Alcoholism in my life

I'm a member of Alanon; there was a time when I really, seriously don't know what I'd have done without it. It's been more helpful in defining a whole load of issues than therapy ever could - though all the experience in therapy made it easier to make sense of them I guess - and, well, magic happens in those meetings. What a meeting doesn't keep, though, is a record of what was said.

I'd like to put my impressions and feelings out there, not just for the here and now, but so that I can look back and see where I was at, at some point in the future.

One of my brothers is the only active alcoholic in my life right now; he also has convictions for manslaughter and armed robbery, and I know has committed many other serious crimes for which he hasn't been convicted. As is common with alcoholics, he drinks and gets obnoxious. Sometimes I've been sitting there with him and my mother, doing something innocuous like watching the television, and he'll come out with something absolutely vile seemingly out of the blue... then I get the whiff of whiskey, and all is explained. I can let this go; it's an aspect of the disease. I used to work in mental health, and had lots of practice there at letting verbal abuse waft straight past on the breeze. Problem is, the over-tolerance means that I don't always get out of damaging situations quickly enough.

Normally, he's quite pleasant when he's sober. However, I had to do a photoshoot on Friday (elsewhere on the forum I've mentioned that I'm with a modelling agency) - and had to sign an agreement with the client that nothing, but nothing, would be disclosed to a third party. The following day he asked me how it went. I told him it was fun, but I wasn't allowed to disclose any details. At that point he got very verbally abusive; I just told him "Either it's confidential, or it isn't" and left it at that.

What I didn't say was that a bombastic, garrulous alcoholic is just about the last person on earth I'd be disclosing anything important to!

However, I got to thinking about how boundaries were enforced - or not - when we were children. My brother was sober at the time he got angry when I refused to reveal confidential information to him; this is typical of people with unhealthy boundaries when they actually run up against someone else's boundary. It goes along with a sense of entitlement to take whatever he wants from the world, regardless of the trauma it may cause others etc etc, which has meant that he's spent huge chunks of his adult life in prison.

But we weren't given consistent boundaries as young kids; I remember being permanently perplexed as to how to please my mother, because the rules were always changing. My father wasn't around that much (he was the first alcoholic in my life) and although my mother didn't drink, her wild mood swings and violent, abusive behaviour was so extreme that she might as well have done. You don't have to look far to see where he learned his behaviour.

So... I can forgive in the sense of not bearing him any grudges, letting it go and all that. However, one of my long term character defects is staying in harmful situations, making excuses for bad behaviour, seeing the vulnerable child behind abusive behaviour - and ignoring the damage it's doing me.

So, I can look at him as an alcoholic. But he's also an a***. Quite apart from the alcoholism.

Great - I've said it!

I have also been in Alanon NBH. it's helped me a lot although I haven't gone for quite some time. My father was also an alcoholic, and I have had several alcoholics in my life. As far as I know, I don't have any alcoholics in my life at the present time, but I do get all of what you have written.

I like this thread.

So, I can look at him as an alcoholic. But he's also an a***. Quite apart from the alcoholism.

 

Great - I've said it!

For sure. People can be alcoholics, AND a holes too!!

I think it's healing to be able to say that, and have someone listen. It was for me. So often (and I too come from a family with a lot of alcoholics), when I've said something like that, people have said "Ohhh but it's the alcoholism". Then at the same time, they can't totally swallow all of what they are being told of what has actually happened with my experiences with these alcoholics. An uncle/godfather who fights all the kids when they are little? Well, yeah, he did. Does. Physically confronts and forces kids into fights with him. The day one of the kids knocked him down? Yeah, that happened too.

It's not only the booze that makes that an a hole move.

So anyways, thanks for posting.

Indeed, itsallgrand. I have a great friend who's a sober alcoholic, and has been in AA for 20 years. I'm pretty sure he's never assaulted anyone. (He used to be a giggly, sociable, cheating drunk).

Not all alcoholics have convictions for manslaughter and armed robbery, either. That's a separate issue - though both stem from a profound spiritual malaise.

I think reminding ourselves that it's the alcoholism is for us. It's much easier to let something go, in the knowledge that it's part of the disease and ultimately nothing personal - than if it were a considered, targeted personal vendetta. It was like that when working in mental health; staff (and sometimes visitors) were subjected to appalling verbal abuse on a daily basis, usually from people who would never have dreamed of behaving like that when they were well. It was very clearly nothing personal, and a manifestation of their disease - as it is with alcoholism.

However, that didn't mean that a small minority weren't quite unpleasant characters in their own right. Similarly, it was nothing personal - as I've put elsewhere on this forum, the way people behave is a reflection of who they are, not who I am - but the only thing to do is just stay out of their way.

My brother lives with my mother - who is in her twilight days and I want to see as much of her as possible before she passes. If it weren't for that I'd be happy to cut all ties and have nothing to do with him.

This evening I missed my meeting. I missed my meeting because a friend and I were preparing materials for a festival this weekend. The friend I was with was just helping out, but the one who should have been there to help with the preparation arrived 1.5 hours late; we'd pretty well finished by the time she came and I wasn't going to get to my meeting on time.

