ShySoul

You've just gotten out of an abusive relationship. You also got out of a ten year relationship. It really would be wise for you to take time out of relationships all together. Take time for yourself, enjoy being single. It's natural to want some form of attachment. But you'll be better off in the long run if you take the time to be on your own and see you can be just as happy without being reliant on someone else. I've seen people rush into other relationships. It usually ends pretty badly. Not make that mistake.

I too often think about fading away and disappearing, wondering if it would really change or impact anything or anyone around me. I would never commit suicide though. But I knew how overwhelming the emptiness can be. And I've spoken to a fair number of people who struggle with similar thoughts. So if it's any comfort, know that you aren't alone. Therapy is not always the go to solution that it's often made out to be. There are plenty of bad therapists who can actually make the situation worse. I'm sorry you had to encounter one like that. Know that was on her, it wasn't you. Therapy can be good for some people, but it takes the right therapist matched with the right patient at the right time and saying the right things to someone who is ready to listen. In this regard, do what is right for you. If you think you need, pursue it. Look for ways that might be more affordable. But also know that in the end the strength to get through this will not come from external sources, it's within you. You've been the strong one enduring things this whole time. You're stronger then you probably realize. And that strength can and will make things better. It's just a matter of taking things day by day and focusing on one thing at a time. If you are having issues with your mother (something I completely understand), best course is to just avoid her. Focus on getting out. Even if that means spending hours in a park or library (two low pressure places for socializing), do it. Is there an activity you enjoy? Something that gets you out? It can be solo so to not cause you anxiety. The point is to get your mind off of what bothers you and onto something that makes you feel good. What kind of work are you looking for? There are plenty of jobs that are geared towards written communication. Probably 80-90% of my day is either working by myself or communicating by email. I've also struggled with conersations, feeling like I have nothing to contribute. It's usually because I don't share much in common with those I'm around. I'd advise not thinking about it. Doing so just causes more anxiety and you'll freeze up more in a self perpetuating cycle. Instead focus on you. Is there something you are passionate about? Books, animals, plays.... anything? Dig into that. Then find someplace that you can explore that topic. I find that when it's a topic I'm passionate about and I'm with someone else passionate about the same thing, it at least helps warm the ice and makes conversation a little easier as there is a built in topic we are already excited by. Hang in there. Every house starts shapeless and the foundation has to be laid piece by piece. You can do it. One day I'll bet you don't just see a house, you'll have built yourself a mansion.

Open, honest communication free of judgement is the key to most things. Tell him just what you said to us. Say you are willing to try whatever he wants, but that you want to make to make sure you are both okay with it and enjoy the experience. Make clear that either of you are free to stop something if it is no longer pleasurable for you. And set any groundrules for things that either of you may not be up for. That's simply partners showing love and respect towards each other. Otherwise, have fun. In and out of the bedroom, just continue to show him love and support. He feels safe enough to let you into something very private, so you are doing something right. Keep doing it.

"Happiness ain't prison / But there's freedom in a broken heart" - Running Just In Case, Miranda Lambert I think if you look at the lyrics for sadder songs they tend to be deeper and capture universal feelings we all feel but don't always have the words to express, especially when we are mired in our own personal sorrow. It helps us to better understand ourselves and what we are going through. Sadder songs cut deeper and make us stop and think more. Plus it's just good to get your feelings out there. Having that cry over a good sad song that you can relate to can be cathartic. It's a bit like having a really great friend. You love having fun and laughing with them. But it's when you can talk them about serious matters, trusting them with the not so fun stuff, that you really know how deep and strong your friendship is. It's great to have fun with an upbeat song, but the sadder ones touch something within you that strikes a chord and sticks with you. Of course my tastes lean to country music, the music of pain. So I might be a bit biased.

I have a feeling that was sarcastic advice. 😉 The fact that you said this though again shows me that you aren't a bad person and really have no intention of living these fantasies out. Even in the fantasy, you aren't willing to go too far. It's not about harming the woman. It's an outlet for the sense of helplessness and lack of control you feel in your own life. Sexually you lean dominant. That's fine. It's not something wrong with you that needs to be cured with professional help. It's an aspect of your natural personality that you need to come to terms with instead of rejecting or repressing. The bigger issue here is your feelings about yourself. You need to focus more on your strengths, see and lean into the good qualities you have. You need to concentrate your energy into doing the things you love and make you happy instead of spending it on negative thoughts and attacking yourself. What counts most isn't what others think of us, it's what we think of ourselves. As long as you continue to believe your not worthy of having someone, you won't. Believe in yourself though, and there I'm sure there is an awesome person that will come out and blow everyone away.

