....Still waiting for marriage

Boyfriend doesn't want to get married.?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a two year old together and currently live together. He seems confused about the whole marriage thing. He'll tell me that he plans to marry me but he doesn't have money for a ring and he's not "stable" enough yet. Then he'll say things like he doesn't want to make a mistake, and he doesn't know etc. He'll go on Facebook and post status's about how Jay Z didn't get married until he was 39 and a man knows when he's "ready" and shouldn't be pressured. I haven't been "pressuring" him until more recently because we've been together for so long and it confuses me that you STILL don't know if I'm the "one". That makes me feel like I'm not. It's really been bothering me a lot lately and I've actually been thinking about breaking up or at least just not living together until there is some solidity to our relationship. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I try to be more understanding or have more patience?

you're not wrong for feeling the way that you do. It's YOUR feelings, you can feel however you want to. It doesn't mean it'll sway his feelings either. How old are you both?

I'm 23 and he's 29

It may not be you he's feeling this pressure from. It could be family, friends, society, himself....all of the above. If he knows how you feel then all you can do is let him deal with it.

Unless there's a way that you talk to him about it and see if there's something you can both do to change the financial roadblocks into less of a problem (some guys aren't very open to that so that's only if you know he'd be open to it) then really all you can do is wait

No, you're not wrong for feeling this way. To each their own, but this is one of the reasons many people recommend waiting until you're engaged before taking the plunge into living together. At this time it sounds as if he feels too comfortable, and has no incentive to change his living arrangements, simply because he hasn't had to face the music.

In any event, how did he feel ready and stable enough to produce a child, yet he doesn't have the money for a ring?

He'll go on Facebook and post status's about how Jay Z didn't get married until he was 39 and a man knows when he's "ready" and shouldn't be pressured.

This is kind of lame and slightly disrespectful, in my opinion.

Does he say why he's not sure about whether you're the one? What are the things that bother him about the relationship? I think he at least owes you that explanation, because right now he's just being vague.

To be honest, it sounds like he is just immature. At 29, comparing lives with Jay Z seems childish. I'm sure Jay Z just happened to be 39 when he married, not Planned to be! But if it were me I think living separately would be a good idea. It would allow you both to think things through without the 'already living together' being a factor

I don't think he is confused. I think he knows he doesn't want to marry you. And he didn't walk into having a child together, being together x amount of time, living together, with the same expectation that you did - that it would lead to marriage.

You expect it and are waiting.

He is 'planning' and plans can change. They aren't a commitment, and he didn't make that commitment to you either.

His FB status posts... He threw you under the bus there. Anytime a man says he feels pressured into marriage, people are going to first think that it's coming from you. Totally disrespectful on his part. I would be pissed off if I saw a message and have a serious talk with him.

This is a common tragedy.

He has no incentive to get married other than to please people. He has ZERO fear of losing you, and he sees ZERO benefit in getting married, compared to what he has now.

You are a little bit stuck since you live together and have a child. I think you might benefit from reading the book "The Reverse Ultimatum." It's written for women in your situation.

Good luck.

Even if you did put pressure on him, if he wanted to marry you, he would. I do not mean to be harsh. The right man can withstand pressure you put on him, and love you more for it, and will always defend you and would never throw you under a bus like he did. You deserve someone who wants the same life goals as you, and wants to publicly declare his love and commitment for you.

This guy, even if you love him, is a dime a dozen. It's hard to want to move on, because you have been with him for 4 years, but if he hasn't figured it out now, it usually means he has no plans to marry you. If I told you that even after waiting it out for another 3 years, and he still won't marry you, would you stay.

Don't waste your youth, time, or beauty on a man who makes you feel bad for wanting to progress your relationship. It's not like you've only been dating for a few months!

I can only tell you what I would do if I were you. I would enlist the services of an attorney to assist you in obtaining child support. I would leave this guy. chi

It sounds like any more pushing from you to get married will ultimately lead to separating down the line if he is not 100% on board with this. Do you really want to make this big of a bet on a guy you met when you were 19? Over the last 4 years, most people were dating and seeing what was out there.

You are locked onto a guy who doesn't share the same values as you. Maybe you need to realize that you have outgrown him.

At this time it sounds as if he feels too comfortable, and has no incentive to change his living arrangements, simply because he hasn't had to face the music.

HeartGoesOn makes a good point, I think. I'd back off and possibly even do what you mentioned which is moving out until he shows you he wants more of a commitment in the relationship. For crying out loud, the two of you have a child together! He's a father who doesn't feel the need to marry the mother of his child after 4 years of being together because he has gotten too comfortable with you. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.