Partner says they won't miss you while on trip, how bad is that?

My wife is currently on a cruise with her mom. They are spending time together as they don't get to much and my mother in law has cancer. So this is a good trip for them. Here's the issue. On Tuesday morning on my way to work heading out the door we were saying our goodbyes, I was hugging her and instinctively said I'll miss you. She didn't say anything when we separated she said I won't miss you, but I might think about you. She had made no contact in this trip, which is unlike her. She won't return my texts or calls either so not only not contacting me but not returning mine. I never saw this coming and feel hurt by this. So question, should I feel hurt by this? And do other couples experience this and I'm just being sensative?

Very strange, Mfic.

"I won't miss you, but I might think about you."

Goes to show. One can live with or be married to a person, and yet not really know what goes on in their mind....

That does seem strange, especially if it's out of character.

That said, if this is a bonding trip for your wife with her mom who has cancer, then I'm sure this will be an emotionally intense trip. Honestly, she'll have so much on her mind and wanting to focus only on her mom that I doubt she'll even have time to think about you much less miss you. She's probably struggling with coming to terms with this emotionally and probably grieving too which can sometimes cause people to shrink away from loved ones and into themselves.

Now, it's about her and her mom, not about her relationship with you. Give her some space to come to terms with this and be there for her.

Very strange. May be a reaction to her mother being ill ?

I'll admit that when it comes to time apart for trips and such, I'm probably one of the best copers. My girlfriend's in Bermuda right now with her surrogate family from university. I couldn't go as I can't take time off work during the academic year. It's hard to say I miss her because it's not like I'm aching with her gone. It's an opportunity for me to shamelessly eat pizza for a week straight and be able to fall asleep with the TV on. I definitely think about her, though.

That said, I do say "I miss you" back when she says it. In my head, I just choose to interpret it as "it will be good to see you back." I think it's a bit troubling that your partner would say "I won't miss you," and without any more positive a qualifier to accompany it than "but I will think of you" at that. I wouldn't jump the gun with interpretations, though. When she gets back, ask her to expound.

ETA: Don't know how I missed the ailing mother bit, but I retract the suggestion to ask her to elaborate when she returns. I'd stay aware but let it slide.

That does seem strange, especially if it's out of character.

 

That said, if this is a bonding trip for your wife with her mom who has cancer, then I'm sure this will be an emotionally intense trip. Honestly, she'll have so much on her mind and wanting to focus only on her mom that I doubt she'll even have time to think about you much less miss you. She's probably struggling with coming to terms with this emotionally and probably grieving too which can sometimes cause people to shrink away from loved ones and into themselves.

 

Now, it's about her and her mom, not about her relationship with you. Give her some space to come to terms with this and be there for her.

Thank you. I will do that. Do I tell her how I feel when she gets back? Or let it go. We have complete honesty, so I can't be upset that she said that, if that's the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, so I'm not upset or angry she said it, but I am hurt that's the case as I thought we have rebuilt our relationship and that it was super strong. She did say Monday night that she is happy and loved me very much. But this just feels like a break, and maybe I'm feeling a break from me when maybe it's just a break for her? And not about me? But I would think a simple hey checking in text or something idk so confused

Yes you are being sensitive and self centered. This might be her last trip with her mother ever. Her mother may or may not survive cancer. So yes, your wife is distraught and has a lot on her mind and her plate. Last thing she needs is for you to get all needy and emotional and dump that on her plate too. Try being strong and supportive instead.

It was " I MIGHT think of you".

Anyhow, Mfic. You mention having "rebuilt" your relationship. What happened before, if I may ask?

Absolutely, no matter where you are, and even out of plain courtesy, one would send if only ONE text a day to say "all is well" or whatever. Very strange.

I do not see any neediness here:

"we were saying our goodbyes, I was hugging her and instinctively said I'll miss you."

In fact I see it as affectionate and rather nice.

When my ex-husband used to work away (usually a week at a time) I didn't really miss him. I think relationships go passed the point where you miss them because you are with them every day and you actually relish some time alone. It doesn't mean you don't love them anymore or don't want to be with them .... it's just nice to have some space.

That being said, I think it is unusual for her not to return your calls or texts. I would say, whatever the circumstances of a trip, it is unusual to completely ignore your spouse.