Forget what some people say. Whatever some people say, there will be other people who say the opposite. And others will say something completely different. None of these people are in your position either. They are not you. They are not her. And even if their words work in some cases, they might not be right for your situation. Instead listen to what she says. If she isn't interested romantically, don't get your hopes up that you can change her mind. If she wants to be friends and hang out together, then be happy being her friend. Personally, I'd rather have someone I care about in my life as a friend then not at all. If she already knows, why add more tension or drama? Enjoy the friendship you have for what it is. I had someone cancel on me multiple times. A couple of those were valid (family unexpectantly came to town, schol/work scheduling). One time wasn't which I confronted her about and she owned up to. Even with all of that, she was always interested in me. Things can happen, life can get in the way. Some people are also just really poor communicators and planners. Just because someone cancels doesn't mean they aren't interested (be it romantically or just friendship). Better to take it as a case by case basis.

Yes, money is a part of the issue. But I stand by it not being the core of the issue. It's like all the posts from people complaining they don't have enough sex in a relationship. Lack of sex is part of the problem. But then you find there is no emotional intimacy going on and that is what leads to lack of sex in the first place. The sex isn't what needs to be addressed, it's the other stuff that needs to be focused on first. In this case, I think if the guy had offered her something from Cracker Barrel or started to make plans to see her, it would have calmed her concerns down. Of he had demonstrated how he was working to improve himself. Instead every little thing indicated he wasn't willing to do all the things a person does to court another. I mean, he was willing to buy his mother a gift but not the person he was there on a date with? Relationship was used in a general sense as a lead in the actual point of paying what you can, as long as you make an effort. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic relationship, friendship, date, or whatever... you put in the effort. If one side feels they are being taken advantage of or that the other side isn't holding up their end, then the pairing isn't going to work out. Mamabear, everyone will have a different take on what happened, on what you did or didn't do, what he was feeling, etc. The only one that knows for sure what he is thinking is him. The only one that knows what you are thinking is you. In the end, he wasn't right for you. The rest of it doesn't matter. There will be someone else better for you. Just continue being you and being happy with your life. It's fine to be sad or question what happened. But don't let it get you to far down. This was just a detour to your real destination and one day you'll look back on it as a crazy story to tell about that guy you went to Cracker Barrel with. And geez, now I really want to go Cracker Barrel. To bad they aren't around this area. 😉

I hear you. When I was a child I'd get angry with myself over losing a board game or getting (gasp) an A-. I expected so much of myself that it was really an impossible standard. It took years to try to shift perspectives. I still have to be careful about avoiding putting myself in situations where that perfectionist and competitive streak start to come up. I agree with Batya, figure out what are the musts on the list. Take care of those first. Then see what are the things you'd like to have done and what things really can wait. Do what you can, but don't overstress yourself. Delegate if you have to. Self care shouldn't become an all or nothing proposition that stresses you out on how to do it. That kind of defeats the point, lol. As a friend always says to me, start small. Do the little things here and there. You don't need a full scale production out of it. The little things eventually add up.

Hi Rainbows. Sorry for not responding. I believe that was about the time I got Covid, so I must have been a bit distracted. Was going through old posts and thought I'd respond. Better late then never. I could never figure out how to define what the two of us were. It was way more then friends, but never hit official relationship. I wouldn't say we dated in the traditional sense as it was a bit long distance and only spent a handful of times in person. Both of us had been hurt from prior experiences so were cautious. Ultimately, I was willing to go all in on it, but she let her fears prevent her. That's not just my opinion, she eventually admitted it herself. Looking back I think the two of us were attracted to each other and really did love each other. i think we we complimented each other and were what we needed at that time. She pushed me to take a chance in pursuing something I felt was worth it. And I was the solid one who encouraged and supported her, who showed her there was better then what she had dealt with before. It wasn't a relationship to last forever, but it was the right relationship and the right fit for the time. In the end I'll always say to just be yourself. That doesn't mean do nothing. It means being happy with yourself and doing what you feel is right in your heart. If you believe something is worth pursuing, do it. If you believe it's best to hold back, then do it. There is a time and place for everything. The trick is to trust your instinct in knowing which is time it is.

