LDR trouble + Possibly moving to his city

Hi All --

This is my first post. Reading many of your posts have been so helpful to me during this time.

I have been dating my boyfriend (25) for two years. I'm 29. We have now been long distance for about 5 months after he relocated to SF for a job. I live in Boston, so literally the other side of the country with a 3 hour time difference.

Ever since he moved, I've been interviewing for jobs in SF and I've finally gotten to the final round of interviews with a great company out there. I've been trying for months to bridge the gap and end the long distance by applying and interviewing for a ton of jobs.

Here's where it gets complicated...

The last time I was in SF (interviewing for a job (I didn't get)) in early March, my bf, out of nowhere, said that we shouldn't be together anymore. The week before he brought up the idea of me moving to SF and living with him in his apartment. Things has been rocky because of the long distance, but it felt like we were doing our best to make it work. So, when he brought up this conversation, I didn't even know what to think. The conversation lasted for 3 hours. Going back and forth about why we should or shouldn't be together anymore. The conversation ended with me having to leave for the airport to catch my flight back to Boston. Worst flight ever.

Over the last two months, we've only talked on the phone once and have been texting occasionally. For some reason, he's always too afraid to actually have a conversation about where we stand, so he always runs when I ask to talk on the phone. During this time, it's became very apparent that he's been struggling with anxiety and depression since he moved to SF. The combination of a super demanding job and literally no friends or family has gotten to him. It's gotten to be very unbearable for me to handle, considering the fact that I'm the only one he's told about his mental health issues.

So, here I am. On the verge of possibly getting an offer from a company in SF. If I get an offer, I'm going because SF has always been a place I've wanted to go, but my question is, do I continue to try and resolve our issues with him or do I walk away? Imagining my life in SF without him has been so difficult.

What would you do? Would you still move knowing that he lives there and being unclear about the relationship status?

Any and all advice is appreciated!

If it were me, I would move anyway, but then I am a globe trotter having lived all over the world. I don't think this situation should hold you back. You closeness might resolve the situation and it may just be the depression you feel it is.

But, if things do not work themselves out, SF is a large city (so I have heard) and the chances should be fairly small of running into him. The adventure of moving and growing a life together or alone should be enough to make the move.

I have a friend who was in this situation -she moved for her boyfriend when things were rocky. They were back and forth for years and then broke up. She married a colleague so it worked out great for her. She also had to do a career change because of an injury so it did make some sense for her to take that particular job and move there. If you're sure you'd want to move there (I also love S.F.!!) then do it if the job is great - SF is even more expensive a city than Boston so I'd consider that too. Sounds like he is not available for a serious committed relationship right now so I wouldn't count on him . I'm sorry he's been behaving this way.

I'd have to guess there's more context to the falling out than we're gathering here, but to continue on in addressing your concern...

I actually moved to NYC after my current partner started her residency here. I was very much done with the Pacific NW and had been for awhile, so just the prospect of moving was an independent benefit. Originally, we didn't know, though. By a sheer stroke of luck, as I was visiting her for what was likely to be our last hoorah, an agency in NYC reached out to my NW agency I contracted with asking if anyone was in the region for a temp assignment. I was referred and then offered a permanent position for substantially greater pay. So, I moved here.

So it was great to have the opportunity to keep seeing my girlfriend, but the big thing I made sure to do was first build my life independently. My own job, my own place, my own friends. While tempting for the sake of money and convenience, we did not end up sharing a place once I ended up moving over a few months after her. It was to the benefit of both of us not to tie the location to the relationship. Fortunately, things have worked out in the 2.5 years since, but had they not, I would have still had my footing and been happy with my move and transition here.

So, yeah. That's kind of a needlessly long anecdote basically suggesting to get your own place and first make SF your home as Boston335 rather than your home as a couple.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it sounds like the LDR took it's toll. Why did he suddenly pick up and leave the relationship and move across country? Do you think in retrospect that was the beginning of the end?

Sadly it sounds like he's been trying to back out of the relationship for quite a while and only entertained the idea of your moving/living together but not as seriously.

It would be best to stop talking to him and let him sort out his own issues there or a seek therapy. Don't be a shoulder to cry on until he finds someone new locally, which he eventually will.

Don't try to fix him or change his mind. Reconsider following him out there to fix him and 'try to make it work'. There are no 'issues to resolve' after someone ends it.

The last time I was in SF my bf, out of nowhere, said that we shouldn't be together anymore. Things has been rocky because of the long distance. It's gotten to be very unbearable for me to handle, considering the fact that I'm the only one he's told about his mental health issues. If I get an offer, I'm going because SF has always been a place I've wanted to go. Imagining my life in SF without him has been so difficult.

my bf, out of nowhere, said that we shouldn't be together anymore.

This is all I'd need to hear to let a partner off the hook and fly off of his radar. No matter where you live, he can reach you if he wants to. I'd skip trying to reconcile right now. Nobody who breaks up is interested in resuming the same exact relationship with the same exact person, so I'd allow for time and distance to grow you both into people who might meet on higher ground someday if you're a meant-to-be deal.

If offered the SF job, I'd take it only if you're in a good financial position to make such a costly move. Research housing costs in the area to learn whether living there solo is a good idea. Otherwise, I'd keep my current job, possibly work a light second job to save up more money, and then consider exactly where I want to move, and start pursuing a new job in that location.

For my own psyche and healing, I'd make it a private goal to spend lots of time with friends and family and surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I'd focus on creating the best life for myself, as this would move me to high enough ground for good perspective on my ex should he contact me and wish to reconcile. Otherwise, this perspective will render him irrelevant over time as I heal and become stronger for this experience.

Head high, and write more if it helps.