surlygurl

I am humbled by your postings as I realize I made a big deal out of nothing. I think it was mainly because I was hurt over that comment my grandmother made 5 years ago. Last night I spoke with my aunt about it (the daughter of my grandmother) and got a better insight into why she said that I wasn't "the marrying kind". My grandma seems to have had a bad temper when she felt she was being challenged, and apparently she felt she was being challenged when I told her that I left this guy she felt I should marry (just because he was wealthy). She lived pretty much controlled by her husband of 62 years, and that was all she knew. Grandma couldn't understand me challenging her on that (even though that wasn't my intention). Apparently, behind my back, she said good things about how I looked, dressed and presented myself overall, so apparently, that mean comment I've been hanging onto for the past 5 years was a stupid reason to feel shy and not good enough. Guy with last post; you're right, I have been "hiding". I've become so not interested in meeting the wrong guy, that I've stopped trying to meet the right one. In the meanwhile, I've built a trench around me full of excuses as to why no one will marry me. It's kind of silly really, since I never meet anyone in the first place or go anywhere that I might give a good guy a chance. I guess that's my next posting... where to meet a good guy.

Wishin2GOFishin: It's an opinion forum. I gave my opinion, I can't tell him what to do. He's got a mind of his own to make that decision. Hey, it's OK for you to tell me what to do and what not to do, apparently? You need to go fishin' and chill. Maybe leap in the water! Oh, and by the way, this isn't even ABOUT you. So chill out, get over yourself, or make post it somewhere else. As for my friend with the original post: I still say this girl is old cheese. If you want to know if she's "cheating", it's probably because it's bothering you so much you had to ask someone what they thought about it. I'm tellin' you, it's bothering you for the right reason. Listen to your conscience.

Well, I'm a girl, and THAT's what I think. I would have said the same thing to the girl (for the most part, only it would have been another analogy than the Easter basket)!!

I don't get the comment "the business type of women who really know how to present themselves, I do find them very pleasant looking, but not in a personal kind of way."

Mafioso, Listen to your elders: I know wayyyy to many guys who've gotten divorced from chicks that couldn't stay committed while they were dating, and I know too many people who've contracted serious sexually transmitted diseases (and 2 heterosexuals who've died from aids). I've got 10 years on the guy from Maine who just posted the previous response, and let me tell you, I've seen a lot of people mess up their lives in those 10 years. Even if you weren't together, you had some type of relationship. Don't you respect your friends? Is that too altruistic to expect? Well, maybe for some people's standards, not mine. The girl disrespected you in a bane, gross way, it doesn't matter if she cheated or not. You sound whipped, and I mean that in a bad way, and over a girl who just sounds not worth it.

Dear Whipped, First of all, I have to ask, are you moving to her city to be closer to her? Don't tell me it's a job if the reason you took the job was to be closer to her. Have you spoken to her about your feelings? If not? What are you afraid of? Do you think that she knows how you feel about her, or do you think that you've played a good game of bluff (despite the fact that she anticipates you'll be in town in less than a year) and that you are truly "just friends" at this point? If she knows how you feel, then tell her what you want. Do you think that the issue with her may be that she's not over this ex and actually still has feelings for him? I'd ask her if I were you, and ask her if she still ever sees him. If she says yes, I'd find out in what context. If she says, "just as friends" then I'd be careful: If she ever had strong feelings for him and still sees him even just on friendly terms, that could be the reason she's still carrying a torch for this guy. Until she's willing to go cold turkey and cut this guy out of her life, she's living in the past with no hope to build a happy future. Eventhough you're her friend, you've got an invested interested as well, you've got yourself into a conflict of interest. You can't say to her, "you should stop hanging on to this ex as a friend if you want to move on with your life... oh and by the way, I want you for myself!" This might sound harsh, but I'd try to find out a little about what's going on in her life with this ex, if anything, and not make yourself as available as a casual friend to her if she's still in the pining stage. You can test the water and take her out on dates every so often, and not say much about your feelings, but just to see where she is and how she acts. Treat her like a date you really fancy and not just a good ol' pal, and she should realize that the stakes are much higher now, that she's got to decide to go for the future, or hang on to the past.

