Fighting the Urge to text

I officially ended it with my ex a few weeks ago. We’d been on and off, and during one of our “off” periods I met another guy. I was really starting to like this new guy and decided before things got physical I needed to cut off the contact I had with my ex to focus on this new interest.

Now, S and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks. I feel happy, and content. I enjoy spending time with S, he’s sexy and funny and we’ve got a lot in common.

My ex and I ended things on good terms. I was honest with him about meeting S. J (my ex) understood that if he hadn’t had dumped me and slept with someone else I probably wouldn’t have moved on like this. He took blame for the situation. J told me he still cares for me, and isn’t angry for choosing to pursue S. He was hurt, and did beg me to stay and make it work, but knew if I didn’t, it was his fault for not treating me right.

He told me the night I broke up with him that he’d taken my broken necklace off my dresser and had it fixed for me. He told me he loves me to death. I have been overcome with guilt these past few weeks, for leaving. I don’t want him back necessarily. I just miss talking to him, as he was one of my best friends. I hope he’s not hurting. He told me that the worst part was the fact that he’d fixed the necklace, wanted it to be special, and would now never get a chance to give it to me. My heart breaks thinking about it :( I feel so horribly guilty.

I saw a post his mother made on FB saying he went to China for business and I am fighting the urge to text him and ask him about his trip. I would love to talk to him, and hear from him again. But I am with S, and I don’t want to give him the wrong impression or “bread crumb” him or set back his healing process :(

Do you think this is a bad idea to text him? Should I stay NC?

Didnt he cheat on you?

Maybe Im thinking about another poster...

ETA. Hon, this is the same guy who begged you back only to dump you, this is your toxic tango. You're trying to romanticize a train wreck. You're rebounding, hard, and hes chasing, like he does when he wants his toy back.

He cheated. Do NOT text him.

I officially ended it with my ex a few weeks ago. We’d been on and off, and during one of our “off” periods I met another guy. I was really starting to like this new guy and decided before things got physical I needed to cut off the contact I had with my ex to focus on this new interest.

 

Now, S and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks. I feel happy, and content. I enjoy spending time with S, he’s sexy and funny and we’ve got a lot in common.

 

My ex and I ended things on good terms.

 

Do you think this is a bad idea to text him? Should I stay NC?

So this isnt the same ex cause I wouldnt call this 'on good terms' why lie? This was like a few weeks ago...lol

Well.... I’m back. (Recap: 23female, 24male: ex broke up with me while he was away for 6 weeks for a huge 150 people training course for work in another state. For a month I was devastated because I was so in love and he was gone. And about two weeks ago when he got back in town asked me to meet up [details in previous threads])

The day we met up was like a dream. Laughing, dancing, amazing sex, drinks. He told me he never stopped loving me. He’d just been so overwhelmed he couldn’t juggle all of these stressful things at once. He told me he’d drank heavily every night there to try to forget me. He told me he still loves me with his whole heart. He wants to start over. The little dates, working through things together, spontaneous trips and everything we did before st the very beginning, start slow from step one. We’d been together for over a year and I was still crazy about him and I agreed.

For two weeks everything was so great. He treated me like a princess and looked at me with so much love and I felt so overjoyed again.

“You can tell me if you were with anyone while we were apart. I don’t blame you, Noelle,” he said. I told him no. And he looked and me and smiled and told me “Me either. I couldn’t even look at anyone else without thinking of you.”

One night he talked about taking me back to Utah where we met and revisiting the places we had our first dates. It made me giddy and I told him goodnight and I loved him so much.

4am that night, my phone is going off. I look over to see facebook messages all down my screen. A girl I didn’t know. “Hello, Noelle. I know you and J are together and if I were you I would want to know so I’m telling you, he and I had sex in Dallas in training....”

I clicked the notification to read the rest of the message but it was gone. She was gone. Her profile, the thread... at first I thought I had imagined the message since it was 4am.... my stomach was in cartwheels. J wasn’t andwering my calls becuase he was asleep so I laid sobbing in my pillow for hours.

