stillinLA

it's so nice to hear all of you saying these things. it's a good feeling not be alone with these same thoughts and same pain. it's so hard! but thanks to this site, i feel not so alone. my ex kept calling me and then said she missed me. i made the mistake of calling her and asked her why she was calling. she said that she still loved me and loves me and wants to think about getting back together. but later she said i only was pushing her to say that (i didn't at all!) and it was only what she was feeling at the time but can't think about it now. and is sorry that i made her say it --which i didn't at all. she keeps flopping back and forth! she's with someone else but has hinted she's not sure about it. it's a rebound relationship. and yesterday when she said that she didn't mean what she said about getting back together (she said i misinterpreted it ?!?!) i asked her if she was in love with him and she said it's up and down. she's stressed out with a big project that's vital and can't think about anything right now. so i'm backiing off. he is perfect for her because there's no past and she can have a simple relationship with him to keep her in comfort for now. it's so PAINFUL when they give you hope like that and then it's retracted and there's no resolve. i don't know what to do! that quote: "hope keeps me alive but it's hope that's killing me" is perfect. everyday it consumes me and i just don't know what to do about it. i guess it's like having an illness that you just hope soon goes away. but it's different --it's about another human being that means so much to you. isn't it crazy how much pain we are in? my heart goes out to EVERYONE here!

I know how you feel. I'm in the same position. But with an extra issue: she found someone to fill her void even before she left me. But she has said that her new boyfriend may not be working out and that she hasn't seen him much. But it's still there in between her and me. However, just last week she just told me that she loves me and still loves me and would like to get back together. But she can't get into a relationship that's the same as it was. And she can't do anything right now because she has a big project due that's stressfull. That makes me worry because anything can change between now and later. She has seen that I have changed, but she is still understandably apprehensive. I have to accept that and try to slowly reassure her and give her time and space. It's painful to wait for the unknown but there's nothing else to do. I can't force her to come back, she has to make the decision herself. Waiting can really hurt, I understand your pain. Anyway, the issue for you is to realize that she cannot be forced to love you again. She needs time to think about it all. And also even if she sees that you have changed, it is still a risk for her. There's nothing you can do but keep changing. That in itsellf is good because it's for you. And you might see life differently with your changes now. She just has to be convinced that you have changed and that you will stay changed and that things won't revert back to how they were. But don't force it. Let her know it politely and softly if you communcate, don't try to convince her too much. Just be happy and positive and be yourself. That's what she wants to see. You will have to give it time. She is another person and you can't force your realities on her. Let her think about it and lightly give her notice that you love her and do care for her. By your actions, she will see that you have changed and she will feel closer and better about coming back. It's all that you can do. I know that in the meantime it hurts to wait. Not knowing is painful. Hang in there.

Thanks Kate111 for your great insight. You've said exactly what my therapist has said! Are you her in disguise? I do love her in earnest and I have told her so. It has nothing to do with my ego or insecurity. I have told her all the things you mentioned. I've done it in an honest and truly caring fashion. I realize I'm paying the price for my lack. If she wants to come back, that's wonderful and if not I'll understand and we will still support each other as good friends.. After all, I caused her so much pain already. I want forgiveness and she has forgiven me but I know it still hurts her. I do want to have her in my life and I am prepared to give 100%. We were always very nice to each other despite my taking her for granted, as strange as that may sound. We are still very nice to each other. That makes it sometimes harder, I suppose. We get along so well. I will wait and I have told her so. I've said that she's the only one. I will give her time and space to decide. Thanks again, Kate.

hi kate111, Thanks, I'm looking forward to your reply! I think now that maybe I need to go to NC and wait(?) One great thing about all this is that I have honestly and truly changed and I am so grateful for that happening. It would not have happened if she had not left me. And I think that she sees the changes, too. She loved me deeply and I have learned to really love her for who she is. I was love impaired due to a negligent parent (this came out from therapy) but I did love this woman very much. I just didn't know how to express it. She felt rejected. I was always very nice to her but I just didn't show her 100% love. I'm terribly sorry to have hurt her. I think that she needs more time to feel confident enough to think about trying again with me. I certainly understand that. Actions are the only answer and I am now taking action with my life. I'm realizing that action is all there is. Words mean only so much.

dji123, I think the issue here is that you need to change and not for your girlfriend. If you really truly change then everything in your life will be good. You may even not want her back. And then again, she may really see you as honestly different and coming running back. Right now I say that you get help and change. That's the real underlying issue. I sought professional help for my negative behavior and I'm becoming a new person. Whether I get my ex back or not, that was what really needed to happen. Breakups can be real motivators of change and real revealers of truth. Trust me on this one. When you really change, you won't have to prove it to anybody. It will be so obvious that people will come to you like you're a magnet. Good luck.

