Ex (dumper) delays giving keys back. Why?

First time poster. Been viewing threads somewhat regularly for a few months now and figured I'd get a few opinions.

I'll give a little of the back story, try to keep it short, and can give further details if asked.

We dated seriously for 3 years. Over all it was a great relationship and easily the best one I've ever been in. Not that there weren't flaws or bumps ever.

She decided at the beginning of December to break up, saying she needed time because she wasn't happy with herself. It had nothing to with me, etc., etc. She stayed living in my house for another two weeks or so. Still hanging out, eating meals, going out, sex, shopping, family gatherings, and sleeping in the same bed during that time. She finally moves 95% of her stuff out with maybe three carloads left, and only insists on stopping over when I'm home. We're going on a month almost. All of our LC has been positive. I heard from a mutual friend that she is seeing the guy she moved in with but I don't know that for a fact. Nothing I can do about it anyway. Yet she is still texting me that she loves me, misses me, feels alone. I asked nicely weeks ago for her drop the keys off, and her reply is, "I know...this is just really hard. The breakup that is". I've asked numerous times. Plans are made and then she texts me a reason why she can't even though she has the ability to almost any day of the week. I guess I'm not mad or happy about this. Just confused.

Why is she delaying picking the last few items up and handing the keys over in your opinion?

Wow it sounds like she was seeing him and just went from your place to his place. Change the locks and let her arrange to get her things. She's busy with the new guy and that last bit of stuff isn't that important.

Send an email that you'll keep it for 30, 60, 90 whatever days, but then must dispose of it. Also tell her you've changed the locks so she should call and arrange a time to get her things.

She finally moves 95% of her stuff out with maybe three carloads left, and only insists on stopping over when I'm home. she is seeing the guy she moved in with. she is still texting me that she loves me, misses me, feels alone. I asked nicely weeks ago for her drop the keys off, and I've asked numerous times.Plans are made and then she texts me a reason why she can't even though she has the ability to almost any day of the week.

I think you need to face first a very unpleasant reality that she was actually cheating on you toward the end of your relationship. You don't just instantly move in with someone else. She was lining him up behind your back for a quite some time.

Having said that, she is that kind of a person where she can't be alone even for one day, so she will monkey branch from one relationship straight to next and in fact have the next already lined before she leaves the existing one. She is hanging on to the keys, not picking up her stuff because she is using you as a safety net in case things tank with her new guy. You are the back up and her stuff is insurance policy to maintain contact with you.

Don't put up with this please. Tell her to come get her stuff and if she is not willing, you will be packing it all up and dropping it off at mutual friend's or some such. Change your locks. Don't let a cheater like her string you along like this. Cut off all further contact for you. You sooo deserve better than this.

Yeah. It sure does sound like that. She kept telling me that wasn't the case and I wasn't even asking. The couple that brought it up to me said she thinks it was fairly recent that it started. Her boyfriend though, says they ain't seeing each other. My ex doesn't know about me knowing that "possible" tidbit of info. Can't do anything about it anyway. Just was curious what she seems to be holding out for. And the breadcrumbs, especially if she IS rebounding. Funny thing is she just text me as I was writing that.

Just lawn chairs and a box of papers. I ain't throwing any of that out. I'll set up the lawn chairs around the fire pit and burn the papers! I can change the locks. Just remembered she has the garage door clicker as well.

Hello, Retro, and welcome to the forum.

I am impressed with your outstanding approach. I'm sorry that you went through a break up, but I think your mature, even-handed and extremely positive, productive attitude is admirable, indeed.

As to why this is unfolding as it is, as often, I think Wiseman's insight is top shelf. What I hoped to add for your consideration is that by following his advice and changing your locks, just as a matter of pragmatic course, you are reinforcing your exceedingly proactive and self-validating behavior to date, and in my estimation, preserving and promoting the incredible groundwork you've put down is all important.

Whatever you decide and no matter what happens with this element, you should be patting yourself on your sensible and healthy shoulder. I wish you the best of luck.

She is hanging on to the keys, not picking up her stuff because she is using you as a safety net in case things tank with her new guy. You are the back up and her stuff is insurance policy to maintain contact with you.

 

Don't put up with this please. Tell her to come get her stuff and if she is not willing, you will be packing it all up and dropping it off at mutual friend's or some such. Change your locks. Don't let a cheater like her string you along like this. Cut off all further contact for you. You sooo deserve better than this.

