Husband isn't attracted to me

My husband and I have been together for 7 years now. We're only married for 3. He is a great man and he loves me very much. He's just not very attracted to my body. I don't consider myself fat but I'm not thin either. He told me and compared me to all the thin girls out there including people in our lives a few years even before we got married. It was so bad till the day before the wedding that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it. The look he's given them when they were in his sight vs how he almost never gave me any i want you look it's just too hurtful. He's trying hard we fought so much about me going nuts when he looked at other girls and he stopped. The comparison stopped. But wére so uncomfortable when a thin girl passed by. I got so paranoid that their presence hurts me. I don't even want sex anymore. When it happens it's very rare and it's me making out with a lot of his body. He doesn't even want to look at me naked. He's done the world for me and he stopped all the comparisons but every time he looked at me it was never desire and all I could see is his disgust by my body. I confronted him he said he didn't look at me that way. He knows what I look like he doesn't need to judge, it's not like it's a surprise to him what i look like. He's not with me for the body. I always tried to make us go and see the couple therapy but he couldn't care or believe any less in them. I don't know what to do. Should i ignore the fact that he's not into me physically but he loves me and he's given me so much except that part of him? I have no more tears to cry. Please help

You had misgivings before the wedding, so getting married was a mistake in the first place.

Aside from that, you are able to change you body. Why don't you workout and eat healthier? If you are not fat then it is not that difficult to obtain an aesthetically pleasing body.

hi there.

your not fat, but you're not thin either. without going in to too much detail would it be fair to say you're average build?

just out of interest what shape is your husband in? are we talking Brad Pitt in fight club? Arnold Schwarznegger in Pumping Iron?

he should NEVER compare you to other girls. that to me is a terrible thing to do.

if you think there is something wrong with our body by all means do something about it. if you are happy with the way you look then dont. if you want to change your shape a sensible healthy diet and execise would sort you out no problem.

as dias said, there were misgivings before this wedding. would you consider therapy?

good luck

This sounds very similar to my sister's past relationship but opposite. Her husband thought she was too skinny and wanted a thicker girl. My sister was very insecure about how thin she was, especially since she caught him looking at other girls and he'd even be so bold as to point out this "flaw" by making comments about her looks in offhand ways. Like you, they had some issues before getting married and they only got worse after marriage. I lived with them for a year because they were having money issues and needed some help. It was a nightmare, to say the least, because she never felt good enough and no matter how much he said she was she couldn't forget what he'd done and what he'd said. When it comes to body image, if there's one thing that I've noticed its that once someone insults the way you look or makes you feel as though you're not good enough... you never get over it. It'll always be something that's on the back of your mind. Even if you were to work out (which you should only do if you have a problem with how you look or if you think it'll help your marriage and that's what you want) you might still continue to think he's not attracted to you even if he says he is. I think you need to ask yourself some really tough questions (like what you want and if you can live the way you are for the rest of your life) and be honest with yourself when you answer them, which is actually a lot harder than it seems. If it means anything, my sister has been separated from her husband for three years now and STILL worries about how she looks and if other men will think she's too skinny. That to me shows how serious negative remarks made by a lover can be and how much they can hurt someone. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope it gets better for you.

I would suggest that you workout and start developing yourself. Not for your husband but for yourself. You have to take care and love yourself, gain confidence.

Once I was ignored by a guy because I gained so much weight. I cried for a night, then woke up and immediately went to the gym and decided to live beautifully and healthy. During that time, I released all my emotions and negative vibes. After few months, I saw the difference. I may not continue to see the same guy but I gained strength and confidence. It helped me to advance professionally.

Let your tears drop. Then, get up. Be beautiful not only for your husband but also for yourself.

Another alternative, you can enroll to a yoga class not only for physical appearance but also for you to attain internal peace and harmony.

It's actually a bit difficult to tell from just a post how much of this can be laid at your husband's feet and how much of it is your very own very skewed perceptions due to your personal insecurities and issues. I think it would be interesting to hear your husband's side of the story. Since he is not here, all I can tell you is that maybe you need to seek out some counseling for yourself personally to work on your self esteem issues. It's hard to feel hot and heavy toward someone who is so insecure. So your own low feelings are affecting your sexual appeal, NOT your body type. Sexual appeal has a lot more to do with your attitude, charisma, fun, confidence, energy than how you look.

Unfortunately, he's been this way since before you were married, so he's not likely to change. And it sounds like you probably look pretty much the same since before he married you, so it doesn't sound like you've gained a lot of weight, or changed.

So you both married each other, knowing this: he wants a thinner girl but married you, and you knew he wanted a thinner girl, but you married him.