Hi, I'm new to this forum and would like to say thanks to everyone! It's very comforting to know that we're not alone. Thanks for everybody's time and great advice! I need some help. This is long, sorry --but it needs an intro, I think. This is my first real breakup and it really hurt me and I do want so much to try again. My girlfriend of 4 yrs left me but I am totally understanding. I was becoming depressed and began to take her for granted. She loved me dearly and tried everything for me to get help. She had asked me to marry her several times but I was not in the right state of mind and scared. Then she finally had to stop loving me and go on with her life. I understand and don't blame her at all. But she found someone else to fill her void even before she broke up with me. In fact, she asked me to marry her the last week she left me. And when she did break up, she was clearly devastated and cried so much and could barely let go. She was hurt and I'm so sorry I hurt her. I have apologized profusely. I didn't know about NC and for the first 4 weeks I was a complete nut case. From anger to crazy and back again. You name it, I probably said it. I did however get professional help and I am on a great track now and have learned about life and love and have made great strides in my personal behavior. I feel really great! I am so happy for that and the catalyst for doing so was her and my 100% love for her. I really love her for who she is and I now love myself. No matter what happens I have respect for her and want her to be happy in life. I've told her I love her (yes, too many times, I'm afraid) and she does know that. She has great respect for me and she told me when she left me that she cannot see me not being in her life. She wants to be the best of friends. It's painful because I do want to be with her, but I'm fine with being friends. She means a lot to me. She invited me to her performance 2 1/2 weeks ago and I made a mess of things by getting emotional. I wasn't ready. Later she said that it was all about me hearing myself say I love her. She was right and I told her so. I stopped calling her, etc.. after that. I started NC. She went to a gig in NYC and called me everyday from there. She even called to ask me where Carnegie Hall was while she was already in NYC! (I'm in LA) And she's been calling a lot since she's been back. Very nice conversations and nice talk about our projects. I really enjoyed her calls and she liked it, too. We made plans to work together next year on a big project. But during one call I said I miss her and she quietly said that she misses me a lot. Then she was the first to say she missed me with the next call she made to me. But her calls have driven me crazy with hopeful possibilities! I'm too impatient, like a kid before Christmas! I need to know one way or another. She's been hinting that maybe it's not going to work out with her new guy. I finally called her (mistake?) and said that I think we shouldn't communicate for a while since it was hard on me and she was with another guy now, etc.. (another mistake?-- a friend told me to do this) She started to cry a little. I asked her why she was calling and why she said she missed me. She then said, "I love you and I still love you and I want to be back together." I didn't know what to say. I just said, "What should we do?" She said, "it has to be a different relationship then we had in the past." I agreed. The gist is that neither of us want to get back right this moment. I am still getting better about myself and want to continue that. She has a huge and stressful project due in 2 months. She than said something, but stopped and said, "no, you don't want to hear this." I pressed her and said that we need to be honest. She said that she cannot have a relationship until after her project is finished. I said that's understandable. I later sent an email saying thanks for the conversation and that neither of us are ready right now since we have our own work to do and let's just see what happens. And that we need to have a new relationship different than the past. I wanted to give her some real space. She emailed back saying that she completely agreed. But now I'm back into that feeling of being unsettled and that it's all too unknown! Arrgh! Should I just sit back and wait? She is not calling anymore because of what I said about communicating-- and now I'm sorry for saying that --I do miss her calls, but we do email very polite and nice emails. Should I call in a week and discuss it with her? I'm not sure what's actually happening here? Advice? What am I doing wrong? Anything right? Thanks so much!