I want to be closer to my parents/family, but I don't know how

I am a first generation immigrant. As a child growing up, I was always very isolated. I spent a lot of time in my room. I'm 24 now, left home at 18, and have only been back to see my parents 3 times. I have never had a proper meaningful conversation with my parents. I have never told my parents what is going on in my life. My parents didn't even know where I was or what I did after I left home.

I grew up with my mum, dad, and sister (8 years younger than me). We were poor, and there was the huge cultural barrier which my parents never got past. They didn't integrate well into the country we moved to. My dad went off to work for my Aunty/Uncle in a shop somewhere 50km away, and only came back one day a week, and I barely saw him. In our family, my parents were always arguing, but mainly it was just my mum being angry at my dad and yelling at him every time he came home. My parents aren't educated, and I don't think they know what a healthy relationship is, or how to build a relationship with their children either.

Here are a few events which paint a picture of what it was like for me growing up:

• My mum would always say "you were an accident" or "I wish I never had you". I didn't really understand the significance or weight of these until I grew older and realised it wasn't a normal thing for a parent to say to their child
  
• My parents never praised me or said well done. So I tried really hard in school to get them to be proud of me. When I was 14, there was a High School prize-giving event. I was invited, and was so excited because I thought my parents would finally be proud of me. I got multiple awards. But none of them were trophies. They were only certificates. Paper awards. After the event, my mum kept saying 'why didn't you get any trophies' and putting me down because I only got paper awards, which wasn't good enough for her. This crushed me, and that was when thoughts of suicide began
  
• When learning to drive and getting my drivers' license, my mum was the one who taught me to drive. She questioned me what I was going to do when I finished high school, and somehow it got into an argument, and she said something along the lines of "Go and do your own thing. I don't care if I ever see you again. We can live our own separate lives"
  

When I think back to my childhood, I absolutely hate it and there is a lot of anger and resentment with it. There are a lot more events like this which makes me feel worthless and wish I was never born.

When I was 21, I was very suicidal, and I was forced to stay in a psychiatric ward of the hospital. They said they had to contact my parents, even though I didn't want them to. My parents drove down to visit me, and when I saw them there, it was very awkward. I don't know what the doctors told my parents, but I didn't care, and just wanted my parents to stay away. (I felt like the hospital forced a lot of things on me which I didn't want).

When I got out of the psychiatric ward, my parents became nicer to me. They started giving me money to help with finances, even though I tell her I don't need it. They call me and try to ask me what is going on in my life, and that I should let them know if there's anything I want to talk about. They say they want to see me.

It's been 3 years of the same thing. My parents would occasionally send me some money. They call me once a month and try to talk to me, but I only give them one word answers (mainly just 'yes' and 'ok'). They try to make conversation and tell me things that are going in their lives. They say to let them know if I ever want to talk.

But I didn't want to at that time. There was (and still is) still so much wrong with me. I couldn't get past the anger. My mental health was still very bad. Not only that, but talking to my parents about anything is a foreign concept to me.

I think I am ready for a change though.

I want to reconnect with them because I realise, my friendships in life have been very poor. I don't really have any friends at the moment. I have never been in a relationship. I am really scared and alone in life. I am still at university and trying to pass my degree, and even though people say university is the best place to make new friendships, I still have a lot of trouble doing so. I remember my high school English teacher saying, "Your relationships with the people around you are a reflection of the relationship you have with your parents". Which I see is really true. I have a very poor relationship with my parents, and I am struggling with friendships/relationships with everyone around me. I have always been angry for the way I was raised, and blamed my parents on everything wrong with my life, but I think I'm ready to let things go and move on.

There are a couple barriers which I need to overcome:

• Over the years, I have forgotten how to speak my native language. I only know some basic words. My parents don't speak English, so I can't really communicate with them effectively. This is probably the biggest barrier, and I'm not sure how I'd overcome this
  
• I can't get past how awkward this will be. I already struggle with conversations. I struggle to connect with people, because I have never done it. Not only that, but have never really talked to my parents. I have never let them know how things are going in my life
  

What should I do, and how should I approach this?

I'm also really scared, and the thought of visiting my parents is extremely anxiety provoking. I don't have any close friends. I don't have anyone I can talk to and share my problems with. I'd have to deal with this myself, and I don't know if I can handle it. What if something goes wrong? What if things go right, but I can't handle these emotions?

Are you still in therapy?

I am so sorry for your upbringing. What your mother said was cruel. Are you certain that you want to reconnect with your parents?

Are you still in therapy?

 

I am so sorry for your upbringing. What your mother said was cruel. Are you certain that you want to reconnect with your parents?

No I'm not in therapy at the moment. Due to university placements for my course, I have had to move to another city for a year. My placements also force me to be unavailable from 9am-5pm which is working hours, so even if I found another therapist/psychologist (which I don't want because it takes me years to open up to someone), I can't really book a time to see them

I'm not sure exactly how therapy works here (in New Zealand) or how much it costs. I got to see a psychologist for free for a few years because I was placed into the psychiatric ward, but since I am almost 25, I may have to start paying. I really can't afford to pay to see psychologist at the moment.

I do want to reconnect with my parents.

I have thought about it for a while, and I do understand it wasn't their fault. They were probably raised like that when they were younger (without any affection or love), and that is all they know. Visiting them may not have the best outcome, but at least I know I tried.

I also believe that my friendships are very poor because my relationship with my parents is poor. I want to have friends; I don't want to be so alone in life. And I think that trying to reconnect with my parents is the first step in at least learning to build connections with people. Otherwise, I don't know why I can't make friends or connect with people.

