I suddenly developed feelings for a close friend

For some background, I've known this guy for about 7 years and we hang out very frequently. I'm a 25 year old woman and he's a 28 year old guy. I never really saw him in a romantic way because one or both of us would always be dating someone else despite remaining close friends, plus the attraction just wasn't there. For some reason a couple weeks ago when we were hanging out, feelings hit me all of a sudden, and all at once. I just had a realization he was one of the only people in my life who has seen all of me, positive and negative, but still stuck around and the same is true for him.

Anyways, there's a couple issues here. First off I don't want to ruin the friendship and I could see coming forward about this might do so. Secondly, he started seeing someone new a couple weeks ago, around the time I realized my feelings. They are not exclusive and the girl's actually really cool, but it still puts me off from saying anything. I don't know if he has feelings for me or not but there have been a couple signs:

-he calls me gorgeous almost every time I see him

-he has made jokes about us "one day getting married"

-I catch him staring at me a lot even around the new girl he's seeing

-he has mentioned that with the new girl he's seeing, he thinks they might be better as friends (but that he also really likes her)

So I guess my question here is, what's the best thing for me to do? If I tried to have sex with him I'm pretty sure he'd go for it but that's something probably best left saved for a while into the future. I could tell him my feelings but I'd feel kind of bad putting him and his recent new girl in that type of position.Any advice or thoughts are appreciated, thanks.

I would ask him how serious he is with this woman and that likely will prompt him to ask why you are curious about that. Or ask him out on an actual date - tell him you're going to get tickets to a show or concert and would he like to go with you. i think coming on to him sexually is a terrible idea if you see serious potential here. If you just want to have sex with him then, sure, go for it.

Thanks for the reply. I think I may have had feelings for awhile that were blocked because of bad timing (when we originally met he was in a relationship already and talked extensively about her, and we've both seen other people for the majority of our friendship). I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything for him because I knew it wouldn't work.

I agree clear and honest communication is a good idea, although it would change the nature of our friendship no matter what. If he decides to stay with his current fling, I'd really have no choice but to see him a lot less, which isn't necessarily the worst idea if that's what he wants.

I would ask him how serious he is with this woman and that likely will prompt him to ask why you are curious about that. Or ask him out on an actual date - tell him you're going to get tickets to a show or concert and would he like to go with you. i think coming on to him sexually is a terrible idea if you see serious potential here. If you just want to have sex with him then, sure, go for it.

I agree - I'm not going to bring anything sexual into the relationship at this point in time. Thanks for the advice, a date is a good idea.

If he’s single and you are single then go for it. You already have feelings for him that won’t go away.

What do you mean the attraction wasn't there? I know that I have found a person attractive but didn't have chemistry for the guy, and so had no desire to kiss him or more. To me, it'd be like kissing a guy relative. I'm trying to understand how seeing a guy for 7 years and not being attracted and then veer to having butterflies happens to you, or do you not have butterflies? Do you now look at him and gush to yourself--sometimes stare too long because he's so damned cute and sexy, or not?

Sometimes male/female close friendships can last a lifetime depending, but sometimes those friendships only happen in youth, when people haven't entered into their lifetime/serious partnership yet. Because not all couples are okay with their spouse having a bestie of the opposite sex. Therefore, your friendship might have an expiration date, whether you like it or not. That might be one reason to explore a romance, since the friendship might die out anyway. Less to lose, so to speak. You will have to work out your own ethics of doing it now or wait to see if this new girl doesn't work out. They are not exclusive, so I don't see anything ethically wrong with having a discussion with him now.

Most people regret not taking a risk. Even if the risk doesn't pan out, at least you can rest easy that you tried and won't beat yourself up later. Whether the friendship lasts is in his hands after that if he's not interested, but you also must think of the consequences of that decision also. When either of your partners asks if either of you has been romantically interested in the other, the truth might hurt the new romances because of the reasons I stated in paragraph 2.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

What do you mean the attraction wasn't there? I know that I have found a person attractive but didn't have chemistry for the guy, and so had no desire to kiss him or more. To me, it'd be like kissing a guy relative. I'm trying to understand how seeing a guy for 7 years and not being attracted and then veer to having butterflies happens to you, or do you not have butterflies? Do you now look at him and gush to yourself--sometimes stare too long because he's so damned cute and sexy, or not?

 

Sometimes male/female close friendships can last a lifetime depending, but sometimes those friendships only happen in youth, when people haven't entered into their lifetime/serious partnership yet. Because not all couples are okay with their spouse having a bestie of the opposite sex. Therefore, your friendship might have an expiration date, whether you like it or not. That might be one reason to explore a romance, since the friendship might die out anyway. Less to lose, so to speak. You will have to work out your own ethics of doing it now or wait to see if this new girl doesn't work out. They are not exclusive, so I don't see anything ethically wrong with having a discussion with him now.

 

Most people regret not taking a risk. Even if the risk doesn't pan out, at least you can rest easy that you tried and won't beat yourself up later. Whether the friendship lasts is in his hands after that if he's not interested, but you also must think of the consequences of that decision also. When either of your partners asks if either of you has been romantically interested in the other, the truth might hurt the new romances because of the reasons I stated in paragraph 2.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thanks for the reply. I think the feelings have always been in the back of my mind but may have been repressed because it was always really bad timing. In the past he was emotionally unavailable for quite some time as he had an on again off again relationship with a woman he loved for several years. During that time I didn't consciously experience any attraction. Only within the past couple months or so has he cut her out and stopped talking so much about her, and I think that's why the feelings hit only recently.

I understand it perfectly, as we grow and evolve, our energy can change too, which is precisely what chemistry is - two energies vibing, clicking, coming together.

And when that chemistry is genuine, and not based on things superficial, like looks, status, money, it's usually mutual, at least it has been in my experiences.

So this explains why you didn't feel it earlier, but feel it now - the "energy" has changed. Makes sense to me!

My guess is he's feeling it too, but I would not "talk" to him about it, show him through your actions.

Attempt to change the dynamic by being more flirty, less like a "friend."

Actually since there is a strong attraction now, this should be easy!

How have you acted with other men you've been attracted to? With whom you were not friends?

Act that way with him!

Create a little mystery, flirt, tease, in short again, try to change the dynamic.

Good luck!

I agree clear and honest communication is a good idea, although it would change the nature of our friendship no matter what. If he decides to stay with his current fling, I'd really have no choice but to see him a lot less, which isn't necessarily the worst idea if that's what he wants.

Your feelings have already changed the nature of your friendship, so self honesty about your new agenda is smart. Taking the risk to reveal your feelings isn't as big of a risk as you might imagine, because pretending to preserve a friendship that's no longer really a friendship for you doesn't serve you.

Once you're romantically attracted to someone, it makes no sense to hang around the periphery of their life while they date other people. So own your agenda, learn whether he's invested in the new girl, and if not-so-much, drop the feeling-bomb and see what happens. He may need to go off and process things for a while. Just consider your honesty as planting seeds. If they take root, great. If not, you've liberated yourself to invest your time and focus on friends who can actually BE your friends and potential lovers who can actually BE your lover.

Head high.