maritalbliss86

I think it's almost impossible to really understand what someone coming here is needing help for - without that other spouse's input and being able to see correctly what really is going on behind a screen. They present only their side of an issue, so who knows what is really going on. Sometimes I've wondered if an OP is just a college student doing a psyche study.... I know I've been guilty of judging one side without all the info, but we can only go on what info is provided. I find it frustrating personally... because as soon as I think I understand the issue, they bring up more info and it all changes to something else 🤯 and my opinion changes as well. And then we all suggest counseling (because it really is just beyond what anyone here could really help with) and you can usually tell the OP has no intention of really working it out in counseling with their spouse 🙄. I think a lot of people don't use this as counseling, they rather use it to vent and complain, which is fine... it's nice to get outside opinions, even if they are off. But I'm not sure if the help they get here translates to real, lasting change, maybe sometimes, but certainly not in the marriage-counseling type of way.

That makes sense, I wouldn't either unless it had been years and years of knowing them and understanding them and their motives, temperaments, etc. I think you're being wise to protect yourself (emotionally/mentally since I'm sure you don't mean physically 😉).

This!!!

LOL people like this usually do send a last message telling you off. I don't even read things like that anymore, because it's just so obvious they're in the wrong and too arrogant/immature to take responsibility and apologize. I think it's a good loss 🙂. You do not have to be close friends (or living partners) with just anyone. ❤️

From Michael Crichton, the man who wrote the novel Jurassic Park, on his book written almost 20 years ago State of Fear, detailing what he really believed about global warming. People forget he isn't just a novelist... he was a Harvard Medical School grad. I marvel at his ability to foresee the way things would play out if one particular area of research was mishandled. Jurassic Park was so popular because people could believe scientists would be that arrogant in concerning themselves too much with how to do something, rather than if it was moral and right to do something. Like Fauci and his gain of function research that has been quietly going on for years. Did we really need viruses that were so powerful they could jump from animals to humans and with spike proteins that destroy the body systems, making people more prone to every kind of illness over time and through increasing exposure? I'm glad I worked in a research lab long enough to have come into contact with the extreme corruption in high places in the sciences. It made me lose my faith in humanity somewhat, but my faith was misplaced anyway. This next quote makes me think about all the wildfires California has due to mismanagement of their forests, even though they have many programs and government involvement, "ensuring," they are keeping them healthy. They aren't. There really is no difference between greed and incompetence, what a great thinker. The incompetence causes the same effects... the wildfires are not good for the animals and various wildlife that either die in mass or are displaced, and of course they aren't good for humanity either... no one wins and there's too much to lose when mismanagement occurs. Anyway... his novel details how he imagines they'll end up orchestrating a mass panic about global warming, with lots of research and evidence to back it up... it's only a novel, but it is interesting to think about how far governments and activists will go to create the world they so crave and desire (think mass panic, global warming lockdowns much like the pandemic, etc. 🙄). And to think, he had the foresight to write all of this 20 years ago. I like him. 🙂 What an interesting mind to have on the side of climate skepticism.

Do they have an option for him to come back on something called "light duty," or maybe called something similar? Something where he'd be temporarily doing an easier job that needs doing?

I do think I would have had to hold onto my baby stronger to prevent what she was doing, which could have hurt him potentially, her tearing him from my hold was so forceful... it was just nuts! Maybe a carrier would have helped, but we were on our way out, I was politely saying we had to go now, trying to leave and she prevented us from leaving this way. Just a nutty situation and I was 23 so really young and naive, looking back she took advantage of how young I was I believe... she never did that with our later ones because I think she had more respect and fear of me at that time. Thank you, Batya I get what you were saying now.

I agree... I understand your anger, but it's misdirected. Your anger is really more about the lack of communication. So telling her something like this (to stop communicating!) will only make that lack of communication even worse. Hopefully y'all can go to therapy to work it out together... this is deeper than just lack of orgasm. Hopefully she can open up and you can forgive her/work through the process with her and find happiness together.

Gaslighting implies it's intentional though. It never felt to me like he was purposefully and maliciously doing it. I think sometimes people just don't want to deal with things that are hard for them, so their not wanting conflict isn't as malicious as true gaslighting imo. It did feel awful, but not as bad when I understood he had issues that he had to work through. Your wife probably does too, which would give you compassion if she ever decides to talk about her why.

