Alcohol and my Girlfriend

We have been together almost 4 years.

When I met her she was a bit of a mess, she would drive drunk sometimes..she would treat me like in front of other people when she was drunk mostly just verbally. Its always been verbal abuse never violent I know she would never do that . She would then fall asleep waking up the next day not remember anything. She has also passed out on the toilet at my bros wedding like 2 years ago and i found a cigarette lit on the floor when i found her passed out on the toilet. She has a history with me of being irrationally jealous of other women and insecure about herself and her body and no self essteem. These have all been issues we have dealt with i guess...kind of. I know her insecurites are still there but instead of lashing out now she just keeps them in,

Fast forward now the alcohol and insecurities have gotten better than before. But living through that has affected me in the sense that i feel watched when women pass around me and she is with me. I always have the anxiety of that now. I never did anything tho to make her doubt us. She has gotten better with the drinking too now as she doesnt drink every night. We have tried not drinking each for a month and it makes us happy but going out with friends,camping, vacations..its so hard not to drink. Sometimes shes fine when we drink she doesnt get to that point but like 50% of the time she does and she is the type of girl that always wants to get another drink . she can't control it that much.

It hasn't happened for a while the drinking and insulting me around other people but then again I think we avoid people now I don't know..She hangs with her friends I hang with mine she's usualy weird about wanting to go hang out with me and my friends at a BBQ. Anyways we went to her cousins campground this weekend and got drunk at night. I told her before going i feel like ur gonna just pass out from being drunk tonight because you just worked 12 hours straight 2 days in a row and finishing at 7 pm and then were driving to the campground and ur so tired and ur gonna drink ? sounds like a bad idea. Wich she just replied ''OMG'' to. So wtv we drank and it was alright except she told me she hated me like 2 or 3 times during the night . We didnt even fight she just says this bull sometimes and obviously it hurts me to hear that. The she just passed out on her camping chair ( we were like 12 in a fire circle). So I just left her there and went to my tent and her sister eventually brought her there.

I don't really know what to do i told her about it and shes like i thought we had a nice day today we were around women in bathing suits and I didn't get insecure or wtv..kind of moving the conversation towards things that have gotten positive in our relationship and just acting defensive about her not remembering anything last night saying she hates me etc..

She has to just agree to stop drinking entirely if this relationship is gonna work correct? Like she is not a trainwreck when shes drunk like before..it has gotten better but its not enough...

Just looking for some help.

Thanks

OP,

Your post really is a question only you can answer: can you withstand her habit/addiction/alcoholism, and do you choose to continue to do so?

She will have to take charge of her own behavior. If you frame it and direct what her choices are, you are owning it, in a sense. It's her problem to solve, (if she even thinks it's a problem). Your problem is you are considering ending your relationship, and you don't want to. You are going to have to accept that exiting the relationship may be necessary. Accept that fact before you consider whether you will actually do it. She isn't changing because you ask her to; if she changes it will be when she owns the decision, the framing and the process.

When I met her she was a bit of a mess, she would drive drunk sometimes..she would treat me like in front of other people when she was drunk mostly just verbally. Its always been verbal abuse never violent I know she would never do that . She would then fall asleep waking up the next day not remember anything. She has also passed out on the toilet at my bros wedding like 2 years ago and i found a cigarette lit on the floor when i found her passed out on the toilet. She has a history with me of being irrationally jealous of other women and insecure about herself and her body and no self essteem. These have all been issues we have dealt with i guess...kind of. I know her insecurites are still there but instead of lashing out now she just keeps them in

Quite a catch! You’re dating a chick who puts other people’s lives at risk (2 friends of mine were killed by drunk drivers). She can’t behave herself in front of family at a family event. Blacking out at a wedding... seriously, who does that? And oh yeah, she has massive insecurity issues and verbally abuses you.

Why are you even with this girl? She has no redeeming qualities as an alcoholic.

She has gotten better with the drinking too now as she doesnt drink every night. We have tried not drinking each for a month and it makes us happy but going out with friends,camping, vacations..its so hard not to drink.

