Love and divorce

In an attempt to make some kind of sense our of my chaotic mind I hope some people can share their experience or give some advice. This is a hard and confusing story so I am sorry, I need to air my heart and thoughts.

Recently my wife of 11 years and I have been fighting a lot more and during fights we regurgitate things from the past resulting in larger and larger escalations. It has come to a point where I feel we are living together taking care of 2 children. We hardly have an intimate relationship, when we are alone she does her thing and I do mine. Every time I bring it up we fight and it has come to a situation where I am tired of the fighting and am wondering if it is still worth it. For me that last thought is the most dangerous one as I feel the moment you stop fighting, you stop caring and that is the end of the relationship.

I do realize the story will be heavily tainted by my perspective and will try to share some of her perspective. I hope some people can share their insights in what I am not seeying and how I can resolve this issue. At the moment I don't know anymore if I love her or if I care for her out of guilt and responsibility. It is a long story as there are a lot of elements which might help you get a better picture and hopefully better pinpoint the problem I am missing or the things I am doing wrong.

Some background

We have met around 12 years ago abroad and she moved to my country after we got married. We got married quite early due to a pregnancy and we now have 2 beautifull bright children of 8 and 10. For her it was a big move (Asia to Europe) and as such she can't see her family regularly. Partially out of guilt and partially because for me my family ties are the most important things in the world I have always arranged to go with her and the children to her home country to visit her family for a month on every occasion. Beside that I like to meet with her parents (although I do not speak the language - tried studying weekend school for 3 years, but I am just a bad study) and I love her country. Do I regret getting married and having kids early, no ... I was almost 28 at the time and felt it was ok. However, I feel guilty towards her as she just finished university and did not have a job yet.

Our most recent fight

What started it is almost irrelevant, but things that got said got me thinking and wondering as it went back into old topics (many also brought up by me) and in some cases deeper into the topics. We started having a fight about me dropping a decision on her without asking her for her opinion, stating it like a fact. This revolved about staying at my parents place 1 night and day longer because I had to be in that city the next day for work. I know she does not want to stay there for extended time (reason see below-my father kissed our kids which was inapproriate) and broached the topic badly. But was not expecting such a bad reaction and overreacted myself when she did not accept my reason.

We could not get to a solution because we had agreed to have a dinnerparty with some friends of my wife. So it was a night of acting like everything was fine and in the evening she went upstairs and to sleep. I decided to give her time as in the past trying to finish the discussion just escalates things. The next morning I went to her and apologized, she did not say anything. As the day progressed she did want to do anything with either me or the kids and I asked her what it is that she wanted. She said I ruined her night and why I apologized only today, after which I stated I broached the topic badly however it takes 2 people to fight. Which started the next round and us now settling in an icy silence between us where we don't talk unless necessary.

Knowing our past fights my wife will be happy to leave the situation as is as it means we will not have intimate relationships and I will not ask anything. The longest run we had in the past was 2 weeks after which I apologized and then she apologizes and we try to find a compromise. This is the normal routine.

The first ever recurring topic for most married couples: sex and intimacy

I feel she does not want to be intimate with me and I don't mean only sex. Sometimes I feel sex is a chore for her which she undergoes and wants to be over with as soon as possible as she does not do anything. It is frustrating to me and I told her several times that we need not to have sex but can do other things together, shower or lock the door and just play together downstairs when the kids are in bed. She maintained that she does, but that it hurts when we have sex. So we tried everything and she had a total physical check-up in which they found a polyp which got removed and found to be benign. For recovery we decided not to have sex for 4 weeks.

Today she told me she still has pain and that the last 2 times we had sex she only did it because I wanted to. I told her that really hurts my feelings as sex should not be a sacrifice for her. We can do more foreplay or other things to stimulate eachother. She accused me of only wanting to have sex not caring about her.

