I am emotionally whack and need help.

I am 19 and I am so emotionally confused. I'm going to try to break this down the shortest way possible. I'll start from the moment i noticed that i felt this way and work up to the present.

I always knew i was different when it came to dating and wanting to be with someone. When all of my friends in middle school were just starting to be curious, i never was. I had no interest in dating. I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade mainly because i was talked into it by my then best friend. Dont get me wrong, i thought this guy was physically attractive. And i liked hanging out. I just didnt want to do anything but that. When he wanted to get more physical, i broke up with him because i didnt want that. After that i continued to find people attractive. And i developed crushes on people. I just didnt really want anything more than maybe kissing and cuddling.

I had my second boyfriend in 11th grade when i was 17. This was also kinda encouraged by my then best friend and i only said yes to being with him because i felt like i had to. But there were no genuine feelings. This was my first *Real* boyfriend that i actually did stuff with, like we went on movie dates and went out on double dates with other friends, we were very social and we were together a lot. We went to the beach together almost every day, etc. But anything more than just kissing and hugging i did not want. That relationship soon ended when he tried to be intimate with me and i turned him down.

My third (and last) boyfriend was in 12th grade, a week before we were graduating. This was also a very fast starting sudden relationship, as the others were, but for this one i was the one that made the decision to be with him. But, you guessed it, as soon as things got intimate, i was out. I soon broke up with him for that same reason.

But it goes even FURTHER than this. Its not that i just have no interest in sex, i literally cannot even fake it. I get nauseous feeling when sex is initiated or when i think about it. It's just not something i want to participate in. But the thing is, i dont think i lack a sex drive because i still think about it and i still picture it happening. And i still have sexual urges. But when it is about to actually happen, i have no interest in it. I've came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, it is because of the people i try experiencing it with. Maybe i just am not attracted to them in a way that makes me want to give myself up? Idk man.

So there is problem #1. I have no sex drive. (Or do i?).

Here's another issue. I hate people. Let me explain.

So i find people physically attractive. I can easily point out if i personally find someone attractive. But here is the catch: i know how gross people are and i can't put up with it. It makes me SICK. Like actually nauseous. You know when you love someone, you are obviously going to look past their flaws and all of their gross humanely functions. But even if you don't love someone, usually a person can still put up with that. But i seriously cannot. I get SO turned off by the dumbest most abnormal things. and i know that isnt normal. And it makes me not want to talk to that person anymore.

My feelings fluctuate. One moment, i do want love. I want to pursue something with someone and i want to be serious and settle down with someone. Then the next moment im disgusted and dont want anyone in my life. But it is definitely not a 50/50 ratio. It's more like 90/10, 90 being how often i DONT want to be with anyone.

And i know my issue is more than just "i havent found the right one yet." that may be a big factor in it, but i know there is more to it that im still trying to figure out. I have seriously run out of answers.

I know this is all confusing and i dont expect anyone to understand.

If anyone has advice, please please help me out. Tell me what you think. Im not desperate for love but im desperate for an answer as to why i feel this way.

There is still way more to it than just this. I'd love to have an actual conversation with someone if anyone is interested in genuinely helping me.

Hi. It sounds like you have intimacy issues and aren't comfortable getting too close to anyone. When closeness arises, your emotions shut down and you feel turned off to that person. Google "avoidant attachment style" and see if it rings any bells for you. As for sex, maybe you need more of emotional connection to someone to actually do the deed. I'm kind of like that about sex - I could take it or leave it; the emotional stuff is where it's at for me, as well as just cuddling and being physically close. Being grossed out by bodily stuff could be some form of OCD, and is something else that I can somewhat relate to. A lot of these are complex issues that a therapist may be able to help you with. You're very young, so I wouldn't worry too much about trying to have sex or a relationship right now. You have plenty of time to figure yourself out and learn what makes you tick.

Hi. It sounds like you have intimacy issues and aren't comfortable getting too close to anyone. When closeness arises, your emotions shut down and you feel turned off to that person. Google "avoidant attachment style" and see if it rings any bells for you. As for sex, maybe you need more of emotional connection to someone to actually do the deed. I'm kind of like that about sex - I could take it or leave it; the emotional stuff is where it's at for me, as well as just cuddling and being physically close. Being grossed out by bodily stuff could be some form of OCD, and is something else that I can somewhat relate to. A lot of these are complex issues that a therapist may be able to help you with. You're very young, so I wouldn't worry too much about trying to have sex or a relationship right now. You have plenty of time to figure yourself out and learn what makes you tick.

I took your advice and did a bit of research on avoidant attachment, and there is a lot in what i read that i agree with/relate to.

I was thinking the same, i definitely do agree that i think it will take a lot of emotional connection for me to pursue something serious.

I am really not interested in talking to a therapist because i believe in self medicating and being able to change my mindset by personal growth. What has held me back from that is the fact that i keep dwelling on the same perspective of everything (my own) although i have done my best to look at all angles of my issue and i have tried so many different things. It is always nice to have new ideas and new perspectives.

And i know that i am still young. I just turned 19. However, it is very frustrating because i WANT to settle down. I want to go on to the next chapter of my life with a companion. But this makes it so hard.

Have you ever been sexually molested or abused? It is possible as well that you might have suppressed it and don't recall. I am not saying that this is for sure, but you do have a lot of signs of early sexual abuse which would most definitely put you off of sex or give the reactions you are having.

It might be in your best interest to speak to a qualified professional to see if any of this might be causing how you are feeling. It might not be anything, either. But it could be worth exploring.

You sound very normal to me, girl.

Are you asexual?

