KillerCat

ok, I am moved out, I only took one of the cars and my clothes, the rest is here, the kids are not acting any different since I take care of them while she is at work... however I do miss not putting them to bed... she still wants to go on vacation and I wonder why, the purpose of it was to save the relationship and now there isn't one rather than being parents.. I have not met anyone and not planning to, have a stalker friend but that is under control, she just went too far the moment she found out about what happened, i can't consider someone that is happy about my break up and being away from the boys my friend.. that is about it so far, staying busy....

I agree, she does deserve that, as much as I worry for the kids, they are not the only reason why Im still here, I worry about her too, and maybe you are right, maybe I should just walk out and let her find what we once had...but I am not leaving without a fight....after this vacation, my decition will be final, but i can't just leave and wonder what if i tried a little harder, when I leave if i leave, I would know for sure that there is nothing else i could have done...thank you for your post...I definitely agree with you, she deserves to be happy, with someone, all im trying is to make that someone , well, me..

Ok, here it goes, I have been living with my girlfriend ( she is 27, I am 31) in the north west for 4 years now, I'm from the east coast I have been here because we have 2 boys (2 and a half and 4 y/o) that I love with all my heart ( although I am only the biological father of one of them..but that is another story), my relationship with "mommy" was great until last year when after we argued over something really insignificant and she ran to the kitchen and tried to cut her wrist, I was quick to react to this and nobody was seriously injured (physically). A week later I was packing my things and I was ready to leave, but I thought of the boys, I also realized that her action was way out of her character. her mother came over and we sat down and talked. Bottom line is I agreed to stay if she went to counseling. After the incident she went out of her way to make the relationship the way it was before the incident, she knew(because I told her) that I didn't look at her the same way. I wanted to save our family so I agree to go to counseling with her, that helped me understand why this happened and also how to prevent it (she was on medication for a while after that) , but it did very little in getting my feelings for her the way they were. I honestly forgave her, I just don't feel the same way anymore, she is a great mother and I wish I could fall in love with her again...I tried having some quality time without the boys, didn't work. I "forced" myself to be the same person I was with her before, since she tried so hard to make it happen ,but nothing I did or do feels the same, let me give you an example... I bring flowers because I know I made a habit of it and to a certain extend she expects them , not because I couldn't wait to see her face when I show them to her, she has gone from beautiful to just cute, from a great girlfriend to a friend, her personality has also changed quite a bit this year, she has some friends that are not exactly people that normally she would spend time with but I have no saying on who her friends are ( as long as they behave in front of my boys) so it is even harder to see the person I fell in love with . so here I am, not willing to give up and neither is she, facing with the fact that ever since the "kitchen incident" we have been slowly growing apart, she knows this ( I have talked to her about everything i just wrote here) and it is painful to her ,and now is at the point where Im seriously thinking of moving out again ,this I have not told her yet.. I really don't want to be away from the boys, they are the most important thing to me and I worry sick about my kids being around different "friends" of mommy after I go and what they could be exposed to, I worry about her emotional status, I think she is going to blame herself and Im afraid she might go into depression. I'm not concerned about money because she will always have my support on that matter. all this worries have kept me here for another year, but is paying a heavy toll on me. staying is really difficult, but I think leaving might be worse for everyone....I have not met anyone else or anything of the sort, It is just not there anymore. I can't be selfish, as a matter of fact I have to be realistic and realize that if I leave eventually she will move on even if she swears she will notbut I can't expect her to stay single....Im taking a leap of faith and taking her out on vacation and I will leave the kids with grandma. I figure this will make it or break it.

I go to a local clup at least 2 times a month, usually conversation goes short and friendly, i was at this club last saturday and the conversation went up kinda like this me: hi her : hi me: I am ( my name) , who are you? her: clarissa me : nice to meet you clarice ( nope , not a typo. music was so loud that is what I thought she said, lol) her: it's clarissa me: oh, do you dance clarissa? her: nah, I just watch people dance and hang out with the girls me: have you ever been to the movie theather and didn't watch the movie? her: no, why? me: well you are at the club and you are not dancin, your friends are dancing, why don't they teach you, or is it that you don't like it? her: I never thought of that....( she said with a really cute smile), im sure you dance me: I try, is all about having fun this is not soul train or something her : laughing me: tell you what, if you like, wait for a song that you like, and if there is lots of people on the dance floor we'll get in the middle and do the robot her: still laughing... I don't think so... me: come on...no one will noticed... her : laughing, me: how about we get a drink instead, we seem to be better at drinking.. her: ok... so we got a drink, we talked about where we were both from and what do we do for a living.... I have had very different conversation than that, but one thing i noticed about club conversations is that they are VERY SIMILAR TO CHATROOM CONVERSATION, not really enlightening, just entertaining, you get to "know " people, and once in a while you meet nice people..you make friends with..

maybe you don't notice this but chances are she is already atracted to you, if not she thinks you are really cool and that is a start.... just take it easy and you will see it happen...

look at stand up comedians and notice something, they make fun of things you see every day, they exagerate a little but mostly funny things that happen or we don't stop to see the funny side of it.. i don't think you need a book to make you funny, a book will teach you jokes, but what are the odds of a situation you read in a book to come up ? people say im funny, but all i do is talk to people, listen to what they think is funny , and go from there, humor varies from person to person, what is funny to me, might not be for you, so my suggestion to you is , just listen and look at the funny side of life, one important thing, DONT OVER DO IT.... people like a funny person but hate the clowns, ....

wlfpack81 has a point, when i read the story of jesus, i can't find anywhere the part where he looked down on anyone for doing wrong, instead, he said he was here for the Ill not for the ones that are healthy, an ill christian is still a christian and I or nobody is in authority to judge, remember we are no one to judge....we can't save or send anyone to heaven or hell, I believe that if there is something I do that God doesn't like, eventually I will feel I should stop or God will make sure i know somehow..... God loves you just the way you are, he made you that way...

maybe the part in the bible where adam and eve realized they were naked because THEY WERE NO LONGER INNOCENT was taken out of their bibles, the reason we need God, jesus, Religioin (or how ever is more comfortable to the readers) is because WE ARE NO LONGER INNOCENT, and that is the key, it doesn't not get you closer to God, Jesus encouraged us to Immitate him, and that the only way to get closer to God was through him, Jesus never encoraged anyone to be like adam and eve,....