How do I learn not to care about relationships and/or sex?

I've always struggled with this concept and now, more than ever, I really want to be able to NOT care about wanting a GF and/or sex.

Some of you may know me from positing on here since my painful break up 2 years ago. I never had much self esteem but after the break up, I was in a very, very bad spot. Since then, I've managed to build myself back up, but I'm not quite back to where I was before. I also feel like a different person and I am not sure that's good or bad, yet.

During this time, I've also tried to date, unsuccessfully for various reasons (you can look back at some of my more recent posts about my dating struggles). And I've had a few casual relationships. The latter just made me want more (companionship and sex).

I have also used sex in the past to seek validation, amongst the fact that I just like having sex. Sometimes, I crave it like a drug. I want to be in a place where if I am having it, then fine, but if not, that's fine too and I am not getting cravings for it.

At this point, I really want to give up on trying to find a GF and to not care about sex. I do believe I had become slightly obsessed about the latter and too focused on the former. I'm not quite sure how accomplish what I want to do. I have removed myself from all the dating sites and apps that I was on, in addition to removing myself from Facebook. I don't think Facebook was helping me for several different aspects of my life, including relationships. It depressed me to see friends get into new relationships and to see others happy in their established ones.

Like I said, I want to get to a point where I just don't care about either, especially during the holiday season. I know what some of you will say: go to the gym, hang out with friends, pick up an old hobby. I've done these things but it doesn't seem to really help with feeling lonely and craving physical intimacy, they're just distractions and not a "belief", for lack of a better word. I hope I make sense. I feel like if I get to a point where I just don't care, then I just might meet someone (I've basically given up completely with online dating). I don't know, maybe I am just repeating myself.

I think you did a smart thing by removing yourself from Facebook. Good for you (that crap is unhealthy). Same for dating sites etc.......do it old school way man!

It also seems like you still have a lot of work to figure yourself out! It's not easy!!!

But for you to say "I want to get to a point where I just don't care about relationships/sex" is quite opposite of "finding yourself".You are simply FIGHTING Yourself by doing that.

Look, it's completely normal for you to crave/want companionship and intimacy. I think you might be getting 2 confused, especially with actions you took after your last relationship.

The reason you don't want sex, is because you found out how worthless/irrelevant sex is WITHOUT FEELINGS.

And the reason you don't want relationships is because you are just fed up and disappointed with your current progress. And IMO you shouldn't be. I also think you are trying WAY too hard. Back off, relax and be cool man.

BE OPTIMISTIC and POSITIVE about your future. Your thread does NOT sound like ANY of that.

And no, you cannot defeat NATURE. And it's human nature for you to crave/want companionship and intimacy. By assuming you CAN defeat the nature, you are setting yourself up for complete failure (setting unrealistic expectations).

Hope you understand.

I think you did a smart thing by removing yourself from Facebook. Good for you (that crap is unhealthy). Same for dating sites etc.......do it old school way man!

 

It also seems like you still have a lot of work to figure yourself out! It's not easy!!!

 

But for you to say "I want to get to a point where I just don't care about relationships/sex" is quite opposite of "finding yourself".You are simply FIGHTING Yourself by doing that.

 

Look, it's completely normal for you to crave/want companionship and intimacy. I think you might be getting 2 confused, especially with actions you took after your last relationship.

 

The reason you don't want sex, is because you found out how worthless/irrelevant sex is WITHOUT FEELINGS.

 

And the reason you don't want relationships is because you are just fed up and disappointed with your current progress. And IMO you shouldn't be. I also think you are trying WAY too hard. Back off, relax and be cool man.

 

BE OPTIMISTIC and POSITIVE about your future. Your thread does NOT sound like ANY of that.

 

And no, you cannot defeat NATURE. And it's human nature for you to crave/want companionship and intimacy. By assuming you CAN defeat the nature, you are setting yourself up for complete failure (setting unrealistic expectations).

 

Hope you understand.

Thanks for your reply. I do understand and you have valid points.

Are you saying I am trying way too hard to date or to not care? If you're saying I am trying to hard to date, you might be right and I have take short breaks from it. I am at a point where it's too frustrating to try at the moment. I'd rather not have to deal with that frustration and disappointment. I just kept on meeting women from the dating sites that were not women who were compatible with my dating style or with what I look for.

