My boyfriend doesn't want sex with me anymore

My boyfriend [19M] and I [20F] have been together almost 2 years, been living together for about a year. When we first got together we had sex all the time and we're both into trying a lot of different things sexually. Over the last few months I've noticed he's slowly stopped trying to instigate sex, and when I try to he will subtly roll over onto his front so I can't touch him, or he'll pretend to feel ill or too tired so I'll leave him alone. It hurts so much every time. Is he just not attracted to me anymore? It makes me want to stop trying but if I stop trying we may well never have sex again. The only time he will ever make a move is if I tried the previous night and he blew me off and he feels guilty about upsetting me. I don't want to pressure him into something he doesn't want to do, and I love him so I don't want to leave him, but I don't think I can take much more of this. Any ideas?

Yes, tell him that this is bothering you. Having a healthy sex life is a big part of the relationship. If you two are sexually incompatible then things are going to continue to go south. Or something else is going on that I can only speculate on. Either way, you have to have this conversation, despite how difficult it is to find out whats going on.

I agree with Jeetsun - this is a conversation you need to have.

How infrequently is sex happening these days? Has anything changed in his life that could affect his sex drive? (stress, financial worries, health issues, and so on)

Sometimes it really is just a matter of fading interest, but even if that's the case, you need to know.

We probably have sex once every week-two weeks, which doesn't sound that bad, but not long ago we were having sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I would expect that to decrease somewhat overtime as the initial excitment of a new partner was off but it seems like he'd be perfectly happy not having sex at all! And as far as changes go, nothing has changed as far as I'm aware. He's in the same job, and he's in perfect health, so the only thing I can think of is that he's finally realised I'm not good enough for him

the only thing I can think of is that he's finally realised I'm not good enough for him

Please don't think like that! Obviously there's something bothering him and you definately need to talk to him and find out what's wrong.

We probably have sex once every week-two weeks, which doesn't sound that bad, but not long ago we were having sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I would expect that to decrease somewhat overtime as the initial excitment of a new partner was off but it seems like he'd be perfectly happy not having sex at all! And as far as changes go, nothing has changed as far as I'm aware. He's in the same job, and he's in perfect health, so the only thing I can think of is that he's finally realised I'm not good enough for him

Why is this your mindset? Where is your confidence?

Quick backstory: my last relationship before this was really toxic, he spent all his time telling me how to "improve". I'd be prettier with my hair this way, or I should do my make up that way. I was never good enough. My confidence was rock bottom by the time we ended, and I can feel it slipping back there now because I feel so unattractive being brushed off all the time.

How's everything else in the relationship going? How long exactly has this relative drought been going on for? How are the finances split with you two living together? Have your insecurity been presenting itself and affecting your relationship prior to this tapering off?

9 times out of 10, issues with physical intimacy have little to do with sex itself. It's usually a symptom of discontent with other aspects of the relationship or some matter of depression or emotional slump on his end. It's worth having a conversation to get to the bottom of what it might be a consequence of rather than putting him in a defensive position by asking, "why don't you want to have sex with me?"

If I had to guess, there's a whole lot more context than we're getting here.

Everything else is great, he still makes me laugh, and we spend a lot of time together but spend a healthy amount of time separately with our own friends too. We split all of our bills 50/50.

The amount of sex we've been having has been reducing for a few months now, but it's been really minimal for maybe the last 6 works or so.

I felt like my self confidence had really been improving but it's getting really difficult not to wonder if I am the problem here, and it just makes me hyper aware of all my flaws.

If I mention it he doesn't take it seriously, it's like he doesn't see the problem, just brushes off. I don't want to push him because I suppose it must be just as uncomfortable for him to talk about as it is for me.

Instead of making the discussion about sex, have a relationship discussion. Ask what he likes about the relationship, and what improvements he'd like. You can also give your input, but avoid the sex issue for now. Ask if there's anything he'd like changed about the chores distribution. Maybe you can get some insight if he's angry or upset about something, since that often is the reason a partner doesn't want to have sex with you. If you have a habit of talking down about yourself, make sure you stop. It's not pleasant to be around someone who does this. If you can't love yourself, it's hard for anyone else to.

If you can't get any answers from him, I'd maybe try spending a little more time apart. Perhaps get a new hobby or join a gym. See if he misses you, or if he likes the space and is letting the relationship slide. Know that if he's no longer invested in the relationship, it's not because he's better than you. Sometimes people fall out of love because it just happens or they stopped putting in the effort and were lazy, or because they should've spoken up about things that bothered them at the time, but didn't, and they let it fester.

If the relationship isn't meant to be, you will be just fine after grieving because you've kept your support group of friends, and it means fate has someone else in store for you. If he values the relationship, he will communicate what's going on and work with you on a plan to fix what's broken. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Hi OP

I agree with J man this isn't just about sex. I would have a serious conversation with him about what is on his mind.

There is something he is feeling or not divulging to you, that's important to know.

He may be uncomfortable but you have to be able to talk about these things. Or you have no relationship since communication is essential.

Lisa