Moving forward. Looking back?

-4 months ago two of my friends breakup after dating for two years.

-I was closer with the girl. Girl comes onto me one week later and I tell her no because she dated the friend.

-She asks me why that matters because they weren't dating anymore. I tell her that it'd be cruel and that there's no way she's even had time to process the good and bad of the relationship.

-I gently push her away but my other friend is dating her roommate and so we see each other often.

-A month later we're all hanging out, she gets drunk(Likes to drink) and tells me that she has to confess something. Tells me that she loved me from the day she saw me, but that she'd hooked up with the other guy and found herself in a relationship.

-I tell her I like her too, but that I still want to give that friend time and that if it were to go anywhere, I'd want to make it cool with him first. Her response? "What about him?" This was the first warning sign for me and it made me feel very nauseous when she said that. Because this was a guy she'd been with for 2+ years of her life, and suddenly he was nothing to her?

-She gets upset and demands that I have sex with her, I decline as people look on and make my way home.

-The next day I try to talk to her about it seriously and she tells me that she "makes dumb decisions when she's drunk" and not to worry about it. I say okay. Then some friends fill me in that a catalyst for her and the ex breaking up was that she had cheated on him while drunk.

-We go to a work party(We work together) and she's sober, only has one drink and we drive around in my car for a few hours, have a good time. I end up having to drag her drunk roommate into my car as she tried to go home with some randoms. Realized how much I hate both their drinking and wonder if she can really be sober, or if she's doing it just to sleep with me still.

-I sit her down sober and talk to her about us. Tell her that trust, loyalty and respect are important to me. That if there's anything between us that she wants to know, to come to me and vice versa. That we start with "us" there. She agrees.

-She goes on a sudden road trip with a female friend for three days, I hear from the friend that they had a "wild" time and she slept with 3 different guys. I'm disappointed since we just talked about an us, but tell myself that we weren't official yet and to let it slide. She's got her problems, but so do I and I like her.

-We start to have dinner almost every Sunday together and I make all her favourite meals and surprise her with small but thoughtful things at work and so on from time to time.

-January rolls around and I fall ill. She's constantly blowing up my phone with texts and asking if I'm okay. I think I got like 7 texts in a row and it just made me feel worse. I started to wonder why she couldn't be alone.

-I get out of the hospital(not a big deal) and she tells me that I wasn't at work so she was worried about me, I joke about the crazy stream of texts/calls and she tells me that she's a serial dater. Red flag #99. I ask her why, and she tells me that she can't really be alone. I suggest that being alone lets you know yourself before you find someone else. Things go on.

-Family issues start to crop up on my end

-I have two suicide attempts in my family and my parents divorce. I'm destroyed. I meet up with her at work and we go out to talk, she asks why I seem a little less talkative lately and I tell her. We've known each-other through work for 2 years at this point and I reiterate how I often struggle to talk when heavy things are going on, but that I'm trying and need some time to deal with it all, because I didn't want to be angry and brooding around her.

-She's happy after. We leave holding hands and drive around as usual having fun. I drop her off home, we kiss and she tells me that she'd "rather be with me, than some random from a bar." I'm really happy and secure that her feelings are true despite both our flaws.

-We talk less the following 3 weeks and she texted me a couple times asking if I was okay, to which I'd respond that I was, but not really. We saw each other at work as well but didn't talk much either and I had a fight almost everyday in my family.

-On my birthday (Feb 9th) she simply tells me "happy birthday" and I say thank you. Then a few friends bring me a group gift and while they see that I'm super down; they try and cheer me up. And it works. I start being able to smile again and so I text the girl and thank her for the gift idea(I assumed it was her doing). She responds by telling me that it wasn't her idea, that she had in fact gotten me a gift; but that because I hadn't seemed impressed with anything lately; she decided to not give it to me. This floored me and all I could do was laugh and say "Well it's the thought that counts".

-Finally on valentines day I say "screw it" and decide to make dinner for us both and call her up. She tells me that she's going on a date. I'm floored again but let her off the phone politely and sit on the ground in confusion.

-A friend tells me that she's been seeing this guy for about two weeks.

-My mind races and I see her at work the next day and ask to talk. We go to her house and talk and I ask her why. She tells me that I wasn't talking to her and that she wanted to be happy. I ask her if I did not come to her and explain what was going on and that I needed time. She's silent.

-I'm angry. Some tears come out and I ask her if she wants this guy she's known for two weeks, over a guy she proclaimed to love from day one. And she tells me that this guy was "putting in a lot of effort", pointing at some roses on the table. I cry harder thinking back on all the things I was there for her through and how I'd been a rock for her whenever she needed me, but the one time I was weak; she didn't even bother to try and pull me up. Just two text messages and not even a phone call to ask how I am.

