Confused about a new guy

Hi

So I have a crush on this guy who’s my best friend’s college roommate and also his best mate. I’ve known him since last year but we only got to spend a night out alone in June and ever since I’ve liked him. He’s told me he wants me and is attracted to me and that he’s straight up honest with me.

We started chatting a lot. And then when we finally felt comfortable with each other, our sexting was amazing!

We made out once and decided to have a proper night with drinks and just us but that never really happened.

I gave him space for a few days and voila I come to know from our common friend that he’s back with his ex or talking to her.

I met him after for drinks and he was an absolute gentleman and flirted with me a little.

I asked him indirectly and he said he’s not been in love recently or is feeling that way for anyone. Also made a comment that he cut out people who controlled him which is his ex. (They’ve been on and off)

Aaaand recently when I’ve initiated frisky sexting he played along.

What should I do?

Should I tell him how I feel? Or let him go?

I’m 25 and he’s 26. He’s the first guy that I’ve liked and opened up to so fast. I really like him 💔

Maybe I should get over him but I want to also tell him how I feel if he’s not with her.

I’m confused

It doesn't sound like he's putting out any serious vibes to date you. He's certainly not treating you like a lady if he's talking about his schlong via text or if both of you are sexting. This sounds very superficial from the sounds of it.

Don't be distracted about what other people say about someone else's private life. It's hearsay and gossip. Pay more attention to how he treats you. If you're interested in something more down to earth, tell him that and let him connect the dots. Don't sext anymore and be a bit more firm about what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. If you want something more substantial, don't behave in the opposite manner and expect someone to treat you seriously.

Ah thanks Rose! But how do I gain back the seriousness? I’m already giving up and feeling low. I just like him aloooot.

Unless he's asking you out on real dates, you can assume he's not that interested and just enjoying playing the field. If you chase players, unavailable guys and uninterested men you could get hurt if you want more than sexting.

Is this the same guy?: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561730&p=7162986&viewfull=1#post7162986

We started chatting a lot. And then when we finally felt comfortable with each other, our sexting was amazing!

I come to know from our common friend that he’s back with his ex or talking to her.

recently when I’ve initiated frisky sexting he played along.

I really like him 💔

Don't feel low, honey. Just be yourself and let him know that you like him/enjoyed the sexting but are looking for a real relationship.

Unless he's asking you out on real dates, you can assume he's not that interested and just enjoying playing the field. If you chase players, unavailable guys and uninterested men you could get hurt if you want more than sexting.

 

Is this the same guy?: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561730&p=7162986&viewfull=1#post7162986

He suffers from maniac depression and just stays in sleeping or gaming so I don’t blame him for not making efforts. He did ask me when he’s going to see me and we meet on my set time.

No he isn’t. I’m done with that ex.

Why don't you find other guys to date? This one is too complicated.

He suffers from maniac depression and just stays in sleeping or gaming so I don’t blame him for not making efforts.

Why don't you find other guys to date? This one is too complicated.

I haven’t felt the sparks and connection with anyone like I do with him. We fit so well!

Plus one of the reasons i didn’t fall for my ex’s BS is cause my heart was focused on this guy.

How do I get over him? 💔

A person who is dealing with a mental illness and spends all of his leisure time sleeping and gaming isn't dealing with his mental illness properly.

As an older person with a whole lot of experience, here are two things I've learned.

1. NEVER enter a relationship with a person who needs psychiatric care and antidepressants, but fails to seek that help.

2. Liking someone is not enough, it itself, to pursue someone. And yes, you're the one pursuing, not him.

In 3 or 4 months you've met up one time? He has no excuse good enough for failing to make any efforts in going on dates. What is the reason he doesn't make any effort? He's just not into you. He only takes the two seconds it takes to sext because it's free porn. You feel like you fit with him because subconsciously you lack self worth, and so you think someone like him is all you deserve in life.

Work on improving your self esteem and you will only accept guys in your life who make it crystal clear they are into you, and actually ask you on dates.

You date other guys. Sexting is not 'fitting so well'.