Asking for a relationship within the next week is not taking things slow. With respect to your family member, we're not sure if the iron is plugged in let alone being hot. You just signed a lease, you barely know each other, you just got out of a relationship... none of these are signs that you should leap into a relationship. The risks would seem to outweigh the benefits at this time. I wouldn't rule out something happening down the line. But let it be down the line, when you are sure. Remember, good things come to those who wait.

I've found one of the secrets to life is to stop comparing yourself to others. Some people people find ways to be super productive and get more done by 8am then other people can in a week, Some people are able to handle absurd situations with no sweat. I say good for them. But that doesn't mean they are doing something right and the rest of us aren't. The important thing is to focus on you're life and do the best you can. Give yourself a break. You don't have to be a superhero who does everything. Realize you're human and can only do so much. Do what you can and learn to be okay with it. Life won't fall apart if you can't get to eveything. It's far more important to be happy with yourself and enjoy life. If a few things don't get cross of the checklist, so be it. True and beautifully stated. I should probably do that a bit more myself.

Was the documentary done in conjunction with his book from about that time, "If I did it?" I never read the book because I didn't want to support or have anything to do with someone profitting off such a horrible event. And while I'm sure the film is well done, I find it too disturbing to get into the mind of a murderer. I don't want to say I felt happy at his death, but I certainly didn't shed any tears. Amazing how what you experience in childhood sticks with you. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it becomes normal to you. You naturally love your parents. They take care of you and you look up to them thinking they know what is best. So you rationalize that their acts must be out of love, because what else could it be? Actually, it's amazing how mallable people's opinions can be. Say something enough times and most people will start to think it's true, even if it doesn't make logical sense. For some it's hearing what they want to hear. For some it's a way of coping and surviving. What can be confusing and complicated is realizing that a person's actions reflect more on them then on you. Someone who abuses is stuck on whatever happened to them to lead them to believe this is an acceptable way of showing love. It's not about the victim. But the victim, especially a young one, often can't see that. They internalize it until they feel they deserve it. And that is a difficult habit to get out of. Rainbow, sorry you've gone through all this. My best friend had a mother that would yell and I believe hit her as well. I see how it still affects her decades later. I'm not sure if a person ever fully gets over it. But know you are not your mother. You are strong and can do anything you set yourself to doing. Keep focusing on the business and building the life you want for yourself. You're an awesome person, keep it up.

Thanks Lolita, I feel better about my height now. If someone like you is fine with that height, it can't be that bad. 😉 My brother went with the mostly shaved look for his hair. Didn't seem to hurt him in the romance department. Though I won't be joining that club. Women have complimented me on my long hair, so I think I'll stay with that. Plus I've never liked gettng my hair cut and it saves money too! Jay, none of these really matter in the end. When you like someone, you like all of them. Even if you have general preferences, for the right person those preferences will get thrown right out the window. As long as the two of you are happy together, you've got nothing to worry about.

Unfortunately things can change at a moments notice. It can happen anytime, the other person not willing to put in the effort or deciding something on their own that makes no sense to you. I knew someone I spoke with nearly every night for hours, who we connected with incredibly. And things did go well the first meeting a little over a month later. And it continued to go well. Then she shifted and pulled back. It hurt. Sometimes things happen and people just aren't meant to work out. If you felt connected, there was probably a reason. People feel what they feel, when they feel it. It's not always under our control. If this wasn't meant to last, then take it for what it was. You had an enjoyable time with a person, even if it was for a short while. Cherish those memories but know that there is someone else out there who you will connect with on an even deeper and more amazing level.

