Feeling more clarity after 3 weeks

I just wanted to make a post whilst I'm feeling ok to remind myself of how this feels the next time I'm here having a terrible day like I did this weekend.

I went to bed last night feeling more hopeful but woke again to the feeling of dread and helplessness. I've been neglecting the house work the last few weeks doing th bare minimum so I forced myself instead of moping to get on with it.

My mind still constantly wanders to him, but instead of why wasn't I good enough, what could I have done to stop this, I'm thinking more along the lines of I remember why this happened, I wasn't happy, he gave the bare minimum, he didn't want to commit. We were at different stages in our lives I think and sometimes you need to accept that.

I will meet someone else and have the relationship I wanted.

I think the longing I've had is for the early stages of the relationship, when everything seems perfect. But I reality the relationship wasn't perfect. Yes we got on well but our lives didn't march up. At the weekend the recent memories of times together were unbearable, but in hindsight even those days I have been looking back on as perfect, weren't, I was feeling insecure in the relationship and wondering when the next time I'd see him would be, if I'd ever be a priority again.

Anyway I think having this written down somewhere will bring me clarity when I'm feeling down again. I've made the mistake of contacting him too many times and hoping he's came to some sort of revelation about himself...he hasn't and probably won't.

I feel I've learned a lot about myself the last few weeks, good and bad, what I need to work on and what I want from a relationship.

It's only been 3 weeks and I know those feelings of dispair will come back to haunt me soon. But hopefully in another 3 weeks they'll become less and less. I've been trying to remind myself that they're just waves, let them run their course and the clarity will come back.

It really is like a drug, 2 days ago I'd of done absolutely anything just to see him for a minute, today I almost feel I'd be strong enough to say no if he wanted to see me.

How far is everyone else into their break up and how are you feeling?

It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. With each passing day, week, month... you will feel less pain and start to see things with more clarity. I think we are mourning what we think we've lost in terms of a relationship, rather than the person themselves. Then we project that they are the only ones that can fix it to make us feel better. But if the relationship was not what two people wanted, why should we mourn it? We should celebrate the fact that we are free to explore the possibility for a happy and healthy relationship.

Write a list of his annoying habits, red flags and negative traits. Focus on those.

It does come in waves. That is such a thoughtful post and rings true.

I woke up with dread, too! I have been remembering the last lovely things she said - about 4 weeks ago, before it went pear-shaped...

The battle with myself to make or not make contact is easier to manage now though after 2 weeks, and it will be for you, too, at some point.

Yeah the moments like these almost make the suffering worth it. It's nice to appreciate feeling just okay..a few months ago when I was in my relationship feeling just okay felt like suffering. Now feeling just okay is such a relief.

It's been sunny here for a few weeks and I've spend most of my time indoors sad, today I want to go out and enjoy the sun.

I still have the fear that the bad feelings will come back but I'm just going to enjoy being okay until they do.

You sound like you're doing really great. You understand that these waves come and go—that even the biggest, most painful ones are survivable. Awful as they can be, when you survive them you tap into the most important strength: the thing inside you that no one can take. In that strength there is clarity.

I'm 7 months out of a 3 year relationship that, depending on how I'm feeling, was either an extended war or a beautiful thing that ran its course. The waves still come, but they're softer now, and I'm genuinely as grateful for this whole experience (learning to deal with pain, reflecting on myself) as I was the best parts of the relationship I lost (that intimacy, that friendship). I see myself clearer now: what I need, what I can give, as well as what I can't give and boundaries that need to be respected.

It's a process. A hard one. A thorny one. Not a linear one: a "good" day gives way to a "bad" one, and so on. But just keep riding the waves and you'll continue to get to calmer waters.

How are you getting along, Idontevenkno?

Yesterday was a really good day for me, felt positive all day. I've been struggling to eat for the 3 weeks since this all happened and yesterday my appetite came back a little, so that must mean something.

I've managed to keep to no contact since the weekend with no real urge to break it, I'm quite angry at him now for how he's treated me and his lack of accepting any responsibility for the break up.

I felt a little sad when I woke up but nothing too bad. I'm hoping today is another positive day.

I read somewhere that it takes about 3 weeks for your brain to adjust chemically to the shock of a break up and go through withdrawal, about 6 weeks for the worst feelings to be gone and 11 weeks until to feel somewhat normal..I'm not sure how much truth is in it but the thought of that is keeping me positive.

How are you coping today?

I've managed to keep to no contact since the weekend with no real urge to break it, I'm quite angry at him now for how he's treated me and his lack of accepting any responsibility for the break up.

