Emotionally abused, feel like giving up on life

I have attempted, many times, to write this post but each time I get too annoyed and also I have a good idea of what the responses will be – I too would gave the same response to others, although for me, the reality hurts. Why do I post it then? I don’t know, maybe hoping for someone to help me out of this hole and help me see that there will be light at the end of the tunnel

To be honest, my head is all over the place at the minute due the constant hurt, stress and frustration at the state of my current so called relationship. I could write pages and pages of everything that has happened, so I will try my best to keep this as brief as possible.

My fiancé has 8 kids, none of which are mine, and lives in quite a small house. She doesn’t work and lives of benefits. In the beginning, I did see some red flags but I ignored them. These will small in comparison to what has been happening this past 6 months, although big red flags in their own right if that makes sense. She can be very lazy, although her intake of marijuana doesn’t help and I suppose raising 8 kids takes its toll too – not that she done it with no help. Anyway, this past 6 months I have been subject to serious emotional abuse that has left me in a terrible, extremely unhappy state. To summarise the treatment I receive on a DAILY basis

- The morning starts of with my fiancé being extremely angry. She will shout abuse at me and her kids for no reason what so ever. Abuse such as “useless b**tard”, “Lazy c**t”, “tramp”, “Sleeze”, “f**kin liar”. Every morning is the same. When I got to bed at night, I’m always dreading the morning time.

- She continually belittles me in front of everyone and talks bad about me behind my back. No matter what I do, its never good enough and she always knows better. And anything she says is a complete exaggeration in an attempt to hurt me.

- Any opinions, suggestions or thoughts that I have, she demeans them and will often call me stupid.

- She talks to me like I am a child and treats me like one too. Even when she is wrong, she will laugh at me to make me feel stupid – its totally degrading.

- No matter what good I do, Im shown my flaws or makes up flaws that don’t exist. I’m always told and laughed at telling me that’s the wrong way to do this or that. I’ve never heard “Thank you” or any sign of appreciation.

- I regularly get accused of the most bizarre things that are NOT true. Examples: I go to the shop and get milk, when I come back I get accused of phoning/texting another woman! I have to keep my head down in the car now as she will accuse me of looking at other women.

- I cannot use my phone or computer anymore as she will insinuate that I am up to badness – I assume that means contacting other women or something. I have never ever gave her any reason to doubt me or even think this way. I have never cheated in my life and lucky to have been brought up with good morals and respect.

- There is zero respect for me, it just doesn’t exist. Continually putting me down and making me feel worthless and not welcome.

- When I question why is she doing this to me, she will start screaming that I am torturing her and will tell this to others as if I’m such a really bad person and that she is some sort of victim.

- She is always playing the victim. She tells everyone her children bully her, but this is not true. She always complains about other people and how bad a life she has had. I know her whole life and she is certainly no victim.

- She orders me about but when I ask her for something it’s a major drama. For example, I spent 3 hours cleaning the house from top to bottom and she was making a cup of tea. I asked could she put one on for me and she went mad. I have to do everything but then I’m always told I do nothing and that im a lazy so and so.

- She blames me or her kids for everything, she is never at fault. She never accepts responsibility and has never once apologised.

- Her older kids have told her many times to stop treating me so badly and they have told me shes been like this with previous partners and has been a nightmare for them growing up.

- She always phones her mum, sister and friend whenever she is at fault for something so she can tell lies to them and make it look like I or her kids are bullying her. Its ridiculous. She often says “Im ringing and telling my mum what I have to listen to” – Its something you’d expect to hear at a kids playground!

- 90% of the time I do all the cleaning, she is very very lazy but will always call me lazy. I always look after the kids and treat them all equally and always with respect. Example: She brings the young kids to the playground, I look after them and play with them while she sits in the car smoking dope. An absolute disgrace!

- The people who she associates with are the lowest of the low e.g. drug dealers, cheaters, and basically anyone who is very negative that puts people down and judges people. Example: A friend of mine posted on her facebook mourning the death of her baby. My fiancé went mad saying look at her looking sympathy she doesn’t know what a hard life is.

- When im visibly hurt, through tears, she will go in for the kill and hurt me more. I have never seen any glimpse of empathy from her. Sometimes I think if she is out just to destroy me.

- Outside the house she puts on an act to everyone. She has multiple personalities depending on the person she is talking to. She will always tell them about what a bad past she has had and how she is the victim. People feel sorry for her but little do they realise.

- She back stabs everyone but is so nice to their face. As soon as they leave the house, she is slagging them with the the most vulgar of talk. This goes on daily.

- Im the only one to show affection and love. She doesn’t do affection. Our sex life isn’t great either as the next day she will call me dirty and disgusting. Even in bed, she does nothing for me, its like me just making love to her. It really does hurt me that she turns my genuine making love to her as me being dirty and disgusting.