Also seeing a therapist is a form of personal growth. And self medicating?? That's a terrible idea. Going to a therapist doesn't mean you will be put on medication. But they will help you see things from a different perspective.

Don't force yourself into dating or relationships or sex. What's up with all the peer pressure?

I wasn't interested in having a boyfriend or sex in high school. I didn't date until i was READY and no one pushed me into it at about 20/21. So you are totally normal for not wanting an 8th grade boyfriend, etc. I felt like i was still a kid then. I would for now just go out with friends and get to know people and don't put too much pressure on yourself. At 19, I did want to meet someone or started to have crushes but i didn't know how to go about it and was not thinking really as far as sex with them. I finally had my first actual sort of date at 20. It was just no big deal and it was a one off date. It took me a while to find someone for a relationship. ANd yeah, guys that age can be gross - they don't take showers like they should, they burp and fart a lot and wear too much cologne and have too many big macs. But they start to change

Don't force yourself into dating or relationships or sex. What's up with all the peer pressure?

Nobody is forcing me to date or be interested in it. I am NINETEEN. i make my own decision. I believe you took this all wrong.

I have stated that i know i have a problem and i have addressed everything i know thus far (and in there just happens to be situations that back up my truths with said "peer pressure" but that is not the case NOW.)

Have you ever been sexually molested or abused? It is possible as well that you might have suppressed it and don't recall. I am not saying that this is for sure, but you do have a lot of signs of early sexual abuse which would most definitely put you off of sex or give the reactions you are having.

It might be in your best interest to speak to a qualified professional to see if any of this might be causing how you are feeling. It might not be anything, either. But it could be worth exploring.

No, i know for a fact that i was not molested or abused in any such way. However, i know i have been mentally abused (on accident.) and i believe that was my mothers fault. Since day one we've always had a very loose connection in our family. No affection or lovey stuff, its always been "fend for yourself." from the time i was old enough i always had to depend on myself to get through my problems, i never had any emotional support from my mom. (And i have no present dad.) so i know thats a factor. Its almost like i dont trust anyone now because the one person i was supposed to be able to trust from day one, abandoned me at a young age.

Ive since then adjusted my relationships with the people in my life (my friends) and i do have very close connections and i do feel that i am able to talk to them, but still not as much as i SHOULD feel like.

Are you asexual?

 

Also seeing a therapist is a form of personal growth. And self medicating?? That's a terrible idea. Going to a therapist doesn't mean you will be put on medication. But they will help you see things from a different perspective.

I love how confused and offended you got when i said "Self medicating" haaa.

No. I do not mean medication or drugs that i am "self medicating on." i simply meant that i have a strong belief in being your own mentality changer by things like yoga and meditating, changing your ways of thinking. I do not want nor feel the need, to go to a therapist because often times i believe they just put ideas into your head and you are forced to believe them because they ARE "professionals." unpopular opinion or not, id rather not argue with you on what you believe, instead, if you wish to continue giving me advice, id like to hear your opinions on my problems. I believe that hearing what you strangers have to say is very beneficial because you aren't professionals, but you've got opinions regardless and you can offer unbiased opinions without pulling the "well believe me because im a doctor" card. You feel?

I love how confused and offended you got when i said "Self medicating" haaa.

 

No. I do not mean medication or drugs that i am "self medicating on." i simply meant that i have a strong belief in being your own mentality changer by things like yoga and meditating, changing your ways of thinking. I do not want nor feel the need, to go to a therapist because often times i believe they just put ideas into your head and you are forced to believe them because they ARE "professionals." unpopular opinion or not, id rather not argue with you on what you believe, instead, if you wish to continue giving me advice, id like to hear your opinions on my problems. I believe that hearing what you strangers have to say is very beneficial because you aren't professionals, but you've got opinions regardless and you can offer unbiased opinions without pulling the "well believe me because im a doctor" card. You feel?

When we do it totally on our own, there are things we do not see. We only address what we are comfortable addressing - yoga feels nice to do, etc., and is fine for stress but the deeper issues we sort of protect ourselves from dealing with. When we have an issue where it makes us feel that we can't move forward - sometimes seeing a counselor is a good idea. You may find out what you are feeling is totally normal and you just need to give yourself time to grow. Or maybe its something you need to work through. Also, there are cases where getting physically checked out by a doctor - finding out from an OB/GYN if your hormone levels are as they should be makes a world of difference. if your only thing is that you really didn't feel like dating in high school and that you think people are gross - i have a relative who likes to be super clean all the time - gags when other people throw up, can't stand the sight of mucus, etc, and they have never been abused - its just them. Their siblings don't feel the same way. BTW its awesome to feel you only want sex with someone you have an emotional connection with - that's awesome and called monogamy. Its a myth that people should feel like they want to have sex the minute they meet someone. Most people are not like that. maybe you'll meet a guy who is in to his personal hygiene and brushes his teeth and is not gross -- just not until you are ready.

It sounds to me like the emotional abuse you went through with your mom has A LOT to do with all of this! Everyone takes how they were raised differently. But my guess would be that having a mom who wasn't there for you, at all, emotionally let alone physically would definitely put a "sour taste in your mouth" when it comes to being physically close to someone. Think about it really hard...if you thought about being physically or emotionally close to your mom...hugging...saying I love you...being able to talk to her about anything emotionally..etc, how does that make you feel? Does it make you kinda sick deep down? If it does, there's the answer as to why trying to get physically intimate with someone would make you sick! Maybe that "sick" feeling is about feeling like it's not real; like it sickens you to think how fake it would be? Or how could you be that close to anyone if you couldn't be close to your own family? the one person you learned how to love or be close with taught you that love and closeness doesn't exists!