It was " I MIGHT think of you".

 

Anyhow, Mfic. You mention having "rebuilt" your relationship. What happened before, if I may ask?

 

Absolutely, no matter where you are, and even out of plain courtesy, one would send if only ONE text a day to say "all is well" or whatever. Very strange.

 

I do not see any neediness here:

 

"we were saying our goodbyes, I was hugging her and instinctively said I'll miss you."

 

In fact I see it as affectionate and rather nice.

She had an affair 6 years ago. Been together 12 years married 10, 11 in September. She has had a lot of sexual intimacy issues and we've had help, got some books, and we currently read a book by Dr Laura together now. Usually a chapter a week. Way lay in bed together and read and discuss it together. I feel it has helped a lot. We are very active in intamacy now, and I finally feel good. Until this lol. That's why I feel I was hit upside the head out of nowhere like bam. And I didn't see it coming.

Thank you. I will do that. Do I tell her how I feel when she gets back? Or let it go. We have complete honesty, so I can't be upset that she said that, if that's the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, so I'm not upset or angry she said it, but I am hurt that's the case as I thought we have rebuilt our relationship and that it was super strong. She did say Monday night that she is happy and loved me very much. But this just feels like a break, and maybe I'm feeling a break from me when maybe it's just a break for her? And not about me? But I would think a simple hey checking in text or something idk so confused

I do agree that a simple note to check-in is expected and it's puzzling that she didn't. Maybe she just wants to block out everything except her mom? I'm just speculating. People can be very different when emotionally distressed and not follow usual considerations.

I think you should see how she is when she gets back. If she seems more communicative, I'd let it slide. If she's still distant, I wouldn't confront her about it. Maybe gently remind her that your relationship is strong and she can rely on you to be there for her if she needs it. But don't put any more burdens or pressure on her at this point. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Once more, with feeling: (and this is the whole point) not wheter we like space, don't like space or the rest.....

"She didn't say anything when we separated she said I won't miss you, but I might think about you."

It would have been better if she hadn't said anything!!

As J.Man said:

" I think it's a bit troubling that your partner would say "I won't miss you,"

No matter who is ailing in your family and what you feel you don't say something like that.

When my ex-husband used to work away (usually a week at a time) I didn't really miss him. I think relationships go passed the point where you miss them because you are with them every day and you actually relish some time alone. It doesn't mean you don't love them anymore or don't want to be with them .... it's just nice to have some space.

 

That being said, I think it is unusual for her not to return your calls or texts. I would say, whatever the circumstances of a trip, it is unusual to completely ignore your spouse.

We have been together so long that I don't expect her to miss me. What's to miss lol. But I do feel she would think about me and contact me even if just for a second. Last year she went to London with her sister and we face timed every night, so to not do that or text is really off putting especially the day after she says how happy she is and loves me

Once more, with feeling: (and this is the whole point) not wheter we like space, don't like space or the rest.....

 

"She didn't say anything when we separated she said I won't miss you, but I might think about you."

 

It would have been better if she hadn't said anything!!

 

As J.Man said:

 

" I think it's a bit troubling that your partner would say "I won't miss you,"

 

No matter who is ailing in your family and what you feel you don't say something like that.

Yes, I understand that. But when a person is emotionally distressed and feels emotionally vulnerable, even saying something as simple as "I miss you" may be too intense. I know, whether wrong or right, that in the past when I was in intense state, the last thing I wanted to admit was that I needed someone, which included statements about missing or loving someone. So I'm just saying, it could potentially explain it - it's not about him right now. It's about his wife and her mom. I'd monitor this and see how things continue, but based on this one instance alone, I'd cut her some slack.

NOW it has all become crystal clear to me, OP. Yes!

Burn that damn Dr. Laura book. How do such lunatics ever get into print.

Yep:

"she said I won't miss you, but I might think about you."

Same effort required to say that as simply saying something else, NOT even "I'll miss you" or anything "too intense".

Yes, I understand that. But when a person is emotionally distressed and feels emotionally vulnerable, even saying something as simple as "I miss you" may be too intense. I know, whether wrong or right, that in the past when I was in intense state, the last thing I wanted to admit was that I needed someone, which included statements about missing or loving someone. So I'm just saying, it could potentially explain it - it's not about him right now. It's about his wife and her mom. I'd monitor this and see how things continue, but based on this one instance alone, I'd cut her some slack.

