Boyfriend lacks ambition, should I stay with him?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and our relationship is pretty great and I love him to death. The problem though is that we are at different stages of our careers and have different levels of motivation and ambition. I just graduated from university and will be starting an internship in the near future. He is 25, with no degree, and is working a minimum wage job with no ambition to find other work. I don’t want to seem shallow and dump him because he’s not making enough money, but its more about the lack of ambition and education which is very important to me. He keeps saying he wants to get into the photography industry (he has a photography diploma) but does NOTHING to make that happen. I’ve always been very motivated in life, always doing my best at everything I do, and it kills me to be with someone who seems to be okay with doing nothing with his life.

I don’t know what to do. Is this a big enough reason to break up with him right now? Or how long do I wait for him to get his life together before I end it?

Lately I’ve been dropping hints that I won’t stay with him much longer if he doesn’t get his act together. I’m not sure how hard I can push him though to do something with his life before it’ll have the opposite effect on him…making him want to do nothing just to spite me because I’m being annoying.

Friends have suggested giving him an ultimatum, if he doesn’t do something towards getting a career by, say Christmas, then dump him? But I don’t know if that would work, or would it just anger him and cause him to leave me?

Any help would be appreciated!!!!!

Hey TreeHugger,

it's definitely a good enough reason if this lack of ambition is really interfering with the idea you have of your "dream life". Is his lack of ambitions holding you back in any way from your dreams?

I am not saying this is the case with you - but sometimes we can become less attracted to someone because of their lack of ambitions when you knew from the very beginning the kind of person they were. You still should leave them, but if this latter mentioned idea is the case, I think it's not fair to place too much blame on their lack of ambition but on your not knowing what you wanted.

Did he deceive you in the beginning and express ambitions, but slowed down once he "had" you? Was he at first amibitious and now going through a "depression"? If it's someone you love and he is depressed, i would try to be LESS subtle and offer to help him get through it.

It is hard to give advise here.

I can only share my personal experience. I was with a guy for 6 years, we lived together, but kept finances separate. He had problems with debt and filed for personal bankruptcy. He just could not control his spending. At one point I decided that I wanted a house, that meant I had to do it on my own he could not contribute to the downpayment and had no credit. I started thinking what if we had kids together, how will he help me support them while i am on maternity leave. I will have to do it on my own. I have an ok job, but not good enough to support a family by myself, and I was not ok with doing that. We had other issues as well. So I left him and 3 months later met my husband.

Your situation may be different. I suggest talking to him first. No ultimatums, just ask where he sees himself in the future in terms of career, family etc. Then make your own decision from there. Don't rush, but don't wait to long either.

I hope that helps.

Just being curious - why would your boyfriend's job and salary matter if you are an independent woman? Are you dependent on your boyfriend for money??? Do you expect him to take care of you??? Do you expect him to pay for the dates??

Gilroy, to answer your question,

A boyfriend is a potential husband and a husband career matters very much to a woman. Even a successful independent woman want a husband who has a career. You can't not support a family making minimum wage and a woman would not want to support a family on her own. Her concerns are very normal and reasonable. She would be a fool not to be concerned.

It sounds like you don't have compatible values and while it's great if you can inspire him by example, pushing him to do more/be more is really unfair in my opinion. If you're not telling him something he doesn't already know (i.e. that he is not as career-minded as you are) or if he's not asking you for specific guidance on how to get his career started, then you need to stay out of that aspect of his life, in my opinion. Do you really want him to change "for you" or based on some threat of losing you? How long do you think that change will last?

I had no problem declining to date men who weren't compatible with me as far as ambition, work ethic, and belief in higher education. I had no problem being friends with them but I was looking for a future spouse/someone to have a family with.

Have you told him specifically your concerns? Does he have goals? Beyond just to make "it big" in the photo industry?

Sometimes, we indirectly "hint" and the other person won't get what exactly we're getting at.

Being that when you met him he was in this situation, you *knew* at that point what type of man he was. You need to tell him explicitly what your concerns are and tell him that his lack of "ambition" and the fact that he hasn't moved forward is a big issue for you.

But I was in your position at one point in time. I had to let the person know directly that I had a BIG issue with it.

I suggest you do the same *if* you want to be with him.

a woman would not want to support a family on her own

Is it ok for a man to feel the same way??

Sorry, but I get very confused about this topic. If I declare that I am an independent successful man I would not in the same breath complain about my girl's lack of education or low income.

Most guys I know would not date a woman who has no education and makes minimum wage. It goes both ways.