We fit so well! How do I get over him? 💔

Great post from Andrina.

He is depressed, spends his days sleeping and playing video games. That, right there, is generally the stuff that kills a spark. Why it's making your spark flicker more—well, I'd at least take note of that.

I get the impression that you know what you want right now: a nice, gentlemanly guy who is emotionally available and into taking you out, getting to know you, with some friskiness evolving, as it does. Great!

But this? I don't think this is that, so much as you trying to will it into that. Sexting before dating? Not gentlemanly. Saying you want to make plans for an actual date and then not really doing it? Not gentlemanly. Meeting up with you during a downturn in his on/off relationship, if the word on the street is accurate? Not gentlemanly.

Knowing all of the above and initiating frisky sexts anyway? Something is up there. No biggie, nothing to spiral about, but I don't think that is the best choice to make given what you actually want, either with him in particular or dudes in general. I think you're putting on a mask that's not quite you to get someone to become someone he's not—and that can cause some spiraling.

Great post from Andrina.

 

I get the impression that you know what you want right now: a nice, gentlemanly guy who is emotionally available and into taking you out, getting to know you, with some friskiness evolving, as it does. Great!

 

But this? I don't think this is that, so much as you trying to will it into that. Sexting before dating? Not gentlemanly. Saying you want to make plans for an actual date and then not really doing it? Not gentlemanly. Meeting up with you during a downturn in his on/off relationship, if the word on the street is accurate? Not gentlemanly.

 

Knowing all of the above and initiating frisky sexts anyway? Something is up there. No biggie, nothing to spiral about, but I don't think that is the best choice to make given what you actually want, either with him in particular or dudes in general. I think you're putting on a mask that's not quite you to get someone to become someone he's not—and that can cause some spiraling.

Ah thanks so much. That is who I want!

I’m still looking at him the way we first met and had that connection.

I agree I need to improve my self esteem which has been hit due to two guys previously leaving me for other women.

I just need tips on how to get over someone as I’ve never experienced this before 💔

 

As an older person with a whole lot of experience, here are two things I've learned.

 

1. NEVER enter a relationship with a person who needs psychiatric care and antidepressants, but fails to seek that help.

 

2. Liking someone is not enough, it itself, to pursue someone. And yes, you're the one pursuing, not him.

 

In 3 or 4 months you've met up one time? He has no excuse good enough for failing to make any efforts in going on dates. What is the reason he doesn't make any effort? He's just not into you. He only takes the two seconds it takes to sext because it's free porn. You feel like you fit with him because subconsciously you lack self worth, and so you think someone like him is all you deserve in life.

 

Work on improving your self esteem and you will only accept guys in your life who make it crystal clear they are into you, and actually ask you on dates.

Ah Adrina. You’ve left me speechless 😭

I know that I’ve lowered my standards lately and I’m the one pursing him. I told myself why not, it’s 2020 women can pursue men but he needs to make a little effort as well.

I’m planning on asking him if he’s seeing someone to know if he’ll lie to me or tell me the truth.

Maybe he’s not telling me as he wants to keep me his second option? Which I’ll never be. I know I’m better than that.

I see him and melt, it sucks 💔

Right.

Well, when you first meet anyone you are kind of meeting two people: the actual person, who is still largely an unknown, and whatever you end up projecting onto them, which is typically a fantasy or hope that existed in your mind before you met them. The key is to make sure the projection doesn't get in the way of what you're actually seeing, since the projection was a movie you were already watching in your own brain, if that makes sense.

Understanding that, in ways, helps you get over it.

Follow me for a moment: Let's say I'm craving sushi like you can't believe, so I go to a sushi restaurant. But all the fish I get is kind of rotten—not totally disgusting, but not quite what I was craving. First few pieces I eat with a smile on my face, kind of pretending to be satisfied because, hey, it is sushi and I was craving sushi. But after about four bites there's no denying it: my dinner is bad sushi. Ugh. Bummer. But there are other nights, other sushi restaurants. My craving can exist in a vacuum for a bit, unmet, because I'm confident I can meet it another time.