I confessed to her again that I am worried about our relationship and that I am getting the feeling more and more I am living with a friend. Further that I am worried, because we now focus on the children, but what would happen when the children move out in 10 years. Would we then stay together because we are old and afraid of being alone. For me that is not an option as between lovers you can accept small irritations, however with friends those irritations can break you. And I told her I feel we need to focus on us also.

She asked me how I wanted to achieve that. I told her that if the kids can't stay with my parents then they can stay with my sisters family so we can have weekends off. This she did not accept because she once caught my nephew (10 yrs age) watching a sexy youtube music clip with our daughter (5 at the time) about 5 years ago. Since that time our daughter never stays over anymore at my sisters place, which my daughter does not understand why not. I told her they are kids and we need to explain to them that this is inappropriate and they should not stay in the room alone or watch these things. This was unacceptable. So I suggested maybe the kids can stay a night in the weekend with her friends who also have kids and then we could also do the same for them, which would also bring us as friends closer to eachother. She stated that was unacceptable as they don't need us taking care of their kids as they have family to take care of that. Finally I asked her what age would be acceptable for the kids to stay home alone then (I suggested 12 yrs old) of which she said minimum 15.

After this I said I could not live with her for another 5 years like this. The constant fights and our current state would only drive us further aparts resulting in hate of eachother and the children that is keeping us in this situation. To which she replied this is my and my fathers fault and that it would just be that way.

Why my wife does not like to stay with my parents:

My wife does not like my father, she feels his intimacy with our children is inappropriate. She ties this together to an event in her past when she was a child (which she maintains was not bad) and she told me I should tell me father to stop being so intimate with the children. I asked her if something happened and she informed me my father kissed our children on the mouth, which so far they only did with us and I did also find a bit strange. As such I told my father that he should ensure that he is never alone anymore with the children saying his actions were worrying and it makes us uncomfortable especially due to my wife's past. Of course this resulted in a discussion between my father and myself as I was basically accusing him of being a child molester.

We agreed not to bring the topic up broadly as it would create a huge discussion in my family and I fear it would ostricize (correct word?) her from my family. For me my family is my safetynet, knowing that if I for any reason can't support my wife and kids my brother and sisters will take care that they wont have significant problems. We take care of eachother, my brother gave me a job so I could get my wife to Europe and they (brother and sister) lend us 80K for our first house which they still have not asked back as it is better for me taxwise. Understanding her past I agreed that we would not leave our children alone anymore at my parents place.

The blame game

I feel my wife is blaming me for closing her shop. 2 years after she moved here I proposed she should do something to get out of the house and improve her language skills so she would become independent as I saw her mostly staying at home focusing on our daughter. She initially did not want to but I opened a fashion clothes and bags store for her, involved my sister to help manage the store with her and took the finance and management part on myself. This went well for a while, but I noticed after 5 years that my wife did not want to take over my tasks, despite me letting her know I could not do this anymore due to my full time job (got promoted to director operations in 2015). Also when things were bad I opened the shop and when there were good sales it was her doing in purchasing the right inventory. This created some resentment from my side and I informed her that she should take responsibility for my tasks or we would close the shop as I felt we were having too many fights over the direction of the store. In 2017 the market conditions changed, she was having knee problems because it is a standing job and I asked her if she wanted to continue seeying the conditions and our fights and she agreed to close the shop. I asked her today if she feels it was her decision to close the shop, her reply was that it was not totally her choice.

I blame my wife for isolating me. I do not have a lot of close real friends as I have travelled a lot, thats why my family is most important to me. I have 1 very close friend who I studied with and with whom I shared a lot (never sexually). She is several years my senior and although she is good looking I perceive her as a sister. However, my wife does not like me talking or meeting with her (which is difficult anyway as she lives 1000 km away). I reduced the link with her and now we speak maybe 1x every 2 years. Last time we spoke was in September as she was having problems with her boss and needed somebody to talk to. I phoned with her while sitting in the lawn chair in the garden for everybody to see and hear. My wife and I got in an argument because she felt I disregarded her feelings by talking that long and that openly with my female friend for all the neighbours to hear. Since I have not talked to my friend again. Now I feel she is also limiting my bonds with my parents, brother and sisters (father not good, cousin showed daughter inappropriate youtube clips, impolite to visit without informing eachother 2 days in advance). I told her today I can and will not accept that as it is also not good for our children.

