Inner turmoil

My ex of over two years with whom I had a messy break up with reached out to me. He had tried a few times over the years but I thought it better to not engage in contact with him so I could move on but never did. I thought about him every day even when dating other guys and I know he has had gfs in that time too. However recently I realised how I haven't met anyone that made me feel like he did and doubt I ever will and then a few days later he contacted me saying he would like to reconnect if I'm up for it and has thought of me daily since we broke up and if not all good. I said I think we should leave the past in the past now I feel sad as I wanted him to contact me sooooo badly then when he did I got scared, not sure I could go through that pain again. I'm not sure what to do, I feel like like I'm stagnating in my life and not sure why I always still think of him so many years later,I guess when I was with him I felt like the happiest person in the world and it's been hard to find somekne to make me feel like that again. I don't know what to do. Everyone says leave it and don't go back there but I don't want to have the burden of regret hanging over me at the same time?

Can you give a little context to the breakup? Why was it messy? And how long ago was all this?

About 2.5 years ago. Messy because he didn't trust me..

So my advice is probably going to go against the grain, and of course only you know your feelings and what the relationship was like. Was it up and down, fraught, toxic? Or was it a matter of bad timing? Do you know where his trust issues came from? Feel free to expand, or not.

Long story short: Why not meet up? You're thinking about him, he's thinking about you—that's not nothing, right? And at this point what, really, is there to lose? Neither of you have been sitting in a sad little cave for 2.5 years. You've been out there, dated, presumably have grown, changed, as maybe he has too. And yet you remain on each other's minds in what sounds like more than a cursory way.

Connections are rare, sometimes rarer than we know, sometimes rare in ways we're not ready for, don't know how to cherish. To me, they deserve some exploration. Is there the potential for pain, confusion? Of course. But even if it goes down that road, I'd imagine you'd be quick to remove yourself and would have an easier time moving forward without these lingering thoughts.

No regrets, you know?

Well, I think if you want good advice, you have to give us a little more information. For example, did he not trust you because he was jealous of anyone you spoke to or you were sleeping around with other guys? I mean, if the underlying cause of the break up was his jealousy coming from emotional abuse, then you would be going right back into the same situation by going back to him. If you were sleeping around on him, then is he really going to trust you not to do it again?

It's one of the reasons the easy answer is not to go back into that dynamic again. Just move on. Somebody was responsible for the breakup. Quite often history repeats itself. You may not want to repeat the same mistakes twice.

So my advice is probably going to go against the grain, and of course only you know your feelings and what the relationship was like. Was it up and down, fraught, toxic? Or was it a matter of bad timing? Do you know where his trust issues came from? Feel free to expand, or not.

 

Long story short: Why not meet up? You're thinking about him, he's thinking about you—that's not nothing, right? And at this point what, really, is there to lose? Neither of you have been sitting in a sad little cave for 2.5 years. You've been out there, dated, presumably have grown, changed, as maybe he has too. And yet you remain on each other's minds in what sounds like more than a cursory way.

 

Connections are rare, sometimes rarer than we know, sometimes rare in ways we're not ready for, don't know how to cherish. To me, they deserve some exploration. Is there the potential for pain, confusion? Of course. But even if it goes down that road, I'd imagine you'd be quick to remove yourself and would have an easier time moving forward without these lingering thoughts.

 

No regrets, you know?

Thanks for your advice, that is along the lines what I think as well.

The relationship wasn't up and down it was mainly a lot of fun and laughter, it was just when a jealous ex of mine got involved and spread some false rumours caused all the trust issues.

He wanted to speak on the phone I guess maybe that would be the best next step to gauge how he seems without the huge step of meeting face to face. I do find it hard to fathom he still thinks of me. I don't know I think I will wait and see if he contacts me again and go from there...?

Can I ask how old you guys are?