Improving self-esteem also helps, big time. You are your own cushion, after all, the thing that catches you when you slip on one of the numerous banana peels life has in store for you. If your cushion is thin (low self esteem) the fall is going to hurt more and be harder to get up from; you end up breaking bones where others just get scratches. If your cushion is thick (high self esteem) it will still hurt, since falling sucks, but you'll kind of know, even as you're falling, that you'll be fine. Soft, thick cushion to land on, and chill out on for a minute, before you bounce up.

You're 25? Great time to fatten up that cushion so you don't accidentally turn dudes into the feathers inside it, you know? Find things you love, do them. Could be a massage, could be a pottery class. Think of something you are curious about trying, and try it. Give therapy a whirl, or yoga, or whatever. These things are great for the cushion.

Thanks Bluecastle!!

I am considering therapy or gym. I’m even focusing on work now.

I’m thinking of not using twitter anymore as that’s where I see his girlfriend commenting on his posts and it stings tbh.

I’m trying to accept that I can have him as a friend and it’s alright. He doesn’t need to be my boyfriend. 💔

Thanks Bluecastle!!

I am considering therapy or gym. I’m even focusing on work now.

I’m thinking of not using twitter anymore as that’s where I see his girlfriend commenting on his posts and it stings tbh.

 

I’m trying to accept that I can have him as a friend and it’s alright. He doesn’t need to be my boyfriend. 💔

Why "consider" therapy or the gym? Why not just do therapy and/or the gym? Why "think of" not using Twitter anymore, but instead just not use Twitter anymore, or at least for a stretch? And why even "try to accept" that it's already for him to be just a friend when you don't actually want that?

Yeah, I realize that sounds like splitting hairs, but it's not. It's the difference between an apple and orange—or, well, low self-esteem and high self-esteem.

You are your own car, steering wheel, and navigator. This is fact, not some hocus pocus I'm sprinkling your way. You can sit in the driveway doing a lot of thinking about where you might want to go, but what happens with that? Well, you just sit in the driveway, getting antsy, watching other cars pass by you and, who knows, maybe hoping for one to take you for a ride. In that headspace, you are kind of vulnerable for some bumpy rides.

Right.

But the real challenge for me is i can’t be comfortable with any new guy or let him even touch me.

I woke up this morning feeling like crap when I thought I’d be better.

This in itself should help you move on. Instead of twitter, get on dating apps and invest energy into finding your own bf. One who isn't sleazy and sexting you while he chitchats with his gf on social media.

I see his girlfriend commenting on his posts and it stings tbh.

This in itself should help you move on. Instead of twitter, get on dating apps and invest energy into finding your own bf. One who isn't sleazy and sexting you while he chitchats with his gf on social media.

It’s so hard to find a good guy where I stay through dating apps specially. What made me like this guy is how helpful and kind he is to his friends. ANYWAY I NEED TO MOVE ON UGH 😭

He sent me a snap and I melted again 💔

You're going to have to block him in every way for closure, and why would you want to be friends with someone who only sleeps and does gaming? BORING. Plus, your new bf will not like you staying in contact with a guy you wanted more with. Write out your task list, being proactive for moving on and creating the life you want.

1. Text the sexting buddy: I'm looking for something you can't provide so I'm moving on and will have to delete your contact info for closure. (parting words--thanks in advance for understanding, good luck with blah blah)

2. Block/delete him on everything without waiting for his reply.

3. Avoid looking for guys/romance.

4. Join a gym, or choose a hobby that will be fun.

5. Do something fun with a girlfriend. Go for a hike in a park while the weather is still nice. Get your nails done together. Invite her over for a meal.

6. Practice positive self talk. Read books and articles on improving your self esteem.

7. When you have a fulfilling life with a hobby and the support of family and friends, and have achieved a better self esteem/outlook without baggage, you can begin step 8.

8. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list for men and stick to it.

