Was I the one in the wrong?

Hello everyone, I don't have anyone to talk about this. I think there is something wrong with my relationship. I only dated one person so I don't have a lot of experience, but we've been dating for 9 years and started living together 4 years ago. The thing is everything is good until I speak about something that he does that bother me. I think that these are normal things to ask for, but he tells me I'm crazy and not normal for expecting that. We used to heach go out at night each with our own friends but now all my friends have families and is very hard for me to go out at nigth, we just do dinner. So, he started going out with his friends alone and I stay at home. This only happens one everyone or two months, he leaves at 9 pm so I have to eat dinner alone and he comes back between 8 and 9 am, I told him that this bothers me. I Asked if he could at least be back between 5 am or 6 am, he tells me I can't tell him at which our he has to come back that looking at the watch and think at which hour he has to be back ruins his night.

Of course the discussion escalates because I feel the thing I am asking for is normal. I never call him names or talk bad about him, I made the effort of only talk about the situation. Somehow it always end with him screaming trowing things and hitting himself (He never hit me or threatened to do so, I once got hit for trying to stop him from hurting himself so now I just don't get in the middle of it) He even told me one day he is going to kill himself because of all of the restrictions I put on him. Keep in mind that I only asked if he could get back at 6 am because I have trouble sleeping and that if he only goes out once a month is because he wants to.

After that he started coming back at 6. But when we started dating we agreed we wouldn't go out to dance clubs alone. Of course that this was years ago and we ended up doing it sometimes but being upfront about it. When I did it he told me he could not enjoy his night because I dress up and I'm to beautiful, even worked as a model once, so he would stress thinking guys would try to pick me up, so I avoided going so he didn't get upset.

The other day he comes back at 6 am and tell me he went to a dance club that has an open bar, pay entry and drink all you want, and has women dressed as . I did snap at him, somehow I felt hurt about him going to that kind of place. And he tells me he had a good time and that he would go again. Later that day I try to tell him if he just could avoid going to that kind of club and just go to regluar clubs and bars and it ended up in one of his violent episodes of him hitting himself. Which he says I cause by asking unreasonable things. I always end up feeling guilty about making him hurt himself and somehow I am the bad one when I feel he did something that hurts me. The things I ask of him are that unreasonable? I am being crazy? I know all his friends cheated on their girlfriend, but he tells me he would never cheat on me.

He is nice to me as long I don't bring up anything that bothers me, and I 've been ignoring a lot of things that I don't mind that much about but the two I mentioned before couldn't keep quiet about. I find it very hard to cope with his episodes because last year I suffered from ptsd from some very bad health issues and I'm getting better, but his violent episodes trigger me and I feel very sick after. I kind of understand him because he comes from a violent family and I know I have my issues I'm very antisocial and a workaholic. What I asked for was that unreasonlable? In the end I told him he could go back to that club if he wants and asked sorry for making him that upset. But somehow I feel wrong about how things ended up.

Sorry for the super long post and thanks to anyone who reads it :)

This is unacceptable. He should not be returning the next morning! Are you kidding me! he should be returning home around 1 AM. Where are your boundaries?

Get rid of this guy. He is emotionally abusive. He is using a typical manipulation technique by putting the blame on you. What he is doing is wrong!

OP, He is cheating on you! I hope that you use condoms? I would also get tested for STDs

Get away from this guy. You are in a very unhealthy relationship!

His family history is not an excuse to behave this way. Do not excuse the behavior. He has some big problems. I hope you do not have a child with this guy?

"In the end I told him he could go back to that club if he wants and asked sorry for making him that upset." You should not have done this.

You are scared of this guy, and how he will react. This is not normal. This is not how a relationship should be. Ever!

Please research abusive relationships.

http://www.breakthecycle.org/warning-signs?gclid=Cj0KCQjwof3cBRD9ARIsAP8x70N9DPglyq3dilqSm0Vc2fJjo-_e7EJDh5GREepWa8y2fNZ3XLlXUT8aAnveEALw_wcB

https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

This is an abusive relationship, OP. No, you are not over-reacting. This is emotional abuse, and he's got you exactly where he wants you - under his thumb, too frightened to stand up for yourself. Too frightened to leave.

Going out all hours of the night until 8 or 9 am is not what people in relationships generally do. he is going to be hard-pressed to find a girlfriend who would be fine with that. My guess is that he is having all kinds of debauchery-filled nights, with heaven-knows-who doing heaven-knows-what. I would not for a moment believe he is faithful to you.

Hitting himself is disturbing as hell, and you should see that as a terrifying warning sign of his much deeper problems. You do not make him do this. He makes a choice to do it to himself. His family background is no excuse. My partner comes from a violent home as well, and has always treated me with the utmost respect, kindness and love. This guy is not emotionally stable and you need to leave before he turns it on you.

Find a way to get out, as soon as possible. This is not what a healthy, loving and sustainable relationship looks like and you should not waste one more day on it. Do you have family around you can lean on?

Unfortunately you are in an abusive relationship. And he is out cheating, drinking/doing drugs and treating you like a punching bag. Stop negotiating or arguing.

Get help from friends and family and when he's gone one night, just move out and delete and block him.

we've been dating for 9 years and started living together 4 years ago.

he started going out with his friends alone and I stay at home. This only happens one everyone or two months, he leaves at 9 pm so I have to eat dinner alone and he comes back between 8 and 9 am. it always end with him screaming trowing things and hitting himself I once got hit for trying to stop him from hurting himself

Moon,

Are you going to respond?

