aving21

dont know what to do really. Maybe meds will force me to be content. Im seeing a doc next week for a exam to see if im stable enough to be in public...Or else im going to a mental hospital for 2 weeks.

Ive gone on every day but im just not all there. I dont care about anything i do its like im a zombie. But i guess im moving on

Have to do it...ITs too late my life is done im sorry im going

Of course i wouldnt. I hope no one i love never feels this pit. I call it this pit..=/ Im just not as strong as i once was.

I cant leave my mom...Im in tears...I hate this * * * *

Im tired of fighting it. I just one day i could wake up and be ok. And you cant tell any one how you feel because people are so damn ignorant. I have tried 4 times 2 serious 1 was just a cry for help 1 got caught but this one will work. I just dont want pain. because pain is what im trying to end.

Ive been through that theyy dont help. Meds mental hospital..100% security. And im still like this. I just cant live like this. The one person i lived for doesnt need me and i helped her through so im done. God saved me from one suicide for me to help her. Now my use is up i have to go.

I was 16 when this started. I had come hoem early from school because my football coach was giving me crap about how i dont fully us emy potential. But i didnt care and teh phone rings. ITs my dad who i havent seen or talked to since i was 4 asking for my mom. He didnt knwo it was me..How could he know. I say shes not here. He says can you tell her lamont called and hangs up....My dad he calls and doesnt even care about me. Thats when it started and went downhill from there. More into the football season the less i cared and just stopped goign to practice. I played significant ammount of time for being a 2nd year. I would look over at my gf and smile. Cheerleader Football player duo. We broke hearts. Every where we went people said how we looked so good together and we were meant to be. We are. But i cant be happy. I persuit my hockey career always thinkning since i was 6 id be in the NHl and i was damn good. I was goign to attent UM camp after junior year to get a spot on the team after i grad. I blow out my knee Cant play sports for 2 years. I lose my newly aquired scholarship and fail in grades My dream was shattered.I push her away tell her im hopeless tell her to find some one who can love himself. But she sticks by my side . Go into junior year i have 4 suicide attempts. I take pills once and she calls my mom and they take my tyo the hospital and pump my stomache in the nick of time. I am enraged because she stayed on the phoen with me pretending she didnt call my mom. I hated her for that. But she saved my life. Im taken to a mental hospital with kids who just scare the * * * * out of me. One tried to hang herself with a shower curtain one throws up on the nurses. I lie my way out of there in 2 days. My gf my mom and step dad visit me. He starts to notice my mom cares more about me then him and their marriage goes downhill from there. My mom starts smoking.. But they visit i see my gf my love! and just cry in her arms.. My protector. I get out and shes my life. she is teh reason im alive if she hadnt called i wouldnt be typing this..But i move on i treat her descent. A voice in my head says im gonna kill her by taking her home senior year.. So i refuse to give her rides home. She gets hit by a bus..i rush to the hospital she s ok just banged up.. Life goes on but every day i wake up asking why im here. And why i have so many people who love me and i just cant be happy.. So i cut my wrist..Doesnt cut deep enough back to the hospital but htis time i just come back home. I pull away from my gf cant make her go through this and after 4 months or so i feel just fine... We graduate we are so happy Grad night is so much fun we fall asleep and almost miss the ride home.. She stays at my house for the first time.. My mom is mad i didnt tell her but gets over it..Summer goes by perfectly...until i just dont want to see her..I want a break i tell her she crys but says ok.. I go out with another girl but dont like her..But still see my gf shes been partying goign out with friends but no guys and just doing everything..I never forget this...We make love one night and i ask for her back she says ok...I bring up her party attitude every 3 days she gets sick of it. But we do fine College starts i give her rides every day but she doesnt do * * * * for me that goes out of her way. I have a job she doesnt. I fall back into my pit her birthday comes i please her with everything but im 100% not happy now and she notices. I put up with every one i wake up every day wanting to be dead but just push on thinkning this is teh last day i feel like this. We go on descent but im so distant she pulls away..We have a couple bad months and now she thinks we arent working..I slit my wrist. She says shell be there for me because i need her i tell ehr shell come back because i know she will..I cut and cut and cut and want to die. But find mrs tricky has already warned my mom and all the bottles are empty. So i just cry over losing my love. And now im here i realize what my depression has done to every one. Failed my moms marriage Failed my own relationship and Failed my future drove my mom to smoking so now im finnaly done. I cant live a lie im dead. I knwo my gf will miss me and come back but ill be dead by then. I dont knwo hwo but this time i wont fail. But id just like to say thanks to all you who have pulled me through my issues with my gf and really gave me a source of community. The fact im typign this is a sign i still want life. I guess im just looking for a reason too. I plan on doing it tonight but i want to tell every one how much i love and appreciate them. But i cant wake up sad any more. It hasnt gone awy after 2 years 2 manic deprssion diagnostics and too many meds to remember. I am done fighting this. I always thougth it would get better but it just hasnt. Goodbye