Do they offer any therapy through your school? I really think you need to see what options are available to you through the school, and otherwise.

I would not excuse their behavior, due to their own upbringing. They are adults. What your mother said was cruel.

Have you tried to connect with friends? What happens? Have you tried volunteering to meet people. have you tried clubs through school. or Meetups? What are you doing to get out there?

It's been 3 years of the same thing. My parents would occasionally send me some money. They call me once a month and try to talk to me, but I only give them one word answers (mainly just 'yes' and 'ok'). They try to make conversation and tell me things that are going in their lives. They say to let them know if I ever want to talk.

But I didn't want to at that time. There was (and still is) still so much wrong with me. I couldn't get past the anger. My mental health was still very bad. Not only that, but talking to my parents about anything is a foreign concept to me.

I think I am ready for a change though.

sometimes people change. It sounds like your parents are really trying to connect -- something you have always craved, but you are shutting them down. They did the best they knew how when you were a kid, and even though it wasn't good enough for you -- poverty is *very* stressful and it was compounded by the fact that they didn't speak the language of the country to make their situation better and yours. Dad probably worked farther away because he had no choice - he may have felt it was the best way to make enough money to keep a roof over everyone's heads.

What about taking a class or going to a conversation group for their language? I bet its still there, you are just out of practice. Have you thought about writing a letter to them (in their language - you could look stuff up in a dictionary or have a teaching assistant in that language class proofread it

Do they offer any therapy through your school? I really think you need to see what options are available to you through the school, and otherwise.

 

I would not excuse their behavior, due to their own upbringing. They are adults. What your mother said was cruel.

 

Have you tried to connect with friends? What happens? Have you tried volunteering to meet people. have you tried clubs through school. or Meetups? What are you doing to get out there?

Yes they offer counselling at our university for $10 a session. I am about 100km away from the city campus since I am on my placements in a smaller town, so I can't really access their services.

If I was back at the main city, I would continue going to the psychologist I was seeing. I only had to stop because I moved down here for placements 5 months ago. And to make things more difficult, my placements require me to be busy from 9am to 5pm, so I don't really have any free time.

With friends... well, I don't think I am very good at holding conversations or connecting with people. I have tried for many years, and it's not really working out that well. I don't ever see anyone outside of university. I don't get invited to anything.

I have tried inviting people to hang out with me, but it's usually quite dull and I am not one which can maintain a long conversation. I have read "How to win friends and Influence People" to try and improve, but I don't think it has been that effective. When I talk to people, or try to befriend them, I feel like there is something missing. I went to a random meet-up once, and again the same thing... I feel like there is something missing. I can talk to them for a few minutes, but I can't seem to hold a proper conversation or connect with them more than that.

I feel like I am lacking in a certain skill, but I don't know how to fix it. It's like someone telling me to swim across a pool, but all I do is walk along the bottom, because that is all I know how to do.

I want to reconnect with my parents because I know in my heart, it's the right thing to do. I have been angry at them long enough. I have tried for the past 6 years, so very hard to try and build a solid life and be happy, but I am just scared and lonely. Even with a psychologist and anti-depressants, nothing has changed.

It doesn't mean my parents are good people for me to associate myself with. They have a lot of bad habits and traits which I learnt, and took me years to get rid of. But it's time for a change. My anger at them is fading, and all I want is just to try and build a relationship with them again.

sometimes people change. It sounds like your parents are really trying to connect -- something you have always craved, but you are shutting them down. They did the best they knew how when you were a kid, and even though it wasn't good enough for you -- poverty is *very* stressful and it was compounded by the fact that they didn't speak the language of the country to make their situation better and yours. Dad probably worked farther away because he had no choice - he may have felt it was the best way to make enough money to keep a roof over everyone's heads.

 

What about taking a class or going to a conversation group for their language? I bet its still there, you are just out of practice. Have you thought about writing a letter to them (in their language - you could look stuff up in a dictionary or have a teaching assistant in that language class proofread it

Yea, it seems like they changed a few years ago and really wanted to reconnect. I was wrong to shut them down, but my anger got the better of me.

The letter is a really good idea, thanks! I may try that, using google translate or something. I don't really know of anyone to proof-read it, but I think google translate is enough.

I would like to learn my native language again, if I can find the right place to learn. I am in a placement in a small-ish town and I am new here so I am not sure what is around.

What are your interests?

Well, just keep in mind that you don't have to reconnect with your parents. A lot of people leave home and never come back. In your case they emotionally abused you while growing up and you don't owe them anything.

As for meeting new friends, is there anything you're interested in? You need to find people who are interested in the same things. Are you majoring in any subject? At school, I knew everyone in my major and were friends with a lot of them. Are there other people who are interning in the town you're in? Maybe even join an abuse group to talk about your problems and hear about other people's problems. There are ways to make contact with other people if you try.

James C,

I skimmed over your post. My mother just passed away on Friday night, I just made a post about it and am going to her funeral in an hour. Here is what I have to say to you...

If you parents want to reconnect with you, you should. Maybe life was hard in the past. Maybe they didn't always treat you well, and you ran away from them all this time. But, you only have one mom and dad in your life. You said they send you money and call you; THEY CARE. You should spend time with them while they are here, because once they are gone, they are gone forever. What I wouldn't give to be able to talk to my mom one last time.

You can still do that; you can pick up the phone and talk to her, and visit her. As well as your dad. How would you feel if one of them were to die next week? Because, that was my reality. How would you feel if your mom died next week and you never got to say goodbye? You never got to talk to her again?

Seriously... go talk to your damn parents, make up with them, forgive them for anything in the past.