Ahhh Changing

So I'm with a guy 10 years older who has been married and has a 9 year old son. We're finally almost to the point of introducing me to his son, and I am both nervous and excited. I've known my boyfriend for around 5 years, but we've only been romantically involved for a year, so I have met his son before just not as his dad's new girlfriend. My boyfriend's ex-wife also does not know about me, yet.

I guess I really just wanted to get insight, stories, opinions, whatever on being introduced into the family. Perspectives from people in similar positions, the position of an ex-wife, etc. would all be great [emoji4] I'm just trying to gain perspective so I can do my best to make the transition as easy as possible for everyone and respect both my relationship and my SO's whole family (ex-wife included).

first of all

1) how long have they been divorced? Did you start dating before or right after the divorce?

If you started dating when they were separated, the son may feel betrayed --- most kids fantasize about mom and dad being back together.

2) Does the son know -- in general - that dad is dating?

3) Is there a greater benefit to have you spend some time with your boyfriend and his son on an outing or meeting them for dinner before making big announcements? I know you have met the son - but did you meet the son while his parents were still married ? Or recently?

4) Is your boyfriend amicable with his ex - they are fair with eachother about the kid or is there fighting?

We started dating before the divorce but no one knows except a few close people. I don't think anyone has said anything to him about dad dating or anything. I dont understand the first part of number three? And I met the son after they were separated.

Oh, so you're the "other woman." I would be very careful about introducing you to the son. If his ex-wife knows or find out you were dating her husband before the divorce, there could be all kinds of hell brought down on your boyfriend. Even if he was legally separated at the time, she could make things difficult. Just be cool. Don't rush into things. I think abitbroken was recommending that maybe you go out and do things with the boy and your boyfriend more before making any announcements. Let him just see you around.

How long has he been divorced...period? Did you start dating him when the court date was 2 weeks away - or did you date him when he was newly separated. I don't think any announcements about dating will go over very well if he has only been divorced for a few short months --- you won't be able to hide you have been together for a year - you will slip and start to talk like you didn't just start dating. Honestly, if dating has to be hidden to anyone except small kids, then that means something was a little wrong about the relationship starting out. telling someone to contact you when they are actually divorced is the way to go.

ALso, you say you are 10 years younger and you are trying to make a good transition for the kid and the ex. I think you are bit naive/optimistic and i wonder if its because of the age difference (40 dating a 50 year old - that's no big deal - you are peers), but if you are 20 dating a 30-40 year old etc.. than that is hugely different). I appreciate the sentiment, but if you dated him while he was still married, i am sure the sentiment about wanting it to be an easy transition for her will be lost completely.

I say that you need to let more time pass - particularly to make sure that you are not a rebound and he didn't grab the first woman he saw....

We started dating before the divorce but no one knows except a few close people. I don't think anyone has said anything to him about dad dating or anything. I dont understand the first part of number three? And I met the son after they were separated.

As far as number three -- is it better to spend a little more facetime "as dad's friend" in the son's presence before springing the dating thing on him. The most important thing is the son's mental health and how he is dealing with the divorce. But not much facetime. Just a little. Dad will know when his son is ready.

Who initiated the divorce, and has the ex begun dating? How long has the divorce been finalized?