Uncertainty

Hey everyone! So i won't overwhelm you with a novel about my current situation but I just wanted some advice:

I've gone on 3 dates with a great guy who i met online, and when I truly feel a connection with someone, I feel it to a fault. It also doesnt help that I'm not the most confident person in the world and I overthink things. I haven't heard from him in 4 days, since our last date (although he did say he was going to travel for work today), and towards the end of the date when he was driving me home, he was weirdly quiet. Earlier in the date, during dinner, he spoke about traveling with me and was making plans for us to do all of these fun sporty activities with his friends and brother during Memorial Day Weekend, and all that good stuff. Suddenly, when i brought it up on the drive home, he starts shrugging it off almost, like "well i don't know when that's going to happen", and things of that nature. Long story short, I feel like I've been "ghosted" on after these 3 dates and in true "me" fashion, i'm wondering what I could've done wrong. I was considering texting him first but I've texted him first before and I don't want to feel like i'm bugging him, especially after the strange behavior from days ago.

So i guess my question is how do i not second-guess myself like this, and just move on with my life? I know it's only 3 dates and I should just play things by ear moving forward but it's difficult when I get attracted to someone's potential like this.

Its been 3 dates (only two if you're counting the first meet as a "date"). I suggest you just get your fine self back online and keep your options open. Don't listen to peoples words as being the truth (particularly when they are strangers like this guy is) but pay attention to their actions. Why did you bring up the future get-to-gethers on the way home? Were you just making conversation or were you trying to pin him down to a specific time line for those things to happen?

Anyway... He's on business as he's told you so for all you know, he may contact you when he's back and hasn't yet because he was too busy preparing himself for the trip??? Just get back online and see if you can connect with someone else in the meantime.

Its been 3 dates (only two if you're counting the first meet as a "date"). I suggest you just get your fine self back online and keep your options open. Don't listen to peoples words as being the truth (particularly when they are strangers like this guy is) but pay attention to their actions. Why did you bring up the future get-to-gethers on the way home? Were you just making conversation or were you trying to pin him down to a specific time line for those things to happen?

 

Anyway... He's on business as he's told you so for all you know, he may contact you when he's back and hasn't yet because he was too busy preparing himself for the trip??? Just get back online and see if you can connect with someone else in the meantime.

I really am trying to keep my options open, but my mind unfortunately keeps going back to him, as much as its bumming me out. That's one of my vices: falling for words and believing people will stay true to their words. I brought up the trip and whatever else there was just for the sake of conversation and because I was genuinely excited about the possibility of things happening.

He told me the next day after our date would just be spent cleaning up his apartment and today was when he'd be leaving for a 1-2 day work trip. I'm trying to connect with others, absolutely. Thank you

Did you usually text more between dates?

I feel like I've been "ghosted"

There really isn't much you can do about it, because it's not really your choice. Sometimes you have to say, "Well, that was disappointing," and just let it go. Then go out with friends, have a great time, maybe allow yourself to wallow in pity for a bit, then pick yourself up and move on.

Three dates in he's not feeling it or maybe he senses you're over-investing or maybe he's dating other girls or.or.or. The fact is you both still don't really know each other or even if this is going to pan out.

To that end you have to have enough other things going in your life not to make only one possible be the thing you're fully and only counting on. That makes for a pretty bad time of it anytime something doesn't work out.

And yeah, I know it sucks. I know it hurts. Heck when I was dating I had someone do that to me after three months, right about the time I thought, "Okay, this is starting to get serious." Nope. It stung like a mother and then I went about my life and the hurt faded soon enough.

Sorry, right now you're upset the fantasy in your head isn't probably going to come true. And I say that because at three dates that's still kind of what it is. You don't even know him well enough to understand that maybe something he does or says will one day be that thorn in your side that makes you sorry you ever met the guy. That kind of stuff usually comes out bit by bit. In the beginning though, all the shining potential and hope can sort of blind you.

So yes, find other things to do, maybe pull back a bit even, and go about your life. One way or another it will sort itself out whether it's that he totally loses interest or yes even a month from now that you do if you two do continue to date. (Happened to me.)

