Step-dad feeling left out/jealous?

I'm a male student (20). I moved out of my home to live closer to uni for about a year, but I'm living with my mom and step-dad now for financial reasons. The family dynamic has obviously changed and there's clearly a need for some readjustment at home, since I'm living in the house again.

I have always had a good relationship with my step-dad, I think he's a better parent than my biological father ever was. Recently, however, he's been very moody. I know him to speak his mind when there's a problem, and confrontations never really flare up between us. He has been mumbling to himself, especially at night, and I can hear him from my bedroom cursing occasionally and when he sleeps sometimes he yells things. He never sleeps in the bedroom with my mom, he's always on the couch, I don't know why and I've never asked.

We don't speak anymore. I haven't done anything to upset him that I know of. If I ask him anything then he gives me very short answers, without looking at me. Sometimes he ignores me completely if I greet him or say goodnight. The worst thing lately is when I'm talking to my mom around him, he starts to mumble to himself. I can see him shaking his head and he doesn't acknowledge me or try to join the conversation. When I'm not in the room then he will talk to my mom without a problem.

It's as if he's just waiting for me to go to my room each night so he can have my mom to himself. I don't mind too much, I know he's a sensitive person and he needs to vent every night about work or whatever. I just wish I didn't have to feel like a stranger at home. Please help, I don't understand his behavior. I think it's either me that's doing something wrong, or he's jealous of my relationship with my mom. Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

Wow, that sounds really odd. I'd be worried if I heard someone I knew mumbling to himself. Why do you think it has something to do with you? Has he always slept on the couch, or is this just since you've been home.

Wow, that sounds really odd. I'd be worried if I heard someone I knew mumbling to himself. Why do you think it has something to do with you? Has he always slept on the couch, or is this just since you've been home.

yeah I thought that jibs ? is he errmmmm poorly ? In the mental health department

I think you and mum need to have a good chat and see what she has to say about all of this ...there is a part of the story missing for you and your mum is the only one who can fill in the gaps and shine some light on this .

He's always slept on the couch. The rest has mostly been since I got home. I always thought he was a bit immature in some ways. My mom is aware of his behavior, but we don't really talk about it. I've always been close to my mom, I'm an only child and she was a single parent for about 10 years.

Maybe you should talk to your mom about it. Like Pippy says, it could be related to his mental health. Something may have happened while you were gone & she could fill you in.

Could it be that he didn't disagree with you moving in with him and your mom again? Also, because she was a single mom with you, does she put you first ahead of him a lot? (i mean, its not like having a 2 year old whose physical needs to be first). I suggest moving out, honestly, and leaving them to their dynamics.=

Jibralta and Pip. I think my mom would have told me if anything significant happened that I knew of. Broken, I agree, if I had the money I'd be out of here in a flash. I just wish I could at least eat dinner without feeling like an enemy. It can't be easy having me back home, but I'm sure they can manage till I have a bit of independence again. She usually will take my side, but that's what mom's do right? She treats him just as well as she treats me though, as far as I can tell.

Jibralta and Pip. I think my mom would have told me if anything significant happened that I knew of. Broken, I agree, if I had the money I'd be out of here in a flash. I just wish I could at least eat dinner without feeling like an enemy. It can't be easy having me back home, but I'm sure they can manage till I have a bit of independence again. She usually will take my side, but that's what mom's do right? She treats him just as well as she treats me though, as far as I can tell.

Oh heck no- -- her husband is her husband and she should NOT always be taking your side. She and her husband should be a united front on things. I know of a few people where the mom was a single mom and the child and the mom treat themselves as more of the "couple" than the mom and new husband.

See if you can get financial aid to live in the dorm or get a job to move out with a couple of guys.

Definitely sounds like an illness that originates in the brain, causing certain emotional and maybe physical impulses/experiences.

Your mom might welcome such a conversation with you. It might be a way of validating something she has been trying to process for herself.

Important to think of mental illness as physical in origin. It helps in tone and content, so that she hears your words as caring ones.

For my part, when I have a dramatic hormonal shift, I can be as surly as a bad drunk. It feels entirely beyond my control, though I am among the most resilient of the people I know. I have been given awards and commendations for my upbeat manner, and I have raised two thoughtful, steady, successful children with almost no yelling at home even when conflict arises. Yet the hormone days are incredibly powerful. So, if it is a physical illness of the brain, its impacts seem like a choice but may be the result of misfiring synapses and atypical chemical concentrations over or understimulating parts of the brain. How can one think differently, with the same brain that is ill? Do we walk firmly on a broken leg?

(My little PSA.)

 

Your mom might welcome such a conversation with you. It might be a way of validating something she has been trying to process for herself.

 

The problem, though, is becoming mom's confidante. The balance is already skewed somewhat in the mother-son dynamic. I might say something after you move. Maybe just point out what you observed vs trying to play therapist.

If you were close, can't you just talk to him? You are a man now, not a child, so putting mom in it doesn't make sense to me.

The problem, though, is becoming mom's confidante. The balance is already skewed somewhat in the mother-son dynamic. I might say something after you move. Maybe just point out what you observed vs trying to play therapist.

I agree, its just a stick to the facts conversation. Imagine the person on the couch were a cousin, or moms friend from high school.

"Mom, does he talk in his sleep maybe? I heard... but actually, it seemed like he was awake." Maybe that's enough and if she says nothing further, then leave it alone?