Was this the best way to deal with rejection and how should I react now ?

Hi guys,

Yes, I have been recently rejected by this wonderful woman at work. I will cut the chase and will admit that my way of approaching was out of the blue. However, she was the one sending me all the mixed signals and I just reacted to them. You guys might be wondering maybe all of these mixed signals were just in my head. I also believed that at first but then my friends told me, ''Oh no we saw all of that and she definitely was open to all of your advances and was also flirting with you''. So she basically was sending me mixed signals without even realizing it. I get it.

We were at this bar, dancing, and I just came clean and told her that she looks absolutely gorgeous, to which she replied I like you too but I didn't even let her finish and went in the for kiss. That was a bad choice from my side. She backed away and I realized from that moment that she was just not interested. She told me that, its not appropriate since we work at the same place and have the same group of friends (who saw everything going on). I accepted my defeat and told her to take it as a compliment.

I decided to move on from this and then she started sending me 'pity messages'. In her head when she saw me she might have been thinking, ''Aw I broke his heart and I feel so guilty about it''. However, I am still moving on with this in my head, ''So this specific woman rejected me out of billions and billions of other women out there, no big deal and I will get over it''. I want to move on but to me it seems like that she wants to buy me that ticket to board her ''friendzone train, which I will never do !

My intentions were never to become friends with her but to ask her out on a date so that she could get to know me better from there. But I kind of screwed all of it up. I have only known her for a month or two.

I just don't want to pretend to fake our friendship so this is what I wrote to her after she sent me one of those pity messages once again, ''I think you are an amazing person but I just can't pretend to be your friend while in reality I want to date you. Give me a call or text me if you ever get interested in that, I'd love to see you again. I just can't pretend to be a fake friend, take care''.

She replied back saying, ''Take care''

Was this the right way ? I mean I can't just sit around and let her force all of this into a friendship. She is not into me, I get it, but that doesn't mean that I have to force myself into a friendship that I had no intentions for in the first place.

How should I behave now in front of my group when she is around ? I mean I will be polite and friendly to her (Just going to be hi and bye)

I respect my self value and won't settle for less in life...

Personally, I think that there are two options.

The first option is what you did. You let her know that you aren’t interested in friendship and you basically cut her off. It might be a little awkward at work - but just forget about her. You don’t have to ignore her or be weird, just don’t go out of your way to talk to her. This very likely won’t get you the girl, but you also don’t risk getting strung on in any way.

The second option is a little harder but you may find it more rewarding (but you also have to be strong). The second option is to swallow your ego. Not everything in life is black and white. She may genuinely like you and may even be attracted to you, but she’s not into dating people she works with. That’s a thing (personally, I’m the same way). You likely won’t work for the same company for the rest of your lives. It usually doesn’t go that way. You can see her messages as ‘pity’, but I doubt that’s what it is. It could be an attempt to make things less awkward after the incident... I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to be her friend? You don’t need to be besties but it would make work and life more fun. As long as you can remember (and internalize) that she is not interested despite any mixed messages she may give (assume she just likes attention and is a flirt). If you can switch your mindset to that so that you don’t keep your hopes up, then I would think this is the better route. As a bonus, that confidence to be able to just shrug it off is sexy and you never know what could happen later in life (but don’t hold your breath).

I think it’s good that you refuse to be strung along. But... not wanting to be friends, being awkward, etc - that’s probably more about your hurt ego, no? Unless you are really, really in love with her and it would be too hard... but seeing as you have not known her long and never dated, is that the case?

No contact, avoid her and if unavoidable, this is fine:

I will be polite and friendly to her (Just going to be hi and bye)

Personally, I think that there are two options.

 

The first option is what you did. You let her know that you aren’t interested in friendship and you basically cut her off. It might be a little awkward at work - but just forget about her. You don’t have to ignore her or be weird, just don’t go out of your way to talk to her. This very likely won’t get you the girl, but you also don’t risk getting strung on in any way.

 

The second option is a little harder but you may find it more rewarding (but you also have to be strong). The second option is to swallow your ego. Not everything in life is black and white. She may genuinely like you and may even be attracted to you, but she’s not into dating people she works with. That’s a thing (personally, I’m the same way). You likely won’t work for the same company for the rest of your lives. It usually doesn’t go that way. You can see her messages as ‘pity’, but I doubt that’s what it is. It could be an attempt to make things less awkward after the incident... I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to be her friend? You don’t need to be besties but it would make work and life more fun. As long as you can remember (and internalize) that she is not interested despite any mixed messages she may give (assume she just likes attention and is a flirt). If you can switch your mindset to that so that you don’t keep your hopes up, then I would think this is the better route. As a bonus, that confidence to be able to just shrug it off is sexy and you never know what could happen later in life (but don’t hold your breath).

 

I think it’s good that you refuse to be strung along. But... not wanting to be friends, being awkward, etc - that’s probably more about your hurt ego, no? Unless you are really, really in love with her and it would be too hard... but seeing as you have not known her long and never dated, is that the case?

Thank you for your reply.

The entire point of this post was not to be friends with her. Anyhow, I do understand what you mean by it.

As a guy, I would like to be someone's priority and not an option. And even if she comes around with option number 2, I would always feel that I was never her first priority and along the way she may find her Mr. Perfect. Another issue with option number 2 is that even if I become friends with her, she might start dating and I will have to witness all of that in front of my eyes. I never was in love with her but I was actually really interested in her. She is amazing no doubt, has a solid personality. But when she told one of our common friends that ''I tried with her'' and that she really didn't know why, that was something that really annoyed me a bit. She knew exactly what was going on. She only invited me to that bar with her friends. Later onwards we joined our co-workers from work.

Option 1 leaves me with my head held high. I won't let things become awkward. I basically won't give her the attention as simple as it sounds. It's not an ego issue and I am not hurt by her rejecting me. I just have to move on in life and not get strung along in anyway even if it is as friends.

Well, now you both know where each of you stands. You can move on from this.

In the future, don't poop where you eat. Meaning: don't date coworkers. Everyone is in your business and if things don't work out well, they all will think they're owed an explanation. Just keep it simple and keep your private life outside the workplace and to yourself.

It's ok. There are plenty of girls out there who aren't in your friend group or coworkers. Forget this one and just act like a coworker. Start getting on dating apps and talking to and meeting girls who show more interest.

I just came clean and told her that she looks absolutely gorgeous, to which she replied I like you too but I didn't even let her finish and went in the for kiss. She backed away and I realized from that moment that she was just not interested. She told me that, its not appropriate since we work at the same place and have the same group of friends

You cannot expect to be a woman's "priority" before ever even having a date with her.

That's an unrealistic expectation and if you are cutting women off because of this, I don't see anything working out for you.

I said this in other thread but your intensity (and ego) sabotaged this.

You should have taken her up on her invite for coffee and used that as an opportunity to escalate!

And you read way too much into the word 'friendly" - I don't think she would have invited you if there had not been an interest (more than friendship).

Not sure what you can do now, I think you may have blown any opportunity to escalate with her now.

That said, approaching her and asking her, in a light-hearted way, if she is still up for that coffee may be a start in turning this around.

If she accepts, then use that an opportunity to flirt, create some tension, which builds attraction!

Take it from there!

If it doesn't work out , then oh well at least you tried and didn't abort mission before even starting, due to unrealistic expectations or ego.