Thanks for the advice, I think the gaslight article is spot on. I do not have a child.

This guy is unstable, abusive, cheating and a liar. I agree Miss Canuck about the hitting thing: he sounds mentally unfit.

Please leave this man. Go to family or friends. Now.

Thanks everyone for the advice, it's has been a while since I felt something was off. Now that I know is an abusive relationship I will mentally prepare to leave, but I can't end a 9 year relationship so quickly, he is like family to me. Also he threatens to kill himself if I leave him. I can't move out of my own house. I'm completely sure he is not doing drugs and he doesn't drink that much either. Normal club hours are from 1 am to 6 am, but he could leave earlier if he wanted. I can't be 100 % sure he never cheated, but he swears on it, keep in mind he is not a regular guy (doesn't have the same interests he is more of a nerd) But I do have a big problem in the way he treats me every time we have an argument. Now I know the things I was asking of him are not crazy. Hopefully I will find the strength to leave him, I'm afraid of missing him so much. I do not bond with other people easily.

If he threatens suicide, then call emergency services, and his family. This is a common manipulation used by abusers to keep you there.

You do not owe an abuser anything. Moon, he is cheating on you, and has been for sometime. You need to wake up. Why would he stay out till 8 AM?

You need the help of your family and friends. You MUST tell them what is going on.

Read this: https://babe.net/2017/10/12/men-threatening-to-kill-themselves-when-something-goes-wrong-is-the-epitome-of-manipulation-16828

You are making a lot of excuses for him, OP. You have no idea what he does when he's not around you but I would bet it's nothing you would approve of. My guess is that if you knew what he was really doing until 9am, you would not be so hesitant to leave. Right now you are operating under the smokescreen he's set up which has you in some deep denial. If he were doing nothing he shouldn't be doing, he wouldn't insist on staying out till breakfast the next morning. You have to stop pretending to yourself that he's not capable of mistreating you when you're not there; look how he treats you when you are. Guys like him who disrespect their girlfriends to their faces are not usually the type to employ morals and ethics when their ladies are out of eye- and earshot.

This is a very toxic relationship and you need to seek help for yourself as well. You have become extremely emotionally dependent om him and sadly appear to have no idea what love really is.

I agree. If he had nothing to hide, then he would want you by his side.

I suggest you seek some counseling for abuse.

Do you work? Does he?

Thank you for the article, I will do that next time he threatens to kill himself. I know that I will sound like I'm making excuses for him but he never tells me I can't come when he goes out. I did a couple of times, thats why I know his friends cheat, but I can't stand those guys and I can tell they don't want me there. So, I decided not to put myself in that situation just to check on him. But I do think he is manipulating me and being emotionally abusive. I will mentally prepare to leave him but it will take me some time.

Why wait?

Do you two work?

Remember, we are who we choose as friends. I do not have friends who cheat, as I do not accept it. Also, what the heck do people do till morning? Damn, you are such denial.

Please get yourself checked for STIs

Is just so big of a decision for me, I need some time to prepare. I'm going through a lot right now. I was let go of my job of 5 years two months ago out of the blue and they still own me 6 months of salary I haven't found a new job yet and I'm suing my old boss. I keep my health pretty much in check because I have chronic illness so I get tested for everything very often. I do use denial when I feel everything is just to much to deal with at the moment, but I get things done eventually at my own peace. I just wasnt really aware I was in an abusive relationship until a few hours ago, I need some time to process this. Is not like I dated a lot of people, to be honest this is my first boyfriend, I never broke up with anyone in my life so that makes it harder (I'm 31 years old)

If you hope to have a normal life and a family one day you need to get out. Do you have friends or family nearby or who you trust? Start changing your address to that of a trusted family or friend start having mail on important things sent there. Start getting your own credit cards and bank accounts. Do things at your own pace, but do them.

I'm 31 years old

Please turn to family and friends. i would also suggest an abuse hotline.

When ever someone does not make you feel good, you should question the relationship. Your partner is a classic abuser.

I do have family nearby but I cant move from my home as I'm the owner and cant sell it at the moment. Also I wouldn't even if I broke up, I like my home.

Can you borrow money for living expenses? How much does he contribute?

Also. this type of guy does not change. When you break uo with him, he will promise you the world. Do not believe it. He is an abuser and has had 9 years to perfect this type of treatment.

I don't think I can borrow much money, he does contribute quite a bit at the moment. I have some savings that I could use but only for a few months, I do have medical expenses. I would feel more secure if I had my own job. I would keep in mind what you said I think he would start making promises if we break up so I will pay attention :)

You can always post here for support.

Thank you! So far all the advice has been eye opener and life changing :)

It's up to you :)

OP, could you book an appointment with a counsellor?

It will help to talk to a neutral third party about what is going on, and help you untangle your unhealthy attachment to him. It sounds like nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors between you two - correct? A good counsellor can guide you in making sense of your own feelings and why you have allowed yourself to be abused like this. That will likely also help strengthen your resolve to end it.

There won't be a happy ending here if you stay. His problems are serious, and my assumption is that he doesn't truly believe that he is the problem and that he is abusive. He turns on the tears and sob stories as a manipulative tactic but I highly doubt he takes any genuine responsibility for the terrible dynamic you two have.

You've been together 9 years. What were your plans for the future with him? Kids? Marriage? To be very clear, I don't believe he is husband or father material, but I am curious where you thought this relationship was going after nearly a decade together.