Long Distance to Short Distance to Not Working Out

Hello not-a-loners!

Here's my situation, could use some advice, as I think I've become a bit emotional and it's clouding my judgement.

Over the summer I met up with a good friend, female, from college that I haven't seen in 6 years. She's from way out of town and I saw her on Bumble. I shot her a text about meeting up before she goes back to Alaska and we went out for a drink. We had a lot of fun on the 'date'. A couple of days goes by and she texts me that she had a lot of fun and she was interested in getting to know me better as she is planning on moving back at some point in the next year or sooner.. I told her I had fun too. She told me that I should come visit her, however with flight prices and work, it was hard for me to come up there anytime soon. After a month or so texting every night, she told me that she plans on moving back in the fall (this fall) and that she would like me to come up and help her move home, which included moving her out of Alaska and driving with her across most of Canada and to Minnesota. I agreed, helped planned the route, organize hotels, and all that jazz. During the interim we were texting all day everyday and talking on the phone 4 nights a week.

Fast forward to me up in Alaska.

She introduces me to friends and family. We get a hotel room that night where things get sexual, and then after a couple of days we begin our road trip home. Things go pretty smoothly for a majority of the trip, but she became very quite and distant the last two days of the trip. We stopped having sex, she is short with me, and quite overall. I didn't say anything offensive, but I had a couple very brief moments of frustration during the drive, getting lost and such. Nothing crazy.

Fast forward to us back home.

The first week the texting is limited. She mentions in a text "sorry if I was a bit off, this was just a lot to process with the move and all

very fair statement and I would be too. I ask her out on a date, and they day of the date I text her "Miss you!" she doesn't respond. We meet up for the drink. The date was really fun, she was back to herself, and then we get back to my place. She then drops the "we need to talk" phrase and my heart sank a bit. I had a hunch given the lack of texting and her being disconnected during the last couple of days during the trip. She says that she values me as a friend, doesn't want to lead me on, something doesn't feel right, and I think it is because we really didn't get a chance to date". She is tearing up during this. I told her that I like her, but definitely felt that vibe, and let's hang out a couple times to see if we jive. She agrees and leaves, I go in for a peck on the cheek and she dodges it. Probably not the best timing lol

Feeling kind of uneasy about all of this. I reactivated my Bumble account. And... her profiles was one of the first ones that came up, updated with photos from the trip, "I just moved home", and verified. With that, I took it as a break-up, and went into no contact mode. A week went by and she asks me how my weekend was and yada yada small talk. Then she asks me out for drinks, I agree and we got out and have a good time. I went in for a hug and she kind of froze up. It was like hugging a street light. At this point, I'm pretty sure that things are DOA. During the next week and a half I try to drum up some conversation over text but she gives me short, one word replies hours later. After a week or so, our friend hosts a welcome back party for her. I show up a bit late and she seems a bit upset by that. The next day was my birthday and she sends me a text "happy birthday". That's all. I was a little bummed that if we were dating she wouldn't of said something more or tried to buy me a drink. Maybe that is a bit of an ego thing for me, or it's revenge on her part for me being tardy. Anyways... a week or so later she asks me out, we hang out, we have a good time, not great, she wraps up the date early saying she is tired. I say before another awkward hug, we should do it again sometime, she goes "I'll see if our mutual friends want to go out or something" and then we go our separate ways. And now we are on several days of hardly speaking, some small back and forth. And while this is happening, i've been doing the online dating thing a bit and have been pleasantly surprised on what I've been attracting.

So. I need a gut check. I'm very cautious about all of this given her "we need to talk" convo, and her being on dating apps the next day. She isn't doing anything wrong technically by being on dating site since we aren't exclusive. But In the past, anytime I've been dating someone and I see them on dating sites, it hasn't worked out. It's hard for me to go from being intimate to back to dating and keeping our options open. I know in some situations it's healthy, but it doesn't work for me in this case. Something is bugging me about her wanting to keep her options open. The only reason I went on a dating site too is that I felt that it was a break up. The flame has kind of died on my end too it feels. I also feel that I invested a lot in this "relationship" by spending close to a grand to fly up to her and using a week of PTO for a long road trip. And the last thing I will say is that I'm pretty fresh out (8 months) of a toxic long term relationship with a very controlling partner, so I may have some PTSD from that.