... I'm feeling rather nautious! Oh my dear, where to begin? Is all this effort really worth this? What are you getting out of all this drama? An emmy award? I don't THINK so. You want to know if what she did was technically "cheating"? Well, it is, if YOU think so. If she doesn't think so, then I guess it isn't, that is, if you have unofficially signed over all your sense of dignity, sanity, and reason to this ... err... high-class 'lady'-friend you have elevated to the level of "girlfriend". The truth is that it does not matter what she thinks about the situation, whether or not it was cheating because the two of you weren't officially together. Here's a list of what is clear: 1.) You need to figure out a bigger picture, not just look at this insane relationship, but back up several steps and look at yourself. Is this how you imagine a great girl would treat you? 2.) Not to get all Dr. Phil on you, but there are some obvious self-esteem issues here. Why are you with a woman who "hooks up" with guys for flings? You think that's responsible and sexy? That's not sexy, that's just disgusting. Do you lower your expectations because you prefer that type? Then in that case, deal with the consequences of Drama (with a capital "d"). If you decide you don't really want this type of woman in the end, then don't be that type of a man. What type of a woman "hooks up" with a guy who's got a girl anyway? I know the answer to that, but you've got to think about it for yourself. 3.) You bought yourself a cheap rhinestone, that's lost it's sparkle, now you want it to shine like a diamond. As far as this relationship is concerned, toss the cheap imitation, and save up for the real thing. You need to take some time out for yourself and think about your priorities in life --- not just what you want out of a relationship, but who you are, who you want to be, how you will get there, and how you determine your own self-worth. Are your goals big enough? Are your plans thought out yet? Do you know what it means to build and have integrity, and to safe-guard your integrity? I don't recommend living with someone unless you are married. that might sound insanely old-fashioned, but check this: Most couples who live together ended up having the worse break-ups. Even those who get married have a far greater chance of getting a divorce! I hope that sheds some light on your situation. God bless!

Look, if you really want to know... why you're not getting many responses to this question... I think you should try to think about other things than your eggs and Easter candy, no matter how much grass comes with the basket. Start developing your mind --- someday you might wish you spent these very years with your mind somewhere else than in your pants. I'm not trying to be harsh... but what kinda girl you goin' for anyway? Does she come with her own std test kit?

JHS let me tell you, you ARE beautiful, for being so humble and sweet and forgiving. Don't change... EVER! However, forgiving doesn't mean that you shouldn't move on. Actually, in this case, you do need to move on. Let's me help put this into perspective with you (I know you're hurting so I'll try to give you a little levity): If you ran someone's turtle over with your car, would you apologize and back over it again to make up for the first time? No? Of course not! So, why then is your boyfriend making you pay for having cheated and lied and broken your trust? You have forgiven him, the proof is that he is back in your life and spending time with you. But it is HIS job to do whatever he can to help you to RE-build trust in him and the relationship. That's not even your job! You're doing your part as it is, don't you see? This guy is a lazy slob in this relationship and is taking you for granted. (Oh, by the way, you're the "turtle" and your boyfriend is backing over on you. Ouch!) You are right, we are called to forgive, but you've been hurt by him, and if he wants you back he has to earn your trust. That's not punishment, that's the reality of life when you break someone's heart and want them back. What can he do to earn your trust? Well, did he tell you why he "cheated"? Is there ever a good reason? Did he tell you why he lied? Best of all, did he tell you, in lengthy terms, why he knows you are the only one for him and that he would never cheat on you again? Do you have terms of what you each would do if one of you decides to move on? Perhaps he hasn't worked too hard at this second chance (or 3rd?) because he wants to control your mind; have you 'cause he knows he's got something good and still do his thing when he's with the boys on the side. What types of places does he go to when he's with his guy friends? Does he go to clubs. 'Cause, honey, if he's going to night clubs without you, no matter what the excuse, he's not ready. Don't even try to discuss it. I'd ask him this, "What about you has changed that makes you know you would never cheat again?" Don't let him say it has ANYTHING to do with you. You know why? Cheaters don't cheat because of someone else, they cheat because THEY themselves decide to do it. They don't cheat because the other person was sooo attractive, or because they were mad at you, even. Cheaters cheat because they don't have the moral conscience to say to themselves, "I might feel this way, but I care about the person I am committed to, I care about my integrity of being an honest person, and I care about our relationship, no matter what ends up happening (whether or not we are to be married someday)." Committment is giving up of oneself to be a part of something bigger. Cheaters don't think about giving up something of themselves for something bigger, they just take and lie about it and make you feel to blame.

