NSAinOC

Bobster... i am in a VERY similar situation as you and I am going the route that others have suggested. I told her the truth and she is crushed as am I by the pain I am causing her. Do you mind sharing what you have done so far and how that has gone? I'd like to prepare myself as much as possible, although it's probably impossible!

I'd say that we are trying to ease back into things... I know she is working on herself... and she knows that I was very hurt by her decision to take a break and that I am still dealing with those feelings. At this point, I am just worried that we are going to keep going along like we are and then discover that I can't go back to the way I was... adn, really, we have both realized that things just aren't the same as they used to be.... even though we both want things to go back to what we once had. Anyone have any ideas how much time we should invest on continuing to test the waters?

Stepping back and evaluating what I had or what is missing is exactly what I did... and that's why we now have issues that I want her to change about herself (quit smoking, drink less, etc.). Before the "break" I thought they were things she did as a phase. However, I started to think that they were things she really feels like she needs to do and not so much a phase in her life. I am glad that she is working on these issues, but part of me is concerned that I still won't be happy with our relationship, even if she can overcome these issues. And another part of me thinks that I shouldn't be asking her to do these things for me... that she should do them for herself, even if we don't work.

If you haven't done so already, I would suggest talking to your mom and letting her know how you feel about the situation. I would start with the demands that they are making on you to stop doing what you are doing whenever they want you to and work your way up to the bigger issues. That way, you can get a sense of how your mom might react or what she might do about the situation. She may not even be aware of everyhting that is going on.

Here's my current situation and I would like some input/advice, especially if you are in or have been in a similar situation. I have been with my fiancee for over 3 years (engaged since Dec. 2003). About 2 months after getting engaged, she said she needed to take a break. Well, after two months of taking a break, she wanted to come back and "go back to normal." However, while we were on this break, I came to realize that I had a number of issues with her and I felt very hurt by her decision to take a break in the first place. She promised to address the issues and do whatever it would take to make me happy again. This happened about a week ago and I have a feeling that even if she is able to work on these issues, things will never be like they were and I don't think I'll be able to feel like my old self with her. A part of me thinks that I will be happier without her. Is this a comon reaction/feeling after taking a break? Is it even possible to rekindle the old feelings after going through something like this? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

I am 28, my fiancee is 23. We have been together since she was 19 (almost 4 years now). When we met, she spent a lot of her time with friends and a lot of that time smoking pot and drinking. Over the course of our relationship, she gradually stopped smoking pot altogether because she knew I didn't like it and that I didn't like that she did it. She still drinks, though I don't consider her an alcoholic. However, I have voiced my concern about her decisions after drinking; she has driven after having a few drinks or more on several occasions. Additionally, she has started smoking cigarettes and has been doing so for about 6 months. Again, I have voiced my displeasure with this habit, but she has continued to smoke. In December, after being together for 3 years, I proposed and she accepted. About 2-3 months ago, she informed me that she wanted to take a break and that she had been thinking about doing so since before our engagement. Her reason for taking a break was to "go crazy" and "be a 23 year old;" basically to go out and have a good time so she wouldn't regret not doing so after we are married and have kids. Well, we have been on this break for about 6 weeks now, and after a couple of weeks, the "blinders" I had been wearing started to come off. In other words, I started to realize just how much I dislike her cigarette smoking and her decision to drive after drinking and her decisions to spend money on random, needless things, when she is always short on money. Looking back over the time we have been together, I have allowed myself to believe she is going through a phase -- that she will grow out of these habits. The other night, I expressed my feelings. In particular, I told her that I felt like I am asking her to be someone she is not. In other words, I am starting to believe that she really wants to be able to smoke and drink and do all those things, and that she stopped for some time because I didn't want her to do these things. Yet, now, she feels the need for one last "fling" with these substances, even though she willingly accepted my proposal for marriage. When I brought up this idea, she said I was saying that I didn't know her, that the last 3 1/2 years have been a waste if I didn't know who she is, and that it sounded like I was looking for an excuse to break up with her. She claimed that she would quit smoking on the spot and that she hasn't driven after drinking for at least a month. On this point I indicated that she drove after smoking pot 2 mornings earlier. To this she said that she is "such a careful driver" after smoking pot. Our argument went on for some time and she pointed out my flaws. In particular, she has a problem with me not addressing conflict or problems in our relationship. Admittedly, I prefer to wait things out and see how they turn out before taking action. However, I have addressed issues at times, and I feel like I get it thrown back in my face when I do bring up problems (i.e. this night's argument). She also indicated that she hasn't tried very hard to quit smoking because I haven't tried to address this issue about myself. She also claimed that our relationship would have ended a long time ago if she hadn't worked on resolving problems that I ignored. I really do want to be able to address problems when they come up, but it's difficult; it's not a characteristic that I have developed, even though I want to. I would like some advice about this situation. I love my fiancee and I know she loves me. But I feel like I have been betrayed by her decisions and I feel like I am asking her to be someone she is not. How can I tell who she is, given the history of our relationship and her decisions? What can we do or what should I do? Am I ever going to be able to be upfront and confront issues when they arise, like she would like me to?