I tend to be negative and I am working on that. I didn't realize how negative my post sounded. A lot of times, I come here from frustration or negative things happening in my life. I guess trying to be positive and optimistic may help with what I am trying to do.

I have met many people in my life who were single for a long time and they seemed really happy and AFAIK, they weren't having sex either. I'd like to be like them. I'm not sure if you have met similar people or know what I am talking about. For them, it seems like they are so content with their lives. If sex and companionship is human nature, which I believe what you said is true, then how do they go though their lives like that?

Edit: Recently this woman I was in a casual relationship ended things with me and I wasn't hurt, instead I was/am more concerned about the next time I'll have sex. When I was seeing her, my craving for sex never seemed to be satisfied. So, now, I am in a place where I don't want to be.

Are you saying I am trying way too hard to date or to not care?

Both

If you're saying I am trying to hard to date, you might be right and I have take short breaks from it. I am at a point where it's too frustrating to try at the moment. I'd rather not have to deal with that frustration and disappointment. I just kept on meeting women from the dating sites that were not women who were compatible with my dating style or with what I look for.

Look, I have NO EXPERIENCE when it comes to online dating, but I've seen plenty go thru it. From what I understand it's similar to applying./looking for a job. It's a #s game. Out of 100s applications you fill out you MIGHT get a 1 call back. Same for online dating. It's how things seem to be. So basically this means a WHOLE lot of BS and work on YOUR end. Sure, it's frustrating....personally I wouldn't do it unless it was last resort!

I tend to be negative and I am working on that. I didn't realize how negative my post sounded. A lot of times, I come here from frustration or negative things happening in my life. I guess trying to be positive and optimistic may help with what I am trying to do.

It's not easy, trust me....I do this all the time too! Most people do at times.

But being optimistic and positive is a resolution to just about ANYTHING in life. Always try to be this way, no matter what.

I have met many people in my life who were single for a long time and they seemed really happy and AFAIK, they weren't having sex either. I'd like to be like them.

I think you are assuming people are honest and REAL. Most are not and are actors and fake (sadly).

There people are either lying or simply like to play around vs LTR. MOST people are not like this (and there is nothing wrong with people like that). But it's something you ARE, not something you FORCE YOURSELF INTO or BECOME. BIG difference.

I've met # of these people in my life...and in the end they all ended up in a relationship....

I'm not sure if you have met similar people or know what I am talking about. For them, it seems like they are so content with their lives. If sex and companionship is human nature, which I believe what you said is true, then how do they go though their lives like that?

Play pretend to others.

Edit: Recently this woman I was in a casual relationship ended things with me and I wasn't hurt, instead I was/am more concerned about the next time I'll have sex. When I was seeing her, my craving for sex never seemed to be satisfied. So, now, I am in a place where I don't want to be.

I would strongly recommend you stay away from intimacy early on in relationships. Get to know the person WELL and give it TIME. Early intimacy has TONS of cons over pros. It will cloud both minds, make you blind to reality/red flags, force relationship into over drive and make you skip important building blocks......100 of other things.

I'm not saying intimacy is not important, it is, I'm just saying hold off on it (you can talk about what frequency you desire/for matching purposes......but few months in........and heck, for women, even size/its a deal breaker for most women).

Regardless, you have a right hand....use it......

And remember, to MOST, intimacy with NO feelings = bleh (most people don't realize this IMO). Quite unappealing to me actually.

What you focus on and put energy into is the part of your life that will grow. You have been putting a lot of energy and focus on getting your sexual needs met, which actually is at odds with the two conflicting things you really want (either LTR or being happy as a single man). As you put time and energy into other aspects of your life, those parts will grow and the other desires will wane. Those people you met who were single and happy with it, what were they doing with their lives? If they were not actors, I bet it was a bit more than just hanging out with friends and going to the gym. My hobby is game development. At any given time in my life I have a game or other creative project that I am working on. It is a big enough task that it can easily take up all of my free time, but it also has a goal that I am working towards at any moment. Just like a relationship, when I am really making an effort there, my passion grows, and I really don't need much else in my life to be satisfied. There are times when I really enjoy being single and not having too many attachments weighing me down, allowing me to use my free time however I wish.

