bandini

coffee shops. coffee shops were king in LA before I was 21 and good training for life after 21. Better if they have a pool table. Grab a friend, have a good time, if the opposite sex approaches you, cool. If they don't, you had fun playing pool. good luck

I think you should answer her question. I would guess, and tell me if I'm wrong, that you're waiting for the right words from her. This is the mistake I made with my last girlfriend. They'll never know until you tell them. There's nothing wrong, or needy about saying, "yeah, I blew by you in class, because I'm still pretty hurt by what happened." she'll do one of a few things: 1) she'll say, "we're broken up, don't be needy..." don't take the bait.. say, "I'm sad because we meant something. If I weren't sad, it would mean that it didn't mean anything. I'm not needy, I'm human." if she presses, remind her she asked. 2) she might say, "I only did it to hurt you." um, if this is the case, she is too immature to have a relationship with, and don't be afraid to tell her. 3) she might say, "I'm sorry. I would be hurt, too. It wasn't my intention." in this case take the apology with dignity good luck

well, her ex sparked some tension, and a fight. But what did us in was the way i handled the situation. I left. And, that was being selfish. What I needed, was for her to tell me something. I didn't know what I wanted to hear, but spliting and waiting for someone to pull a magic trick and guess what you need is not effective, and unfair. She did try to get me back after that, what I should have done -- what any responsible adult would have done -- was take the mystery out of it and communicate. But I was being selfish and fickle, and delayed. When I did that, I spurned her. And hell have no fury like a scorned woman/man... Now, she's angry, but any approach I make towards her only makes her more angry. Read her note at the top of the page. -- a quick side note, I haven't been needy with her. In fact, in our relationship, her constant need for attention would drive me crazy, so this last note is really off the wall. I don't think I'm crazy to say that she is ANGRY. Clearly, there's no sense in me trying to contact her at all. If I'm going to get over her, I'm going to have to start dating. But if someone tells me, 'it's natural for a blow out like this before you take on a life partner,' or something, i'll give it some time. I don't know what's going on. Anyone who has been married experience anything like this before they took that step? Am I in total denial? thanks for listening. it makes me feel less alone to read these forums and know that there are thousands of pathetic broken hearted people out there just like me. thanks

Don't be afraid. But, don't sacrafice your bounaries either... Or his. I'm going to guess that there were other problems before this alleged cheating happened. I have found that sometimes the best thing to do is to put something back on someone. In your nicest voice, don't be afraid to say, "how can we make this a relationship that works for you?" Preface it by telling him you love him, and that he's your best friend. If you do this when you're not in an 'argument', you'll get an honest, kind response. Just be sure to really listen to him. When he's done, tell him what you want to be different. But be kind, and remember, it sucks when something is important to you and somebody blows off your feelings, so no matter how petty something he says seems, take it seriously. And don't get mad, becuase he will probably say, "...I don't want you to leave for six months if you hear another rumor." Say you're sorry, and that you were extra vulnerable, and made a wrong choice, and that you've learned a valuable lesson, and give him a hug. good luck

Start lighter. See him first, before you write a letter. This sounds crazy, but upon sitting down with him, you might realize you don't want to be with him. This doesn't rule out 'friends,' though. A girl that broke up with me five years ago and I are now great friends. And as much as I always thought she was 'the one', I can totally see why I wouldn't want a relationship with her now. But, nontheless, she knows me better than the last girl to break my heart (that you can read all about in my lengthy post), and I know her very well, too. And you can't put a price on that friendship. Start with coffee. Catch up. Let him know you want him to be a part of your life -- but don't say as what yet, cause the truth is neither of you know until you hang out. Keep it light, but also don't be afraid to be honest. If you've been waiting for him to do the work in getting back together, you have to remember that you broke up with him. When/if it comes time, you have to make the effort. And of course you feel vulnerable. If you didn't, that would mean that he didn't mean anything to you. good luck

I feel like I want to call him and ask him what happened.. That guy sucks, if you don't mind me saying so.

In response to the apartment question: it was originally hers, I moved in with her. She had two dogs (who I also miss) and my apartment wouldn't have them. What happened in the first fight was clearly her fault. That's why I was so upset. It's also why I disapeared for a few days -- and like I said, that was not a good thing to do. To her credit, she did try to patch things up. The first break up, in retrospect, was clearly a statement, and not a breakup (although this was not clear to me at the time, and I was so hurt and upset, I didn't mind ending things). And just as clear is the fact that she felt scorned when I didn't immediately respond to her attempt to get back together. My actions afterwards were childish, no matter what happened in the fight. That's when she shut down and got cold. The whole thing really has me gutted. I date a lot when I'm single, but have only had two serious girlfriends in my 31 years. And this is the first time I have had the urge to build a life with someone. And we started to a little bit. And I'm afraid to move on. What I want to hear is, "she'll have a change of heart, don't start dating..." But as much as this is what I want to hear, I know it's probably about as realistic as soup sandwhich. Like I requested before, be blunt with me. I need it. And thanks for all the advice so far. It helps.