This ^^^. She's stringing you along; she's with another guy, but her telling you how she loves you and misses you also ensures you'll find it very difficult to move on. "Feels alone" - my ****!

If you were ever to take her back, it would be the same - it would just be the other guy who's be getting the "loves me, misses me, feels alone" texts while you give her the roof over her head. Tell her that you totally respect her decision to end the relationship, but now you want to get on with your life. Then do as DancingFool suggests.

I am VERY certain she was wasn't physically cheating. We had the same work schedule and were always around each other outside of work. Even during that two week period where we were broke up but her still staying here. Possibly emotionally cheating I guess. I think she was setting up a place to go, during that two weeks. Why stick around for 2 1/2 weeks playing house if it was previously lined up? Who knows. It's amazing even to myself sometimes that I've been nice this whole time, considering how I was treated. And yeah, I do deserve better. I was really good to my ex and sometimes can't believe I got let go like that. Too old for this sh*t

Agree with this 100%.

I do deserve better.Too old for this sh*t

All very good advice and pretty much was I was thinking myself. I feel I am dealing with it pretty good considering. Yeah the first month I felt like I was in the 7th circle of hell, but never really led on to her that I was. She knew I missed her and wanted to work things out, if she was willing at that time. She is the only woman I've been with that I ever considered marrying. It still sucks sometimes but I realize the only choice is to move on and KEEP bettering myself. I feel a sense of confidence I haven't felt in a while. And if things really went down how they appear to have, it makes it easier to say Bye Bye!!!

On a side note, not being cocky, but every LTR I've been in I was the dumpee. And every time they came back reconcile. 4-6 months later. I've entertained that idea with my current ex and as time passes, I'm almost hoping it doesn't happen this time. But, apparently this guy is a complete dirt bag according to friends, so I probably will be getting the dreaded (coveted by some) text months down the road. Maybe not.

Whatever happens, I am genuinely rooting for you. You do deserve better and I don't think that it's cocky at all that you're aware of your own worth.

Based on what I've read, you've earned it.

Get new locks I have keypad. You pay a bit more but super easy to change. Also the garage door. Many have dip switches or something similar. Even though I moved out a long time ago. My ex was always chatting with me once I broke.

If what she left behind was simply lawn chairs and some papers, I doubt she'll want them back. That said, I agree with others, as to changing your locks.

I heard from a mutual friend that she is seeing the guy she moved in with but I don't know that for a fact. Nothing I can do about it anyway. Yet she is still texting me that she loves me, misses me, feels alone.

^

You're doing a huge disservice towards yourself by remaining in contact with her while she's living with the other guy. You're actually handing her your self-respect on a silver platter. Hopefully you'll start making this about you.

It's amazing even to myself sometimes that I've been nice this whole time, considering how I was treated. And yeah, I do deserve better. I was really good to my ex and sometimes can't believe I got let go like that. Too old for this sh*t

Actually, this course of action is very wise. By not getting hooked into the games, you're, er, not getting hooked into the games - i.e. emotionally involved in someone else's dysfunction. It's also easy to see who's treating who very badly, and makes it easier to let go. Finally, if you've really given your relationship your all, you can walk away without beating yourself up that things might not have ended if you'd behaved differently.

I'd recommend it every time.

On a side note, not being cocky, but every LTR I've been in I was the dumpee. And every time they came back reconcile. 4-6 months later. I've entertained that idea with my current ex and as time passes, I'm almost hoping it doesn't happen this time. But, apparently this guy is a complete dirt bag according to friends, so I probably will be getting the dreaded (coveted by some) text months down the road. Maybe not.

Wouldn't it be better to cut all contact and move on, hopefully to find someone with a bit more loyalty, than anticipate the return of someone who's already treated you like ****?

Im just going to echo what others are saying.

The keys are a symbol.. letting them go is letting you go. So why not you be the one that lets her go? She is dating someone else and just think about this. She moved right from one relationship straight to another. This tells me that she needs people to survive. She didnt go out and get her own place, she didnt go back to her parents to re-boot her life, she went to another man's place. To me this is a sign of that it doesnt matter whos keys she has, as long as she has keys. She wont let one go until she has another.

So as Wiseman and others have said. Change the locks, then gather her stuff and send her an email and tell her she has 30 days from todays date (or whenever you send the email) to arrange to pick up her items. If they are not picked up, they will be considered as abandoned and will be donated.

Im sorry that you are going thru this, I know it sucks, but from her actions..You are lucky that she is gone. Someone better is out there for you