Trapped

I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years, and been living together for just over 5.

we got serious pretty quick - he is charming, and appeared very attentive , caring - so swept me off my feet basically. I guess there have always been red flags along the way, or gut instinct that he is perhaps a little too controlling for me but in the early days felt all the good points outweighed any bad.

However his mood swings now become more frequent, he very rarely accompanies me on any family get togethers and I saw my friends less and less as well as other rules I have to abide by to keep the peace....

To cut a very long story short this year a couple of situations really made me see the light. I have recognised my husband is constantly demanding, takes very little responsibility with the household whilst expecting me to do pretty much everything whilst I work full time - whilst he works half the hours on basis of his job being more stressful and physical.

There are lots of issues that can trigger bad moods that can last a day, or several weeks - and cannot predict or control a lot of these because they are external.

But to top this off this year has basically just been unbearable. I came to realise my needs really never ever will come first no matter what situation I am in.

I had a significant career change and instead of having his support he turned on me . It's like a light bulb went off in my head - all niggling doubts now confirmed. It has been like an out of body experience these past 6 weeks - his demands, sudden happy moods when suits, followed by dark moods to create other outcomes etc - i just suddenly really wised up to all of it.

As well as becoming wiser to his manipulation of moods/arguments amongst other tactics, about 4 days ago I came across triangulation on this forum - did the research and again another lightbulb moment - he uses his mum and female co workers against me and also against each other too ! Crazy thing is I'm still going along with his game , tending to his needs and so on, because I've been thinking really hard now about how to escape, so it's like I've gone into survival mode if that makes sense ? Don't think it's denial anyway ...

i know deep down we need to get a divorce but i feel paralysed! I am really scared of his reaction - as much as I try psyche myself ahead of any argument and vow I won't be affected by his harsh words and temper (only verbal but still fills me with fear) he still destroys me!

Also I have the issue of what we do next, where does one of us go to live or stay? I can't afford rent and my half the mortgage on top, and he certainly wont agree to contribute any more to bills. Not even want to think about our dog yet - he's a rescue who has been through hell and we have worked so hard with him to help overcome various issues.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone , my friends I only see socially now and then for past few years so I don't deserve their listening ear. My parents are elderly and have their own health and worries. So yes, I am pretty much alone, and just very stuck on what to do next

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you you sound like a very strong woman!

This really reminds me of my mum and step dad's relationship.. he was so verbally abusive to her, so incredibly vicious with his words. She like you felt very trapped and in the end what pushed her to end it with him was when he started verbally abusing me for sticking up for her. It's always easier to do something strong like that for someone else rather than for yourself.

First things first you MUST get out of this relationship. I understand how terrifying it is when you dont know how they're going to react, is there anyone at all you could confide in and ask to be present with you when you speak to him about it?

I know your parents are elderly but would they have space in their home for you to stay whilst you figure everything out? Or what about a friend? I know you say you dont deserve their listening ear but I really think if you contacted a friend you once really trusted they'd understand! A lot of people lose touch with friends when they get into a serious relationship, I dont think many good friends would hold a grudge about that. I have friends who I havent spoken to in years but if they were going through something like this I would be more than happy to support them through it.

He's mentally abusive and you know it. Secretly, slowly but surely develop an exit plan. This means contacting an attorney and getting advice on divorce.

It means privately seeing a therapist and honestly discussing what's going on and getting more advice there. Tell your husband it's to work on your problems, stress, etc.

Do not joyfully tell him anything. Be boring quiet. Do not seek emotional support from him. Make conversation mostly small talk or practical stuff.

Tell friends and family how thing are going but do not reveal your exit plan yet. Do a lot of homework on abusive relationships. Start to hide your activities. Use a work phone and computer to contact an attorney and research abuse.

Thank you for your advice guys I've just burst into tears because it's the first time I have ever confided in anyone about what I am going through and was half expecting people to say I'm just moaning ..

I've been strong in the past and my family always comment on how feisty I am - so no one is going to believe I'm in this situation ( not that it matters I know ).