Also, honestly, why keep waiting? He’s reached out a bunch. You weren’t ready, kept distance. And, hey, maybe you’re not ready now. Which is fine. But you really don’t want to have some notion hanging over your head that he’ll reach out again—that’s like a form of falE distance that can border on playing a game that will just prevent you from being present.

It’s worth asking, of course, if you’re kind of enjoying this purgatory more than the possibility of exiting it.

This sounds very similar to my situation. We broke up because of his trust issues a little over 2 years ago. One night the name of someone I used to see popped up on my phone and instead of addressing it, he just started pulling away from me, acting rude towards me, starting fights and eventually broke up with me.

That was in Sep. 2016. Fast forward to May 2018, I know he's been with a few girls since then. He reaches out to me on Snapchat to wish me a Happy Birthday, see how I'm doing, and asked if it wasn't too much to grab drinks or a bite to eat with me. We didn't meet up until late August and began seeing each other (talking everyday, having sex) for at least 2 months. I thought we were dating because he agreed to date me, but he never actually took me out on dates. I finally had the "what are we" conversation with him last week and after saying "you can call us whatever you want", he told me the next day:

"Honestly, I'm not ready for a relationship. The last one I was in ended pretty badly and I realized I had a lot I needed to work on: mainly jealousy and insecurity. I can't deny I like you and I think you're a beautiful person inside and out. But I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in a relationship. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I get it."

I thought I was his last relationship, but apparently he was with another girl who has a son not too long after breaking up with me.

My advice to you is to really get him to answer why he reached out to you all the sudden. When I asked my ex, all he said was "because I felt like it". Ask him if he has seen/slept with/been in relationship with anyone since you. Ask if he really intends to try to make it work, or if he's just seeing if he made a bad choice in leaving you. I should've protected my heart more instead of being so forgiving and understanding.

Can I ask how old you guys are?

 

Also, honestly, why keep waiting? He’s reached out a bunch. You weren’t ready, kept distance. And, hey, maybe you’re not ready now. Which is fine. But you really don’t want to have some notion hanging over your head that he’ll reach out again—that’s like a form of falE distance that can border on playing a game that will just prevent you from being present.

 

It’s worth asking, of course, if you’re kind of enjoying this purgatory more than the possibility of exiting it.

Hmm interesting question.. that made me think, I'm not enjoying it however the though of meeting up and it not working out will quash any fantasies in my head, but the benefit in that would be moving on with my life fully I guess and no "what ifs" which is no way to live. I'm 32 and he's 35, but I guess maturity wise i know we probably seem like teenagers.

This sounds very similar to my situation. We broke up because of his trust issues a little over 2 years ago. One night the name of someone I used to see popped up on my phone and instead of addressing it, he just started pulling away from me, acting rude towards me, starting fights and eventually broke up with me.

 

That was in Sep. 2016. Fast forward to May 2018, I know he's been with a few girls since then. He reaches out to me on Snapchat to wish me a Happy Birthday, see how I'm doing, and asked if it wasn't too much to grab drinks or a bite to eat with me. We didn't meet up until late August and began seeing each other (talking everyday, having sex) for at least 2 months. I thought we were dating because he agreed to date me, but he never actually took me out on dates. I finally had the "what are we" conversation with him last week and after saying "you can call us whatever you want", he told me the next day:

 

"Honestly, I'm not ready for a relationship. The last one I was in ended pretty badly and I realized I had a lot I needed to work on: mainly jealousy and insecurity. I can't deny I like you and I think you're a beautiful person inside and out. But I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in a relationship. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I get it."

 

I thought I was his last relationship, but apparently he was with another girl who has a son not too long after breaking up with me.

 

My advice to you is to really get him to answer why he reached out to you all the sudden. When I asked my ex, all he said was "because I felt like it". Ask him if he has seen/slept with/been in relationship with anyone since you. Ask if he really intends to try to make it work, or if he's just seeing if he made a bad choice in leaving you. I should've protected my heart more instead of being so forgiving and understanding.

