toonsy

He's been with this new girl about 3-4 weeks. When we broke up, he was very distraught. He said on one hand he still loved me and wanted me, but on the other hand he couldnt deal with the arguments with all the stress he has in his life right now. Sensing the break-up, I contacted another man because I felt so pushed away. When he learned this he was devistated. Even though he initiated the break-up, he felt as though I was the one to "end" things because I had done that and was 'moving on'. After some discussion, we agreed to break-up, see other people, work on a friendship foundation and 'see what happens'. He started seeing her soon after....which would be about 3 to 4 weeks now they've been together. I have since told him that I am not interested in that man, or any others. I still want him and love him. But, I respect his new relationship and hope he will be happy. He has maintained he still wants to work on the friendship because he feels "that's something we missed......you never know what could happen"......he said. I told him i felt strange initiating contact due to his relationship. He said "dont worry, you wont affect my relationship with her." He said he's been completely honest with her about who I am and our situation. So.......theres a background.......

OK guys, I have some questions..... Lets say you are in a relationship with a girl that you LOVE and believe she's 'the one' for you. It's very intense, but conflicts start to happen. Stupid arguments arise. Maybe it's tension, maybe it's fear.......who knows. But you decide even though you love her, and she's made it clear to you she loves you too, that it's best to break things off because you just cant take the stress. You start seeing someone new. (Many guys do this to help get past the break-up, am I right?) Your ex is respectful of your new relationship and you 2 decide to work at being friends. Here's the questions......... -Do you think about your ex even though you're in a new relationship? -Do you compare them? -Do you ever consider what went wrong and going back to the one you LOVE and trying to make it work? -Does it make any difference to you that your ex told you that she still loves you, thinks you're "the one", but will respect your new relationship and wishes you happiness? Can you men out there tell me what goes through your mind after a breakup? What wins you back? If you still love her she doesnt need to win you heart persae, but what would make you decide to go back?

Speaking for myself, I have always been friends with a guy before dating them (except for one time, and I got my heart broken). I personally do not believe in "dating". I think it's a farse and a game. You meet, on best behaviour, and 3-6 months later you realize who each other really is and it's over. Why not just get to know each other casually with no strings attached and let things happen NATURALLY?? If a guy asks me out on a 'date' I always say NO! I make my boundaries clear from the get-go. And case in point, the one incident where my heart was broken? We met and dated right off the bat. We fell in love. And then little things got in the way that I think having been friends first would have helped us deal wtih them without so much emotion involved. Now, we are apart yet still love each other. He is with someone new, and NOW we are going to try to work at a friendship. maybe we will find ourselves together again someday, maybe not. Friends make the best partners!!

It seems she has a lot of advantages I didnt...... If he did meet her out, then she's met all the friends. It's now nice weather, she'll be invited out on the boat with him and the group. His course ends in 1 1/2 months. The stressor situation at his job, the employee.....quit right after we broke up. He's likely not going to fall in love at first sight and start off with huge fears and expectations. And frankly, he and I didnt argue that early either......

Glutton for punishment? Maybe. Well, as for myself I can say that not having been friends first made me on guard. I was amazed by how fast he fell for me and how passionate it all began. I am not one to let down my defenses easy. Neither is he. For the first 1/2 of our relationship it seemed we were just dealing with letting down walls, fears of vulnerability......waves. Coincidentally, things outside of the relationship stacked up about the same time we started dating. His job is fairly stressful at times. Of course, wouldnt you know it, right now is a slow time of the year. He started his course 2 weeks before we started dating. He didnt realize how much time commitment it would take. There was an "incident" about 3 weeks into our courtship with a person in his company. It was ongoing and very stressful. Wouldnt you know it......that person just quit a week after we broke up. Well.....for one, he said he's never felt for anyone in his life the way he felt for me. It was scary, exciting.... He wanted to spend all his time with me. He spoke of all things in a global way (marriage, future, etc.). Kind of the cart before the horse, puts a lot of pressure on things I think even though we both felt it. I didnt talk that way though.....I didnt deny any of it, but I didnt ever initiate those kinds of subjects. I think we were a fantastic fit. I think that things moved fast, we faced fears of vulnerability way before we built friendship bonds. He admitted he didnt argue as much with others.....but then didnt really like them all that much either. What else makes her different? I dont know for sure, but I think he might have met her while out with friends, in a bar or casual setting. He and I met online = instant dating. He and I never participated in outtings with his friends and such. He basically stopped going out and spending time with them and only spent it with me. He is now going out more, making up the time with all his friends he put off while we were dating......and since i suspect he met her while out with them, me might be including her. Again, something we lacked.