- This is without doubt the most disgusting and vile thing she has said, as well as dangerous. On a few occasions I have walked into the room and she had been changing her child’s nappy. She yelled at me insinuating that I was looking at her child in an inappropriate manner. I couldn’t believe it, how could she think that of me. Later she said she didn’t mean it and it was based on insecurities from the past. I tried explaining to her that that’s a very damaging thing to say in the first place and could ruin a persons life. A few weeks later, same thing again.

I could go on and on but I’m tripping with tears as I write this, it just makes me so sad. To summarise how this has left me

- My appetite is almost gone. I have lost just over 2 stone and friends and family have expressed their concern that I look like “skin and bones” and am I alright. I have kept quiet about everything and kept everything bottled in my own head.

- I continually walk on eggshells watching everything I say and do in case it sets her off in one of her rages. I never ever know whats coming next.

- I visited the doctor a few weeks back as I was worried about not getting much sleep and feeling really down and depressed. The doctor put me on antidepressants – my fiancé knows about this and the reasons why but she doesn’t care.

- I have lost all confidence, extremely low self esteem, zero motivation and feel like theres no escape from this pain.

- I don’t visit friends anymore as she will accuse me of being with another woman. I have never ever gave her another reason to think this way – its all plucked out of thin air.

- She will regularly say shes had enough and that she never wanted any man in her life but then later sometimes she says she doesn’t mean it.

What I have tried to do:

- Communicate but I found that speaking rationally is something she does not comprehend. There is no middle ground. I am just to blame for everything.

- Speak with her family to find out what is going on and why she is like this. They too don’t understand it. Her children regularly tell me I don’t deserve this crap.

- I did try and tell her that perhaps she needed to speak to a professional to deal with the past and anger issues. That was a massive mistake! She went mad twisting it saying I called her a psychopath.

- I do nice things for her, always aiming to please her (Yes I know this is what I shouldn’t do as its just enabling the abuse). I do it for peace but rarely do I get it.

So what am I to blame for in this relationship? I am by no means perfect but when I say I have done absolutely nothing wrong, I mean it, because I haven’t. She will accuse me of torturing her and by that she means I question her whenever she verbally abuses me as to why she is treating me so badly. She will never tell me, just let it stay in my head and will always throw in some things to mess with my head.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just walk out and leave? I don’t understand how I am drawn to staying here – I think it’s a mixture of co-dependency resulting from the emotional abuse, fear of being alone, fear of never being in love again, fear of seeing her with someone else – I really don’t know, my head is just so messed up right now. Even the thought of speaking with friends and family makes me sick, as I know theres no escape from the hurt – that may not seem true to you reading this, but for me it’s a reality. I am genuinely good person, good morals, always treat others how they like to be treated even when they treat me bad I still hold on to respect. I will never understand how someone wants to deliberately hurt someone for no reason, it kills me that this person is my fiancé.

If this were my friend that was going through this, I know the advice I would be giving them but I can’t practice what I preach as I am just so lost, empty, depressed and ready to give up on life.

Thank you for reading my post, I really don’t know if it will help me or not, but I appreciate the time you have taken to read it.

I am so sorry friend. It sounds like a relationship that you need to leave ASAP which is what you were probably expecting to hear. It's so harmful. So harmful. Emotional pain is so much worse than physical pain. You have tolerated far too much abuse.

Point one, if you're in a relationship/engagement with this woman and she lives off benefits, you're possibly breaking the law as you should actually be supporting her. This sounds like benefit fraud and something she may use against you if she's as awful as you say she is. The relationship is absolutely toxic, has no redeeming features, and anyone that leads you to taking anti-depressants through their behaviour is not someone to spend the rest of your life with. Get out of it.

My fiancé has 8 kids, none of which are mine, and lives in quite a small house. She doesn’t work and lives of benefits

Why would this woman qualify to become anyones fiancé?

Op: You have serious self-esteem issues and you are wrought with codependency while you lack personal boundaries to the point that you have lost your identity to this abusive "little-old-lady-who-lives-in-a-shoe."

We all know what she is as you've painted a good clear picture of her. What you haven't done is explained to us why you stay there with her brood and take what she dishes out to you.

You need professional help with what ails you or at the very least, you need to get yourself to a Codependents Anonymous Meeting (online or in person) and learn how to live with personal boundaries in place and with the strength not to let her cross them like she currently does.

This is about you. Not her. So: What do you plan on doing about your state of mind? I'd start by going to the internet and googling "codependency" "the importance of personal boundaries" "how to nurture your inner child" (if your parents were addicted to something and mistreated you growing up) and calling an abused men's hotline which you can also google and find. Then you'd do well to go to your family doctor and asking for a referral to a psychologist that can help you to hone everything you've learned in your google education.

So: What actually keeps you there. Please don't say "love" because love looks like nothing you're described in your opening post.

I'd link you up to some reading material but I think just searching on your own will be somewhat cathartic to you.