Discovered that my husband goes to erotic massage parlors every time he travels

I recently discovered that my husband has been searching for the best erotic massage parlors in every town that he travels to. I have been suspicious for years and there have been many "Red Flags". He came to me a few weeks ago and said "I need my own space for work and no interuptions". This made no sense to me because he has an office and chooses to work from home. So, that reasoning made no sense. Also, lately, he has chosen to lease a car to drive for hours to different states (where he has a business trip), instead flying. More Red Flags. The list goes on . I discovered the whole massage parlor thing by seeing his search history. It was in a word " Devastating. I saw tons of porn and hardcore and what really was disturbing is that he continuously searched for Erotic massage parlors . The locations matched with the state and towns that he was traveling to. So, obviously his intention was to go each time he traveled. I'm broken over this. My heart is in pieces. The deceit and lies just keep coming. I confronted him and Wowwww, he just double talked and came up with every excuse but would not admit anything other than looking at porn. I am hoping that you can share your thoughts and/or your insight on this as I'm heartbroken and now the anger from being so deceived is setting in. The pieces are all coming together and now things are starting to make sense. For example: a rental car can't be tracked nearly as well as a flight. He actually typed in on one search how to get to another state from the state he was working in because there is an erotic massage parlor there. Who would be the wiser?.. The late flights, the "Oh, I have to run out and go here". It all is blinding me with reality. Thanks for your thoughts.

How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?

Hello 1 anony,

I am so sorry to hear you're having to go through this.

Without knowing you both or his side of the story, it doesn't look good at all. It seems obvious that he's been getting sexual fulfilment from these parlours.

What is obvious is the complete break down of communication between yourself and your husband. You mention in the post that you have been suspicious for awhile and had lots of 'red flags' - in a healthy marriage or a good relationship this would be the time to bring something up. On the other hand, your husband has been completely deceitful.

You both need to discuss everything, and I mean everything so that in your mind you feel he isn't hiding anything. I don't want to think the worst, all situations, cheating and lying within marriage, I do believe can be resolved and healed, but don't presume you have found everything out yourself. He needs to now come clean and be 100% truthful with you. What else has he been doing behind your back?

I would suggest a complete heart to heart in order to save your relationship.

When people cheat, it isn't often because they don't love or care for their other half, it's because there's been a break down in communication from both ends. The other person will often say they felt 'driven' or like they couldn't 'get' a certain thing from the other partner. I'm sure if you were to make a list, there are many things you feel your husband has neglected in your relationship and things that need to be resolved and worked on. I am not saying you have driven him to do this at all, please do not misunderstand what I am trying to say - but when someone cheats in a relationship it is normally due to a break down of some sort within the relationship. Common problems are: lack of sex, lack of communication, lack of understanding, distance between partners, feelings of resentment, arguments, a clash of wants needs or priorities, etc. You both need to discuss whats been going wrong in your relationship for both of you. Only then can you resolve the problems that may have caused this break down.

On the flip side, sometimes men and women just cheat for no reason at all and frankly they're worse than dirt. You both need to talk this over and decide what went wrong and how it can be fixed (if you want to try and repair your relationship).

Marriage counselling is a good place to start as this puts you both in a neutral, controlled environment.

If your husband is not willing to change, refuses to tell the truth or pretends everything is fine, then it seems he is not willing to salvage the relationship. If you both conclude you still love each other and want this to work, first you will need to rebuild trust over a long period of time, and constantly work out issues to avoid building resentment and blame. A counsellor can help you do this, and sometimes in the initial throws of a marriage break down, it can help if there is a third person who is non-biased to mediate the situation.

All I can say is I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you.

Hopefully your husband is sensible and respects you enough to realise what he has done and can come clean with a hope to rebuild your trust.

Best of luck,

x.

