Hit a weird spot in relationship and I don't know what to do

So,

I have been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years now, I am 23 and she is 22. I have had long term relationships in the past but this girl has felt different than all of the others and believe me I know how cliche that sounds. We have had our good and bad moments just like any other relationship but we have always come out stronger on the other end. That is until this past weekend.

For some background we live an hour away from each other and with our work schedules and with her school schedule we can really only see each other on the weekends. Previously with a bit more relaxed schedules we saw each other about 3 times a week. I just graduated from college and I have been trying to find a job closer to her and am pretty close to locking something down so we would be closer to one another with the potential of moving in together somewhat soon. We have had conversation about marriage, about having kids, and moving in together and building a potential life all of which was originally brought up by her but I always agreed because I truly believe she is the person I see myself loving doing that all with. Which makes this last weekend all the more difficult.

We had been spending the weekend together and had been having a ton of fun she repeatably told me how much she wasn't looking forward to leaving and how much she was going to miss me when Sunday morning came. That was until it came time to be physically imitate, it was fairly mediocre and it noticeably bothered her which led to a long tearful conversation where she had wondered if we had lost the spark we once had and if she was getting everything she needed from the relationship. She had mentioned that she had only been feeling this way for a few weeks and previously whenever she had felt that way it had always came back, but she told me that she wants me to initiate more and that she wants to more cute spontaneous couple things which was backed by her saying sometimes it feels like we are just best friends and not really a couple. We had talked all night and eventually she spent the night with me and the following morning and while it was nice to keep spending time with her things were noticeably shaky even though we had found a bit of resolution. We told each other I love you, we kissed and she drove off.

The rest of the day we texted as we normally do but she felt distracted which just played in to my anxiety that something wasn't right. I eventually called her at night and told her I was feeling anxious and sad just in general but not specifically about us. We talked for a bit which calmed me down and she told me she loved me and I went to bed. I woke this morning with a similar anxiety when she called me in the morning as she normally does when she is headed off to class and we talked like me normally do. She mentioned that she wanted to go somewhere for spring break and when I asked her if she wanted to go together or if she wanted to do a friend trip she said "I don't know", she said she was maybe going to go out to California to see one of her friends that moved away for college.

I don't know if this is all in my head or if something is truly broken here, after a fight or conversation like that I have never felt this way afterwards. We are always able to work on it and things always get better but I just don't know. I have more relationship experience than her having had girlfriends for most of my life but she has had more sexual partners than me as she casually hooked-up most of her time in college before meeting me, with a boyfriend or two thrown in there. I don't know if I can meet her standards in physically intimacy as she has more experience than me. We only are physically intimate about once a month now do to our schedules and just general exhaustion when we see each other so its tough sometimes to build a rhythm. I want to do more couple stuff and be more intimate but sometimes it feels like we just don't have a lot of time or money to do it since we both just live paycheck to paycheck currently and we both work or go to school all the time.

Sorry for the rambling I just needed to get that off my chest and was wondering what removed strangers felt about the situation.

It sounds like she feels you're in a rut and the romance is missing. These are warning shots that you've gotten to complacent and need to start going out on dates, doing romantic things and being a bit more exciting.

it came time to be physically imitate, it was fairly mediocre and it noticeably bothered her which led to a long tearful conversation where she had wondered if we had lost the spark we once had and if she was getting everything she needed from the relationship. she told me that she wants me to initiate more and that she wants to more cute spontaneous couple things which was backed by her saying sometimes it feels like we are just best friends and not really a couple.

Gotcha. We are going to a masquerade party this upcoming weekend, would this be a good opportunity to get back to the place we want to be at?

Gotcha. We are going to a masquerade party this upcoming weekend, would this be a good opportunity to get back to the place we want to be at?

Maybe... I guess the question is how much of what is happening is you taking the relationship for granted (which is something you can fix) and how much of this is just her deciding she wants something else (which is something you can't fix)?

I agree with Wiseman, but I also want to caution you that maybe things moved a little fast. Talking about marriage and kids in your early twenties puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. You two should be thinking about the present and having fun now rather than worrying about spending forever together. While "spark" is important in a relationship, it is not what sustains a relationship in the long-run. Once the honeymoon stage is officially over and the excitement has worn off, it becomes clear if the relationship will be able to last the long haul or not.

Doing more exciting things and keeping fun in your time together will definitely help, though. Try to stop having anxious talks about your involvement and just focus on enjoying yourself. Having relaxed energy helps when tensions get high.