-Talking to her more, I realize that she's made her choice and that the conversation is going nowhere, so I leave. We fight over text a few days later when I tell her she broke my trust, because I find out that she'd actually been seeing the guy for a month and that the night she said she'd rather be with me than a random from the bar...well, the guy she's seeing works at the bar right across from her house. So that "random from a bar" comment made a lot more sense and drunk her had let it slip.

-I decide to just let it go and write a one page letter, telling her how much I cared and that I respect her decision but that dating a guy who worked in a bar was pure enabling behaviour for her alcoholism and that I couldn't be in her life.

-She tells me that we'll talk more and then responds three days later with "Thank you for that really sweet letter. Take care of yourself". I never responded to her after that.

-She's started bringing the new guy to our workplace and acting like life couldn't be better.

-A month later she comes in with her face bruised and swollen. I ignore it but a co-worker fills me in that they'd all been partying(her, her new bf and roomie) and she'd fallen down on the sidewalk drunk and messed up her face bad.

-She starts eating "healthier" because her bf works out, says she's done smoking because her bf is allergic to smoking or whatever; but keeps showing up to work hungover even more than usual. I slowly start to distance myself.

-I notice a few times while working that she sneaks off to smoke and it makes me realize how little care she gives to anything but herself. She made a big hype about the new bf, showed him off to everyone, changed the way she dressed, hair colour, diet...but couldn't keep her word about something that affected the dudes health.

-I start to care less and become happy again at work. One day I ask her to run some stuff politely(I ask everyone to do so) and she tells me to " off". I politely explain that everyone is busy and that I need her to focus on her station. She sends me a huge text that night telling me that she's always busy and that this was the second time I'd asked her to do something. This has never, ever been a problem in the past. Now it is? I simply forward the text to management; they talk to her and she tells them to tell me, that she's sorry.

-Last month she's caught giving out free alcohol to her new boyfriend at work, a manager confronts her about missing bottles and she rips into him. She's sent home, but then comes back drunk; argues with the manager and then goes to the bar to drink. Her friend serves her even seeing she's drunk already; the manager gets angry and takes away her keys as she tries to drive off.

-The GM is called in to deal with the situation and when he tries to talk to her, she insults him and his sexuality and he keeps his cool, but tells her he's suspending her. She refuses and demands to talk to the owner. The owner comes in and says that she's a thief and he won't put up with that no matter how pretty she is. She storms off and says that her parents are rich and that she doesn't need the ty job anyway and quits.

-This has made my life a lot easier obviously. But I am terrified of what she's doing and when I saw her before she quit, she did not look healthy at all. Skinner(Which is impressive for her), disheveled; and you could just tell she'd spent the entire night partying it up. What worries me though is that she told me that she felt she only had two years left to live last year, and that she wanted to party and "burn out". I'd spent the entire night talking to her about this and we'd gotten closer because of that, but...despite her claims of being "happy". Her behaviour isn't that of a happy person.

-I've been working on myself, started a small business and faced my failures in my "relationship" with her. Not being super blunt about her behaviour and shutting down when my family crisis became too much to handle.

But I'm curious?

----Did I blow it? Or should I have taken her words of "I'm a serial dater" to heart? Should I ever contemplate getting with this girl in the future? I find it crazy how fast she moved on, but I wonder if maybe I triggered her feelings of abandonment as well? I'm so confused. Everyone tells me that if she really liked me, she wouldn't have left me when she saw me struggling.

She is a mess. She is a drunk, she is inconsistent, she is a cheater, she inconsiderate towards people, she can't handle being alone... why would you want to be with her in the future?

I get that it can hurt to watch someone you care about wreck their lives, but you don't get a say in it. You can't help her you can only help yourself. I hope you have time and space to heal now that you aren't working together. Stop tracking her. This running list of things she has done AFTER she cheated on you, lied to you and broke up with you... is not useful for you. You need her out of your life. You need space to heal.

She's been telling you who she is from day one. A drunk who doesn't care about the people she has dated in the past, who needs to never be alone, who cheats and lies and steals (even though she is from a rich family) and is a serial dater. Listen to people when they tell you who they are.

And all of this happened IN FOUR MONTHS. Dude... dude... maybe you need some therapy.

Looks like you dodged a bullet.

She must've been really pretty for you to be okay with her sleeping 3 guys in a matter of days.

Anyway, her

Looks like you dodged a bullet.

 

She must've been really pretty for you to be okay with her sleeping 3 guys in a matter of days.