Ok just let it go then. I will try to do that. I'm all for the trip btw. My father died of brain cancer and everyday wish I had more time. Her mom is a warrior survived uteran, lung, breast( both removed ) and it just got in the lymph nodes and she turned 65 on Sunday. So it's very important she gets that time and build good memories while she can.

But of course, Mfic. And any thinking person would see that it is wonderful that your wife CAN have this precious time alone with her mother.

There is not a day goes by but I wish y parents were still around.....

Ok just let it go then. I will try to do that. I'm all for the trip btw. My father died of brain cancer and everyday wish I had more time. Her mom is a warrior survived uteran, lung, breast( both removed ) and it just got in the lymph nodes and she turned 65 on Sunday. So it's very important she gets that time and build good memories while she can.

All this and you still don't get that this isn't about you????

All this and you still don't get that this isn't about you????

I get its not about me, but that doesn't mean going no contact is healthy or saying things she chose to say, but didn't have to, is ok. Guaranteed if I'm gone a week and don't reach out or return her texts and calls she would go ape

i am fully with you, Mfic, on this one.

"I get its not about me, but that doesn't mean going no contact is healthy or saying things she chose to say, but didn't have to, is ok. Guaranteed if I'm gone a week and don't reach out or return her texts and calls she would go ape"

She certainly did NOT have to say what she said. Better to have said nothing.

I have been under horrendous strain at various times in my life, ..loved ones very ill, people dying, other problems, but that doesn't mean I would say such a thing to my spouse, .....

Secure couples can be apart and feel fine. Also, she is on a cruise so who knows the connectivity there. Most importantly, she is away with her dying mother. As far as miss you vs thinking of you? I would give her a break, she may be in a somber mindset given the circumstances. Just relax and enjoy hearing about her trip when she returns.

i am fully with you, Mfic, on this one.

 

"I get its not about me, but that doesn't mean going no contact is healthy or saying things she chose to say, but didn't have to, is ok. Guaranteed if I'm gone a week and don't reach out or return her texts and calls she would go ape"

 

She certainly did NOT have to say what she said. Better to have said nothing.

 

I have been under horrendous strain at various times in my life, ..loved ones very ill, people dying, other problems, but that doesn't mean I would say such a thing to my spouse, .....

Thank you!!

How I handle it when she gets back is the tricky part. Some say don't say anything, others advice say something. Hmm

I was planning on just saying, I support you, I'm here for you, but not contacting me or saying negative things right before you leave is not cool. Would have been nice knowing everything is ok, and your safe.

How does that sound?

Secure couples can be apart and feel fine. Also, she is on a cruise so who knows the connectivity there. Most importantly, she is away with her dying mother. As far as miss you vs thinking of you? I would give her a break, she may be in a somber mindset given the circumstances. Just relax and enjoy hearing about her trip when she returns.

Last two days will be in Canada, so she can contact there. Not on the cruise, which I'm not concerned about, but the days in Canada she most certainly could.

Your wife's mother is dying and you want to lecture her about not being 100% tethered to you? Try a bit more compassion.

I was planning on just saying, I support you, I'm here for you, but not contacting me or saying negative things right before you leave is not cool. Would have been nice knowing everything is ok, and your safe.

Honestly that sounds like you are criticizing her during probably what is one of the most stressful and distressing times in her life. It's making it about you again. The way you phrased it is all about how she worried you, not that you are worried about her. You know what I mean?

Plus conjecturing again, not knowing more about her, she may not have known what she said was negative. Again, I'm basing this on my past actions (again right or wrong), when I was emotionally distraught and couldn't admit I needed someone. I may not be able to say I love you or I miss you, but I would try to mitigate that by saying something I could do, which is I could think about someone. So in her mind she may be trying to find a way to protect her emotions while giving you something. So, again if this is the only instance, cut her some slack. Or else you'll risk pushing her further away. What she needs now is understanding and compassion. Not judgment. We'd all love it if we can act perfectly all the time, but we aren't perfect.

If you must say something, I would just say: I support you and I'm here for you. I care about you and your safety and worry about you when I don't hear from you for this long. Next time just check in and let me know you're okay, okay? I love you.