Broken about behaviour post break up

Hi Everyone,

I've been using this site as a way to cope with my recent break up, but as it is a unique situation (as every break up is), I thought I'd actually post with the hope I'll get some advice.

So, I was with this man for a year. He moved in with my children and I 3 months ago. I should add, we had our issues before that. Specifically, I had caught him texting someone else, and the messages were not appropriate! I broke up with him and he fought tooth and nail to get me back. We had planned on moving in, but obviously that was off when we split. Anyway, good (or bad?) luck meant we had an opportunity to talk,and we decided to take the plunge and move in together. He explained that he had always hurt people and had not been a good husband in the past. He didn't want to be that way any more and wanted a life with me (abridged version of the conversation!)

So, we move in. It. Is. amazing. We do things together, have fun, he's great with the kids who love him too. Everything good. Of. Purse I have bouts of insecurity, but he puts those to rest quickly.

Fast forward 3 months. Still all okay, no arguments or anything (although he seems to be a little more insecure - such as taking offence to jokes that he previously would have laughed off etc), but I have a gut feeling all is not well. We go for a drink and I ask him what's up. What came next shattered me. He said he didn't think a relationship was for him, that he could see him ending up hurting me, didn't see a future for us and that although I was the perfect girlfriend, he couldn't carry on because he has issues and needs to be alone. Of course I asked if he'd met someone else and he swore he hadn't...and didn't want to. Said he wanted to be completely alone, although he said he might have the odd fling. To be fair I did believe him as I know when he's lying! So, he went. Completely left me.

I did the usual crying, called him a couple of times wanting answers as to why things changed so quickly etc. He always maintained that he wanted to be friends one day, but was clear he saw no future for us ever, although he did and does love me.

Now what I'm really ashamed of - I got sooo drunk one night and ended up on the phone to his ex wife. She has contacted me many times while we were together, telling me all the bad things he did to her. I talked to her, don't think I said anything very bad, but stil not good. As a result he said because I did that he will never speak to me again. No friendship, nothing. He blocked me on everything. I sent him a 'sorry' card and wrote that I took full responsibility, and that I hoped he could forgive me and one day be mates. Still heard nothing.

I'm more devastated about this than the actual break up. The thought of him hating me is almost too much to bear. I'm also angry that I forgave him for much worse (in my opinion!), although logically I know that's not relevant.

Right now all I want is a bit of kindness from him, and to know that even if he isn't ready now, one day we might be friends again. I think once the relationship based emotions are gone, we'd actually be great mates.

Don't know what I really want from this post other than to ask what I should do now? Leave him be is my instinct. He'lol either be in contact or not I suppose. I'm also confused as to why he would care so much about me speaking to her? I know she hates himand she didn't tell me anything I didn't already no, nor me her. I know I was stupid and thoughtless, but I'm finding it hard to accept that he could just turn like that, permenantly. Please help!! Xx

your instinct is correct. leave him be. regardless of what had happened, it already is in the past. I'm going to assume he was being sincere with you in telling you that there is no future because maybe he knows something about himself that you don't..yet.. so accept it as it is and focus on picking yourself up and on your children. they need you more than you need him. don't contact him and focus on being positive for the sake of your children!

Unfortunately it sounds like he is not ready willing or able to have an exclusive relationship, no less a committed one living together.

You can find much better men to have a relationship with and don't let them move in so quickly with your children at home. Don't be this desperate for a man.

There are many red flags here to learn from including the ex being in the picture so much, all the forewarning about being an unfaithful bad boy, texting women while in a relationship, just to name a few.

You are very fortune he left on his own accord, only wasted a year and that he blocked you so you can go no contact and heal. He is dirt.

He said he didn't think a relationship was for him, that he could see him ending up hurting me, didn't see a future for us. he said he might have the odd fling. He blocked me on everything.

I've accepted that we're over. Actually, even if he were to come back I wouldn't have him. Not only could I never trust him not to go again, but those red flags have become much brighter with a bit of clarity and time!

As for his ex being in the scene, she kind of has to be as they have a daughter. I think now her reasons for contacting me were partly to warn me, partly in the hope of ruining his life because she hates him. I think he's so angry because he feels I have handed her a victory (quite frankly after what he's done to her part of me thinks she deserves it!). Maybe I got caught in something much bigger and more complicated than I thought, it's not a normal reaction from him. Maybe the line between love and hate is finer than I imagined and I've been caught up in their game.

Have you considered that she may have a good reason to?

she hates him.

Oh she has for sure. No argument from me there. How funny, I just received the Bieber tickets he ordered for my daughter's birthday back in July, so he's not a complete s***.

Just realize that the greatest gift in life is our free will. He's made the decision that he doesn't want to be with you. So let him go. He's not an object that you own. By letting him go, you're also setting yourself free. Anytime I've been hurt and in despair over someone, I remind myself of this and it helps soooo much.

Its. It even about being together. I'm fine with being apart in a relationship sense. But he truly was my best mate. We had so much fun and we knew each other better than anyone else (not just saying that, won't go into details but we really did for various reasons). I am sad because he has cut me off completely. I get that is also his choice, so I have to respect that. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like heck though!

I meant it's *not* about being together.

You're upset because you did something really wrong and his feelings for you now are not good. Nobody likes to look like the bad guy.

In this case I'm really sorry for you, you did this out of desperation and sadness.

There's nothing else for you to do now but accept your mistake, and try to forgive yourself. He will forgive you in time. He'll realize you were just hurt but it probably won't be for a long time.

So he unblocked me from Whatsapp yesterday, thought he might be being a bit nosey or maybe wanting me to message? I don't know. But I didn't because I've apologised umpteen times to no a avail. Flogging a dead horse and all that. He re-blocked me tonight. I must admit I'm curious as to why he'd do this, but I won't get an answer without asking him and I'm not opening the door for more hurt.

I've met a really nice guy (accidentally, but I don't want to pass up what might be a great thing), so I think it's best to focus on myself, my kids and getting to know him...nice and slowly!!

yea curiosity is going to lead to more curiosity. just ignore what he is doing and focus on you and the kids! sounds like your head is in the right place

He emailed me late last night. Said he hoped my daughter enjoyed the concert and that he doesn't want to argue any more (we haven't really argued, but I know what he means!), signed off wishing me well.

I'm glad he's not furious with me any more, although it has bought back a bit of emotion. I think this is the best outcome I could hope for. Maybe one day when the feelings are well and truly gone we could be friends.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice.

I'm glad he did that, it helps to know his anger has faded.