Did you usually text more between dates?

Eh, it varies - sometimes we talk every day, other times there's been a 1-2 gap between texts. Before our more recent date, I texted him on the 3rd day to just confirm which day we would go out. He said he'd let me know the next day, but i didn't hear back until the day after that, but that was small talk and he didn't mention the date until saturday, when we went out. The texting schedule is unpredictable, i guess

There really isn't much you can do about it, because it's not really your choice. Sometimes you have to say, "Well, that was disappointing," and just let it go. Then go out with friends, have a great time, maybe allow yourself to wallow in pity for a bit, then pick yourself up and move on.

 

Three dates in he's not feeling it or maybe he senses you're over-investing or maybe he's dating other girls or.or.or. The fact is you both still don't really know each other or even if this is going to pan out.

 

To that end you have to have enough other things going in your life not to make only one possible be the thing you're fully and only counting on. That makes for a pretty bad time of it anytime something doesn't work out.

 

And yeah, I know it sucks. I know it hurts. Heck when I was dating I had someone do that to me after three months, right about the time I thought, "Okay, this is starting to get serious." Nope. It stung like a mother and then I went about my life and the hurt faded soon enough.

 

Sorry, right now you're upset the fantasy in your head isn't probably going to come true. And I say that because at three dates that's still kind of what it is. You don't even know him well enough to understand that maybe something he does or says will one day be that thorn in your side that makes you sorry you ever met the guy. That kind of stuff usually comes out bit by bit. In the beginning though, all the shining potential and hope can sort of blind you.

 

So yes, find other things to do, maybe pull back a bit even, and go about your life. One way or another it will sort itself out whether it's that he totally loses interest or yes even a month from now that you do if you two do continue to date. (Happened to me.)

That's actually a very insightful perspective, thank you! It does seem like i was blinded by things and actually, funny that you mention the other girls he could possibly be talking to because on date 2, when we were heading back home, i saw that he was chatting with someone on a dating app while seated right next to me. It stung like a mf but i tried to shrug it off because i liked him so much. He even deliberately tilted his phone away from me so i wouldnt see 0.0 I was in awe, and still am, but i tried to rationalize things and kept it moving.

That's actually a very insightful perspective, thank you! It does seem like i was blinded by things and actually, funny that you mention the other girls he could possibly be talking to because on date 2, when we were heading back home, i saw that he was chatting with someone on a dating app while seated right next to me. It stung like a mf but i tried to shrug it off because i liked him so much. He even deliberately tilted his phone away from me so i wouldnt see 0.0 I was in awe, and still am, but i tried to rationalize things and kept it moving.

I'd have left. It's one thing to be multiple dating in the beginning it's quite another to be so rude, insensitive, and d-baggery to be in contact with them while on a date with you.

Don't be disappointed, you've dodged at bullet.

I'd have left. It's one thing to be multiple dating in the beginning it's quite another to be so rude, insensitive, and d-baggery to be in contact with them while on a date with you.

 

Don't be disappointed, you've dodged at bullet.

In that moment, my twisted train of thought was all "well he's probably just tired and drunk and not thinking rationally. It's fine, maybe he'll act differently next time and i'll need to prove that i'm enough for him." It's warped, and I was strangely ok with that in the moment because i liked him that much. =/

I absolutely agree, it's so messed up that he did that, and i think it is better that i saw this stupid side of him now rather than later on when I was even more invested in this golden boy. The bullet's definitely been dodged!

This takes 'multitasking' to a whole new level.

i saw that he was chatting with someone on a dating app while seated right next to me.

This takes 'multitasking' to a whole new level.

You're not kidding it was such a douchey move but i started to think whether it'd bother me if i hadn't actually seen it with my own eyes. Like ok, 2 dates in, neither of us owes the other anything, so he must be talking to other people. I know he should've just, out of courtesy, held off on writing to others until he wasn't next to me but i was worried that if i looked too hurt by things, he'd think i was overly-involved in him and too clingy, so i played it off as a whatever-thing.