Just processed my first chicken. A lot harder than rabbits ironically. Scalding water made feather plucking easier though. Feels so good to have essentially free food in the fridge and freezer... Another way of saying FJB.

Naomi Wolf hitting it out of the park again... on the Roe being overturned, and how she called it years ago... https://naomiwolf.substack.com/p/on-losing-roe?utm_source=%2Fprofile%2F28216063-dr-naomi-wolf&utm_medium=reader2

I think when you're not being heard, that inclination is strong for most people. A spouse who shuts communication down really is gambling with their partner eventually walking away. I think not being heard... for a long time... would be very very hard. You would eventually lose faith in the relationship as a whole I'd imagine. We didn't get there, but I can see how long-term, faith in the marriage would diminish. I do think you can work through this. I think couples can fight it out possibly, within reason, push for the other to see their point of view. Granted I understand for many it leads to divorce, but it's at least worth trying imo.

I think the abandonment or betrayal feelings may stem because of how you've tried to communicate with her, and it sounds like she rejects it. It isn't about her not orgasming (imo), it's probably about not feeling like she communicates with you or shuts it down when you try. If she's rejected your past attempts to talk about things, like the above quote says, then that is a type of passive betrayal in my opinion. That's why you care. Because that causes emotional pain. You're not crazy or wrong to desire open communication regarding sex or anything else in a marriage. When a spouse shuts communication down, isn't, 'willing or open,' as you're calling it, it is a refusal to get to know the deepest part of you, and what you have a fear/problem with, or wanting things to be different... and a refusal on her part to allow you to get that close. My husband went through a phase where he did something like that, tried to shut down communication about an issue or not respond well when it was brought up. You have a right to open, honest communication from her... that's the foundation marriage should be built upon. If she's closing that part of herself off, of course it feels like a betrayal, because it denies you that cohesive intimacy of true understanding. The husband/wife relationship is supposed to be the closest relationship - she's supposed to know you better than you know yourself, and vice versa. So when my husband decided he wouldn't communicate about a certain issue, we had the worst fights because I refused to be silenced or shut down. I decided we were going to have it out, for better or worse. Finally... after a time, his eyes opened and he was able to, "see," the pain I was in and the validity of it all. But it took time and lots of fighting because I'd try to bring up the issue and he'd respond terribly. When a partner shuts something down, you don't have to just settle for it. You can push the issue to that point of finally getting to open communication where someone finally, "hears," you. If someone had told me it was all in my head, or that this was, "my issue," I was making up, and that since he was a great husband in every other way I should just shut up and be happy with him, instead of being honest and calling it what it was - something he was refusing to communicate about; I think I would have had a very hard time emotionally accepting that and would have felt even more depressed or hopeless about it. Thankfully no one said anything like that to me, and I knew I was right 😉. We only went through that short phase and came out having a much deeper understanding of each other, and his compassion and love toward me exploded exponentially. It was surprisingly actually, how it was only a short time and the benefits reaped were well worth it. You'd never know from the outside that we ever had that issue/fighting, there are no signs, except for the deeper love it grew and understanding and closeness. ... It's hard to get the full picture online to be honest. But I think if this is your issue, your emotions are valid. I mean I see how Lost and Wise and some others believe this is all *your* problem... or that it isn't an issue and you're making it all up in your head. I'm not so sure about that. If someone had told me those things when my own husband was shutting down communication, I could have become even more depressed or feel unheard or invalidated. As your wife, she has a responsibility to hear you out and listen to you, if this is really her problem of shutting down communication when you do your part and try, then this isn't all in your head, you're feeling a natural reaction of emotional pain when a partner shuts you down (which is common for someone in that position).

So to be nerdy 😉 I took an upper level class in college about sex, taught by an amazing woman who ended up becoming our Dean of Sciences and had been an Ob-gyn Dr. She was just incredible, and was So so honest. My husband sat in on the lectures... which was a fun, sexy activity by itself! We learned that any vagina, by it's design, when a woman is properly turned on, lengthens to any size of any penis (within reason I'm sure - natural things, not fake stuff women may try). The uterus pulls back, and the vagina, when extremely turned on, lengthens, even the shortest ones. I'm sure everyone is still different in the design, but most can accommodate deep penetration. Some of the women that believe they can't, may not have ever truly been turned on properly due to a partner not knowing how or her herself not understanding her own sexuality. I think part of this is because so many women really are sexually repressed. They don't know it, they may *think* that because they're been having sex for years or decades, that they really understand it and how their body will respond. But I think many women out there have various sexual hangups and problems and inhibitions that never really get worked out for the most part... which is sad 😕 . So I don't know if it's really just as simple as, "Well, everyone is just different." Or if it's more like, "probably most don't really understand their own sexual biology, to even know or understand it can be better." Like the woman that Lost was with... she didn't regularly orgasm until him. How many other women are out there like that? I think there are *a lot*.