I was sitting in my room and i found a pair of her little shorts she wore to cheer. Little Green Spandex and i couldnt stop crying. So i lay down on my bed on the pillow she uses and fall asleep i smell ehr there wake up swearing shes right there. Best feeling in the world waking up and seeing a sleeping angel drooling on your pillow knowing you have to sneak her back home but selfishly waiting till she wake sup and freaks out. I know this is early and i know im vulnerable but i went out with my friends and met up with some one i knew in Hs shes hella short 5"1 im 6"2 but when i looked at her jess flew out of my mind. I almost wanted to just ask her out but i told myself " dont put another girl through your pain" And just went home early. Looked at my phone with no missed calls and held in the tears. Nothing really compares to a women does it. Theres nothing better in the world then having some one you love lean on your shoulder when shes tired. I want her back. I want my love back. More pain but still not sad. I cant turn on the radio We had a dance for every damn song on it. A little cute thing to do . We were so weird but it was cool because we were weird together. We woudl give each other high fives then jump in the air yelling YES!!!!! we wer so happy not a week ago. Now this.....But yet i still feel confused i feel like all i want to do with my life now is work and become some one. I want to be somebody some one you read about in the papers. I used to think id be in the NHL i was AA going to USA junior camps and a possible candidate for next years junior team but then in a freak accident hit my knee blew out and i was gone. My future since i was 6 gone. This feels the same way.. One week shes ready to move in next week shes ready to move on...Feels like everything i do is doomed for failure.. So i have descided to check myself into a corectional facility before i kill myself because the overwhelming urge is too much....Its not just her its everything..It seems liek everything i strive for in life goes as good as it can but has a sharp hult in the end. It never dies out slowly.....Mayeb because i dont go to church..I pray to god and considermyself very religious but i see church in a negative way..Every time i go its about what you MUST DO what you CANT DO and i beg Jesus when i get home to forgive me...I just cant handle it..I want to call her because she will be there...She would give me the comfort i need...I dont wont stupid drugs they just make me feel useless....Everytime i try to explain people say " you have it so good why are you depressed...I see the blade i always use get a surge of strength and flush it own the toilet then reaalize that wasnt such a good idea because it was the toilet >.

The worst thing about me and my gfs "breal/Breakup w/e it is" is when she sleeps at my house she uses another pillow. Now i use that pillow because it smells like her hair and it makes me feel like shes right there. =(

Havent cut since that night. Yah i have to write a review to even get an interview but i think i can do it. I love her though. And i will hang on to that until its obvious its not the truth.But if we are meant to be were meant to be eh. So ill leave that to fate and worry about myself for now. But what if she wants me back. Do i work things out or do i not care until i find myself. I think she will come back but im growing apart from the fact that i might not want her as my gf maybe just as a friend. Maybe this will make us tsronger but all i see right now is negative. So if she calls do i try to work things out or do i still focus on myself until im ready to face her with a whole heart behind me. It troubles me because im unsure how i will react because i know she will realize stuff. But now i think im going to just tell her im not the person i wanna be and ill get back to her when i can. Even though that would hurt like hell. This isnt about getting her back anymore. This si about getting myself back. And now all i see her is as a future choice im going to make. Just asking can i still find myself if i get her back? Can i still settle my problems. Or should i put off any relationship until then. Can we work things out on our own and together or is this impossible.

