Break-up: What's fair?

Been together with a woman for 8 years. We have a daughter, 3 years old. We are not married, simply boyfriend & girlfriend. We are both living in a country which is not our homeland.

It happens that apparently she found love somewhere else. So we decided to break up. So far so good, we're adults, we can handle it.

Problem is, she has no job, can't speak the language of the country where we live. Meaning we all still live in the same house. Until she figures out what to do with her life and get things moving for her.

That's all fine, but now there's the money issue. Since we are together, I've been paying for everything - house, utilities, healthcare, food, etc. you name it. I always tried to convince her to get a job, get her own money and independence, she never really did it.

While we were in a relationship, I decided that even if she didn't have a job, the money would always be "our money". I don't think like that anymore. I think it's my money and if she needs something, she has to consult me. She doesn't like this arrangement, and thinks she should have as much decision power over the money I make because she takes care of the kid when I am working. I don't see it that way, since I already pay for all her expenses, and since we're not in a relationship anymore, I believe I am entitled to have the final decision on where the money is going to be spent.

What do you think about this situation? Am I being a bad person by putting things in these terms or do you think she is indeed entitled to have the same decision power over the money as myself?

I think that you need to be certain that your daughter has sufficient support, and that is it. Your gf is not entitled to your money, nor can she decide where it goes.

Why isn't her new bf helping her out? Is she going to get a job? I think it is unbelievable that she has not learned any of the local language.

Is she planning to move the boyfriend in too?

I would pay her the going rate for child care and that's it.

It would also be best to see an attorney to set child support and get recommendations for living arrangements.

Why did you both move there? Do you speak the language and get a job there? Is she having an affair? Do you want her to move out or is this punishment for her cheating? Not sure how you are going to do this living as a family unit with a child involved. Are you going to label the milk with his and hers? Check with the laws in whatever country you reside and where you are citizens.

See if what you plan on doing to her and your child is legal and what kind of rights she has. Can she leave the country with your child and go back to wherever you/her came from? That may be her only option if you refuse to pay for food, healthcare, essentials, etc. Talk to a lawyer and do your homework no matter how understandably angry you are about her affair.

We are both living in a country which is not our homeland. It happens that apparently she found love somewhere else. she has no job, can't speak the language of the country where we live. Meaning we all still live in the same house.

I think it is your money and get legal advice concerning child visitation and what you need to give in child support. She is going to have to get a job even with child support so perhaps start looking at daycares or sitters together so you can have input on what is appropriate.

Thanks everyone for your answers. I'll give some more details about our situation, I think I was a bit too vague in my initial post. Really appreciate your advice. Sometimes we don't know if what we're thinking is the right thing or just selfishness, therefore 3rd party perspectives are very welcomed.

I think that you need to be certain that your daughter has sufficient support, and that is it. Your gf is not entitled to your money, nor can she decide where it goes.

 

Why isn't her new bf helping her out? Is she going to get a job? I think it is unbelievable that she has not learned any of the local language.

Yes, my salary is more than enough to support myself and my kid (including kindergarten, etc.). It's even enough to support the 3 of us, but barely... She does not exactly have a new bf. She got involved with a guy when she was having a vacation in her homeland, when she returned she told me about it and we decided to end the relationship, since she clearly told me she didn't love me anymore. She will not start a new relationship if that implies separating our kid from one of her parents. She intends to get a job, but I don't see her doing the right things to get there. I agree with the language thing, we've been here for 5 years! I am also not fully fluent in the local language, but it's enough for all I need. Also, here you can go along well with just English. But she also doesn't speak English...

Is she planning to move the boyfriend in too?

 

I would pay her the going rate for child care and that's it.

 

It would also be best to see an attorney to set child support and get recommendations for living arrangements.

No, she's not, the guy is in her homeland and she wants to stay together with her kid. I really don't want to go down the legal way for now, I want things to be friendly, but with my limits very clear and well established and understood.