I think sometimes you can't tell as much. My husband didn't seem like a, "momma's boy, " at all, and I don't believe I overlooked any red flags as to his behavior with her (and I've been to therapy over this so my counselor agreed for what it's worth). My MIL did show signs of being extremely bossy, I just didn't foresee that this would translate into her thinking she would be like that with our kids. I don't think anyone is prepared for that. It's hard 1) because this is your first time having a baby, which is horrendously hard in and of itself, and then on top of that 2) this is something your husband has to deal with, so you largely don't have that much control... and that lack of control over how HE responds to toxic family members, really sucks. Hoping it gets dramatically better ❤️

I usually love your advice, Batya, but respectfully, I don't think you've ever had to deal with this kind of human 😕. They literally RIP your baby out of your arms - it feels very violent, and it is I think when you're a new mom. It's not that I *let* my MIL take my baby... she literally ripped him away from me in a tearing motion that felt so cruel, inhumane, and humiliating. That's what she's dealing with. Her husband has to stop it, but when a mom is like this, it's really hard even for the son to deal with her. Just my 2 cents 🙂

That sounds like an exciting part of retirement imo! I would absolutely love something like that!

I've known quite a few retired people now, and they all seem to struggle with this. Even the ones who don't really need to work, struggle without having that sense of purpose and something to go to every day. It makes them restless and just feel somewhat bored... although I'm sure that's not popular to admit. I hope you find some comfort in knowing though that it seems most people struggle with not feeling exactly content with retirement. It makes sense to me, too, and then that frustration that you're being constantly congratulated 😕.

Yes, this is very true. I've been way too much online in part because it's been a really slow two weeks or so... but it isn't a replacement for real life, and real life stuff just feels so much better, even if it's something small. The beach sounds AMAZING, Lo... that is incredible! And yes, the spending money thing... if you can try to force yourself to keep track of a budget, even if it's not perfect every month and you make mistakes, etc. that really shows you where you're spending and kind of helps, "reality," of your choices set in. I speak from experience 😉. It helped SO much once I started tracking *almost* everything... it helped to reign me in, and be able to say No more to anything I'd regret later.

Something else interesting... it felt incredibly safe to open up to this particular friend last night. It did not feel, "safe," at all, to open up to the missionary friend. Very interesting hmmm....

Had a deep conversation with another friend yesterday... but it was like night and day compared to with the 1st friend I wrote about a day or two ago. So odd! This friend is also amazing... I don't deserve hanging out with these incredible women, I haven't *done* anything remotely as hard, time-consuming and sacrificial as they have. This one is a Pastor's wife, and she really is over the top awe-dropping in the different things she's accomplished on her own (aside from her husband's ministry I mean) - her own ministry and projects, etc. The first friend I had that last conversation with is a missionary that has helped many many other missionary couples. Not a normal missionary family, she and her husband managed to create a hub or activity and almost like a missionary retreat type of thing for other missionaries who needed respite - and homeschooled her kids, and hosted this hotel-like place, all while living in a foreign country. God called them back and got them into meat rabbits and farming, growing lots of food, too, right before we felt we needed to sell. It is really odd the way multiple people are figuring out ways to survive and save up and be in a position to help others at some point - if it's needed... so many of us can feel it in our bones that it will be needed. Anyway... back to the incredible Pastor's wife lady. So this conversation was probably even deeper than with the other friend, but I didn't feel like it was meant to get me to confess whatever I personally thought. No... this sweet friend just came across as so much more genuine. The other one that I really do admire so much - she came across like she had some kind of agenda. I think I must have felt at some level that she wasn't genuine and that red flag helped me know to keep silent. I probably should listen to that feeling more - to keep silent. The Pastor's wife was shockingly real with me, about several things no one would ever talk about or admit. We were in private... I've known her now for a few months... but something in her must have felt like she could trust me, and she is old enough to have been burned before and I can pick up on her understanding the risk it is to confess things to people while in her delicate position. I've always had deep compassion for Pastor's wives though. Even as a kid I understood how awful that position would be, to be judged ALL The Time... for every little thing. For every failure your kids are perceived to have, etc. My mom was a confidant to a Pastor's wife, so I think I probably inherited something there, and picked up on those dynamics of being a good confidant as a child being around them talking. My mom, with all her flaws, keeps secrets to the grave, and she was a good, kind friend to her. Anyway, it surprised me that I had no problem opening up to this woman, and I did open up (lol deep dark secrets lol). It surprised me because I had just wrote that I don't do that unless knowing someone for years. Maybe it's because I can tell she's just so genuine though, and in an extremely vulnerable, unfavorable position. ❤️