One of the things my grandmother didn't know about me was that I left my ex-boyfriend, he didn't leave me. I should have never told her that he was flirting with other women on the internet and planning to meet them. He was a pig! None of these women were even attractive, one was even married! I was horrified and I dumped him. I didn't feel like getting some disease when we were married. Before that I had hardly ever dated. I've always been "the good girl" who got attention from guys, and was so used to attention for the wrong reasons, maybe I didn't trust one or two of the good guys and let them go in the process. Anyway, for the last two years I've not even dated. I don't go anywhere where I might meet a guy. Still, I get guys from the store (married!) hitting on me, and cr## like that. No one impressive, just player-types or men who are hormonally challenged. I think that there are good guys out there, and my make-up wearing is the least thing that has kept me single all these years. My grandmother, by the way, got married when she was 22 to the first man she met when she got off the boat on Stanton Island, NY. My friend who I told you about, incidentally, is known for saying mean-type remarks to her closest friends, always along the lines that we won't find anyone. (She recently got married and was the most miserable bride I could have ever imagined!)

These comments are really making me smile. See---> I don't wear a lot of makeup at all, and my natural self does come through. By the end of the day, however, I look better without it, or a little lipstick (and foundation under the eyes). Anyway, maybe I could benefit from a tan, I don't know. I appreciate everyone's comments so far, but about the one from the guy who says he likes girls who only wear a tiny bit on special occasions: I'm in my 30s (I'm not sure if I'm the only old-lady here or not, since I just signed up tonigth). Also, I'm not a "jeans" type person: I've got the figure for it, but I just have gotten a lot more modest, as I try to detract sexual-type attraction. I do like to look good, but now I'm more into modest clothing styles. If I was engaged or married, maybe then I'd dress sexy.

Wow. I would like to know if guys are turned off of women who wear makeup when they go out, just about all the time. I am one of those women. I am very fair and have dark hair (Elvira's little sister) and I've been cursed with dark circles under my eyes. With just a tiny bit of makeup, I transform from tired, to really not bad (OK, I've been told I am actually "pretty"). I've also got a stigma from all the hideous advice I've been given by the mean women in my life: My mother (who's now deceased) used to never compliment me, and always criticize my makeup and tell me I had to wear more "blush", or a lipstick that "better compliments (my) skin tone" (I'm still not sure what she meant by that). My father's mother told me, "You're not the kind of woman a man marries. Either go back to your ex(-boyfriend) or forget about getting married!" (Incidentally, my ex is an 'ex' because I couldn't take how controlling he was to me, not to mention dishonest and unfaithful, but that didn't matter to grandma! She told me he's the "best" I could do.) AND, to top it off, someone who I thought was a good friend told me last year, "guys don't like to marry girls who wear makeup." Of course, that was just weeks before she, herself, started wearing shadow and mascara on a daily basis. OK, maybe there's a lot more going on that the issue of "to wear or not to wear." Never-the-less, I'm seriously considering tanning just to even out my skin (to my dark under-eye shadows). I'm still going to wear makeup, however, because I feel better about myself when I do. In some ways, I wish I never started, but the way my mom never gave me attention, I guess it was inevitable. Right, this was not about my relationship with other women, but finding a husband. My question is, I think, Do guys really expect the women they marry to be perfect all the time? I mean, I've seen women like Cameron Diaz or Carlize Theiron, two of the most beautiful women and Hollywood -- and they look pretty plain without makeup.