Thing is it's only since I've woken up I've tracked him a bit and did some snooping on his Facebook (which is very stupid of me as it's illegal which I've only just realised but wanted more evidence, irony now is I have had to delete the screen shots as not sure of legality ) - anyway I've also realised he is seriously messed up , he is lying to ppl some lies really silly other lies I cannot even repeat they are so messed up. I am now thinking he believes those lies himself - he's had trauma and along with his stressful job the two seem to be merging.

I will start saving as quickly as I can, get the last bit of refurbing done so house ready to sell ...

Only person I think I might be able to confide in is my brother - he has been wrapped up with his girlfriend and new house stuff lately but will be worth a shot , and i can trust him to keep a secret.

I will also seek advice from a women's aid counsellor (I'm in UK and they are a charity providing support to women suffering abuse) - thank you xxxx

So sorry you are going thru this. You are exactly where I was about 10 years ago. What he is doing is abuse. Doesn't have to involve hitting to be abusive. If you feel fear, intimidation, isolation...it is abuse.

So - next step: Make a safety plan. DO NOT LEAVE any notes or papers anywhere in the house. wipe your search browsers at home (trust me - he is most likely checking them). Never lose sight of your phone.

All that being said - Dont be afraid to reach out to an old friend. Someone you trust. Tell them the situation. Pack a small bag of your things & leave it at your friends house.So when you are ready, you can just go. no thinking required.

Forget about the mortgage pmt, the bills, etc. you can deal with all that in good time. Right now the important thing is to stay safe.

You may think I am over exaggerating, believe me I am not. I didn't even realize that it was happening to me until I saw a pamphlet at my doctors office.

check these sights for more info:

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This wheel really clarified things for me.

If you need to talk - do not hesitate to send me a message.

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I have a family member who was married to man similar to what you describe. It was very difficult to get away. I took her in for a year. You may need to tap on any resource to help you get out - even friends whom you have abandoned because of his bad, controlling behavior. I bet they will be there for you if you explain what has happened and you need a couch to stay on until you get on your feet. I can't imagine your parents not helping in some way too. I am a parent and I will always be there for my kids. If all you are looking for is a cheap place to stay, to get away from him, then your parents may assist if they are made aware of your unhappy situation. Worst case, see if there are any women's shelters that can help you get away. I believe some may work with people who are being emotionally abused. Good luck. BTW I didn't realize all these others posts came in before mine. I had your post up, took a phone call and I didn't refresh the page. I didn't mean to be redundant. The striking news is we all have collectively identified that you are being emotionally abused and need to get out.

Thank you for these further contributions. I haven't slept much (about 2.5 hours) and got to go to work now - that's the other thing I couldn't have picked a worse time to realise all this - new job and lots of training to get through - but on the positive it's something that can take my mind off my problems for 8 hours a day.

I have found a forum for the women's aid charity and it's also a help as there are other women out there in a similar boat to share experience with

My concern about planning my exit slowly is he goes through periods of good 'normal' times and I am worried I will get sucked back in - although this time it does feel different , I am wiser and I've shared my problem here which before keep it completely to myself and so always managed to convince myself things aren't that bad. But I know they are.

With regards to my parents I do love them dearly and they've been there for me during previous tough times but growing up I did suffer emotional (and some physical - Smacking but to point of leaving marks) abuse from them but I've accepted this now they really did only parented in the way they Knew how and during my adult years it's clear they do care just have some issues of their own! Also my dad is now 84 and quite difficult for my mum as he is losing his marbles sadly, but I find it 'safer' for me to support them with short and frequent visits - living with them full time could potentially be more unbearable than living with my husband

We are going through a 'normal' period at the moment, husband being reasonable and it's lasted over a week but as I say I really recognised lately just how desperate I am when it's bad and plus the things I've now discovered has really made me realise I need to get out and it will be good to start planning my exit strategy during this moment of calm whilst I have the strength - the advice and links you have shared have really helped

Me to start recognising what I can do next so thanks again.

hi,

what a sad post this is. firstly, may i say you are not alone, you have the people on here to help you with your thoughts.

in my opinion you need to get out of that relationship. one of your main concerns is your dog....which shows ou are a very caring person. can't you stay with your parents for a while and take the dog with you? im guessing your parents wouldnt charge you a lot of rent, or have you any other relatives you could stay with for a short while until you know where you are going ?

it's a huge step to take leaving someone, but i imagine you will be a lot happier if you take that step.

good luck in what you decide to do, and try to be happy.

