Rebounders

This to the poor sap trying to post but having issues due to "multiple accounts". I'd PM you if I could, but everyone can benefit from this.

PSA:

Online dating has made rebounding extremely easy, they can literally make a dating profile 5 minutes after a break up and get busy wasting mentally stable peoples time. At first they are looking for a replacement - literally a stand in - to make up for their ex. This usually lasts 1-3 dates before they vanish because they realized they can't replace an ex, they have to take the time and get over them the hard way. And when I say vanish I mean vanish. Dating profile deleted and ghosting out on you, and you are left wondering what the heck went wrong.

This is so prevalent in online dating it needs its own name, like catfish has.

I've had it happen to me several times and now I wont even bother with a girl that has been single less than a year.

Red flags are un-naturally rushing things, pda on first dates, holding your hand on the way into your first date etc (had it happen), basically treating you like the boyfriend/girlfriend they're trying to replace. And of course the inevitable ghosting after 1-3 dates for "seemingly" no reason.

Not all do the ghosting trick, some will call/text and tell you straight up they aren't over their ex but the ones that ghost do it because they really don't have any care for you, you were literally a mannequin which they were hoping would provide the emotional existence of their ex.

This to the poor sap trying to post but having issues due to "multiple accounts". I'd PM you if I could, but everyone can benefit from this.

 

PSA:

 

Online dating has made rebounding extremely easy, they can literally make a dating profile 5 minutes after a break up and get busy wasting mentally stable peoples time. At first they are looking for a replacement - literally a stand in - to make up for their ex. This usually lasts 1-3 dates before they vanish because they realized they can't replace an ex, they have to take the time and get over them the hard way. And when I say vanish I mean vanish. Dating profile deleted and ghosting out on you, and you are left wondering what the heck went wrong.

 

This is so prevalent in online dating it needs its own name, like catfish has.

 

I've had it happen to me several times and now I wont even bother with a girl that has been single less than a year.

 

Red flags are un-naturally rushing things, pda on first dates, holding your hand on the way into your first date etc (had it happen), basically treating you like the boyfriend/girlfriend they're trying to replace. And of course the inevitable ghosting after 1-3 dates for "seemingly" no reason.

Excellent post MD!

It's opened my eyes to online dating, and certainly has made me realise when I finally do get back out there, I'll be more weary.

I do have this feeling that most people on dating apps (tinder and such) are there to find a rebound or something temporary to take their heads of their exes. Of course many of them are for the "easy lay" and others for the ego boost with the matches/distraction into conversation never getting into actual dates.

I once met a guy online in which I ignored the redflags but they were all there:

- He was acting like we were in a relationship right from the first date (pda, hand holding, pet names, etc)

- He seemed so sure that he really liked me and wanted a relationship with me right off the bat

- He had broken up with his ex of 2 years 4 months ago. It was very recent but I choose to ignore and besides he swore to me several times that he was totally over her and that in fact he had been the one breaking up with her because he fell out of love with her

- And some other "rebound redflags"

In the beginning he was just so much so soon that it was putting me off a bit and making me feel that it was a bit "suspicious" but I ended up falling for him after a while. One day, the day right after we actually "defined the relationship" and got "physical" and him doing all these things and acting so passionate, he sent me a message about how he was very sorry for doing this to me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with me because he couldn't forget his ex. Right after this and before I could even answer, he deleted and blocked me.

After a while, I knew he had gotten back to his ex.

Just to say that it's usually a redflag if someone is coming on too strong too soon. A person better watch out, because generally love develops organically and not this way.

Annia, you point out all the red flags I wish I’d seen. At least I’m aware for next time.

Here's a good one:

https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-heart/what-is-a-rebound-relationship

"Love-bombers" are either trying to erase the pain caused by the one they truly love who left them, or they are the ones addicted to the "honeymoon" phase, who bail as soon as they don't practically faint every time you walk into the room.

A third option is those who haven't had much dating experience who grab onto the first person who agrees to go on a date with them because they fear no one else will ever say "yes" to a date. It isn't you specifically they want, but just someone, anyone, who will spend time with them.

All three options are poor ones.

Amen brother. I'd say 20% of the profiles I see say dating status: separated. But their profile says their ready to settle down with the right girl. Maybe finish off your marriage first bub!

The biggest evidence of this is the healing and break up forum. The amount of posts that are like Im 2 days post breakup but I'm going to be strong and start dating or I've gone on 6 first dates but I don't think I'm ready, should I keep going? For the love of God I know you're hurting, but other people have feelings too and they don't feel like being used as your crutch while you get a free order of hot wings! Sheesh.

It's so cruel to me to do that and you lose all credibility to me when you're hurting and you think nothing of spreading around your pain and baggage.

And you're right it's so common it should have a name. I say we create one.

How about 'bag and draggers' since they're trying to drag you into their baggage.

This is so prevalent in online dating it needs its own name, like catfish has.

It does have it's own name: rebounder.

I've had it happen to me several times and now I wont even bother with a girl that has been single less than a year.

Some of us take the long road and the hard way to learn why it's important to avoid rebounders rather than mess with them in the first place. You're smart to have figured this out. ASK UP FRONT, "How long was your last relationship, and how long has it been since your breakup?"

When the answer is less than a year from a long term relationship, OR, you sense an instability or neediness about someone, you can skip meeting them altogether and respond, "I think we could possibly be a good match someday, and that's why I'm going to pass on meeting while you're in recovery from your last relationship. If you're still available in X months, I hope you'll consider reaching out to let me know."