Psychological issues

Since the closure of the shop she has been depressed because of inactivity. She told me she feels useless and she is getting frustrated at home and feels strangled (she physically feels tightening around her throat, she got all kinds of scans the last half year to exclude physical issues). I told her I can't initiate things for her as I would then take over the reigns and we would end up the same situation as before. I would however give her free reigns to do everything she wanted and I committed my support to whatever she wanted to do. As a result she does painting, takes language classes in the local language and goed to knitting circles. She suggested some ideas for new ventures and I found 2 of them very good and helped her brainstorm and said I would commit 50K to opening the store, but that she has to make the business plan and think of the design and what her long term vision would be. I took her around to do market research. In the end she did not pursue the idea and I decided not to push. Since she has followed 2 more ideas, which never left the idea stage (invested in doing the initial development, but never finished the initial development). Since before the summer she got to hear about a possibility to work with a friend in an international trading company and she would need to study English. I told her her English grammar is better than mine, but she needs to actively speak English to learn it well and read books. So told her she should look for a good course where she can speak it more, she did not do it and last week after the x-th argument about me not helping her I informed her she should also accept that making mistakes is part of the learning. Yes she will fail, but it will allow her to learn and I do not want to be involved because I feel otherwise her failure would be attributed to me.

Her complaint to me is that she needs a carrot to start herself. To which I replied that her best carrot is the fact that she started and achieved something by herself without any help from anybody else. It is a win that she got .

I told her that she should also see a psychologist for the issue with her throat s the doctor says it might be psychological. To which she responded that she is not crazy and I should not accuse her of being crazy (another fight that started and ended in me apologizing the next day).

I basically do not know how I can help her and not take over to ensure things work out.

Accept her as she is. Today. As in, reframe your understanding until your premise is that she is fine how she is. and that at she will struggle and that is okay. Trust that she will find her way.

That is how you help.

(Also, ADHD?)

Marital counseling would help you work through a lot of these issues, which largely seem to be issues of communication.

The best way to change another's behavior is to change your own. I don't know how you speak to each other, but if it's: You never, we never, why don't you ever, etc., that needs to stop. If I were you, don't expect anything from her at the moment, but you put in all the effort. Without it ending in sex, ask her if she wants her feet or back rubbed while watching t.v. Tell her you will entertain the kids to give her free time to herself. Write her a note saying why you appreciate her. Text her while you're at work and tell her you miss her. Bring home her favorite dessert or flowers.

If she's sees you putting in effort, maybe she will reciprocate. If an emotional connection is reestablished, you can address improvements that could be made, such as rules not to rehash past issues. And if you approach subjects with "I feel" versus or "I'd like" instead of "you never," you should get better results. Such as when you two are doing your own things and you want closeness, you could say: "I think it'd be fun for us to cook together tonight. Are you craving anything special?" Who could say no to that positive request?

Hopefully her excuses about avoiding intimacy will go away when your relationship improves. Children aged 8 and 10 don't have to be in one's sight at every moment like a toddler. I know that in my first marriage when my kids were this age, on an occasional Saturday morning we'd say: Mom and Dad need some alone time. Go watch TV and you're only allowed to knock on the door if there is an emergency. If the parents aren't happy, the kids aren't happy. If you can't fix things on your own (read some books on communication to supplement the activities I mentioned), then try counseling. Good luck.

Eew. 😱👎🤢😡👇

My wife does not like my father, she feels his intimacy with our children is inappropriate. she told me I should tell me father to stop being so intimate with the children. I asked her if something happened and she informed me my father kissed our children on the mouth