Feeling sad and depressed :(

So my girlfriend and I have been together now 2 and a half years. We argue a lot. In the beginning we never argued at all. She is a very jealous person and has even admitted to being one. If I'm not spending time doing something with her, she doesn't like it. Whether it be with friends, family or whoever. She acts like she is but you can tell in her voice she is like upset about it because it's not time spent with her. She is also very clingy and doesn't let me have space. Our relationship was so wonderful in the beginning and now it just feels like everything is forced and boring. I literally have no desire to do anything with her besides stay home and watch movies because I can't see a future with her. I really thought she was going to be "the one" for me.

She is wondering why I haven't wanted to do anything with her like we used to or do things with her family. I haven't told her out of fear of confrontation and it started a fight. (We've had some nasty fights recently) She had said some very hurtful things to me and none of which makes any sense because I've always been there for her and supported her with everything.

Tomorrow we are supposed to have a discussion about our relationship and everything that's been going on recently. I'm totally dreading it :( I currently feel so much anxiety and don't even know how I'm functioning. Everyone in my life has told me that I need to break up with her after things I've told them about her. My family doesn't like her, my friends don't like her, and I've even told co-workers about her and they said it's time to end it. Why haven't I ended it yet you ask? Out of fear. Fear of being single again and having to start over and that I won't find someone else who I'm compatible with. Fear that I'm making a mistake by letting her go. Fear that I'm going to break her heart and be looked at as a terrible person for doing so.

I have other things going on in my life that are family and work related and it is adding to the stress of my relationship. I know I should probably talk to a therapist but I literally just haven't done it yet. I feel so sad and depressed and feel like nothing is going right. How can I turn this around for myself?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

End it already! You're not doing her any favors by dragging this out. She will survive.

Why haven't I ended it yet you ask? Out of fear. Fear of being single again and having to start over and that I won't find someone else who I'm compatible with. Fear that I'm making a mistake by letting her go. Fear that I'm going to break her heart and be looked at as a terrible person for doing so.

1. You are not compatible

2. Her heart is breaking because she keeps trying to change you so you will be compatible

3. You feel trapped, and as a result you feel depressed

Please contact a therapist today

When you meet tomorrow, tell her that you are not in a space to be in a successful relationship right now, so you want to break up. No fighting, no blame on her, just that. Then leave. Don't talk it through with her, don't listen to her pleading, do not get caught up into fighting, just leave.

Don't waste her or your time anymore- that is the most thoughtful thing you can do in this situation, although she may not understand it in the heat of the moment. In the long run you two are not compatible. You are both just miserable - relationships should be full of joy! You should cherish the one you are with, exactly the way she is, and she should feel the same way about you, exactly the way you are.

Practice what you are going to say, over and over, so it will just roll off your tongue tomorrow. Don't get hooked into further explanations, just be short and to the point. Make it only about you, so that she is less able to argue her way back into the "relationship".

Be kind, caring, but stay firm.

You can do this!

1. You are not compatible

2. Her heart is breaking because she keeps trying to change you so you will be compatible

3. You feel trapped, and as a result you feel depressed

 

Please contact a therapist today

When you meet tomorrow, tell her that you are not in a space to be in a successful relationship right now, so you want to break up. No fighting, no blame on her, just that. Then leave. Don't talk it through with her, don't listen to her pleading, do not get caught up into fighting, just leave.

 

Don't waste her or your time anymore- that is the most thoughtful thing you can do in this situation, although she may not understand it in the heat of the moment. In the long run you two are not compatible. You are both just miserable - relationships should be full of joy! You should cherish the one you are with, exactly the way she is, and she should feel the same way about you, exactly the way you are.

 

Practice what you are going to say, over and over, so it will just roll off your tongue tomorrow. Don't get hooked into further explanations, just be short and to the point. Make it only about you, so that she is less able to argue her way back into the "relationship".

 

Be kind, caring, but stay firm.

 

You can do this!

We agreed to take a break for a week and a half (no contact) and think about things. I feel so broken and sad right now. We talked for hours last night and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I didn't want to leave her side and she didn't want me to either. The pain is so intense. I keep thinking how I will be able to overcome it. I miss her so much already :(

You wrote this: "now it just feels like everything is forced and boring. I literally have no desire to do anything with her besides stay home and watch movies because I can't see a future with her."