It may be worth taking your focus off of dating and sex like you say you are wanting. Not forever, but so that you can find other activities that can renew you and give you the energy to carry on. Having some other passions beyond women will give you something more to offer in a relationship as well. Take up an instrument or start crossfit. You are right that just picking up a hobby probably isn't good enough - it has to be something that takes up enough time and has a distant goal to give you that focus.

Start cultivating passions in other areas of your life. And I've found that I kind of have to dive in for a bit without judging whether something is making me happy or not so soon. You often have to get to the point where you are "baptized" before something can have real meaning. For instance I was in a musical and I kind of didn't want to do it or think that I was going to learn my lines and everything, by about the 6th week of rehearsals it was basically my life. Of course then when it was over I kind of didn't know what to do anymore.

Mating is a huge driver but it can be problematic if it is the only driver, or even the highest one. Look at all of human culture and how rich and complex it is. Sure, a lot of it is layers on top of making whoopie, but there is more there too, and some of those layers are pretty dang nuanced.

You don't need any drastic changes. Just enhance the parts of your life that needs enhancing. Find sources of enrichment for you, whatever those are. Make dating one of the things you do rather than the main or only thing you do.

Getting to the point where you don't care is not a good idea. Becoming indifferent is not the answer. Putting things into perspective is.

From what I know and what you have written you have put to much emphasis on certain things in your life, many of these things were there to prop up your life as it is. If you need sex and a relationship to feel good about yourself and then the sex and or relationship crumbles so do you. Let me put it this way; If you are leaning all your weight on a broom handle and someone kicks it out you will fall right? But if you stand on your own two feet and just put a little weight onto the broom handle and someone kicks it out you will quickly catch your balance and stand tall once again.

You are not alone as I have seen far to many people NEED someone in their life instead of simply wanting someone in their lives.

It looks like you thought you needed sex and a relationship to survive emotionally. The good news is that you can be just fine by yourself and that is actually very attractive. Neediness is not...

Do you desire sex? Of course but will you die if you don't get any? No of course not. Would you like someone to share your life with and have a close emotional/intimate bond with? Yes like a great many of us but if you do not have that it doesn't make you less of a person.

There is nothing wrong with wanting romantic love and physical intimacy but when you need it like you mentioned it is a huge problem.

Get your life straight, fix the issues you have been putting off because they seem to hard, read some books on positive outlooks on life and start each day happy with what you have not with what you don't have.

You are reflective and want to be better but that takes time and commitment. Are you willing to put in the time and effort? There is no quick fix, you have to be patient and work hard.

You have had relationships in the past, now it is time to learn how to have a healthy one so when you do meet the right person there will be a great chance of success.

Lost

I tend to be negative and I am working on that. [...] I guess trying to be positive and optimistic may help with what I am trying to do.

Yes. It's foundational to what you're trying to do.

Curiosity, humor and optimism can carry you through any social state you choose at any given time. That's why you've been able to meet people who are content despite being solo. It's not about the solo, it's about the contentment.

So start there.

A coach on my job said that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. That's how long the brain takes to form new synapses. He said that changing a habit means replacing it with something else, and to write a list of all the habits we want to change so we can address them one at a time instead of trying to glom several things into a giant abstraction.

I targeted my critical voice. It was the negative, judgemental knee jerk reaction I ran in my head as my default response to everything--and it was a bummer. It drilled me into holes that I later needed to dig myself out of with positive thinking and efforts to fight off discouragement. It occurred to me that life would be so much easier if I could just skip the spin in the first place and move straight into the good stuff.

It turned out to be the right place to aim, because it changed everything else for me. I might have a bad day here and there, but those don't stick. Our perceptions are everything. The rest can come and go, but viewing it all through the lens of opportunity and challenge erases neediness and angst before it can settle in.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Sorry for the late response.

I really appreciate your responses. I feel like I have started similar threads as this one in the past. I often forget where I was heading because I get so wrapped up and overwhelmed (at times) with my life and everything that pertains to what I have posted here.

Lostandhurt - i always appreciate your advice and thanks for remembering me from the past couple of years.