What was it that triggered the dream though? He took a questionable photo with another woman, one where he is apparently holding her as one would hold a bride. I would think it's understandable that such a picture would cause her to at least be confused and have some doubts. Add in that this women has been heavily flirting with her man, and it's not surprising that she might be troubled enough for things to manifest itself in a dream. I do think this might have triggered some insecurities within her. And demanding that he not be around the women at all might be taking it too far. But her concerns are grounded on an actual event. It's not that he should acquiesce to her demand. It's that he should be sensitive towards her feelings. If something is bothering her and she is upset, then he should talk with her and try to calm her fears or insecurities, which he apparently did. They should handle it together. I'd say the same if the roles were reveresed and he was the one feeling insecure about something. They would need to talk and she should be the one to help calm him. Yes, we are responsible for our own feelings. But the benefit of being in a relationship is that we don't have to do that all on our own. You lean on each other to help you deal with the insecurities we all have and the traumas that life brings.

I don't think the issue here is money, that's just how the larger issue is being manifested. The core of the problem is in his lack of effort. When you are with someone you want to feel they are contributing, that it is a shared experience together. But if it feels like like you are the one that is or will be putting in all the time and effort, then you question how interested the other person really is. In not at least offering to contribute, it can come across as him not caring as much or taking it for granted that you will be doing most of these things. And if he doesn't seem motivated to work to improve his position, then you're left with the thought that this is what it will be like, with you contributing nearly everything. Then to have him not respond when you bring up your concerns, just reinfoces that he isn't going to put in the effort to make things work. It's understandable that you would have concerns. Relationships shouldn't be a checklist of who does what or who pays for what. When it comes to finances, some people will be in better shape then others. I think people should pay what they are able. But they should be making that offer. I was once in a position of just out of college, not working and still staying at home. I didn't have much. But I still offered to pay half or at least alternate paying. It didn't feel right otherwise. I didn't want her to feel obligated to pay and I wanted to show her I was willing to use what I could to treat her and make her feel special. Always felt like the gentlemanly thing to do. And really, a cheap gift from Cracker Barrel isn't going to break your bank account.

All the thoughts I'm sure you are having are probably dead on and you handled things as well as you could have. You made the effort to go to him. You were understanding of his situation and didn't try to force him into paying something or expect him to treat you to something fancy. You are understandably concerned over his lack of motivation to improve his postion. And you were fair in offering to make things 50/50 and split costs. You even gave him an out in saying maybe he should wait to date. You did everything right and handled it as a mature adult would. Unfortunately, the only person who can work on his issues is him. He needs to find the motivation to push himself and get in a better spot. That's not to say there aren't good qualities in him or that he's a total deadbeat. He could just be in a rough patch, depressed and struggling to turn things around. Working on his mental state is an important step. But you were right. Until he can get out of that, that is where his focus should be. It's not fair to you or anyone he would be seeing.

You didn't do anything wrong and have nothing to fix. You asked a friend who you trusted for something. Said friend had already asked for the very thing you wanted. Anyone in your shoes would have thought just as you did, that it was no big deal. This "friend" is the one who turned it into something else. The question to ask yourself is rather or not this person is really your friend and if you really want to continue to associate with him. If you do, then you need to confront him about his actions and let him know it hurt you. He embarrassed you and betrayed your trust. He needs to know that's not acceptable and sincerely apoligize. If he won't, he's not worth your time. As for the fetish, if it's what you like then it's what you like. I doubt it's going to cause anyone any harm, so there is nothing to fix there either. There are a lot more distrubing things you could be into, so feet is no big deal. If you get enjoyment, it's no one else's business. Just maybe be a little more careful on who you let in on it.

How long has it been since you got out of the relationship? It sounds like you might be rushing things and should slow down. Healing from your relationship might need some more time. Jumping into another relationship won't let you heal, it will just open him a whole new set of issues to deal with. You've also just meet this person. While I'm sure you are attracted and have feelings for her (and that's perfectly fine), a week is too soon to be in love with someone. You are still learning about each other. Things might come up that you aren't as comfortable with. Maybe give it some more time to see how you feel (like, at least a month 😉). You also don't want her to feel like a rebound, or to inadvertantly use her to help you get over the previous person. If she indicated she wasn't going to date, then it's probably best to not try to pursue a date. Take the time to continue getting to know her as a friend. If there are romantic feelings at all that develop, you won't have to ask or question. You'll sense it. Maybe down the line you can see about it, but for now I would let things be. I also know what it's like to be crazy about a roommate. It's difficult, seeing them everyday but not being able express everything you are feeling or have things the way you would like. Hung in there. You'll be okay.