How long have you been dating? How old are you and he? How did you 2 meet?

Oh! I forgot to comment to your last line...... I would think this: At some point you all stopped being friends and having the same considerations for each other you would have toward a good friend. Am I wrong? This is the first time i have just 'dated' someone. We werent friends. We met and the passion was immediate!! In fact, that is one thing I had always told him....this was new and scarey to me, i'd always known a guy as friends before dating them in the past. That's why his response in the last part of his email........ We have both realized that a friendship foundation would have been significant for us.

What were they about...like topic wise? STUPID THINGS! Im trying to even remember some of them..... Once we were play wrestling and I elbowed him really hard. It upset him but we didnt argue. It was the next morning when we did because when he said he needed 'a little time to cool down', to me that meant dont contact him. He contacted me but then asked why I didnt call or come over that night if it's really what I WANTED to do. He always said to do what I feel and dont worry about his reaction. Once we argued after a car wreck. We were tired, worked up and stressed out. I said something and he missed what I said because he was pretty excited. Overall, they were very insignificant topics. We never argued over relationship things, or differences of opinion, or things like that. What I really think CAUSED the arguments was his fears that took place. He had said he'd never felt this much before and it scared him in a way. He was afraid to come out of his walls for fear I might hurt him one day. He always thought I would 'run' one day and hurt him. He admitted that sometimes he would cause arguments subconsciously as a sabotage or a test of sorts. He pushed me away as a defense mechanism. This is what he admitted to me. I realized it was every 3 weeks we argued. I told him this in the end and I told him it was like things were soaring high and everything was perfect and exciting.......then he'd start a fight as if to 'bring it down'......maybe that 'testing' thing. Also, he was under alot of stress. He was/is in a CFP course that requires a lot of studying and of course he wanted to be with me all the time. So he got down on himself for not doing well on his weekly exams. His job is pretty competitive, he had a few family issues that came up..... In my opinion I think it was all those factors mixed together. He spoke of being "overwhelmed" with all he had going on. I had asked him at one time if he had ever argued like this before with anyone he'd dated and he said no.....not with as much emotion. But then.....he'd not been in love with any of them either. I donned on me, and I hope it isnt true, that maybe this is someone he used to date before. This was his email to me after I sent him a letter telling him how I felt, and recognizing that i knew he could likely be with someone by now....... I've been trying to think of a way to respond to your letter but haven't really been able to come up with anything. At this point, I'm confused I guess. On the one hand I still do have feelings for you (can't really turn things like that off) but on the other hand we argue so much and communicate so differently. I will say that, yes, I am seeing someone else and the biggest difference is that she and I don't argue. This isn't to say that arguing isn't a bad thing but rather that the amount of time spent arguing is what's important. While you and I have fun together, we simply argue too much and that stress level for me is something that I can't have. You know, between my class and work, my time (as is yours) is extremely valuable and I just can't have it spent that way. I did enjoy seeing you the other day, you look great and cute in your summer outfit Again, thank you for the letter and sharing your feelings - I realize that you put yourself out there and how hard that must have been...I respect that. I am open to developing a friendship - I think that's what you and I missed - and who knows, anything can happen. Clearly he believes it to be "communication" differences....