 

Anyway, her

I wasn't okay with a lot of what she was doing, it always came borderline to the whole thing falling apart when I'd challenge her on her behaviour. I wanted to be with her, but she was just incredibly draining to be around and always getting me into situations that put a lot on me. I thought that being around me would...change her? I guess. In the end she told me that she "owed" that guy a chance to be with her. And all I could think of was how me being there for her, got so easily replaced by a dude buying her flowers. I know people have been through worse and I'm fortunate because I never dated her(I asked us to be friends first and get to know each other better) but it's just so frustrating. I'm not sure why she'd treat me like that and then even worse after leaving me for another guy. What made it easy was finding out how she had been "cheating" with that guy for over a month, while telling me she loved me. It's really put a dent in my ability to trust though. I've always been cautious and like to take my time to know people before dating, so that's saved my ass many times. But...this has all been so strange to see unfold. I guess you never really know people until things aren't going well. My thoughts have been on how twisted she made everything and blamed me for "ignoring"' her. Like I tell you that I'm in pain and struggling, but you don't do anything to try and cheer me up? Even a candy bar? And then turn around and tell everyone that you effectively dumped me because I made you sad by being sad. I don't get why she made it all about her feelings, when for once I was trying to put myself first?

In just so angry, I don't know what to do sometimes. And the whole blaming me that her and her friends did, it was the most paper thin excuses I've ever heard. If you want some other guy, just say so; I can handle that. But why send me into a near depression by dumping it on me? You couldn't call me? Ask me to talk whatever problem we had through? I did so much and got nothing in return.

She doesn't get attached to people, so she'd probably be surprised to hear that her actions sent you into a "near depression".

And there were dozens of red flags the size of Montana with her. Why did you choose to ignore every single one of them? Is she THAT pretty?

She's not "that pretty", and I'm not saying this out of jealousy, but she doesn't have much curves. I just grew close to her and we started going out more. She confessed deep feelings for me, I helped her through a depression and then she bailed. Why did I do that though? Just loneliness?

Very likely, Sennah.

"I helped her through a depression and then she bailed. Why did I do that though? Just loneliness?"

Loneliness is the worst possible advisor. I see it every day on here. So so important to deal with perceived "loneliness" before entering a relationship.

Just another point: do not take on the job again of therapist for anyone. If someone has depression let them seek the professional help they require.

Good luck.

Did you blow it up???!!! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

Come on, man!

Sorry to sound harsh, but I can't believe you're really asking yourself this.

She looks like she wants constant attention from men, first from her boyfriend (she tried to cheat on him with you! His good friend!) then she tried with the same plot with you: all the guys she slept with and CASUALLY you happened to know about that, and casually again when you ignored that she was mad at you.

Then she looked for attention at the job by bringing in this random guy and stealing alcohol which she could have easily bought instead.

She sounds like an attention w*ore with something unresolved about her past, other than an alcoholic.

Ask instead yourself why you spent so many words about her here: are you the kind of "good" person who loves ESPECIALLY people they think they can redeem?

Very likely, Sennah.

 

"I helped her through a depression and then she bailed. Why did I do that though? Just loneliness?"

 

Loneliness is the worst possible advisor. I see it every day on here. So so important to deal with perceived "loneliness" before entering a relationship.

 

Just another point: do not take on the job again of therapist for anyone. If someone has depression let them seek the professional help they require.

 

Good luck.

I didn't jump into being a therapist for her. She was just sad and I tried to be there for her as a friend and talk about things, tried to cheer her up. I knew she'd had "feelings" for me while with her ex, so I was cautious not to give off the wrong vibes. But obviously feelings developed and I took her word at wanting to be with me seriously. It was around then that she started dropping things that gave me cold feet, but having been friends first; I thought that no way she would play me like that. I'm very picky about my friends and have never been burned by them, I only have 4 legitimate friends. But I guess having been rejected by a girl I liked, being lonely and her saying what I wanted to hear, but doing absolutely nothing to show it; dragged me in.

I do believe that people can be redeemed. I think that if someone wants to improve their life, they shouldn't necessarily be punished for their past and not given a chance. I get it now though, there's a reason why people say that past behavior is a indicator of future behavior. I just don't know....I've changed things about myself that I didn't like or felt that I could improve with. Yeah I've gone back to some of those things(weight/eating) being my biggest thing. But in other areas, I simply do change if somebody or my own thoughts tell me that I can be better.

I feel horrible because everyone said that she was "disgusting", "a toxic person", "a liar and a cheater" and I just...I felt bad for her when she came crying to me about how nobody liked her. That should have been a clue, right? If nobody we all know likes her, then she's got some serious skeletons. I don't know. She seemed to really want to be a better person, I thought I could share some of my warmth with her. But after she left me for that other guy, she showed me just how cold and manipulative she was by her actions. It was like I never really knew her after that.

Yes, I believe in redemption too (in every sense of the word). But I think that you have to figure out if she is genuinely willing to improve herself, or it's just drama for the sake of other's attention. I think you have to listen to your good sense and less to your emotions ... like all of us, and I know it's hard, I know. My 2 cs, good luck!