Staying strong and my feelings are mellowing down. I might get a nice 40 job and i might actually move to tenesee. I just feel so lost. She says she doesnt want to let go of me but now i do. I just want to be loved by some one who knows they love me. And is sure of it not some one who lovs me but is unsure of the current situation, But i cant help but want that person to be her. Shes gonna call i can feel it but i can feel myself moving away from her. Why does it hurt for me to feel like im starting not to care? It hurts moving on and it hurts losing interest for her? why is that? Some one said great advice in my other topic worry about her "no" now and worry about her "yes" in the future. I just really hope i land this job. Ive had a intimate dream about her both nights since ive seen her and i just want her touch. And i know i can have it! Thats what makes this hurt. It hurts to know if i give in i can just be friends and still sleep with her but it hurts to know shes ok with that so im forcing myself to move on. But i dont want to move on!!!! I dont want to get over her and meet some one else. I guess i want her to become what i want in her . But i feel myself moving on and it hurts. if i completely move on will i look back and laugh at this? Or will i look back and say why did i move on.

that is the most helpfull thing i have yet to hear.... IF i get over her its like its ended and if she comes back then thats a whole diff thing.....i see

I just dont understand if your having a conflict within yourself how can you say either or to some one if your not sure. Why didnt she think it out to what she actually wants Instead of trying to balance me on the fence till she figures it out. But its true she has no solid friends. No family to go to and she has always gone to me for everything. I feel so bad leaving her in the dirt but i feel so bad for her leaving me on the fence. So now i have descided i wont contact her unless she has a problem then ill determine if its worth it to help her or if its just her wanting to talk. If she never calls. I never will and i will slowly move on. The thought of some one that KNOWS they love me makes me smile. Just part of me wants it to be her since she was my first and i hers.

I told her im not talking to her because it would basically be me talking to her through my friend....I wont contact her. If she calls whichi think she will i will tell her that but if it works we still have hardcore * * * * to work out and we still have to find our way on our own. So basically she wants me as her best friend intimacy and always there for her. But doesnt want to worry about my feelings? Does she realize how stupid and selfish that is? Will she realize what she wants is basically me back? And will i even want her back. I love her to death but...Im not a fan on mind games. And if this girl loves me like she says she does then i guess she needs to make up her damn mind. Can i tell her this? or does she need to figure it out on her own.

So i hear from her close friend today. She tells me that she thought it wa steh hardest descision and bla bla and that she misses me. And how i am being unfair about how i say all or nothing. That why would i give up on her after so much weve been through. I GIVE UP ON HER?????? * * *. she tells her she wants me back after awhile and that she doesnt want to lose me during her time alone because i am her best friend and the only person who cares about her. Sigh this just gets more and more complicated on my damn head.

Whether a break or breakup it still feels temporary. I guess ill just busy myself out of thinking about it and eventually the feeling will go away. Another thing is do women find a man in loss attractive? I havent been myself at class and i am getting more female attention than i have had in a long time. And the sight of an attractive girl or a smile just creates a pit in my heart. Like after class on Friday a girl approaches me and says hey ive never seen you around before and i thought she was gorgeous so i couldnt even look at her i laughed then walked away.

