Sexless Relationship- Why do we have to settle?

Hi there,

I have been with my boyfriend 4 1/2 years. The first 6 months were amazing, he proposed and it all went pear shaped.

Sex went from every day to every few weeks or months.

Violence and mental abuse started too, not a regular occurrence, it happens every once in a while. But I never know what or when his temper will flair up.

He tells me how there is other women he could sleep with that are thinner and prettier than I am. Then he laughs and says it's all a joke.

I stayed in the beginning for my boyfriends daughter, and eventually we had a daughter together and I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant.

But we haven't had sex now for 3 months, and with my hormones I'm on heat constantly and no means of being satisfied.

I have brought this subject up time and time again. He's not interested in sex with me or anyone else apparently. He refuses to see he needs help with his anger and we need help with our relationship. He says I have to accept he isn't interested in sex and that is that.

But I have a nagging feeling that there is something else going on. With the put downs about my weight and he could shag other people if he wanted, I feel it's a ploy for him to warrant him cheating on me!

I'm not sure if I'm just plain messed up in the head thinking this, so another view would be much appreciated

Just wondering why you have gotten pregnant again with this violent person who also mentally abuses you. You should have dumped him a long time ago. Why do you put up with this?

Sorry you have to go through this. Your fiance is horrible! Not only is it bad that he's telling you about the weight thing, he's also doing it while you are 14 weeks pregnant with his child. Does he not have a heart?

It's hard for me to tell you to leave since you are pregnant, but I sorry to say, for your sake and your future child's sake, leaving him will be best. He's degrading and abusing you emotionally. It's just going to get worst and you are just going to be more and more unhappy.

Don't let him to continue treating you this way, it's not right.

Sorry to say but all signs of the typical abusive relationship. Fast attachment, violence, verbal abuse, gaslighting, withholding affection, empty promises.

It's not an anger problem or a cheating problem he has you focused on that when it's an abuse problem. If you face the truth about abuse and how damaging it is to you and your children, you would have to leave.

Read up on abusive relationships. Get Private Confidential therapy for Yourself and Do Not Tell Him. Does your family know the truth?

The first 6 months were amazing. Violence and mental abuse started too. we had a daughter together and I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant.the put downs about my weight and he could shag other people if he wanted.

.............

Why in the world would you bring innocent children into this? Sex is the least of your problems,

Do you want your daughter to end up with an abuser like him? You are showing her that this type of man is acceptable.

You should have left years ago !

Children are brought into this world in all situations. We have conceived both our children when things have been good, but with out warning they can change as quickly.

I have tried my hardest to get him to realise we need help and the effect it will have on the children but I'm a drama queen.

And I know I should of left years ago, but I haven't and I can't really give a solid reason why but I'm here and I'm trying to get this relationship back to like it was in the beginning.

Xxxx

Just wondering why you have gotten pregnant again with this violent person who also mentally abuses you. You should have dumped him a long time ago. Why do you put up with this?

I have to be totally honest and say things were good again so we thought it would be a good time to have another child. It went bad again not long after I found out I was pregnant, no violence yet but definitely mental abuse.

I do try and change the behaviours in the relationship but it's hard when only one of us wants help. Xxxx

Sorry you have to go through this. Your fiance is horrible! Not only is it bad that he's telling you about the weight thing, he's also doing it while you are 14 weeks pregnant with his child. Does he not have a heart?

 

It's hard for me to tell you to leave since you are pregnant, but I sorry to say, for your sake and your future child's sake, leaving him will be best. He's degrading and abusing you emotionally. It's just going to get worst and you are just going to be more and more unhappy.

 

Don't let him to continue treating you this way, it's not right.

No it's not right and I know it. And I stayed to begin with for my step daughter as she has a crap mum. And the years have gone by and there are good spells and then it's horrible. I have had the police on him and it's made no difference, he just told me that the officer was laughing at me and only cautioned him as it was a formality.

He wasn't like it to start with, and I keep hoping it will go back to the beginning xxxx

Sorry to say but all signs of the typical abusive relationship. Fast attachment, violence, verbal abuse, gaslighting, withholding affection, empty promises.

 

It's not an anger problem or a cheating problem he has you focused on that when it's an abuse problem. If you face the truth about abuse and how damaging it is to you and your children, you would have to leave.

 

Read up on abusive relationships. Get Private Confidential therapy for Yourself and Do Not Tell Him. Does your family know the truth?

No my family don't know, they live 300 miles away so I don't want to worry them. His mum knows about his behaviour and I have a very good support network in place. I have places me and my children can stay while we get sorted. The police have been involved in the past so any trouble I can ring them and he's straight to court.

I did ring a charity that deals with abuse, and I'm not high risk as it's not a everyday occurrence but if that changes I can let them know and they will help whatever way they can.

We did have an consultation for counselling and she wanted to see us separate. He refused and said he could sort his anger on his own, she was doubtful.

But I keep toying with the idea of seeing someone alone, even if it's to find out why I stay, because if I was on the outside I'd be slapping myself silly right now xxxxxx

The fact that you're not having sex is the least of your problems. The fact that you're in a relationship with an abusive person and about to bring a child into this abusive environment is the problem you should focus on solving.

Children are brought into this world in all situations. We have conceived both our children when things have been good, but with out warning they can change as quickly.

 

I have tried my hardest to get him to realise we need help and the effect it will have on the children but I'm a drama queen.

 

And I know I should of left years ago, but I haven't and I can't really give a solid reason why but I'm here and I'm trying to get this relationship back to like it was in the beginning.

 

Xxxx

Sorry to say but you can never bring a relationship with an abusive person back to the love bombing it was in the beginning. It usually only gets worse. Even if he does seem to change, it's usually when he sees that he's losing you. And the fact that you stay no matter what it does gives him the feeling of entitlement that he can do whatever he wants to you and it's ok, because you always stay and allow it. This relationship has all the signs of an abusive relationship that can escalate to worse things and he seems to have some sort of narcissistic traits. People like that don't change... and even less when you allow them to keep disrespecting you.

I agree that your situation is delicate... you are pregnant and it's a fragile situation. You should create an escape plan before you leave if you decide to do so. Staying or not you need therapy to try to understand why you allowed this and to cope with the scars from the abuse. I would also advise you to have a good support network and tell your friends and family about what's happening. These people pray on the isolation of their victims. I also think that instead of putting him or the relationship as a priority you should put your newborn child first.

Another lesson to be learnt is that when someone attaches to you very fast, proposes and does everything fast and love bombs you in the very beginning of the relationship, it is usually a huge red flag.

Good luck.

Tell Your friends and family, not his. Waiting for the next police crisis is not effectively managing it, is it? What if the next incident is him harming your child? When will it be "time" for you to leave?

Go to the counselor alone not to fix him, to help you and save your kids from being brainwashed into staying. Many abused women have difficulty leaving and like you hide it from family.

No my family don't know, they live 300 miles away so I don't want to worry them. The police have been involved in the past so any trouble I can ring them and he's straight to court. We did have an consultation for counselling and she wanted to see us separate. I keep toying with the idea of seeing someone alone, even if it's to find out why I stay

Children are brought into this world in all situations. We have conceived both our children when things have been good, but with out warning they can change as quickly.

 

I have tried my hardest to get him to realise we need help and the effect it will have on the children but I'm a drama queen.

 

And I know I should of left years ago, but I haven't and I can't really give a solid reason why but I'm here and I'm trying to get this relationship back to like it was in the beginning.

 

Xxxx

You knew his history. You knew who he was. Stop making excuses.

I still don't understand why you are there??? Poor kids!!!