I suspect you could work out and diet till the cows come home, and he'll always find someone prettier and thinner. Because there always is.

This is, unfortunately, what your marriage is. He is just never going to be completely attracted to you. I also suspect that even if you were to divorce, and he found a woman with the most amazing body ever, that he'd continue to look at even better girls. GIGS = Grass is Greener Syndrome.

I have a friend with the most unbelievable body you've ever seen in your life. Heads turn, drinks get sent over. She had a boyfriend who, on the first time seeing her banging body in a bikini, looked at her thighs. She could tell he was looking at them, and she made a comment about how she wished they were even more toned, and he said, "Yeah, I was wondering about that too." She rushed (literally, within weeks) to have liposuction for the minutest bit of....I'm not sure even what it was they sucked out, as I never could see any fat. He broke up with her shortly thereafter and moved on to a fitness model, and then to a spin teacher....you get the point. GIGS.

Knight, I'm 5f1 106-107lbs. I got bigger lower body but it's just how I was built. I gain muscle legs very easily. I've been going to the gym for almost 4 years now. i have about 23% body fat which is perfect according to the instructor and I'm 35 with more energy than a 20. I eat a lot of veggies since I'm from Asia. I don't starve myself but I eat well enough I'd say. Still eat bread and pizza every now and then or sweet but I'm not a bad eater by anyway. I can't seem to loose weight that's my problem. I think this is where my body is comfortable at. I move about 10k steps per day because of my job. He doesn't believe in therapy because he used to have depression and they weren't very helpful. He fought through it himself. He's more giving and considerate than most people in my life. This is his attraction preference and he handled it so badly.

I was bigger when I met him. Things started to take a turn when he saw I could loose weight when I initially told him I couldn't since I was always a chubby girl. I changed my job from desk to feet. I'd always had some insecurities but I think we all do about certain part of our bodies but I'd always felt good overall. I've had guys telling me flirting with me and even froze and kept staring at me. Even till now I got hit on all the time even by young guys in their 20s. People turned their heads when I dress up. I just couldn't get him to look at me that way. He used to look at me so badly we fought and he ended up rather look away when he saw me sometimes. I know he's given me the world and loves me more than anyone will ever but I just don't know if I could live with the lack of his attraction and affection. He doesn't want counciling and we don't want to share this drama with our family so I got no one to tell this too and that's why I'm here looking for wisdom

Knight, I'm 5f1 106-107lbs.

You could weigh 83 lbs, and he'd still think you're fat.

He's looking for a reason to not be attracted to you. Give him one: your butt walking out the door.

I do feel insecure about my lower body and he's told me forever that he's an ass and legs guy but he picked me because of my smile and how well we get a long. He said he's attracted to me but just not the lower part of me and he rather not touch those parts of me and focus on what he likes about me. These have been his words. He's said for many years that the only reason he looks at other girls because they're thin. If I was thinner he'd stop looking at them. He used to call me names when I put food in my plates and checking how much food I was eating but he stops all that now but things got so uncomfortable with food and I can still feel he's still judging me when I eat although he's not saying it anymore. I'm just so scared around him and food. It never stops me from eating completely but I would just eat whatever I want around him. I'm just not free in that way. I used to be a lot more confident physically with him but after all these years every time Theresa a skinny girl i know he's attracted to them. I'm just not attractive at all in his eyes and that shows in his lack of physical affection with me. We used to go for 6 months without sex or even holding hands and i caught him jerking of to skinny porn girls. He said me being 5'1 107 lbs is 20lbs too heavy compare to my sister who's a bit shorter and 90lbs. He loves and gives me the world except he can't give me this. He doesn't do this bullying anymore but I think everything is too broken and he just put it all under the rag as if nothing has ever happened. I think and live it most days and can't seem to move on

This is unbelievable.

If you were asking for advice, I'd tell you to leave him and find someone who thinks you're gorgeous just the way you are. Because you are.

I do feel insecure about my lower body and he's told me forever that he's an ass and legs guy but he picked me because of my smile and how well we get a long. He said he's attracted to me but just not the lower part of me and he rather not touch those parts of me and focus on what he likes about me. These have been his words. He's said for many years that the only reason he looks at other girls because they're thin. If I was thinner he'd stop looking at them. He used to call me names when I put food in my plates and checking how much food I was eating but he stops all that now but things got so uncomfortable with food and I can still feel he's still judging me when I eat although he's not saying it anymore. I'm just so scared around him and food. It never stops me from eating completely but I would just eat whatever I want around him. I'm just not free in that way. I used to be a lot more confident physically with him but after all these years every time Theresa a skinny girl i know he's attracted to them. I'm just not attractive at all in his eyes and that shows in his lack of physical affection with me. We used to go for 6 months without sex or even holding hands and i caught him jerking of to skinny porn girls. He said me being 5'1 107 lbs is 20lbs too heavy compare to my sister who's a bit shorter and 90lbs. He loves and gives me the world except he can't give me this. He doesn't do this bullying anymore but I think everything is too broken and he just put it all under the rag as if nothing has ever happened. I think and live it most days and can't seem to move on

Please please get yourself into counseling.