I think you should probably just try talking to her. We can't know what she's really thinking, but you're in the situation, so you should hopefully be able to get some answers ❤️ .

I think this is probably something a lot of us were wondering.... thank you for clarifying. I think most women are like this where they usually don't care. Maybe she doesn't care? I don't think most orgasm every single time, but it should definitely be enough times so that they are satisfied with cumming. We have almost daily sex and I love it, but I definitely do not cum every single time, it's most of the time, but not every single time if that makes sense. Sometimes I'm just too tired and sex itself feels great enough and women usually, "crave," sex in a way that doesn't even involve orgasming if that makes sense. A lot of women seem to crave the pumping action or, "being pounded," so maybe your wife is like that, too? I think it's actually very common, hence all the fake dildos out there etc. for single women to use. If your wife is up for it, suggest different positions, etc. to spice things up. Much cheaper than divorce imo. There is something truly satisfying about being pounded hard from behind... I don't think most women can orgasm that way, but it satisfies something that's hard to describe... probably primal instinct or something. Hopefully you both can try different things like that and find satisfaction. On not always orgasming... I think it probably does have to do with the fact I'm so into him I don't always need to cum. But over the years he's found multiple ways to make me orgasm faster/easier, so I actually orgasm a lot more now because of him, kind of ironic. But even before, it never bothered me when I wouldn't... but I also never complained or made it a big deal for him. If I ever needed, "more," I'd just ask and he'd gladly help.

Things have been so slow lately... with work and homeschool and life. Then again when it gets busier we seem to be going so fast it's hard to keep up with everything until it balances out again. Ebbs and flows... ❤️ Today was a busier day unexpectedly. I had meant to fill up with gas yesterday afternoon coming back home, but then forgot with the kids distracting me. It always seems when life is busier, they actually get louder, which makes me forgetful and have a lot of trouble focusing. Ugh! I am very grateful we have them, but I am also grateful for silence and time to myself or alone time with my husband ❤️ . Long story short, I almost ran out of gas today, because of being so distracted yesterday 😞 with the kids in the car, and then distracted again today. I only realized we were very close to running out of gas on a scary highway where people have died! DRAMA!!!! I like for life to be peaceful... but then things like this happen LOL ugh.... We ended up making it about 20 more minutes to a gas station, but it was a little nerve-wrecking for me when I realized I'd been distracted for so long and hadn't even noticed it because the kids were fighting/arguing over silly things this morning. I mean one time they fought over how a song went... 🙄 The entire time driving to our destination the low fuel light was on because it was on yesterday, but I didn't see it *at all* due to being so distracted trying to tell them they were fine and we were going to have a Good Day (lol how ironic). But my husband is so sweet. Tonight when we were talking about it he looks at me with his cute, devilish grin and says he'll start randomly checking to see if the gas tank if OK ! As if I want him having yet another thing to have to remember or think about! But his making light of it somehow makes it all seem so much better.

What struck me is why they wouldn't communicate, too. It just doesn't seem normal, but then everyone has their own life experience. For us... if that happened we'd communicate something along the lines of, "we need lube!" And get it, flirt along the way, and then start all over again 😉. It wouldn't be the end - I've noticed with getting to 35 I can get dry half-way through if it's really late or I'm extremely tired, so of course the solution would lube! And it works and both of us are extremely happy we don't have to use it all the time, but that at least it's there if I ever need it. Side note -- some lubes are gross so I just use coconut oil and keep an organic jar of it in a secret place near the bed just for this purpose ❤️ It's natural, doesn't cause UTI's or anything weird like some other lubes can. Just FYI if you need some practical sex tips.