It’s really not that hard. I’m pregnant. I was able to attend a wedding this past weekend and was constantly around champagne bottles, shots, flasks, two open bars and my family (including my husband) all drinking... I never took a sip. I’ve been alcohol-free for over a year.

It’s called self-control. And if your girlfriend can’t control her drinking then she is an alcoholic. No one in their right mind is forcing her to drink... she’s making the choice to drink (and the amount she chooses is also in her control). There’s no excuses for this.

She needs rehab to overcome her alcoholism. Sadly there isn’t anything you can do... you’re can’t force her to go if she doesn’t want to. And the bad news is there will be huge issues in the future involving this girl’s addiction. I lived with a grandfather who was an alcoholic and this problem doesn’t just go away (in fact he ended up killing himself since alcohol is a depressant and is linked to suicide). You need to rethink this whole relationship with this person if she’s refusing to quit. Drinking around her only enables the habit.

She has to just agree to stop drinking entirely if this relationship is gonna work correct?

No. You mentioned that she is verbally abusive and has insecurities about you interacting with other women. This is another red flag and a problem she needs to work on. Why stay with somebody who’s contantly accusing you of cheating? Someone who doesn’t trust you?

Quit drinking is only a band-aid to ONE problem. She needs professional therapy to work on herself. Like you said... when you first met her, she was a “mess.” And if that’s how you’re going to introduce her here... buddy, you really need to ask yourself why you are even dating her.

She has to just agree to stop drinking entirely if this relationship is gonna work correct?

She has to come to this conclusion on her own, otherwise you're beating a dead horse. I'm sure you have the best of intentions, but she's an adult who's capable of making her own choices, therefore this is her cross to bear. Your job is to decide if/when it's time to draw the line.

What does "wtv" mean, or is it a typo?

She has to come to this conclusion on her own, otherwise you're beating a dead horse. I'm sure you have the best of intentions, but she's an adult who's capable of making her own choices, therefore this is her cross to bear. Your job is to decide if/when it's time to draw the line.

 

What does "wtv" mean, or is it a typo?

... it means whatever, colloquially, as in the dismissive “whatevs”

She can't quit unless she seeks help through AA meetings (she will have to attend forever, it's not a temporary fix). You can go yourself, it's not just for alcoholics, it's also for people who have a an alcoholic in their life. Go to a few meetings and get advice on how to proceed with her. It's a start.

Well, it's pretty certain your girlfriend is an alcoholic and she's emotionally abusive. It sounds like a great relationship. (I'm being sarcastic.) The only reason why your relationship has been less difficult is because you've been trained not to look at other girls and to avoid other things that set her off. Maybe she's becoming a little more mature, but, yeah, she can't handle her drinking. She just goes out of control. If you can't ration her drinking, then she's got to seek professional help.

I don't know how old you are or what your relationship history is like, but I'm floored you have stayed in this relationship as long as you have. I promise you there are women out there who are not verbally abusive alcoholics who you could actually enjoy going out with. Do yourself a favor and let her go. You can't fix her and you shouldn't try to. She needs to decide she needs help before any improvement will occur, and it would be foolish to wait until she does (she may never decide she needs help).

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your relationship. Unfortunately verbal and emotional abuse is definitely abuse whether you want to call it that or not, and you are right to realize that some kind of change needs to happen. Obviously I don't know the full story of your relationship and there may be hurt done on both sides, but it may be time for you to consider separating at least for a while until she is able to resolve this issue. Does her family know about it, and are they able to help her? Has she ever tried therapy or any kind of program? You may want to gently encourage her, and if she reacts stone-heartedly to you, you may have to start making some difficult decisions.

What brought you two together in the first place? Do you think you have enough in common to be able to develop a healthy relationship in the long run, or are these problems only going to keep recurring? As much as you probably love her and want the best for her, sometimes taking a step back and setting boundaries for her are the best way to show that love. Praying for your situation today.