Feelings aren't always logical. Even if you know things are fine and trust him, there can still be that bit of doubt in your mind. And there is still the unanswered question of what they were thinking with the picture in the first place. You can't always control the thoughts that enter your head and once they get there, it's hell to get rid of them. So don't feel bad about how you feel. It's natural. If you feel something, that's just how you feel and it's valid. The important thing is to figure out how to process and deal with it. If it continues to bother you, bring it up. He has already been understanding once, chances are he will again. I've had many conversations with women on topics that felt unsure about and I've always tried to reassure them and support them. A good guy will. I'm also sure there have been times I've done or said things that could be considered flirting, even though in my mind it was harmless fun with a friend. But if she was uncomfortable, then I made sure to stop as soon as I was aware of her feelings. I think your guy will be just as understanding. Best of luck.

A person is who they've always been in the relationship. Does he make you feel that way often? If so, there are other concerns in the relationship. No one should make a person feel uncomfortable like that. If not, then why would this be the thing that sets him off? If he usually approaches things with compassion and understanding, odd are he will now. Also, do we know what the circumstances around the picture was? I can think of innocent explanations - a joke or prank, a bet, alcohol fueled silliness. Yes, it wasn't wise and probably shouldn't have been done in the first place. But there doesn't have to be ulterior motives and secret agendas.

What is he like around her? Does he flirt back or is it more polite, friendly laughter? As a male, if I was with someone for ten years that would indicate I have really strong feelings for them and wouldn't be interested in someone else. I might be flattered by the attention, but wouldn't take it seriously. That could lead me to humor her and do something fun and silly as a friend, such as the picure you describe. But as I love the person I'm with, that's as far as it would go. You aren't being ridiculous for being annoyed with her. Some people don't respect boundaries and act inappropriately, Sounds like that's her. She should back off and show you and the relationship more respect. If she won't, then I question how much of a friend she is. As for him, it depends on how he is reacting to your concern. When he said it was nothing, did he say it with love and understanding? Did he try to comfort and reassure you? Or was it done as a dismissal? If it is still bothering you, then talk to him. He should be willing to listen and work through this with you. Again, you've been together for ten years. There is a reason. You both care for each other. So communicate and work things through. That's what couples do. Your feelings are valid and deserve attention, so give them attention together.

Spend enough time on the internet and you'll find a niche for every kind of preference. And a lot of them you'll wish you could unfind. Eh, not like we can control our height. Guess we'll just have to make due with what we have. Someone is bound to appreciate it. Right?

Glad your giving it another try. Your message was clear and fair. Hope it works out for you. Your situation, while understandable, was also bound to lead to some confusion and issues. You are each other's first option. You're more then just a casual date, but not an actual relationship? At a certain point you were going to need to have a talk and work this out. It's not sustainable to be in such an uncertain place. Eventually both of you need to decide if being together is what you really want. She needs to be willing to open herself and be vulnerable or she will risk losing everything. And you need to figure out how close you can actually be with her before you need real commitment. I also see a possibility that she pulled back not because of your acts, but because she was scared by her acts. She said she didn't want to have a serious relationship. And yet, she slept with you. Maybe she felt she was getting to close, having serious feelings she didn't think she was ready to face. She also pulled back after kissing the other guy, so pulling back might be a natural defense for her. Regardless of her reason, it is best to handle things gently and with compassion. You care about each other, so be fair and understanding. Work together. Neither of you want to hurt the other, so approach with love.

In my estimation phone is always better. Actually talking to a person leaves a better impression and gives more opportunity to actually connect with the person. Plus you can try to get a clear answer right there, setting a time that works for both of you. Text leaves more room to ignore it or delay. Maybe when you ask be a little more specific? State a day rather then living it open ended. And if she can't make that day, ask her what day works for her. Goal is to get something decided rather then continue to dance around the topic. Just me, but if I know we would have a great time, I would keep trying. I believe I did once. It took a few attempts to get things worked out, but we did end up having a great time and several more great times over the next few months.