Relationship Help - Should I stay or should I go?

I am 25 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now and this is my first real relationship. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but nothing too crazy. We live together with my mother (not very ideal, I know). I have a job but he does not and is having a hard time finding one. So as of right now he is dependent on me and even my mother sometimes. I love him very much but I do not get the emotional attention I want from him. Personally, I need to hear him say how much he loves me from time to time. I rarely get compliments from him either but I know he does love me. When I get compliments from strangers or guy friends, I am overly happy. I know I shouldn't seek attention from others but it's hard for me not to when I get nothing from my SO. It is starting to feel like a friendship and not a relationship. I have voiced my frustration numerous times but he hates talking about these types of things so it's almost impossible to get a real conversation out of him. My birthday is in a few days too and I've never got to spend it with him (the first, he messed up and the second, he was away because of work). But now he has no job or money. I am not looking for an extravagant gift but effort. I'm worried he won't do anything because he knows my family and friends will take care of me. We have talked about a future together, marriage and children, and I am positive he wants to stay with me. But I have no interest in getting married any time soon. Should this tell me that I should move on? Please be nice.

If your needs are not being met, then you should find someone more compatible. He will not change.

How long has he been out of work?

Get the book 'Love Languages" it explains why some people need verbal affirmations to feel love and why others may like to do things for those they love. It helps explain how important this is to you.

Unfortunately he sounds a bit lazy/closed off and is just coasting along, you need to shake things up a bit.

I need to hear him say how much he loves me from time to time. I rarely get compliments from him either but I know he does love me. it's almost impossible to get a real conversation out of him.

He lost his job back in March. He has been actively looking for a specific job, where he has to test and go to school for but he won't even study for the tests.

I haven't read it yet but I have looked it up online, I definitely need verbal affirmations and I've told him that but he struggles with being romantic at all. My family takes care of him, we just got back from Hawaii where he didn't have to pay for anything.

Good grief!

So, not only is he not emotionally supportive, he is also sponging off of you and your mom.

You can do much better!

Why does he live at your house? What wrong with his? What if your mother weren't supporting him? What would he do?/Where would he live? Is he drinking, smoking weed all day, depressed?

What does he do all day while you and your mother bust your butts to feed/house him? Give him 3 weeks to get a job and contribute or move out.

He lost his job back in March. He has been actively looking for a specific job, where he has to test and go to school for but he won't even study for the tests.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but his life has been a lot tougher than mine. He moved in because he had no where else to go. If i had my way, we would be loving separately. Honestly, he doesn't do anything around the house. Me and my mother do the housework and yard work. He doesn't drink really and doesn't smoke. I was worried he got into a slump of depression. But my needs are being ignored because of all of his issues now.

Why does he live at your house? What wrong with his? What if your mother weren't supporting him? What would he do?/Where would he live? Is he drinking, smoking weed all day, depressed?

 

What does he do all day while you and your mother bust your butts to feed/house him? Give him 3 weeks to get a job and contribute or move out.

Ok but you and your mother are not the welfare dept. He needs to contribute in some fashion. This idleness/mooching must generate a lot of tension/resentment, no?

He moved in because he had no where else to go. Honestly, he doesn't do anything around the house. Me and my mother do the housework and yard work. But my needs are being ignored because of all of his issues now.

Completely. I feel like I could burst at any moment, but he will not have an actual conversation about it with me. All he will say is "ok" or just not say anything at all.

Ok but you and your mother are not the welfare dept. He needs to contribute in some fashion. This idleness/mooching must generate a lot of tension/resentment, no?

What you see is what you get--a guy with a low work ethic and someone who doesn't work toward a goal to be able to contribute financially to a partnership. He also doesn't care enough about you to please you with simple things like compliments. If this is how it is in what is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon, beginning phases, what do you think lies ahead when even more stress is piled on like sharing bills for your own home and dividing chores and raising children together?

You are not a teen anymore, when you didn't have to think about if a guy was an ideal lifetime partner, and you wouldn't even know what one was back then. But now you're 25. It's time to really think about what you want in a lifetime partner, and you know it's not him, so stop wasting your precious years on someone who is clearly not "the one."

Many women are by nature nurturers. That's why you feel sorry that he's led a difficult life so far. Sorry, but caring about someone who doesn't meet your needs is settling. You are worthy of what you want. There are no do-overs with the one and only lifetime you have on the planet. Breakups happen all the time. Know you're doing it for the right reason and that you did give him a chance, but he didn't step up to the plate. Stupid guy.

Then tell him you need to find a job and move out in 30 days, my mother and I can not keep supporting you. Why enable him?

Completely. I feel like I could burst at any moment, but he will not have an actual conversation about it with me. All he will say is "ok" or just not say anything at all.

That's what I'm most worried about. Marrying a man and 10 years later looking back, thinking, I should have listened. I just feel like I'm being taken for granted. I put in all this effort but don't get any in return. Not even a simple compliment, which would literally brighten my whole day. This is my very first relationship so I'm in uncharted territory.