This got me on to the subject of expectations; a while back I attended a meeting which was not my usual one, so I had no idea what the topic under discussion was going to be (if any). It was 'expectations', and I reflected on the saying that 'expectations are premeditated resentments' - of course, that's only true if the expectations are unrealistic. I observed that the only thing you can reasonably expect of anyone else is that they will be themselves; in the case of a drinking alcoholic, of course, you can be fairly certain that they will drink. For me, keeping my expectations realistic means that I'm not disappointed in people and can pretty well predict likely outcomes given what I know of the person.

When I realised that this particular woman would be working on this project, my heart sank. My antennae told me that this was someone who was pretty ineffectual who would be leaving most of the work to other people, and that's what she did. Did I feel angry? Nope. She will be pushing the work at the festival on to others, but in this case the others will be her sons - so I will make sure I don't end up doing more than my fair share.

I had thought of pulling out when I realised it was going to be her I was working with, but I need the money. I also like being involved in community projects. It's all fun and sociable; so I'm making a positive choice to stay in this situation, and holding on to this means that I can engage cheerfully with someone generally regarded as a pain in the you-know-what. When she arrived this evening, the woman I'd been working with was irritated, though polite - you could hear it in her tone of voice, and I didn't blame her. However, I would be causing myself a lot more grief if I had given in to exasperation, grief that would be carried over tomorrow and the following day - and that wasn't going to happen.

I reflected on Step Twelve, particularly 'we tried... to practice these principles in all our affairs.' Yes, you don't have to be in a meeting to work the steps!

Wow, I had not realized you had endured so much nutbrownhare . No wonder you are so wise. I will enjoy reading about your life.

Wow, I had not realized you had endured so much nutbrownhare . No wonder you are so wise. I will enjoy reading about your life.

I'm enjoying this space for reflection, Victoria! Sadly, much of the advice I post on here is based on personal experience...

Yesterday I bumped into an acquaintance of mine. I hadn't seen her for ages - but there she was, looking ten years younger than when I last saw her, calm, serene and, well, radiant. She chatted about how she'd gone from binge-drinking every weekend to not having had any alcohol since August last year, had been making an effort to eat healthily and had just changed to a less extravagant lifestyle. She felt better beyond her wildest dreams. It showed.

I like a drink every now and then, but never to get drunk, and I'm always aware that I drink at about half the rate of everyone else. We chatted about how much PRESSURE there is to drink alcohol - all the way up to the top, and all the way down to the bottom. It's an insidious aspect of 'culture' in the UK. There's a saying in AA: "Come to AA and we'll ruin your drinking for you!", and I've found that drinking is something I really can't feel entirely comfortable with. I used to feel the same when I worked on an acute mental health ward, and saw the effects of alcoholism on some of our patients.

I wince when I see FB updates from people who've had a 'really good night out' involving getting plastered, falling over, breaking things and themselves - and bragging about the hangover the following day as if it were something to be celebrated.

I just wince.

I haven't posted in this thread for a while; sometimes it's life events which really throw up issues which have been bubbling under quietly in the background.

One of my brothers worked in international banking for years; he's recently returned to the UK, with no job and nowhere to live, and has stayed with various family members since. It turned out that he is £85K in debt - despite earning the kind of money I will only ever dream about, it had never occurred to him to put any aside - as the result of living the high life.

My brother-in-law, who also works in finance, sent an email round to the rest of the siblings saying how R was in debt, with a breakdown of the sums involved - which also included substantial amounts to other family members. If he was declared bankrupt then the people who had lent him money would obviously lose out... the suggestion was that my mother remortgages her house to raise the money to pay off the debt, and R services the loan. My brother-in-law said that the rest of us would have a slightly reduced inheritance. The rest of us agreed we wanted to help, as long as R took responsibility for the repayments.

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. I thought at one point that she'd cut me out of her will, and I'd certainly never proceeded with my life thinking I'd inherit. So when my brother-in-law came out with these sums, I thought that my view had been too jaded all along, that mum really did value all her children equally... and actually felt touched. It was an unexpected bonus, but the bonus was an emotional one above all.

When my father committed suicide he left nothing but debts. The solicitors sent me a letter regarding the estate of my late father, and it contained £4 worth of premium bonds which were mine to begin with; I'd bought them when I was 11 years old when another relative gave me a £5 gift. I sometimes have a bit of a chuckle about this.

The final message from my father was a massive, unimaginable rejection of all the family; it was a pain which to this day I can't put into words.

So the message that my mother's estate was to be divided equally somehow felt that the wrongs of the past were to be righted, that the final note from my parents would be a healing one.

WRONG!!!

The family members who are also creditors, plus the two executors, had a meeting with my mother. It turns out that she has no intention of dividing her estate equally; once R's debt has been repaid, the rest will go to the brother mentioned in the first post of this thread. Given his track record of alcoholism and cocaine/heroin addiction, I think that having access to all that money will do little more than send him to an early grave.

I'm actively detaching with love...

Oohhh sweetheart. We love you. ❤

Oohhh sweetheart. We love you. ❤

I love you guys on here, too. You're a fantastic community! xxx