Boyfriend’s Best Friend is a Girl- who used to think he loved her

So, I’ll start off with I’m not particularly the jealous type and I have a lot of close guy friends. I know it’s not realistic to ever tell my boyfriend not to hang out with a friend just because she was a girl, but this situation bothers me.

My sorority friend introduced me to her best friend last semester. I’ll call my friend Megan and her best friend Thomas. I was seeing someone at the time I first met them, and didn’t read too much into their relationship. Megan would say comments to me like “I’m so scared Thomas is just going to sit me down one day and profess his love for me and I’m not going to know what to say” and “All Thomas wants for his birthday is probably just to hook up with me” and “I’ll just get Thomas to pick us up from the bar, he’s obsessed with me, he does anything I ask.” At first I thought Megan may be a girl who thinks guy friends must be into her, but then I realized Megan and Thomas’s other best friend is a guy and she never said anything about this other friend.

Fast forward a few months and I had broken up with my boyfriend and needed a date to a party. Megan said Thomas could go, so I asked Thomas, and we hit it off. We’ve been dating 8 months since then and I love him and he loves me. We’ve had to do long distance for most of it, but we haven’t had that many issues. Over the summer Megan would fly to visit Thomas and they went on a few road trips together and I just wrote it off as they’re best friends and I couldn’t afford to go on these trips anyway.

Megan and Thomas studied abroad this semester and have been in Italy together for 4 months so far. I went and visited them in October and noticed some red flags from Thomas. He talks about Megan all the time, would invite her to hang out with us all the time when that was our time together and they had class all day together anyways and he would sort of light up around her in that he laughed more and talked more and seemed to be enjoying his time more when he was with her. I tried to tell myself that I talk about my best friend a lot too and maybe he wants her to hang out with us because he knows I’m also friends with her. I came home and never mentioned anything about it. I also know that I trust both Thomas and Megan and know that Thomas would never cheat on me.

Last week I decided to finally talk to him about their relationship. I had a friend make a comment to me about how much Megan used to talk about how much Thomas was into her and I got really insecure about it all over again. I decided to talk to Thomas about it, so I called him and told him some of the things she used to say and he assured me that she was delusional, he has never had feelings for her, and she’s his best friend but I’m the one he is interested in. Even with all of this for some reason I feel like he’s secretly in love with her and I may be his second choice since she wasn’t interested in him. On the other hand I feel like these are my insecurities talking because Megan is beautiful, very smart, hilarious, and they have a lot in common and are in all of the same classes. I know Megan is fun because I was friends with her way before I met Thomas. My fear is that she is closer to him than I’ll ever be and secretly he may prefer her company.

Am I being insecure and crazy or should I have a reason to be worried?

Well, I'm more worried that you don't have much of a relationship with Thomas. You said you were together for 8 months, but then you said most of that time was online. An online relationship is not the same as dating. How much time have you really been with him? It doesn't seem like very long. You barely know him. Your friend Megan is with him constantly so he has a real relationship with her.

Until there's a time when you actually live in the same town as Thomas and really date, I don't see much of a chance of having a relationship with him, so it really doesn't matter what's happening with Megan. If it all sorts itself out and you're really going out with Thomas, you might have to accept that he has an emotional relationship with Megan and he comes as a package deal, him and Megan. If that's too much for you to handle, then you should cut the relationship off now.

Love triangles never end well.

I would NEVER date anyone that hung out together like those two do. I say break up with him and find someone that doesn't have a need to have two women in his life. Someone close enough to you so that you can actually nurture your relationship as a couple.

Let him have her. *I suspect that their relationship is going to cause a problem in every romantic coupling he has unless he finds a chick who has a need for two men in her life and they'd not care that the other is out on date like activities with their 'friend.'

You have a reason to be worried because Megan seems to think Thomas is nuts about her. and even if Thomas doesn't want Megan as a girlfriend, he spends an inordinate amount of time with her - she doesn't fade into the background when you visit. If you continue with Thomas, you are essentially dating both. Will you be in the same place and not long distance at some point?

You have a reason to be worried because Megan seems to think Thomas is nuts about her. and even if Thomas doesn't want Megan as a girlfriend, he spends an inordinate amount of time with her - she doesn't fade into the background when you visit. If you continue with Thomas, you are essentially dating both. Will you be in the same place and not long distance at some point?

I agree with your point. And yes, he’ll be back for good in about a month.

He told me once his last serious girlfriend had a problem with him having friends that were girls, specifically Megan. He referred to her as controlling, but I’m beginning to see why she felt that way. Thanks for the response!