I agree....the trick is, I think I know why but he doesnt recognize it (or at lease yet). Immediately when we met he was instantly attracted and said he "just knew" i was the one he never thought he'd actually find. He was always afraid of losing me or that I might hurt him one day. He admitted even to sabotaging and 'testing' at times. Also, he was under a huge amount of stress. He wanted to be with me ALL the time, forgoing studies, time with friends and workouts. I think all those factors were the reason. It was high passion....with that comes high emotions both good and sometimes not what you expect. He seems to think it was "communication differences". Yet.....he's never had this issue with anyone else before he says! Hmmm.....never felt this much before yet never had this problem either.......coincidence?? So, unfortunately I think was the real reason was and what he is willing to believe at this time are 2 different things. I hope that's not a disadvantage. I dont want him to always think we 'just didnt get along'. So, I dont know. Of course he hasnt argued with her yet.....its only been a month if that!

I heard that the one you date after a pretty serious relationship is 75% likely just a rebound. I just brokeup with my BF a month ago and he is seeing someone new. He admits he still has strong feelings for me though but he 'doesnt argue with her'. Our relationship we extremely passionate! talked of marriage and future plans. He said he loved me and hasnt used the "L" word for anyone other than his parents or his wife (ex 6 years ago). He broke things off because we were arguing too much, but said he still loved me and saw our future...just couldnt argue anymore. Is it likely a rebound? Someone to help him handle the freetime? Someone to help him 'get over things'? What usually REALLY happens when a guy starts dating another girl after a serious relationship?

Thank you. Actually, he said "the biggest difference is that they DONT argue" but yes, it's only been 2 or 3 weeks. No, we didnt argue at that point either. Yes we only dated 6 months but it was an amazing whirl-wind. It was very unusual for us both. We talked about marraige and future plans. The lust didnt seem to fade at all in fact. It was one last argument that sinched it and made him leave. We were as passionate as ever. I guess every 'next' argument felt worse to him "here's another one" kind of thing. I do have hope, but am moving on the best I can. You know what i hate the most? The feeling that they learned from their mistakes while with you, and then will do it differently with someone else! I mean, he realized with me that his schedule was very stressful. I would imagine he will spend less time with this girl and be sure not to put off his studies. Thereby......no arguing due to stress! Of course that relationship is going to seem easier! But, I do remind myself........he hasnt said "I love you" in over 7 years until he met me even though he has dated a lot. I know what we had was different. I just hope he remembers that over time. Differences in communication or stress levels are things that can be worked out over time. That passionate love is something that is rare!! You dont throw away the love and the potential over something that can be fixed! Baby and bathwater! But I do know right now the stress is something he cannot handle. HEAVY SIGH........ I guess time will tell.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I posted my breakup story. In a nutshell we dated for about 6 months and we fell passionately in love. We talked about marraige, children.....everything. He never thought he'd ever feel this way and I never thought something like this could be possible! But it also scared him, he was vulnerable and scared I might hurt him one day. He pushed me away at times (testing me) and he also had a lot of stress going on in his life. We argued about every 3 weeks. He broke up stating: "I love you so much, I still see us together in the future, but I have to chose between