That's actually a very insightful perspective, thank you! It does seem like i was blinded by things and actually, funny that you mention the other girls he could possibly be talking to because on date 2, when we were heading back home, i saw that he was chatting with someone on a dating app while seated right next to me. It stung like a mf but i tried to shrug it off because i liked him so much. He even deliberately tilted his phone away from me so i wouldnt see 0.0 I was in awe, and still am, but i tried to rationalize things and kept it moving.

I'm sorry, but that is really rude to be chatting with someone on a dating app, while out with you. That would have been my last date with him.

Honey, get back on that dating site and find alternate plans for the weekend. You can do much better than this guy!!!!

I'm sorry, but that is really rude to be chatting with someone on a dating app, while out with you. That would have been my last date with him.

 

Honey, get back on that dating site and find alternate plans for the weekend. You can do much better than this guy!!!!

It should've been my last date with him, for sure. He was showing me more attention after that, with the hand-holding and kisses and all of that, and I let myself get caught up in his ways rather than see the situation for what it was.

Thank you for your kind words!

It should've been my last date with him, for sure. He was showing me more attention after that, with the hand-holding and kisses and all of that, and I let myself get caught up in his ways rather than see the situation for what it was.

 

Thank you for your kind words!

 

To a fellow NYC girl, you deserve much better!

 

You'll find a nice guy

I know he should've just, out of courtesy, held off on writing to others until he wasn't next to me but i was worried that if i looked too hurt by things, he'd think i was overly-involved in him and too clingy, so i played it off as a whatever-thing.

I can see doing that to save face until the end of the date--but not to go into denial and reinvest in the guy.

The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches, not to latch onto one of those and try to rehab him with charm.

Don't spin yourself into overlooking red flags and douchebag moves. Here's advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when don't value yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Recognize the snake when you see it, and walk away.

Head high.

It's not him doing it, it's him doing it with you sitting right there. Rude much?

You need to learn not to excuse something you see simply because you like someone. And people who show no basic manners but are "charming" with a capital C is usually a pretty big red flag. There's a reason he's so good at wowing people if he's pulling that kind of stunt.

I mean I dated a ton at one point, but no matter how bad my date was I wasn't looking at my phone trying to line the next one up. Or on my phone at all, period. Except for an emergency, which I only ever had happen once in all of my dating career (kitchen fire, don't ask) I still tried to engage with the person in front of me and not resort to basic douchery.

Sorry, but this guy would already be blocked by me for that.

You need to understand that some people are very, very charming because they've learned that's how to get things from people. This applies to both men and women and it's kind of a defense mechanism similar to a lizard's camouflage. The trick is not to discredit what you see and hear, because most red flags are sitting right out there.

Never discount what you know or feel in favor of someone else or because you don't want it to be the truth. At best you end up manipulated, sometimes it can get you hurt or worse.

Stay safe when you're dating, have a good time, but pay attention. You'll be a whole lot happier in the long run if you spot red flags and listen to them than if you try to excuse away other people's bad behaviors. A default setting that yes, I as a former "nice girl" had to learn to reset for my own personal safety both emotionally and physically.

So just work on that, keep moving forward, when you date someone who generally is a good person that will shine through and there won't be any weirdness to it. He'll just be a regular guy trying to get to know you and he'll have some manners and consideration and there won't be anything of the "I wouldn't do that to him, why is he doing it to me," variety.

And yes, he's seeing other people. If it stings like that on one date then you're overinvesting at the first guy who catches your attention and yeah, you need to pull back. Go book some other activities with friends and new dates, stop contacting him first at all, ask yourself if this is really something you want or need to engage in.

Again, I'm not faulting the guy for dating other people. You should too until it gets serious, because putting all of the eggs in one basket of "It must work out with this one person, it just has to" is not a good or smart move at all. But his lack of basic manners, yeah that's a red flag.

No guy I know would put up with that and you shouldn't either. Work out ahead of time what are dealbreakers for you and don't deviate from those, because they're the things that tell you about a person's basic character and consideration of others.