Yes, when heart cools down we are better able to not be so influenced by intense emotion, and a more balanced view emerges. In those initial stages of heartbreak, we do all we can to stop it from happening, including a lot of self-sacrifice. I feel similar to you in some ways - as the fog clears I am thinking of myself more and my own healing. I don't have the same issues though as you, and my relationship wasn't very long in comparison - I was never treated badly and there was mutual investment in the relationship for most of its duration; I do feel that I deserved more compassion and explanation though, and this is what is popping up for me now. This seems to be the case for you. I hope you continue to have good days, but it is wise, I think, to prepare oneself for the fact that the waves of distress are not gone yet. In my experience, once the other party leaves the building, a certain depth of empathy (and the person we knew) goes with them into the night. It is rather painful amongst all the other pains.

Yeah, weekends tend to be when I break down so dreading this weekend as feel like it might come back to bite me, but I'll just deal with it as it comes and keep myself as busy as possible

Just came back and read this as I'm feeling bad about things again today.

Reading it I feel as though I am delusional and that I could never have felt happy that day and that I'm just kidding myself.

Im not a crying mess like I was last week, but just sad and missing having him around and to talk to.

"They're just waves, let them run their course and the clarity will come back." How true.

I went to my doctor and was prescribed Lexipro for depression this morning. I drove around town all morning running errands and feeling terrible, I stopped at the drug store and picked up the new prescription and didn't even wait till I got home to pop one in my mouth. I had to a lot of work to do but went to bed instead. Within 15 minutes I was asleep and felt waves of pleasure running through my brain, I'm assuming from the Lexipro, although I've been on it before and never remember it feeling like this. I had a solid hour and a half of bliss only to be awoken by a text from her. She wanted me to congratulate her on finally becoming a licensed therapist and she sent a picture of the license. I looked at the text and went back to sleep for another half hour.

I 'm also trying meditation with a free app called "HeadSpace" and it helps to take me to another place for 10 minutes at a time.

The Text was the girlfriend who just broke up with me.

Then at 5:00pm I had to go get my daughters who I have 50/50 custody of. I drove 35 minutes to get them and was informed I would only get one daughter for the next 4 days. Court order and visitations schedule be damned, My ex-wife just doesn't care about court orders and seems to get away with it. The police don't care, they say it's a family court issue. The Judge usually tells me that since she stole them and had them more time that I have to pay additional child support because the kids spent more time with the mother.

Sometimes you just can't win.

I don't think you were delusional. There is just going to be a real mix of feelings as time goes on, which includes a lot of doubt and confusion. It's going to be erratic but you will find a way through the maze of feelings eventually. It is the same with me - I was okay for a few days and experienced forgiveness and understanding, then I woke up full of pain and also quite angry - I doubted whether the earlier feelings were real and that I had been kidding myself. But when the mists clear, a deeper truth and clarity arrives that is a lot more harmonious and equitable. We just need to trust that this will happen. Has he been in touch again?

No we haven't spoken again but I think his last contact really set me back. I'm just done with this feeling, it's been a month now and sometimes it feels like it's never going to get better.

I'm struggling to eat again and my motivation for doing anything other than the day to day tasks I need to do is at an all time low.

Knowing the weekend is approaching is scaring me also as that's when I feel at my worst, all of my friends are busy at weekends so I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts

"the weekend is approaching is scaring me also as that's when I feel at my worst, all of my friends are busy at weekends so I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts"

You have to force yourself to go out and do something, anything. Take a long walk at a park, ride a bike, join a gym,. Trust me from experience, lying in bed doesn't solve anything and just makes things worse. I know because I laid in bed for almost a year and in that year I did not move forward and the longer you take to get back to where you were before the more you miss out on. I threw away 3 years of my life morning my divorce and feeling sorry for myself. I'm still far from healed, but I know if I don't change I'll be stuck in this rut forever.

Get out and do something, no matter how hard it is.

Still feeling rubbish today. 5 minutes here and there of distraction. Went out for a bit but it seems to make me feel worse, like doing things in the real world makes you realise they're gone.

I've gone back to hoping he will contact me and wondering what he's thinking. Does he feel the same way I do when he's on his own, does he think about me as much as I do him. Will he come around and realise that he does want to be with me. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way but it's just hard when I miss him so much.

This is the longest I've managed to maintain no contact since the break up, only by a few hours but I guess that's something. Maybe this is a good thing as usually when I get to this point I've broke and contacted him, and I'm not going to do that so I must be healing and accepting more than previously