loving you and arguing with you. Right now with all i have that is overwhelming me the arguments we get into are something I cannot take due to stress." Well, we did break up but agreed that we would like to work on a friendship (something we didnt have since we jumped in to the relationship so fast), see other people, and see what happens over time. I had contacted someone else but it made me too sad to be around anyone else. I am just not ready. i sensed however that he might have started seeing someone recently because of how 'different' he was acting....standoffish, withdrawn, not initiating any contact, etc. I wrote him a letter telling everything i needed to say. I love him, and i dont want anyone else. That even though I contact another and even met them all I could think of was him. I still recognize we have things to work through but that could happen over time. I didnt run, havent run and i still want him in my life. I told him it's likely he's seeing someone new and that i wish him happiness if he finds it, and if he finds the love we had with another then i am happy for him. I told him I still hoped we could work on being friends over time if he still wanted that too. He sent me an email reply to my letter yesterday: I've been trying to think of a way to respond to your letter but haven't really been able to come up with anything. At this point, I'm confused I guess. On the one hand I still do have feelings for you (can't really turn things like that off) but on the other hand we argue so much and communicate so differently. I will say that, yes, I am seeing someone else and the biggest difference is that she and I don't argue. This isn't to say that arguing isn't a bad thing but rather that the amount of time spent arguing is what's important. While you and I have fun together, we simply argue too much and that stress level for me is something that I can't have. You know, between my class and work, my time (as is yours) is extremely valuable and I just can't have it spent that way. I did enjoy seeing you the other day, you look great and cute in your summer outfit Again, thank you for the letter and sharing your feelings - I realize that you put yourself out there and how hard that must have been...I respect that. I am open to developing a friendship - I think that's what you and I missed - and who knows, anything can happen. We emailed back and forth a bit, and I said i'd like to work on the friendship too but would not want to interfere with his relationship. He said he's been completely honest with her and it wont be a problem. Now, they've only be going out 2-3 weeks.....OF COURSE THEY HAVENT ARGUED!!! But also, when you have the amount of passion he and i did, you have far more emotions involved, both up and down. This does hurt, it's hard to deal with. But, I feel he hasnt shut the door. Could be a rebound, could be someone to fill the time he would have been with me.....who knows. I am certainly not putting my life on hold or even holding out that we will be together again someday but it's in my heart, yes. Being with him is what I want. What is anyone's opinion here, about his note to me, about how to go forward?? I must say, he's not a 'typical guy'....he DOES want to stay in contact. It is important to him he has said, and he also told me once he talks to the girl he is seeing a bit more about things he will be initiating more contact with me. In fact, this is what he said: You are not going to affect my relationship with her. She's cool that way. I'm honest with her (and have told her about you) I would definitely like to get to a point where we can have dinner and drinks. I'll make contact but after I speak with her about things. Thanks for understanding. Please, anyone, give some feedback please. i am a smart girl, intelligent, self reliant......not going to call him or text or anything. I am going to leave the ball in his court with the contact for a while. I take care of myslef and I am not 'depressed'. i am heartbroken, yes. ??