You'll do a whole lot better.

Thank you so much everyone, your words mean a lot!

I can see doing that to save face until the end of the date--but not to go into denial and reinvest in the guy.

 

The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches, not to latch onto one of those and try to rehab him with charm.

 

Don't spin yourself into overlooking red flags and douchebag moves. Here's advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when don't value yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

 

Recognize the snake when you see it, and walk away.

 

Head high.

Thank you, that's absolutely something to keep in mind! I guess I just don't ever want to walk away from something without feeling like I didn't give it my all, and I don't wanna be stuck on the notion that "maybe if i did this, or maybe if i did that, things would turn out differently." That's where my overanalyzing-tendencies kick in but yea, it's time to recognize when to walk away and not latch on to something not worth latching on to.

It's not him doing it, it's him doing it with you sitting right there. Rude much?

 

You need to learn not to excuse something you see simply because you like someone. And people who show no basic manners but are "charming" with a capital C is usually a pretty big red flag. There's a reason he's so good at wowing people if he's pulling that kind of stunt.

 

I mean I dated a ton at one point, but no matter how bad my date was I wasn't looking at my phone trying to line the next one up. Or on my phone at all, period. Except for an emergency, which I only ever had happen once in all of my dating career (kitchen fire, don't ask) I still tried to engage with the person in front of me and not resort to basic douchery.

 

Sorry, but this guy would already be blocked by me for that.

 

You need to understand that some people are very, very charming because they've learned that's how to get things from people. This applies to both men and women and it's kind of a defense mechanism similar to a lizard's camouflage. The trick is not to discredit what you see and hear, because most red flags are sitting right out there.

 

Never discount what you know or feel in favor of someone else or because you don't want it to be the truth. At best you end up manipulated, sometimes it can get you hurt or worse.

 

Stay safe when you're dating, have a good time, but pay attention. You'll be a whole lot happier in the long run if you spot red flags and listen to them than if you try to excuse away other people's bad behaviors. A default setting that yes, I as a former "nice girl" had to learn to reset for my own personal safety both emotionally and physically.

 

So just work on that, keep moving forward, when you date someone who generally is a good person that will shine through and there won't be any weirdness to it. He'll just be a regular guy trying to get to know you and he'll have some manners and consideration and there won't be anything of the "I wouldn't do that to him, why is he doing it to me," variety.

 

And yes, he's seeing other people. If it stings like that on one date then you're overinvesting at the first guy who catches your attention and yeah, you need to pull back. Go book some other activities with friends and new dates, stop contacting him first at all, ask yourself if this is really something you want or need to engage in.

 

Again, I'm not faulting the guy for dating other people. You should too until it gets serious, because putting all of the eggs in one basket of "It must work out with this one person, it just has to" is not a good or smart move at all. But his lack of basic manners, yeah that's a red flag.

 

No guy I know would put up with that and you shouldn't either. Work out ahead of time what are dealbreakers for you and don't deviate from those, because they're the things that tell you about a person's basic character and consideration of others.

 

You'll do a whole lot better.

This is actually exactly what I need to embed into my brain moving forward. I've heard from many guys that i've dated about how they love how "nice" i am, how "laid-back" i am, how i don't "pressure" them. I try and justify so much and let so much slide and lo & behold, it ends up biting me in the butt when I'm left to wonder where everything went wrong when the guys ghost. The first date was a dream with him, he was telling me how sweet i am and how he'd love to travel with me, and I pretty much became the heart-eyes emoji right then and there. It was everything and more, and when something is going so well, i start wondering if little things (that should actually be considered red flags) are worth being hurt by.

To a fellow NYC girl, you deserve much better!

 

You'll find a nice guy

 

Thank you so much!

Dating should go two ways.

Please don't over invest in people you do not know. If something feels off, it usually is. Stop doubting yourself so much!

Another red flag, being over=complimentary and talking about "future" anything when you've only just met them. Instead of "OH, I think I've found my soulmate," you need to be asking yourself, "Okay, Pal. Why the rush to create a false intimacy? Travel with you? I don't even fricking know you."