Don't let them talk you out of that. They can't change the facts. Rebounders will always say that they are free and clear and over their exes. They don't intend to lie, but they just aren't the best judges of their value to you. No need to rely on their judgment, and no need to villainize them, which only victimizes yourself. You can simply be smart and responsible and look out for yourself, instead.

Our choices in dating are always our own responsibility. It doesn't matter what a potential date 'says' when we can apply common sense and recognize bad matches before they happen.

Dating doesn't happen TO us. We are active and voluntary participants every step of the way.

Head high, and keep climbing away from a victim mentality. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later.

Sorry cat but one isn't a victim for calling out sh*tty behavior. Not to mention not everyone is honest, like you just said they delude themselves into believing they're fully healed, so a healthy single person had to go on at least one time wasting date before they see the signs for themselves. Its impossible to be 100% with weeding out people before you meet them.

I keep thinking back how the alarm bells were there on the first date....she spent most of it talking about her ex husband.

I keep thinking back how the alarm bells were there on the first date....she spent most of it talking about her ex husband.

If they bring up their ex even once it means they aren't over them and their ex is still top of mind. Some try and argue this one and my response is - do you bring up your high school ex on first dates? "No" they say - yeah, because your over them.

Sorry cat but one isn't a victim for calling out sh*tty behavior. Not to mention not everyone is honest, like you just said they delude themselves into believing they're fully healed, so a healthy single person had to go on at least one time wasting date before they see the signs for themselves. Its impossible to be 100% with weeding out people before you meet them.

Yup, couple years ago I met a cute blonde that had told me she left her long term BF 6 months prior. I was wary but she persisted that she was over him and was over him before even leaving (happens). This was the one that held my hand when we walked into the bar of date #1 and then groped me and made out afterwards when going for a walk. It was revealed then when she said she moved back home "2 months ago" how recently she had been single and I assume dumped. The next morning I got a "Good morning can't wait to see you tonight XXXOOO" text before she vanished off the face of the planet that afternoon.

I knew it was going to happen though lol

If they bring up their ex even once it means they aren't over them and their ex is still top of mind. Some try and argue this one and my response is - do you bring up your high school ex on first dates? "No" they say - yeah, because your over them.

Yep, granted he was the dad of her kid....but she didn't need to unload it on me.....and it monopolised a lot of the first and second dates. Straight away I was thinking, 'this shouldn't be happening'. I'm more convinced I was her rebound/comfort blanked during this period.......she even admitted she wanted to take things slow because on previous dates, she had 'run away' after the second date, I'd got further than the rest......my alarm bells should have been well and truly ringing.

It actually now, in an odd way, helps me through it all.

Yup, couple years ago I met a cute blonde that had told me she left her long term BF 6 months prior. I was wary but she persisted that she was over him and was over him before even leaving (happens). This was the one that held my hand when we walked into the bar of date #1 and then groped me and made out afterwards when going for a walk. It was revealed then when she said she moved back home "2 months ago" how recently she had been single and I assume dumped. The next morning I got a "Good morning can't wait to see you tonight XXXOOO" text before she vanished off the face of the planet that afternoon.

 

I knew it was going to happen though lol

Well sh*t, if you knew it was coming and you went forward anyway cats right, you only have yourself to blame.

Yep, granted he was the dad of her kid....but she didn't need to unload it on me.....and it monopolised a lot of the first and second dates. Straight away I was thinking, 'this shouldn't be happening'. I'm more convinced I was her rebound/comfort blanked during this period.......she even admitted she wanted to take things slow because on previous dates, she had 'run away' after the second date, I'd got further than the rest......my alarm bells should have been well and truly ringing.

 

It actually now, in an odd way, helps me through it all.

Yep now you know to walk away right away.

"Love-bombers" are either trying to erase the pain caused by the one they truly love who left them, or they are the ones addicted to the "honeymoon" phase, who bail as soon as they don't practically faint every time you walk into the room.

 

A third option is those who haven't had much dating experience who grab onto the first person who agrees to go on a date with them because they fear no one else will ever say "yes" to a date. It isn't you specifically they want, but just someone, anyone, who will spend time with them.

 

All three options are poor ones.

I totally agree. A fourth option can be narcissistic/abusive people who love bomb to lure the "victim" in. But the three options you talked about seem to be the most prevalent ones.

It does have it's own name: rebounder.

 

 

 

Some of us take the long road and the hard way to learn why it's important to avoid rebounders rather than mess with them in the first place. You're smart to have figured this out. ASK UP FRONT, "How long was your last relationship, and how long has it been since your breakup?"

 

When the answer is less than a year from a long term relationship, OR, you sense an instability or neediness about someone, you can skip meeting them altogether and respond, "I think we could possibly be a good match someday, and that's why I'm going to pass on meeting while you're in recovery from your last relationship. If you're still available in X months, I hope you'll consider reaching out to let me know."

 

Don't let them talk you out of that. They can't change the facts. Rebounders will always say that they are free and clear and over their exes. They don't intend to lie, but they just aren't the best judges of their value to you. No need to rely on their judgment, and no need to villainize them, which only victimizes yourself. You can simply be smart and responsible and look out for yourself, instead.

 

Our choices in dating are always our own responsibility. It doesn't matter what a potential date 'says' when we can apply common sense and recognize bad matches before they happen.

 

Dating doesn't happen TO us. We are active and voluntary participants every step of the way.

 

Head high, and keep climbing away from a victim mentality. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later.

I so agree with this. We are responsible for our choices and judgement, regardless of the choices and judgement of the other person. And as soon as we realize this and step away from the victim mentality, the more in charge of our feelings and relationships we'll be and life starts to transform.