PS - I'd welcome anyone to IM with me so I can talk to someone.

Complicated story in a way….I'll try to make it short. We fell madly in love 6 months ago. Unlike anything either of us had felt before, and we've both been married before. Everything clicked! It was passionate from the start. Soon I recognized some things in him. He said he was fearful of being completely vulnerable to me in fear I might hurt him someday. His feelings for me were more than he had ever felt and it was overwhelming for him. He hadn't said the words "I love you" to anyone in over 6 years. He said for the first time in his life he was willing to let down his walls and fully love someone, even more than he felt when he was once married. He saw us married, with children one day……so did I. I just knew that I had to learn to work through his 'insecurities' in love along the way – we all have them. One time I asked for a few days to just settle myself because things moved so fast. He was afraid I was running. He was so afraid to lose me. But I reassured him I loved him very much and I wasn't running. Well, as if his fears of vulnerability weren't enough to contend with, his life started adding up stresses. He is in a certification course currently that entails exams every other week. His job is very demanding. He wanted to spend all of his time with me. He didn't hang out with his friends, he would put off his studying, even slacked on his workouts just to spend time with me. We started arguing about stupid things every 3 weeks or so, never over anything important. In his frustration he would say; "I can't do this arguing! It hurts too much and I have such little free time in my life right now than to spend it arguing with you! It hurts too much! Maybe you should find someone else…. Maybe I just can't make you happy." It always hurt when he said that. But after calming down he admitted his sabotaging of the relationship and 'testing' me in a way because he loved me so much but was so afraid to lose me one day. Well, one day we had a big fight. I knew deep inside he was going to give up because he couldn't bear the arguing. Again he made the comments about me finding someone else. I awaited the phone call or the "Dear Jane" email while I removed all of his things from my apartment. I wrote him a letter telling him in all honesty my feelings for him, what I saw him doing to us…. And in my sadness I sent an email to another man….not because I had any interest at all, but because I felt pushed in a way and thought I needed to force myself to move on. I wrote it in the end of the letter that I had emailed someone else with a very heavy heart because it was what he pushed me to do so many times…. The email from my b/f came. It was over. He said though he loved me very much, he couldn't bear to argue anymore because it hurt too much. I went to his place and dropped off his things and the letter. It was hard; we were both very sad but kept the emotions intact. I left and told him I hoped my letter wouldn't make him angry. I cried all the way home. I came home to another email from him. He read my letter and he broke down in tears. He admitted it was his fault and he wanted so badly to come after me, but then he read about me contacting someone else. He said it hurt so much but he realized he caused it. We started IM-ing and he was a wreck. He said he knew he had issues to work on but didn't want to lose me, but was so overwhelmed in life right now too. We agreed to try to work on a friendship foundation, see other people, and see what may come in the future. The week after the breakup he was very clingy and giddy towards me. I kind of pushed him off. We decided to keep a trip we had planned months earlier for the following week. The night before the flight out he was out with his buddies, had too much to drink and we had an argument on the phone. He threatened to cancel the trip because he was afraid we'd argue the whole trip. He calmed down and we went…..had a great time, but he had an obvious wall up. We had sex while there, but otherwise it was just friendly. We talked several times about our new arrangement. He maintained that we shouldn't talk about our 'dates' that we might be having with others as it would really hurt him to hear. He asked me to be open with my feelings to him……tell him if I missed him, if I was thinking of him. Call him when I wanted to….etc. He even said he'd like us to spend time together, and "not just once a month"…….. On the way home, the flight was delayed twice and we were involved in a car wreck. We were tired, stressed….we argued. I was an emotional wreck!! I cried so much and he didn't know why….there was a lot going on inside of me actually. I spent the night at his place and the next morning I could tell his wall got even thicker. He hugged me goodbye as I left and said "lets just see what happens, ok?" 5 days later I emailed him…..friendly hello. He replied in kind, but very businesslike. He asked how I was. He told me he was going out with his friends that week. I sent a last email saying I was glad he was doing well, and that I was 'thinking of him'. No response but that's OK. 2 days later I emailed again and asked if he'd like to get together over the weekend. He was busy but could fit me in on Sunday….but I just told him it seemed he was too busy so another time. I asked him if anything had changed since we last spoke about our arrangement because he was acting differently and I didn't want to put any pressure on him…he replied: Thanks for being sensitive to me, I appreciate that. Yes, I'm definitely still open to working on a friendship of sorts and take things as they come. I guess I'm just really easing back right now - I'm feeling like I have so much going on right now. No, you're not doing anything wrong at all, let's just keep things open (as we have been doing). Thx. I replied "I'm glad…I miss you". Nothing back from him. I then told him I was embarrassed and he said I shouldn't be. I decided that for the next week I would not initiate any contact. I didn't hear from him. I am going into the 2nd week that I haven't contacted him. I know this NC thing is supposed to be the right thing but I am afraid it is the wrong tactic with him! I have tried going out with someone else and it tore me up inside! I love this man so much, it's like being "home" to be with him. What do I do now? I just want to talk to him! I want to tell him that I DON'T want to see that guy and I want to give him all the time he needs. I am afraid that he is forgetting what caused the arguments (all his stress and the 'testing') and instead is just looking back on our relationship as 2 people that argued and thereforeeee may never be willing to give us a chance again. He was always afraid I'd run. He said he had a hard time believing someone could love him as much as I did. He said (after we broke up) that he thinks about his biological mother. If she had loved him, why did she give him up for adoption? Clearly he has issues to deal with, and he admits it. But now….he has this huge wall up! I dont want him to think I am out there "dating". I dont want to!! I love HIM!! He is the one and I have never felt this way before. What do I do?