When he woke up he admitted she was telling the truth. He had been drinking heavily as always when we were broken up and had slept with this girl. She then became overly obsessed with him, stalking him for the last few weeks of training. He told her he was still in love with me and she threatened to tell me, and his mother what a piece of **** he was. He showed me countless texts from her 10-20 a day, verbally attacking him, trying to blackmail him, using her sick grandmother to try to ploy him into responding. Honestly, it was a little frightening. He had decided then to block all of her social media and that was what triggered her to finally tell me.

6am (after she’d texted me about what he’d done) she tried to casually strike up a conversation with him about help with something for work! He responded “don’t ever EVER contact this number again. You are crazy. Leave me alone!”

Her: “Awww, J, someone’s sad his little girlfriend knows about what a terrible person he is. How heartbreaking. I hope you rot in hell and maybe it will teach you not to ghost girls like me.” Completely psychotic stuff. :\

 

I haven’t seen him since. He is blowing up my phone. Text after text begging me to give him a chance to fix it. It’s not so much that he slept with her, it’s that he looked me in the eyes and lied. He told me he never wanted to hurt me or tell me about his stalker because he couldn’t bear putting me through more pain. But now I feel even more in pain knowing he lied about her. Apparently he had even consulted his mother for advice and she told him to tell me. And if he couldn’t tell me he had to cut off any contact with her. He couldn’t do the first, so he tried everything to make her disappear and it backfired.

He even admitted to hiring a friend to hack my account the night she told me to erase any indication of the messages or that she existed and that was why the messages were gone when I woke up. He is now working on getting her moved to another base for his work because he doesn’t feel comfortable with her there. She had found out his home address, repeatedly called/texted on different numbers when he blocked hers. He went so far to cover his tracks and my trust is broken.

 

Why couldn’t he be honest with me about his stalker? Should I forgive him? Do you think he had good intentions in covering it up and I should allow him to meet me? He knows he made a mistake... but looking at him might open an entire new can of painful for me. We spoke for about an hour on the phone last night which pretty much consisted in me sobbing into the phone the whole time and him begging my forgiveness. I think about him touching her, his hands on her body, him kissing her and I want to vomit. I think about how I was probably crying somewhere in bed while he was sleeping with her and I cringe. While I was seeking therapy and put on antidepressants to cope, he was partying it up. It plays in my head like a broken record. And I know I found out only a day ago and I know eventually it won’t hurt like this.... I know he never technically cheated but how can you love someone for a year and a half and wind up sleeping with someone else only weeks later? Then lying to them about it?? :( my heart is sore

 

.....I just wish he’d been honest.....

Do not romanticize this guy, he is a cheater.

Stay NC. You likely started dating too soon, but now that you're with someone new, you need to commit to the relationship with them. Break up with the new guy if you are unable to commit, but forget about getting back together with your ex or trying to be friends with him right now. Going back and forth with an ex rarely works out, and you're lying to yourself if you think you have no feelings for your ex. You both have chosen to be with other people, so it's time to close the door of communication and actually move on.

Tell S that you want to contact J. See how that goes over.

Please do not do to S what J did to you.

Stay NC.

J is in perfect position to pull on your heart strings. But his suitability as a boyfriend is proven to be inadequate.

I have found my least reliable romantic partners have been the ones who make large gestures. "I got yo uh an engagement ring and now I'll never get to show it to you." Or, "Let's take a 4 day weekend together" and then the next weekend he is nowhere to be found. The necklace repair was a gambit to get your attention. Its manipulation and has nothing to do with why you're apart.

OP, you need to give your head a good, long shake.

You have your ex on a pedestal he doesn't deserve to be on. He is being manipulative by waxing poetic about this broken necklace; he knows how to push your buttons and it works. And if you're fighting the urge this much to connect with him, you are not ready to date at all.

Let the new guy go. Don't go chasing after your ex. Stay single, learn to value yourself more, heal and then date. Your heart and mind are not ready for it yet.