I just dont like how it feels temporary. Id rather have either confirmations. But she cant even give herself one. I want to go on and assume we wont be back together so i can heal. But it just feels temporary. And i cant stand it because i cant feel hurt or happy. How long will this go on. will i subconsciously move one? Or will i give up and go through pain that i should be goign through now. I was so hurt up until Friday then what she did gave it that temporary feeling. I hate this

I know the situation i just dont like how she left me confused. Id rather have a defined emotion ratehr than being so confused. She showed she wanted me why would she do that??? I can move on and sort time off. I am doing NC for that as well. So that every time im sad i dont have to pick up the phone and call her and freak out if shes not there. I know cutting myself from her will solve my own problems. But How do i get this temporary feeling out of my head when it feels so strong in my heart. Like i will move on i will take all the time to solve my own issues. But why is that feeling so strong in my heart since i could tell she sstill wants in this just not as she is. Is this feeling bad? Will it slowly fade away until i realize im not waiting. IM NOT WAITING. Im not thinkning every day shes gonna call crying saying she wants me back thats not my thought process it just feels temporary. And in it being temporary i cant either feel sad or happy. Id rather her say we have no future then i think we will but not now. Because then i would heal and it would all come back around. But noo it has to feel temp.

Im not gonna sit around waiting for her. I am trying to get a job that will pay nice for me and take up most my time. Im trying to get done with my school so i can transfer a year early. I just know in my mind that she is coming back. Because i know she isnt even sure. But i can do fine for now. And will move on if i have to. I just have to hold on to the fact she still loves me and i cant forget that.

The thing is she wants "time off" But still wants me around because she loves me. She says we still have fun and teh relationship is great but she just doesnt want to have to worry about anything right now but still loves me. Yah she is 18 19 in november. She said she wants no other guy because she still loves me...And if she wants to move on she would end any intimate relationships we had. But i think i will wait for her to come around. Because she doesnt seem to know exactly what she wants amd she seems to be more fighting with herself than "knowing" so ill let her figure things out.

Have posted a similar topic but not about this particular advice. I have been with my gf for 3 1/2 years. I love her more than i could ever imagine loving some one. But things turned a bit bad and we became co dependent on each other which caused her to pull away and want time out on her own. Now a year ago we talked about how if we ever broke up we would stay friends with benefits and eventually end up getting back together. We always talked about this like it would really happen. But last week she said she wanted to be on her own. But still wants me in my life because im her best friend and she loves me so much. And i said you cant just have me as a friend i need to heal. So we ended up seeing each other a week later and had a good time and ende dup making love in which she was VERY possesive and passionate. I could see an inner struggle in her like this is not what she wants. But we do need time to settle out our individual problems. But heres the thing. Should i wait NC for her to realize that shereally wants me. Or should i continue on as FWB and just hope for a respark in the future. I know i have alot of issues and really need to think about myself. But would being FWB hurt more or should i follow my heart in thining she is coming back sooner than she thinks. She says she sees us down the road back together but now now. What do i do. Im not heartbroken but not happy. She looked so confused in our last passionate moment because i saw the side of her that still wants me cry out. Do i go NC till she calls? or do i continue on. Im about to apply for a job that will basically give me no free time at all. So what do i do with this. I feel in my heart that she is struggling and will changer her mind. But i cant help wanting her touch. Does a long term relationship that dongrades into FWB have a chance of stepping up again? Or would i begin to only see her as a friend i make love to. She says im th eonly one she sees herself sleeping with because in her mind sex is the ultimate trust and that i have her heart. So what do i do.

Hate this feeling. Just wish i felt a solid emotion.

Yah up to then i thought we were meant to be. But not now. But after she did that its like shes showing how she really feels and its a matter of time before she stops fighting herself. But i had such a good day today. So im quite confused as in why im not sad. She ended it break//breakup w/e But I just feel like shes coming back. But im doing my best to keep happy but i feel no pain at all just confusion. Its akward

the thing is right now i dont feel sad. Im confused it all seems temporary. Up until that moment i was ready to move one and just see what happens. but then she did that. And she kept saying kiss me kiss me make love to me stuff like that. But up to that point she was distant and woulndt hold my hand or anything. But when we got into it it was liek she let go of herself to show how she really felt. I can move on just fine. But it still feels like shes there. Is thi sbetter or worse for me. Because i dont feel the breakup heartache. It feels like an unknown ammount of time to ecentually be together again.