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you, but I'm glad you wrote in because it gives me something to think about. I wouldn't do very well if that happened to me, especially after all this time. He did state in his messages he wanted to see me in any way he could, and that friendship was a great starting point if that is all I was up for. Obviously i don't know what I'd want either if I did see him again, for his age (35) he doesn't have much going for him, I would like to meet someone that is ambitious and he isn't, I don't know it's so hard...

Nah, not like teenagers at all. Rest assured, we’re all just amateurs flailing around when it comes to this stuff.

Fantasies are fun, but limited. In the case of a lingering ex, they’re better quashed and/or examined than hovering about. That’s just me. I’ve reengaged with plenty of exes, have lots of stories, some light, some dark. But I’m glad to have the actual information rather than the stories lingering.

Your hesitation may be because somewhere you know this guy, fun as it was, isn’t your guy. Or you could just be scared, which makes sense. Old people, new people: this is scary stuff. But I’m a big believer that reality is better than fantasy, even when it stings.

Just gonna day: I disagree with the above post, respectfully. You can’t relitigate the past. You give exploration a go, accepting that it might not go as planned. No different than a new person.

Nah, not like teenagers at all. Rest assured, we’re all just amateurs flailing around when it comes to this stuff.

 

Fantasies are fun, but limited. In the case of a lingering ex, they’re better quashed and/or examined than hovering about. That’s just me. I’ve reengaged with plenty of exes, have lots of stories, some light, some dark. But I’m glad to have the actual information rather than the stories lingering.

 

Your hesitation may be because somewhere you know this guy, fun as it was, isn’t your guy. Or you could just be scared, which makes sense. Old people, new people: this is scary stuff. But I’m a big believer that reality is better than fantasy, even when it stings.

 

Just gonna day: I disagree with the above post, respectfully. You can’t relitigate the past. You give exploration a go, accepting that it might not go as planned. No different than a new person.

Yes your right, fantasy are limited. Time to sort this thing out one way or another, 2.5 years of emotional energy spent on it think it deserves to be looked into, don't want to be posting the same thing on here in another few years! Time to nip it in the bud once and for all. And if it stings I'll get over it, better then being stuck in limbo which in the long run is a lot more painful.

If it stings, it'll be a different sting. A closure sting. Information sting.

But, honestly? Try to put those thoughts at bay. Say hi. Have a chat. See who he is, who you are, how you feel talking to him. Maybe a friendship is possible, maybe something more, maybe not much. ALL are fine outcomes, you know?

For what it's worth, I have one ex with whom I've got a complicated relationship with. We broke up a decade ago, have gone years without speaking, years as tepid friends, etc. Somehow we do seem to connect during trying times—work stuff, breakups, whatever. Earlier this year we crossed some lines—wasn't easy, and ultimately wasn't the right timing. We both got a little stung.

But no regrets. It happens. Heck, it might happen again. And, at least in our case, there's this underlying understanding that we'll always be in each other's lives, at least cosmically, and neither of us quite know what form that's meant to take yet. That's just our truth. There's respect. There's muddiness, too, without question, but we're not prisoners to it. We're never in that limbo stage long, and we've both lived big, full lives separate from the other. Not a fantasy, in other words—and no fairytale—but reality, in the end, is where it's at.

If it stings, it'll be a different sting. A closure sting. Information sting.

 

But, honestly? Try to put those thoughts at bay. Say hi. Have a chat. See who he is, who you are, how you feel talking to him. Maybe a friendship is possible, maybe something more, maybe not much. ALL are fine outcomes, you know?

 

For what it's worth, I have one ex with whom I've got a complicated relationship with. We broke up a decade ago, have gone years without speaking, years as tepid friends, etc. Somehow we do seem to connect during trying times—work stuff, breakups, whatever. Earlier this year we crossed some lines—wasn't easy, and ultimately wasn't the right timing. We both got a little stung.