Future faking is something players and manipulators use. They create a false sense of intimacy in a rushed manner by getting you to look into the future and see yourself with the person, to get excited about what's to come, instead of just looking at what is right in front of you.

No guy I ever dated or had a relationship pulled that on me. They just wanted to know about me and let me know about them then plan another date. Smooth talking, over-flattery, future "we're gonna" when you barely know each other? Also red flags. Big ones.

This guy has got a pretty set MO. Next it'll be how he's been waiting for a girl just like you and he's so happy he FINALLY found you, blah-blah-blah, more flattery, more future plans, now let's go to bed, oh I know you aren't that kind of girl, I'm not that kind of guy, come on just a kiss, let's go to Italy next year, blah-blah-blah.

It's actually pretty paint by numbers.

BTW sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like you're hanging with the wrong guys if they just keep complimenting you on your passivity and unwillingness to raise any waves. Those really aren't the kinds of things a good man is looking for. He wants to know he has someone who will have his back and can raise some heck if she has to, he won't be afraid of a woman who can speak her mind and have a backbone.

Always beware the person who wants only a yes man or yes woman around them. Those have another agenda, usually not a good one.

Thank you, that's absolutely something to keep in mind! I guess I just don't ever want to walk away from something without feeling like I didn't give it my all,

Give 'what' your all? An effort to hide reality from yourself while you attempt to manipulate someone into a different reality?

Give 'who' your all? A guy who demo's disrespect for you?

Why not reserve your 'all' for your Self first, and then for someone who offers simpatico and real potential--rather than disregard--in exchange for your 'all'?

and I don't wanna be stuck on the notion that "maybe if i did this, or maybe if i did that, things would turn out differently." That's where my overanalyzing-tendencies kick in but yea, it's time to recognize when to walk away and not latch on to something not worth latching on to.

Well, if you only did 'this or that,' we're talking about a belief in your own ability to manipulate again.

The goal isn't to maneuver the best possible illusion. It's to Pay Attention and observe whether on a scale of 1 to 10, the neutral trust level you offer someone will show you, over time, to invest more trust or to withdraw your trust and walk away.

Dis-illusionment sucks and hurts, so don't set yourself up to believe illusions and fantasies about another person. Show them exactly who you are, and observe whether they are willing to show you the same over t.i.m.e. It's not necessarily a 'win' to make it to 3, 4 or more dates with a guy who glides you along while you overlook dealbreakers just to stay in a fantasy. The consequences of that will only bite harder the longer you hide truths from your Self.

Allow bad matches to pass early. If a guy disrespects you, ghosts you or drops you, then he is, by definition, someone who does not own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value--so by definition, he is a bad match. He's simply not for you regardless of whether you've pretzeled yourself 'well enough' to please him.

Be yourself, be relaxed and proud of yourself, and head high.

The first date was a dream with him, he was telling me how sweet i am and how he'd love to travel with me,

Speaking of travel on date one is awfully premature. It's a seduction technique called 'painting a future picture,' or 'future speak,' and it's designed to see how well you can be hooked into fantasy.

Skip anyone who talks of travel, love, marriage, kids or anything that requires more t.i.m.e. to establish trust, compatibility and love first.

Someone who sounds like they're rushing is hiding something. They may or may not be conscious of what they're hiding, but healthy people have no need to paint fantasies for themselves--or anyone else--in order to bond with another healthy person.

Dating should go two ways.

 

Please don't over invest in people you do not know. If something feels off, it usually is. Stop doubting yourself so much!

It's something i'll need to work on. It's tough because I get so caught up in someone's potential in that moment and I get so excited that someone so wonderful is attracted to me that I start getting myself excited about what's to come. Again, it comes down to my self-esteem, or the itty-bit of it i have. Here's this incredible guy with whom i have so much in common - traveling, wanting a family, both love adventure, have mutual friends - and he's found something in me that he must like since he texts me and sees me. I don't give myself enough credit yet i gave him the world of it. I'll be working on that, without a doubt!