. Another friend has lived with her partner in New York for many years. He told her early on he had no plans to marry again. They are not married. She wants to be. She settled for his terms. To me they are not like married because he doesn't want to marry her. My husband and I officially lived together after we married. We were engaged for 6.5 weeks before getting married. We were expecting parents about 8 months before getting married. To me we were not married but our commitment to each other was like a marital commitment. Living together had nothing to do with it and didn't strengthen our commitment or make us more married. Taking our wedding vows and becoming parents shortly after did.

LOLLL. I preferred dating men who were shorter than average. Most people asked the question about genetic deformity of course would "prefer" but obviously in reality it's not true. My husband is and always has been very very successful and not just financially. Nothing at all to do with his height -has to do with his intellect, emotional intellect, compassion, kindness, caring, and ambition as well as passion for his work. Nothing to compensate for whatsoever. Another one of your silly generalizations. Yes some people -even people who are tall -have that napoleon complex trying to compensate for some perceived or actual flaw. One reason I was able to find a good match is I treat people as individuals. People feel comfortable around me because they know I won't make generalized assumptions about them, much less negative ones. I likely wouldn't have dated someone seriously who was shorter than me because just as I wasn't really attracted to very tall skinny men I wasn't attracted to men under 5"2 - but I dated and was attracted to a few men who were my height. My husband is taller than me and shorter than average. Perfect for me. Have no clue what people assume cause I couldn't care less.

I thought he meant to reinforce the notion he has of himself that a woman won't want to procreate with him because his deformity as he sees it -is potentially hereditary. Watching the porn he describes reinforces for him his opinion that women want a perfect looking partner and if their partner is not they will seek sexual satisfaction with a better looking partner. OP my husband is short. I am short. I knew it was probable our offspring would be short. It had zero impact on my desire to be with him, to marry him, to have a child with him. Who is a boy and short for his age. With a big heart he was born with and I'm not taking (much lol) credit for it.

Anything is possible - everyone comes with flaws and imperfections - and yet most people accept this and do their best with what they can't control and what they can. You can come up with a hundred scenarios to justify staying in your negative comfort zone and continuing the pity party. How about instead dealing with your actual reactions here on this thread as opposed to musing and speculating about what humans do or do not react to subliminally?

I think the huge relevant difference is they are not married. So yes on the practical, logistical stuff. Not necesarily on the commitment end depending on their purpose in living together. When you have a marital commitment or a marital-like commitment then the boundaries are often different as are the discussions because they're from the perspective of forever/the long term. Playing house doesn't necessarily relate to any increased emotional commitment or sense of the long term.

Oh that's really too bad. I never push therapy. That would be silly. Never seen anyone push therapy on this forum in all my years. I have seen many people ask for advice but in reality they want to vent and be validated at how awful a place the world is, how society is causing all their problems, etc. Certainly never give money to someone who would pretend to care in exchange for money. I never thought of therapists as caring in that sense. They are professionals providing a service in exchange for money. I would hope they care greatly about doing the very best by each of their clients and working as hard as they can to provide the best service possible. Similar to other professionals like massage therapists, electricians, lawyers, accountants, nurse practitioners, etc.

Oh I don't know any such thing nor have I seen anyone else on this thread even suggest that. What an odd comment!!!. I see what your agenda is though in "asking for advice." So I'm out and good luck as I wrote above.

No you confirmed that you missed the point. Or perhaps you are choosing to miss the point because it's easier than making an effort. All the best and good luck to you.

I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Female therapists are not necessarily going to be less intimidating. It's an individual thing but also a professional thing - a person who is let's say very assertive in real life might choose to modify approaches/behavior for his or her professional life that includes interacting with clients or customers. Especially therapists. Whoever would tell you a therapist can change human nature or external reality? I'd never ever go to any professional who had those sorts of claims. My financial advisor who is a professional with decades of experience called me for my annual review of my portfolio. We talked candidly about how I was doing given inflation, all that is going on. It's like me saying to him "who cares about inflation - you're the professional and you're supposed to transform my portfolio into something that is growing at X percent despite inflation -who cares if I'm doing better than average under the circumstances -you're supposed to change external reality or you're not doing your job!" No - he works with realistic perspectives. So do therapists I suppose (I am not one, do not have one, know and know of many). A therapist cannot transform anyone. A therapist cannot promise that his or her patient will become a "functioning member of society" (is that even a thing -with a professional definition? Doubt it). A therapist can be a facilitator -using his or her professional experience, background, tools, to guide his or her patient to making different choices, perhaps shifting his or her perspective and that therapist is not related to or friends with the patient so there's also professional objectivity. The patient does the work. With the therapist as his/her guide, facilitator, perhaps even sounding board at times. I have friends who have children with autism -who are on the spectrum and with the guidance of various types of therapists I've seen these children grow into older kids/teenagers who have skills -including social skills -that help them function and better than function. For example. My father suffered from bipolar depression most of his life. He married my mother who is an awesomely incredible human being, had a successful career, raised two children and a cat, and a big part of this is he committed to seeing a therapist most of his life and also committed to a medication regimen. He was a "functioning member of society" despite his immense challenges. He didn't date much because he met my mom when he was 19 but he had friends and tried his best to be a good husband and father. His best -meaning far from perfect -it was really difficult at times. But yes it is more than possible. Good luck and I hope you stop getting in your own way. I got in my own way for years in other ways and was just darn lucky to wake up and smell the coffee before it was too late to meet my personal goals of marriage and family.