 

But no regrets. It happens. Heck, it might happen again. And, at least in our case, there's this underlying understanding that we'll always be in each other's lives, at least cosmically, and neither of us quite know what form that's meant to take yet. That's just our truth. There's respect. There's muddiness, too, without question, but we're not prisoners to it. We're never in that limbo stage long, and we've both lived big, full lives separate from the other. Not a fantasy, in other words—and no fairytale—but reality, in the end, is where it's at.

Thanks for your sound advice. It's nice to hear someone say "have a go, what have you got to lose" for a change. Often in these boards and real life people say under no circumstances go back but I think it's easy to say when you are not in the position. And I would much rather see what happens then always wonder... nothing worse then regret. I guess as you said your experience was a little bit muddy but life is all about living and different experiences, be good or bad, I think it makes you a richer person. I feel like now I know ill at least give it a shot and see what happens having no great expectations but st least the chance for a little more understanding and possibly closure if all :)

You actually have a great deal to lose by engaging this again. Your dignity, your self respect, your chance to meet "ambitious" men, your chance to date men who don't catch and release constantly and the chance to be healthy in a relationship rather than get sucked into games again.

Why be a puppet on a string whenever someone dumps him or he has a dry spell? Which ex is this? The one your family hates?

My ex contacted me about a month ago apologising for his behaviour and kind of asking to start afresh. my family would be furious if they know I spoke to him... I miss him so much and when he contacted me It was like a miracle

 

Long story short: Why not meet up?

I agree with this.

What have you got to lose?

Maybe he has worked on himself and improved?

Have you?

If the answers to those are both 'yes', look at this as a potential new relationship that just happens to have the two of you in it.

Thanks for your advice, that is along the lines what I think as well.

 

The relationship wasn't up and down it was mainly a lot of fun and laughter, it was just when a jealous ex of mine got involved and spread some false rumours caused all the trust issues.

 

He wanted to speak on the phone I guess maybe that would be the best next step to gauge how he seems without the huge step of meeting face to face. I do find it hard to fathom he still thinks of me. I don't know I think I will wait and see if he contacts me again and go from there...?

Don't do the phone thing - either he takes you on a date or not. If he ducks it, forget about him.

Thanks for your sound advice. It's nice to hear someone say "have a go, what have you got to lose" for a change. Often in these boards and real life people say under no circumstances go back but I think it's easy to say when you are not in the position. And I would much rather see what happens then always wonder... nothing worse then regret. I guess as you said your experience was a little bit muddy but life is all about living and different experiences, be good or bad, I think it makes you a richer person. I feel like now I know ill at least give it a shot and see what happens having no great expectations but st least the chance for a little more understanding and possibly closure if all :)

Exactly. And baby steps. Just remember that "giving it a shot," at the moment, is not getting back into a new relationship with him. It's having coffee, going for a walk, chatting. It's seeing how that makes you feel (calm? anxious? excited? bored? weary?) and then taking another step based on those feelings. When you look at it that way, it's not quite as epic, not as risky.

My experience was both beautiful and tragic, not unlike a lot of life. I could give you a full breakdown, but ultimately it came down to timing—wasn't quite right, given our complicated history and mutually complex personalities. But ultimately I think it did bring us closer, and certainly emotionally richer as individuals.

I'm not a super woo-woo person, but I hang with plenty—in yoga, in surf communities. I was talking to a yoga/surfer friend about this back when it was happening, and she said something like, "Whatever happens, it sounds like you both need to clear this karmic loop." I liked that idea—that there was some kind of corrosion that time alone hadn't quite cleared. And ultimately I think that's what that chapter was for us, a kind of clearing.

Did it mess with my emotional bandwidth a bit? Sure. Did it maybe get in the way of other romance? Probably. Still, I think that would have been the case regardless, maybe even more, had it just been something I was nursing in my imagination. So it didn't feel like a step a backward, but a needed chapter to get to the next one, with clearer eyes and an even more open heart.