And now you say you "miss her so much".

Which is it?

You wrote this: "now it just feels like everything is forced and boring. I literally have no desire to do anything with her besides stay home and watch movies because I can't see a future with her."

 

And now you say you "miss her so much".

 

Which is it?

I think what I'm missing is the comfort of being around her. I can't explain why I feel this way. It's like when you date someone for so long and then its literally over just like that.

Any advice on how to deal with the pain after a breakup?

Yes.

Block her from all means of communication. This is not you being "mean", "harsh", "uncaring", "immature" or "selfish". This is so she can move forward with her life now that you will not be a part of it. And so you aren't tempted to text her when you're lonely or drunk or horny or feeling sad, giving her false hope of a reconciliation. And do not suggest staying "friends" or suggest you two might try again in the future. Make it a clean break.

Make plans with people and keep them. Do not sit at home wallowing in misery or loneliness.

Follow a healthy diet and get plenty of exercise. Plenty of sleep too.

Do not give in to the temptation to use her for comfort or attention or, God forbid, sex. Let her go so she can get over her own breakup pain.

Avoid alcohol!

You will miss the familiarity of knowing she's there, but you know very well this relationship isn't healthy and isn't going to work out.

With time and space away from her, that initial sting will fade. You will start living again, and you won't regret cutting yourself free from such a suffocating relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, but honestly, longevity is the true test of most relationships. If things are no longer healthy between you, there comes a point where you either have to decide to make a plan to take counseling together and take steps to revamp things, or if that isn't a viable option, look forward to the future instead. I know how hard it is to look past a girl who you thought was going to be the one, but once you make goals and start settling on other passions to pursue, the anxiety and the addiction will start to fade away. I had to move to another country to help me get over a girl as I was starting college, and while that's not necessarily what I would encourage you to do, think about yourself. Outside of that comfort zone you have when you're with her, what makes you happy or excited? Do you have a dream career? A new hobby you want to try out? Places you want to go? The more you look to the horizon, the easier it will be to move on. Someone else will come along for you when you least expect it, and by the time they do, there's a good chance you will have had time to self-reflect and mature for the next person so that you're more ready for them.

Seeing a counselor about this kind of thing can definitely help to overcome your fear, or talking to someone older and more experienced who has gone through this type of thing. Hoping your confidence improves, and that you're able to put your mental and emotional health above what you're comfortable with.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, but honestly, longevity is the true test of most relationships. If things are no longer healthy between you, there comes a point where you either have to decide to make a plan to take counseling together and take steps to revamp things, or if that isn't a viable option, look forward to the future instead. I know how hard it is to look past a girl who you thought was going to be the one, but once you make goals and start settling on other passions to pursue, the anxiety and the addiction will start to fade away. I had to move to another country to help me get over a girl as I was starting college, and while that's not necessarily what I would encourage you to do, think about yourself. Outside of that comfort zone you have when you're with her, what makes you happy or excited? Do you have a dream career? A new hobby you want to try out? Places you want to go? The more you look to the horizon, the easier it will be to move on. Someone else will come along for you when you least expect it, and by the time they do, there's a good chance you will have had time to self-reflect and mature for the next person so that you're more ready for them.

 

Seeing a counselor about this kind of thing can definitely help to overcome your fear, or talking to someone older and more experienced who has gone through this type of thing. Hoping your confidence improves, and that you're able to put your mental and emotional health above what you're comfortable with.

Thanks for this response. I needed to read that. I'm so torn on what to do because I've been through a lot of relationships already that failed and really thought this was gonna be the one that finally was "it" for me. I'm starting to lose hope if what I'm looking for really even exists out there. The biggest thing for me to have to try and deal with is her jealousy. She has admitted several times she's a jealous person and hates feeling that way. She is well aware of it and has been in therapy (and still is) to try to change it. Can a person change the quality of being jealous? Is it possible or is someone who is already jealous always going to remain that way? She is jealous of so many things that I never thought someone would even be jealous of. Also can a person who is clingy, has self confidence issues (she claims has gotten better) and very possessive of me not be able to change those qualities either? I guess I'm trying to figure out what my life would look like in the future with her if I actually thought she could change these qualities.