At 5'1" and 107 lbs you are in fact thin. Very thin. If you were 20 lbs less you'd be anorexic looking skeleton and quite the opposite of attractive. You saying that you are average or even fat is absurd and your obsession with skinny is beyond unhealthy.

Please please get counseling, help yourself. Others who know what they are talking about have told you that you are thin but you don't get it. You have severe and distorted self image issues.

DancingFool I'm thin upper body but I got big butt and leg. Not well distributed and definitely not thin bottom like most Asians. Thanks to my dad and grandma. My husband is a leg and ass guy. I actually feel a lot more confident when I'm alone and he's not around. I'm just terrified of men and relationships these days. I feel like I might have nothing if wére over but I'd be at piece. I never focused on my physics my entire life until i met him. I'd always been about what I've done and who I am till he showed up. He's bald and thin and fit enough but nowhere near Brad Pittish and I've never been a shallow person at all. To me he has the sweetest face and he's a really nice and kind human being since day one and his physical flaw lasted about 5 minutes to me when we met. Point is I'm very physically healthy and even the doct said so. Except I've never been the one he's attracted to and he's made it very black and white clear; not an oz of white lie or sugar coat

DancingFool I'm thin upper body but I got big butt and leg. Not well distributed and definitely not thin bottom like most Asians. Thanks to my dad and grandma. My husband is a leg and ass guy. I actually feel a lot more confident when I'm alone and he's not around. I'm just terrified of men and relationships these days. I feel like I might have nothing if wére over but I'd be at piece. I never focused on my physics my entire life until i met him. I'd always been about what I've done and who I am till he showed up. He's bald and thin and fit enough but nowhere near Brad Pittish and I've never been a shallow person at all. To me he has the sweetest face and he's a really nice and kind human being since day one and his physical flaw lasted about 5 minutes to me when we met. Point is I'm very physically healthy and even the doct said so. Except I've never been the one he's attracted to and he's made it very black and white clear; not an oz of white lie or sugar coat

Then why on earth have you been with him so many years and even married him? Look, if you had the self confidence that you think you do, you'd have either kicked him out of your life long ago or would laugh in his face about his nasty little comments. Instead you are allowing him to eat away at whatever is left of your self esteem and it has become an obsessive problem. You say that you have a big butt and he is an ass man....so I mean he would be attracted to that precisely and not to skinny planks without a curve in sight.

Please please I'm begging you, go to counseling for yourself, for your own health and well being of mind. Your thinking is very convoluted, you are not in a good place, you are very very down on yourself about your body in a pretty extreme way. Whether this is your husband's fault or not, you need to help yourself address your self perception. Get help.

I mean he's only into girl with thin legs and ass. He doesn't care if the face is average or the boobs are small. Maybe I painted him in such a bad light. He's a flawed human being like the rest of us and this is his. It's also the culture we're in these days. He's done so much for me or anything for me that no one did or ever will. I still love him very much but I'm so resentful as well. He's the kind of person who almost never said no to anyone even a begger on the street. He'd die for me. That's why I'm trying to figure out how can I make this work.

I mean he's only into girl with thin legs and ass. He doesn't care if the face is average or the boobs are small. Maybe I painted him in such a bad light. He's a flawed human being like the rest of us and this is his. It's also the culture we're in these days. He's done so much for me or anything for me that no one did or ever will. I still love him very much but I'm so resentful as well. He's the kind of person who almost never said no to anyone even a begger on the street. He'd die for me. That's why I'm trying to figure out how can I make this work.

That's why I keep telling you to talk to a therapist. What you describe is not quite congruent and some of it may be you, some him, some both. But you need to do something to clear your mind and move forward mentally and emotionally and it doesn't seem like you are able to do it on your own. Also, no it's not the culture we live in. Most red blooded men I know like a bit of meat on their lady and aren't really attracted to a plank. There is what the media feeds you and then there is reality. I think you need to talk to someone who is more objective and can help figure your way out of this and see other perspectives besides the one you are stuck in. What you believe becomes your reality and it can get really tricky to get out of it and change course without help. Get help and guidance because where you are now is a pretty miserable place to be in.