9. Join meet up.com as a less stressful way to meet single men in your age group.

(P.S. My husband was also cheated on by two women in his two longest relationships. He took a break from romance for about 2 and a half years before he felt ready to date again, baggage free. He and I met and he never once behaved in a way that would suggest he didn't trust me. I once remarked on that, regarding his past and he said, "You're a different person. I trust you.")

The only control you have is to have a day by day, wait and see attitude. Keep your eyes open to observe if a guy's behavior toward you, what he says and what he does, makes you feel special. If he shows the normal effort of a guy who wants to date you and wants to get to know you, and he puts in that effort. If that doesn't happen, throw back that little fish, immediately (no waiting around, hoping it'll improve) and keep on going until you find the keeper. I'm routing for you!

Thanks Andrina!

That was helpful and I’m glad things worked out for you and your husband.

All my life I’ve had my standards so high and never let anyone in which made my ex ditch me for an easier and younger girl.

I don’t mean to brag or anything but I’ve been supportive of my girlfriends through their divorce and everything but I don’t have anyone as such to be with me in this time.

And I haven’t told anyone that I have a crush on him cause it’s embarrassing now that’s hes with someone else.

You’re right, I’m not looking for anyone right now. I need to get over him first which I will and it’s not going to easy I know. I’ll just have to deal with it myself, all those weak moments.

And I didn’t respond to him today and deleted my Twitter app. I’m trying. I really am.

Thank you all for responding and helping me.

Man, can Andrina be more awesome?

My gut response to your reply to me—the bit about "i can’t be comfortable with any new guy or let him even touch me"—is: Great! That means now is not the time for new guys and being touched, but the time to become more comfortable with yourself rather than fixated on guys (old and new). A month or two—or much longer—of not dating or pursuing dating is a wonderful thing. Makes dating really wonderful, when you press play again.

Follow me for a minute. I am, by nature, someone who needs an absurd amount of physical activity to be content, just like I am someone who finds contentment in romance. I generally surf twice a week, do a silly work out 2-3 times a week involving lots of push ups and pull ups, am in a yoga studio 5-7 days a week, and ride a motorcycle everywhere, which is pretty strenuous. Well, right now I have an injured shoulder, which has meant curtailing a lot of that. It has meant sitting still and resting when I'd like to be active—but I'm sitting still and resting in order to be active, which means I like sitting still and resting, right now, as much as I like being active. I need it.

Where I have an injured shoulder you have an injured heart, a bruised self-esteem. You can try to treat that stuff with what caused it—dudes—but that's like me treating my shoulder through pull ups. I will go from kinda hurt to very hurt, even if I feel kind of awesome and heroic for 30 seconds when I do 20 pull ups. Sore and hurt back at my house, I will feel like you feel this morning: confidence drained, pain intense. So you need to treat that stuff for a bit so you can do it again, enjoyably. Andrina gave such fabulous advice I won't bother adding to it.

I have had an injured heart, a bruised self-esteem. I've been cheated on, left by women. Sucks. But also? These are things that happen in life, not things that need to define a life. Those awful moments in my past? I don't even define them as "being cheated on" or having "been left." They are just chapters in romance that did not work—because, really, that is all they are, as these chapters are in your life: things that once worked, or once seemed like they'd work, that stopped working. Once you see it like that, you'll be ready for more.

I have zero fear of my girlfriend cheating on me—and that's not because she's the most amazing woman on the planet, though she is. It's because I gave myself a rest, to recover, so that when I went out and started getting romantic again I wasn't trying to treat the old romantic wounds with new romance. Should things get ugly with my girlfriend, I will be devastated, but I also know that I could recover from that, much like I know my shoulder will be fine (it's close!). Knowing you can recover is kind of what allows you to really be in it and open to it—to be touched again.

Anyhow, rooting for you as well, along with Andrina!

BLUECASTLE!!!

First off I’m sorry about your shoulder and wish you speedy recovery!

I just want to thank you all who took time to respond to me and help me out. Means a lot guys!

Funny how strangers can be more helpful than people in your life.

I’m just trying to be as positive as possible, not easy but I’m trying.