Basically.. the "honeymoon" period is over and your lady sounds like she is one who needs to always feel like she is in the "honeymoon" period. LDR's can be tough on that because yes you miss each other, but because you're not together regularly it can feel a big foreign as well (you don't get a rhythm/groove going).

i would definitely say, knowing this about your gal, that even though you are 2 yrs in - don't get comfy. don't get into "relationship mode" too deeply ever - especially when the situation is lending itself more towrads a "dating" rhythm. Now. I'm not saying you 2 aren't serious - you are. I'm just saying "relationship mode" is more day to day, together constantly, living together stuff (which you obviously don't have right now simply due to distance), while "dating mode" is when there is some separation and distance.

So.. until things move along so that "relationship mode" can kick in and you can build more of a relatoinship feel, make sure you are still in "dating mode" to keep that spark going. In fact, one of the biggest mistakes couples make once in a relationships is they forget to keep dating each other! Never stop dating each other to keep that fun, spontaneity, and spark going. This is essentially where you are at and what your girl is saying she needs more of.

Now.. one thing SHE must accept is that EVERY time together and EVERY moment can't be "date mode" - it just doesn't work that way. Relationships, if this is the one, are goin to last decades. It would be impossible for every day for decades to be "date mode". So she needs to also realize that a relationships is a grind and becomes a brind (especially after kids!!!) So she also could be a bit more realistic in the big picture with her expectations.

But as for now.. yeah.. the distance, the lack of daily regularity - emphasize and focus on "date mode" until things change to where it can be more "relationship mode" with her - never forgetting to "keep dating" your gal enough to keep it sparking.

Good luck.

It's definitely not all in your head, OP. She told you she's been re-thinking things, so you're not imagining her distance. She also says she's had these feelings of doubt before, which is significant. It's the first time she's voicing them to you but not the first time she's questioned things to herself.

When you two do see each other on weekends, what do you normally do? Do you communicate regularly throughout the week? You say sex has dropped off dramatically, which isn't a good sign with such a young couple. I get that you only see each other on weekends but are you both that wiped out every weekend that you can't work on increasing the frequency?

It could be as simple as getting a bit bored with the routine, or as complicated as her wanting to explore what else is out there. If it's the former, you two can address that as a couple. One masquerade party won't be enough to get things back on track, but it's a start. If, however, the real problem is that she is itching to spread her wings, there's really nothing you can do about it. That would be on her to decide if she wants to be single more than she wants to be with you. You will know soon enough which of the two issues it is.

I would put the brakes on talk of marriage and kids, in any case; you are both still very young and that's a big commitment to be considering. Also, I would try to work on coping mechanisms for your anxiety that don't involve her, too. She knows when you call her now feeling anxious and sad that it's not in general and is specifically related to you two. It's certainly understandable that you are stressed and upset after hearing this news, but she isn't going to be able to provide you the relief you seek right now. She has been honest that she isn't sure about the future together so calling her for some soothing isn't going to work for you.

That's what discussions are for. She cares enough to bring up the problem so it can be fixed versus dumping you. She said she feels like you two are best friends instead of being a couple, so think of things you would only do with a woman who you're in love with. Maybe attempt to do one of these things each time you get together: It's not very expensive to buy some body oil and lotion. Mix a little of it together and give her a foot rub or back rub the next time you two are together. Write her a note or e-mail her about all the things you appreciate about her. Buy her a single rose. Plan a picnic by a lake or the ocean. An evening stroll by the water is especially romantic, weather permitting.

It's not uncommon to have an occasional mediocre intimate experience, but to make sure it doesn't become a pattern, explore role playing, read some articles on Cosmopolitan Magazine online or on the website Askmen to get some ideas on new positions, etc.

She should be responding with her own efforts as well, and if she doesn't, tell her what you need from her. Good luck.

I read this thinking how similar our situations are and it got me thinking about my own relationship issues, and I agree that it's difficult to navigate "relationship mode" versus "dating mode" given the circumstances.

My bf lives an hour away, we both work salaried full time jobs, and see each other on the weekends only. It can be hard to be spontaneous, especially when you've spent all your energy during the week grinding.

I won't hijack your thread, just wanted to let you know there's a couple out there in their late 20s who are experiencing similar circumstances that cause tension in the relationship.

We even had issues with a decrease in libido for about a month.

That said, I too am curious what you two do on the weekends?

I think spontaneity makes its way into "relationship mode" with either very little things, or very big things. Either it's randomly hugging your partner while they're doing the dishes, or it's door-dashing them dinner to their place. Ya know, reminding them that they indeed are your SO and not just a best friend hanging out and doing things together.

Has she put any ideas on the table to give a clue into what she feels is missing?

I'd be curious why she's been thinking this way for awhile, when you're focused on it having only been just this past weekend.