I am a scorpio, she is a cancer...

So, to make a long story as short as I can: We were friends for three years, dated for six months, and then lived together for another six months. I'm 31, she's 30. I really, really fell in love. She mentioned to a friend that she thought we would have kids one day. December and January we were fighting sometimes. The fights got worse, it was obvious there were some things not working, but nothing extreme, or more importantly nothing I thought couldn't be worked out. For every time we fought there were ten days we were happy and our sex life was always great. She's a girl who puts up a lot of walls, and it's hard to figure out what's bothering her sometimes. She's guarded. Ultimately her ex-boyfriend had to couch surf for a few days before he moved to NY. To be honest, I wasn't jealous, they broke up eight years ago,and I respect that they were friends, but this guy sucks. He is a bottomless pit, a bad drunk, and every cliche of a bad house guest. He never cleaned up after himself, and when he used all the glasses in the house to drink his two dollar wine, he would use bowls, and then put cigarettes out in them. The kitchen was a mess, i didn't clean it for a week, she didn't clean it either. It got so bad the drains were clogged; I technically wasn't on the lease, so I asked her to call the landlord to fix them so I could clean the kitchen. My girlfriend got back from work, and yelled at me for not cleaning up -- she never called the landlord, either. I told her I couldn't think of one reason why I should do her ex's dishes, and that every time that guy comes over an emotional hurricain runs through our lives. He was living on her couch rent free when we started dating. I wasn't going to get involved with her if he didn't move. I never said that, but he found another girl to leach off for a while. I also told her, and believe to this day, that I didn't think we were fighting about dishes. She has a way of making herself an emotional rubix cube, I told her that I loved her, and that I was her boyfriend and all she has to do is present me a way to make her happy. I told her she's my best friend, and anything important to her is going to be important to me. Let it out, put yourself in my shoes, give me a way to make you happy. She said all the dishes were mine, I pointed out the wine stained finger bowls with cig butts in them, she picked up a travel cup of coffee and said it was mine. Every morning, no matter how tired/hungover/whatever, I would shut her alarm off before it went off, make her a to go cup of coffee, and kiss her face at 6:20am until she woke up. I reminded her that that was the coffee I made her every morning. She threw the mug. I split. I didn't call her, she didn't call me. I didn't go back -- the wrong thing to do, I know. I called her two days later, she broke up with me. We fought about the dishes again, and she broke up with me again. I went to NY for work, she sent me an email asking if "I thought there was something in us worth saving." I cried, called her, left a message saying of course. She gave a call and left a message asking if I needed a ride 'home' from the airport. I never called her back. I don't know why. We fought like tigers on the phone when I got back. She said she couldn't stand me, that she didn't want to be friends. I sent her an email of apology, kept myself out of it. Told her I was a twit for leaving in the middle of an argument. Told her she came to me from a place of vulnerability with her email, and I paid her back by being a fickle jerk. Apologized for everything, told her that I understood if she wouldn't accept, and said I would be happy with just the chance to make it up to her. She wrote back and said maybe we could go to a dog park in the summer as friends. She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship, and that her parents said that she didn't even like to be held as a child, and that all she cares about is her dogs and family... I called her a week later, asked her if she wanted to have a grilled cheese sometime. She didn't call me back. Called her again about four days after. Nothing. Sent her an email and said there must be a reason she's not calling me and that I didn't know if she was sad/angry/needed space/upset, and that if I did something wrong, let me know. She wrote back and said, "I don't think you have understood anything I've said in my previous emails. As I've been saying for weeks, I am not angry, upset, or sad. I don't need space to get over you, I need space because frankly I am still burnt out on the excessive amount of time we spent together. ... If we hang out now, I will feel crowded, just like I did during our relationship. ... Here's my question. Do I just not get it? Somebody be blunt with me. She really hadn't been saying that for weeks. We'd been fighting about the dishes. I'm not a needy guy, I never overwhelm people with needing attention, even though I will respect her request, I don't think her words are warranted. Being single feels like I'm looking down off the top of a tall building. I've cried every day we've been apart, and I want to believe that we might get back together, but I really don't know what's happening right now.. And I would hate to start dating, and ruin and chances of getting back together. thanks for reading my novel,