Why did you both move there? Do you speak the language and get a job there? Is she having an affair? Do you want her to move out or is this punishment for her cheating? Not sure how you are going to do this living as a family unit with a child involved. Are you going to label the milk with his and hers? Check with the laws in whatever country you reside and where you are citizens.

 

See if what you plan on doing to her and your child is legal and what kind of rights she has. Can she leave the country with your child and go back to wherever you/her came from? That may be her only option if you refuse to pay for food, healthcare, essentials, etc. Talk to a lawyer and do your homework no matter how understandably angry you are about her affair.

I moved because I wanted to find a better economical situation, invited her to come so we could continue our relationship and she found it was a good idea. This was 5 years ago. Yes, I learned the local language to an intermediate level, and like I mentioned you can also get along well with English in here. I found a job in a call center (not a nice one but paid the bills) a couple weeks after I came to the new country, was there for 3 years. Then my ex got pregnant and I got really serious in finding a new (better paid) job. I did that, I am working now in an international company where I get a good pay, a no-term contract, and promotions and raises every year.

She is not really having an affair, she was with a guy a couple times when she was in vacation in her homeland - but what made the relationship end was the fact that she doesns't love me anymore. I could forgive the affair, not the lack of feeling towards me. I want her to move out now so I can have my own life (I want to find someone else, maybe have more kids...) but I won't make her leave. I have no intentions of punishing her. But I do want her to stop living off of my salary and get her own life. Ideal situation for me would be that she finds a job, moves out, but stays close by so the kid can be with both of us.

In this country, if she wants to go somewhere else and take the kid, she needs my authorization - and she won't get it, since I WILL NOT separate from my daughter. She has, however, my support to find a job and start a new life nearby.

I will never refuse to pay for her food, shelter, healthcare and all basic needs. She's the mother of my daughter and no matter how hurt I am, I won't allow that she lives in the street. What I don't want is to simply share 50% of my money with her, like she wants. I am willing to pay for her food, not her vacations or dinner out with friends. And I won't give her the same decision power over money as I have. Basically she thinks it's "our money" and I don't agree - we're not in a relationship anymore, so it's MY money.

I think it is your money and get legal advice concerning child visitation and what you need to give in child support. She is going to have to get a job even with child support so perhaps start looking at daycares or sitters together so you can have input on what is appropriate.

I am not even concerned about that, if she gets a job and moves out, we'll take care of the child 50%-50% and I don't even mind paying myself 100% of the stuff related to our child. I just don't want to pay for her stuff.

And a few more things to clarify the situation and our disagreement:

- She claims she is entitled to the money (or have the same rights as me over the money I make) because she takes care of the kid when I am working and cleans the house, etc. That is indeed true, but when I am not working, I am also either taking care of my kid or doing house stuff. So it's not like this is the 50's and she is the housewife. I also contribute a lot to the house stuff and raising the kid (as it should be). So, I consider that the fact she takes care of the kid when I am working grants her the right to not pay rent, utilities, food, etc. But that's it!

- The kid goes to the kindergarten 2 days a week, from 9AM to 5PM. I am also fully paying for that.

- She also claims that if she finds a nice job in another city that's far away, I have the moral obligation to consider moving myself and the kid to wherever she's going, since according to her I can find a job anywhere easily and we should be looking into the well-being of the 3 of us. Even though I am open to consider moving myself to somewhere else in that situation, I don't think I have to. I have my job that I love, live in a place that I like, I don't see why me and the kid have to move somewhere if she finds a good opportunity there.

Then set a budget. An allowance, so to speak. X amount for food, for gas (if she drives), for reasonable daily expenses.

If she balks at being put on an allowance, tell her she is free to get a job so she can have 100% say so on how that money is spent.

What's her plan? Moving out? Moving back to her country? Living with you as roommates/co-parents?

She got involved with a guy when she was having a vacation in her homeland, when she returned she told me about it and we decided to end the relationship, since she clearly told me she didn't love me anymore.

I will never refuse to pay for her food, shelter, healthcare and all basic needs. She's the mother of my daughter and no matter how hurt I am, I won't allow that she lives in the street. What I don't want is to simply share 50% of my money with her, like she wants.