Do you have a strained relationship with a parent? How do you cope?

If you read through my previous posts (and please... you don't have to) you may find that I post about my mother lately who lives with me. She lives with me because she is frankly troubled and has been dealing with a few years of income volatility. So I invited her to live with me in order to have a safe space and figure her next life step. It is temporary. I may seek government assistance for her soon.

So this is never what I wanted in an ideal world. Either way we have our issues and I used to want to try to figure out how to provide for her and hope to make her happy. I realize now that I am unable to do that. As I am now an adult and deal with her regularly, I realize very profoundly that her unhappiness is not an issue anyone can resolve except for herself.

So I've given up on trying to make her a happy, content person.

My question is this: as she gets older she may get sadder and angrier. She unloads that on me (and others). How should I cope with this? I'm not trying to fix her I just don't know how to deal with a parent who has always seemed so angry at me. It's hard to ignore. I wonder if some children out there have an easier time ignoring their troubled parents. It makes me want to drink. I sort of hate her.

Oscuro. I understand your mother is only in her fifties. And that she was looking for a non-demanding job of some kind.

You are quite correct. Only she can address whatever issues she has, for whatever reason, and as mentioned in other threads she would no doubt require professional help, as her situation seems to be complicated. That said it is unfair to you and not your job to be her fixer or therapist.

I don't know how you are going to cope. Has there been any progress on the quest to find her other accommodation (bearing in mind that her own home is let out).

You can't live your life like this, Oscuro.

Well, I think her immediate situation is separate from me finding healthy coping strategies. The reason I say that is because eventually she'll move out and our relationship will still be challenging--even if we live far away. I fear it will get worse if she continues to struggle with her sense of (un)happiness.

Our relationship was a bit awkward even when she lives hundreds of miles away.

So I'm just curious about how others handle strained relationships with parents. I'm not sure how to create a safe emotional distance OR if that is even a good idea.

Some information here and tips on how to deal.

A book.

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

by Susan Forward

"Most adult children of toxic parents grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. Their parents did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not what love is all about. Loving behaviour doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behaviour nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace.”

― Susan Forward,"

and

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

by Susan Forward

Susan has served as a therapist, consultant and instructor for almost every major Southern California psychiatric and medical facility and is recognized as one of the leading experts in the country on relationship and family issues. She has developed and honed a way of working with people that is incisive, compassionate, interactive and highly effective.

I have heard of that book. Thank you. I think I'll pick it up.

I have hesitated to believe my mother was a "toxic" parent. Although for many years her toxicity was at a far distance (because I moved far away)--on the horizon. Now it's snuck up on me and I can see that it's going to come back even more as she gets older. I guess I need to accept she may have been/is a toxic person.

Toxicity takes many forms, Oscuro.

It is well worth while having a look at some of these essays by a Dr. Richard Grossman

Toxicity takes many forms, Oscuro.

 

It is well worth while having a look at some of these essays by a Dr. Richard Grossman

 

 

 

That's a great essay. Thanks.

My mother was toxic to me but in a different way from yours. I would have died before I let her move in with me. She was the sole reason I moved out at 18 and then I promised myself I'd live in a cardboard box on the street before I'd ever move back home with her. I never did move home.

My coping method was to pretty much ignore her. I had as little contact as I could get away with. There'd be times she was ok with me and other time she was anything but. I got to the point where I wouldn't put up with any of her BS anymore and for the last 5 or yrs of her life we didnt speak to each other. It's far from an ideal way to deal with toxics in your life and we all react differently. I feel sorry for you because I know what it's like. I hope you get her some help and her own place to live.

My mother was toxic to me but in a different way from yours. I would have died before I let her move in with me. She was the sole reason I moved out at 18 and then I promised myself I'd live in a cardboard box on the street before I'd ever move back home with her. I never did move home.

 

My coping method was to pretty much ignore her. I had as little contact as I could get away with. There'd be times she was ok with me and other time she was anything but. I got to the point where I wouldn't put up with any of her BS anymore and for the last 5 or yrs of her life we didnt speak to each other. It's far from an ideal way to deal with toxics in your life and we all react differently. I feel sorry for you because I know what it's like. I hope you get her some help and her own place to live.

To a large extent I thought some of our conflicts were water under the bridge. I had matured and feel I can deal with these complicated emotions better. She has grown/changed _less_ than I have. So that's where the harsh reality is. Also I'm an only child and much of my mother issues are just her own inability to cope with her pain... and then she lashes out. I still have an ounce of sympathy for her but obviously she needs to move out.

Please don't use drinking as an escape. That will send you down a road you don't want to go down.

Please don't use drinking as an escape. That will send you down a road you don't want to go down.

Yeah, its certainly difficult some times.