I won't tell you what to do but this is my opinion:

1. Many people, mostly blokes look at p0rn. Some couples look at it together. It might upset you but, on its own, it does not suggest physical cheating. I would not regard it in itself as a red flag but I feel he could have been more open about it

2. Although there's no 100% proof, it is highly probable that he's been with ladies of the night. You may find this less threatening than if it had been your neighbour or (worse) one of your relatives but it is cheating. Some people can forgive and forget but (just as an example) my wife and I are zero-tolerant on this issue

3. He may have felt that he did what I did because you didn't communicate with him or satisfy him sexually BUT nobody deserves to be cheated on for that. Even if there are mitigating circumstances, cheating is a SELFISH act

What you do now is up to you. I can feel your pain and I know what I would do but it is not for me to say but, whether you forgive him or boot him out, I wish you luck and courage in whatever decision you make.

My thoughts are when someone is deceitful like that in a relationship, the person you end up loving is just a character they invented. Essentially, you love a made-up person. The real guy is someone you don't know and doesn't sound like someone you want to know. You should leave and never look back.

Agree with sleepingdonut. Porn is nothing (harder to say so about hard-core porn, though) but erotic massages is like paying a naked woman to give you a hand-job after she smears some oil on you and touches your private area.

Your husband doesn't seem like some one who would want a heart to heart conversation with you, he will simply invent more lies to cover his as*.

Especially if you don't have kids with him yet - you should leave. Even IF the reason for his cheating was somewhere deep in you (which I don't agree with) instead of committing and fixing it, he committed to a lot of lies and changes in his life, so he would be able to cheat and take you for a fool. This is LOW.

First thing, guard your health. Do not let him near you without condoms.

Next, unfortunately some men obsessed with porn also get a taste for the seedy side of sex with hookers working massage parlors. Which apparently he does.

Do you want to try to rebuild this marriage, or is your trust level so low and disgust level so high you don't want to try to save it? If you want to save it, then marriage counseling is the only answer here. He needs to be honest, and you need to investigate whether this is an addiction he can break or not. If you are too disgusted to stay, then I suggest hiring a private detective and investigating the depth of his problem for use in the divorce (if you have children and want to fight for full custody of the children). If you don't care about getting full custody, then just visit a lawyer and get a no fault divorce going. But don't let him know what you're up to until you talk to a lawyer, and be careful that he is not hiding assets or moving money in preparation for himself filing for divorce first.

play hardball.

Kick him out until he is ready to tell the truth.

Oh, this is a very sad story. Once read, immediately I remembered my own. Until now it hurts.I think that your relationship is over. I myself got into this situation. My husband often went on business trips in Russia, Scandinavia, the Baltic states. I was waiting for him and proud of him. I was worried, I thought that he's very tired and doesn't have time to relax. Yeah... It turns out that he and his colleague made the whole map of their favorite strip clubs and erotic massage, where they "rest after the hard work." I once found this map in his suitcase, after another trip to St. Petersburg. I naively thought it was the sights, and then carefully read the title ... Golden Dolls, Zavistbar, LUX For, Lomonosov bar, Rhino Bar ... I was terrified. Besides he is looking at naked girls and allow them to touch himself, he is also deceiving me! For me, it was almost a betrayal. So we divorced. Men in different ways hide their data, it can be maps, internet bookmarks, files, client cards ... But they can't keep this information in mind. So if your husband has got on this, it is unfortunately true.

I don't mean to strictly stand up for your spouse but I think both of you share the blame for the situation you have. You might even subconsciously keeping back something from us and you are not to blamed for that. This is naturally the way any person's brain works. But I know one thing for sure in any quarrel in a relationship all parties are quilty. It's hard to advice distantly any right moves for you to take BUT one - address to marriage counseller.

Well I'm a man too and I've been to erotic bars and massage parlours being in a relationship and I even know exactly the places mentioned here in St. Petersburg as I often take business flights there. You could say something is wrong with me or my partner but I don't see anything wrong visiting most of them. Such venues as Golden girls and Zavist are quite popular and spread all over in the heart of the city. But don't get me wrong I go there just to enjoy the beauty of woman's body I don't mean to have sex or pay for that which is disgusting. I never cheat physically on my beloved. As for gazing at a fair lady, so what? Remember great painters for centures have been glorifying beautiful women. It's just like works of art, my point.

What is this Zavist place in St.Petersburg? Do you mean a strip bar?