What I would like your thoughts on is... am I being to quick to write her off?... Is it me being cold?... does she seem not interested?

It sounds like she just needed someone to help her make the move from Alaska. At least she had sex with you a couple of times in exchange. I would say she friend-zoned you, but she's not even acting like a friend. I mean, not even kiss you after you helped move her from Alaska? Sheesh.

You haven't posted anything about her background, history of relationships, whether she has psychological issues, and so forth. I guess you don't really know her very well. But she has something going on with her.

I hate to say it, but this seems like another situation where it's not really your fault. You wrote about having a bipolar girlfriend in the past. Could this one be bipolar or have a personality disorder too? Sort of like the girl on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, what she does doesn't make sense. Could you be attracted to girls who behave a certain way?

She certainly didn't waste any time updating her Bumble account. I think you should try to move on. Now, she might make several attempts to contact you. But I wouldn't advise you to contact her. If you can hang out with her without being emotional, fine, but the standard advice would be to go total No Contact and move on with your life.

Could this one be bipolar or have a personality disorder too

You have to stop saying sh1t like this ..... It is insulting to say the least ... it labels people who shouldn't be labelled , this forum is full of young people who adopt what is said on here with no knowledge of these conditions , they are serious and can take years to diagnose properly ...but on here it takes one post and suddenly bi polar and BPD are brought up with no reason .

I am taking a stand for mental health because I am mentally ill and I am sick to my back teeth of seeing crap like this on this forum ....

OP - it sounds as though she's 'friendzoned' you, and isn't interested in taking a relationship further. Don't waste any more time on her. She clearly doesn't consider that you and she are dating, and neither should you. You were handy and convenient when she wanted help with her house move, and that's about it.

Get back to your online dating, and don't give her another thought.

P.S. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the original post to suggest she's bipolar.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the original post to suggest she's bipolar.

or have a personality disorder ....these things are complex and take years to get right ...not one post on a forum .

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like she used you as a moving van lines. Probably a lot cheaper for her. Block and delete her. She's a user.

It sounds like she just needed someone to help her make the move from Alaska. I would say she friend-zoned you, but she's not even acting like a friend.

You have to stop saying sh1t like this ..... It is insulting to say the least ... it labels people who shouldn't be labelled , this forum is full of young people who adopt what is said on here with no knowledge of these conditions , they are serious and can take years to diagnose properly ...but on here it takes one post and suddenly bi polar and BPD are brought up with no reason .

 

I am taking a stand for mental health because I am mentally ill and I am sick to my back teeth of seeing crap like this on this forum ....

Agree, it's such nonsense and is just a way to abdicate responsibility and blame everything that happened on the other person.

OP, she isn't mentally ill, she seems like she is most likely mentally preparing herself to end things with you.... have you actually brought any of your feelings or the things you have seen up with her?

I agree - There is nothing about her that screams mentally ill, nor would I assume it.

I mean, during the 'break up' conversation initiated by her earlier, I did tell her that I had feeling for her, so she did know I was interested. But in regards to the silence and online dating profile thing, I haven't aired those feelings out with her yet. Bringing that up is the mature thing to do. In fact, oddly enough, the last 2 days she has been texting me very frequently, and just now asked If I wanted to grab a drink. I will take her up on that, and bring that up.

The interesting part is that I've started to feel over her, and the flame has pretty much died out for me. I had a great first date the other night with beautiful girl which has further perpetuated that feeling of "I'm done with her".

Guess I'll just take the drink offer and go with the flow, and talk about how things ended with the trip, her being on online dating less than a week afterward, and the silence from her, which has just picked up strangely enough. Any thoughts on some talking points would be appreciate, but not entirely necessary.

As always, I appreciate the advice.

Is she going to reimburse you for all the expenses you laid out in her move? Try to focus on that during your drink, not resuscitating a dead horse regarding her ghosting, the dating app thing, etc..Her response to asking about recovering your outlay for moving her will tell you all you need to know.

Guess I'll just take the drink offer and go with the flow, and talk about how things ended with the trip.