What you see is what you get--a guy with a low work ethic and someone who doesn't work toward a goal to be able to contribute financially to a partnership. He also doesn't care enough about you to please you with simple things like compliments. If this is how it is in what is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon, beginning phases, what do you think lies ahead when even more stress is piled on like sharing bills for your own home and dividing chores and raising children together?

 

You are not a teen anymore, when you didn't have to think about if a guy was an ideal lifetime partner, and you wouldn't even know what one was back then. But now you're 25. It's time to really think about what you want in a lifetime partner, and you know it's not him, so stop wasting your precious years on someone who is clearly not "the one."

 

Many women are by nature nurturers. That's why you feel sorry that he's led a difficult life so far. Sorry, but caring about someone who doesn't meet your needs is settling. You are worthy of what you want. There are no do-overs with the one and only lifetime you have on the planet. Breakups happen all the time. Know you're doing it for the right reason and that you did give him a chance, but he didn't step up to the plate. Stupid guy.

I don't know why I enable him. Maybe I'm afraid to be alone. He's my best friend and before him, I could never imagine myself being this open and close to a boyfriend.

Then tell him you need to find a job and move out in 30 days, my mother and I can not keep supporting you. Why enable him?

They are not supposed to look like this. A guy who sponges off you and your mother making excuses not to work/look for work. And not even have a kind word for you. When you dislodge this bloodsucking tick from your life you will find a grown up responsible man.

This is my very first relationship so I'm in uncharted territory.

Thank you for taking time to talk about this with me. As of right now I don't have anyone (with an unbiased opinion) to discuss it with.

They are not supposed to look like this. A guy who sponges off you and your mother making excuses not to work/look for work. And not even have a kind word for you. When you dislodge this bloodsucking tick from your life you will find a grown up responsible man.

What does your mother think of this mooch?

Has she ever suggested he move out and you defended him, saying he'd have nowhere to go?

He's a nice guy and gets along with my mom really well so she likes him. But thinks I deserve better. Unfortunately I get my nurturing side from her so we both don't want to kick him out.

What does your mother think of this mooch?

 

Has she ever suggested he move out and you defended him, saying he'd have nowhere to go?

Ok but he can get a job and contribute right? Your own mother thinks 'you deserve better'. Wow that's a ringing endorsement.

He's a nice guy and gets along with my mom really well so she likes him. But thinks I deserve better. Unfortunately I get my nurturing side from her so we both don't want to kick him out.

I know...I was just hoping he could do better. But I know people are who they are. In the end, no one really changes.

Ok but he can get a job and contribute right? Your own mother thinks 'you deserve better'. Wow that's a ringing endorsement.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but his life has been a lot tougher than mine. He moved in because he had no where else to go. If i had my way, we would be loving separately. Honestly, he doesn't do anything around the house. Me and my mother do the housework and yard work. He doesn't drink really and doesn't smoke. I was worried he got into a slump of depression. But my needs are being ignored because of all of his issues now.

C'mon. It doesn't matter what his background is. He should be helping around the house, and doing whatever is necessary to get a job! You are enabling this guy.

I think you need to understand why, and look into co dependency.

I make no excuses, I know I am enabling his lazy behavior. But as I said before, this is my very first relationship, so of course I am attached to this man. We have great times together. But I am here to figure out if the good outweighs the bad....

C'mon. It doesn't matter what his background is. He should be helping around the house, and doing whatever is necessary to get a job! You are enabling this guy.

 

I think you need to understand why, and look into co dependency.

No one gets away with anything unless someone lets them.

Also, keep in mind that if there are no consequences, there will be no change.

What motivation does he have to get a job and help around the house? So far, his laziness has netted him free food, housing and a trip to Hawaii. What's not to like? Why should he change?

Either you stop enabling this man or realize you're signing on to support him PLUS whatever kids you two have, as well as having to both work full time AND do all the household chores and childcare.

How does 40 years of THAT sound?

I make no excuses, I know I am enabling his lazy behavior. But as I said before, this is my very first relationship, so of course I am attached to this man. We have great times together. But I am here to figure out if the good outweighs the bad....

So what if it's your first relationship, do you lose all common sense. Are you going to support this leech forever, because he's your first relationship?

If you married, would you continue to support and play maid service to this lump and your kids. Be smart. He has shown you who he is, now it's time to accept it and move on.

No one gets away with anything unless someone lets them.

 

Also, keep in mind that if there are no consequences, there will be no change.

 

What motivation does he have to get a job and help around the house? So far, his laziness has netted him free food, housing and a trip to Hawaii. What's not to like? Why should he change?

 

Either you stop enabling this man or realize you're signing on to support him PLUS whatever kids you two have, as well as having to both work full time AND do all the household chores and childcare.

 

How does 40 years of THAT sound?

Yup!

OP, I wonder what you get out of this? Most would have kicked his behind to the curb

I would be so upset, if I were helping someone out financially - on a very temporary period - and they did noting around the house. Wow!! He does not respect you, or your mom. How can you respect this bum enough to sleep with him?