Don't waste time tracking and snooping on him. Forget how messed up he is, the extent of his craziness is irrelevant, when you already know there is enough gaslighting lying mental abuse etc to leave. Focus on you and what's important.

Put all your efforts into a covert exit plan legally, financially, mentally. Forget redoing the house and get to an attorney. Get a real therapist one-on-one to speak to confidentially.

Women's aid people are volunteers and will simply tell you to pack your stuff and leave. Bad decision when you are married and co-own a house. When you are not in imminent physical danger time is on your side to develop a less chaotic exit plan. But don't waste time "figuring him out".

I've only just realised but wanted more evidence, irony now is I have had to delete the screen shots as not sure of legality

Never feel weird about reaching out to old friends and your family, parents, cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc! They know what's up - people disappear for reasons, and people aren't blind. Emotionally abusive people will do everything they can to isolate you from friends and family.

My mom's friend found a place and got it set up, then picked a week he would be away. Had her mom and friend help her pack and move, and left a "Dear John" letter.

If you are in the US, you can get Legal Aid counseling for free.

In preparation, make sure you separate out financial accounts inconspicuously if possible. Update things in his name if possible.

So sorry you are going thru this. You are exactly where I was about 10 years ago. What he is doing is abuse. Doesn't have to involve hitting to be abusive. If you feel fear, intimidation, isolation...it is abuse.

 

So - next step: Make a safety plan. DO NOT LEAVE any notes or papers anywhere in the house. wipe your search browsers at home (trust me - he is most likely checking them). Never lose sight of your phone.

All that being said - Dont be afraid to reach out to an old friend. Someone you trust. Tell them the situation. Pack a small bag of your things & leave it at your friends house.So when you are ready, you can just go. no thinking required.

Forget about the mortgage pmt, the bills, etc. you can deal with all that in good time. Right now the important thing is to stay safe.

 

You may think I am over exaggerating, believe me I am not. I didn't even realize that it was happening to me until I saw a pamphlet at my doctors office.

 

check these sights for more info:

]

He's mentally abusive and you know it. Secretly, slowly but surely develop an exit plan. This means contacting an attorney and getting advice on divorce.

 

It means privately seeing a therapist and honestly discussing what's going on and getting more advice there. Tell your husband it's to work on your problems, stress, etc.

 

Do not joyfully tell him anything. Be boring quiet. Do not seek emotional support from him. Make conversation mostly small talk or practical stuff.

 

Tell friends and family how thing are going but do not reveal your exit plan yet. Do a lot of homework on abusive relationships. Start to hide your activities. Use a work phone and computer to contact an attorney and research abuse.

Once again thanks for some really

Good advice I've certainly been thinking about it all. Last night he had one of his outburst and was more aware again of the tension.

I assure you I'm definitely taking your advice one board - going to take an overnight bag to a friends and leave important documents at my parents. jjust knowing I have an escape plan makes me feel more in control and free to make my own choices.

Last post mentioned free legal counselling - we don't get free legal help in UK for domestic matters nor can I get free therapy, for me the legal stuff takes priority I will still see if there's any sort of discounted counselling I can get through my work.

I got paid today and have a good overdraft so will seek legal advice. I don't care if it means I go into debt a little to pay for it - it's important I know where I will stand financially and see if there's any way I can protect myself financially although I don't think he would be wreckless and start building massive debts - he's never owned a credit card or had a loan but do think he may suddenly decide to stop paying mortgage if I moved out - however I'd happily welcome he stops paying his contribution to the household if he moved out and I stayed - would mean yes I get to care for our dog too . Someone asked about the dog - in uK Law he is treated as property - my husband 'owns' him as he signed and paid for the adoption and the pet insurance in his name as is the microchip - and as he works part time he has more days off to be with the dog - I do not man if he did keep our dog as long as our dog is happy, but I get the impression he would give him up as he hinted at that when my hours changed at work during training.

Anyway I know one thing for sure, whatever outcome is for our dog it will be better for him than this current tense situation which just makes him nervous when we argue or he has his outbursts.