Gilroy, to answer your question,

 

A boyfriend is a potential husband and a husband career matters very much to a woman. Even a successful independent woman want a husband who has a career. You can't not support a family making minimum wage and a woman would not want to support a family on her own. Her concerns are very normal and reasonable. She would be a fool not to be concerned.

Agreed.

I've seen too many cases of women marrying and procreating with men who make a minimum wage and it's a lot of struggling and issues with finances.

It's not really his education that I see as big red flag. But it's merely the fact that he has no direction, no goals, and is content making a low wage. That is not a man who is prepared to take care of a family.

I don't think ultimatums should be issued in this situation either. I think she just needs to express how she *really* feels, tell him why she is concerned, and then ask him what his goals are, what is he doing to make his goals occur and how if they were to move forward would he be financially ready for a family, marriage, kids a house?

From what my mom and others have told me, sometimes men need a *little* push in the right direction. Though on the same hand, I wouldn't push too hard, but just enough to let him know that ultimately there is no future in the relationship with his current financial situation.

It is ok for a man not to want to support a family on his own. Most men today don't and most women today work even after they have kids.

I agree with lostnscared. Pushing him is a bad idea. If he has no ambition you need to accept him the way he is or move on. You can't force someone to be ambitious.

Ultimatum, no. It really isn't necessary. He is being himself no matter how much or little you think of that. You are entitled to feel how you feel too, though. You need to be very very blunt about how you feel though. Basically tell him that you can't be with someone for a long time without some ambitions, and get his thoughts on it. Do not just break up with him out of the blue with this as your reason.

Most guys I know would not date a woman who has no education and makes minimum wage. It goes both ways.

I have never seen a thread here in ENA about a guy complaining his girlfriend's lack of ambition or drive or education or salary or whatever.... But I see a LOT of such threads from women.. that are apparently independent and successful

My take on this is whether women like to agree or not they want to be taken care and supported by the man. I do not see any other reason why this whole 'he lacks ambition/drive/education' seems to be such a problem. I am sure it would be ok if a guy lacks ambition, education, drive but has inherited lot of wealth from his rich parents.

I agree with lostnscared. Pushing him is a bad idea. If he has no ambition you need to accept him the way he is or move on. You can't force someone to be ambitious.

On the other hand though, he *could* be ambitious but he could be suffering from depression, stress or something else that is making it difficult for him to move forward. People are driven by different things, and sometimes "little things" and "little pushes" can be enough to rev people up.

Because even some of the most ambitious men need a small push every now and then. So I don't see her pushing him a *little* as a bad thing, but that is of course, if he at one point WAS ambitious and he is simply going through a "downturn". But if he's always been like this-with little drive, direction, etc--then no amount of pushing will work here and it's best that she accept him or leave him alone.

I haven't read the replies above but, just speaking from my personal experience with several versions of the situation you describe (one of which got to the point of engagement) I've got to tell you...

You can't change him. You can't give him drive/verve/ambition that isn't already there. If you try, he'll resent you for it. The repercussions of his resentment can be small or large...or epic, but he will. And you'll resent him for not listening.

My best advice, from years of being in your shoes, is look at where he is today. What ambitions does he have. What's the 5 year plan. And evaluate that, with absolutely no changes...can you hang with it?

Think deeply answer honestly. No matter how much you love him, go with whatever your gut response is to that line of questions.

Seriously, while understanding that every couple/situation is unique, I've been there more times than I can count. Just think about it.

Best of luck to you. I know these are some hard choices.

Gilroy,

May be guys don't complain about it as much but I believe they feel the same way. When I tried to set up friends with guys they always want to know what the woman does for a living and always get impressed by when they find out that a woman has a high paying job or owns a home.

Another issue here is when a woman has a baby and he is really young she can't "go to work as usual" she needs the guy to be there for her physically, emotionally and financially. That is just biology, we can't change it, they have to figured out how to make a man pregnant yet.

I think the bottom line is that the guy does not need to be a millionaire to get a girl. Most girls will go out with guys who have average careers and show some ambition. They just don't want to be with someone who is lazy.

Agreed with Lily.

Women aren't asking for a man to make six figures, or be some flashy CEO. They're just asking that man have a career, make decent money--enough to support a family and have enough drive and determination to stick by a plan of action.

I've known men who didn't go to college, that at least went on to become truck drivers or construction workers and made decent money but that is because they had the drive and ambition to do so and didn't want a minimum job.

Some men have ambition but not much.

Others have very little ambition and are content getting by on the minimum.

Most girls will go out with guys who have average careers and show some ambition

How exactly can you define average career and some ambition???

My understanding about ambition is that women expect their men to keep going up the career ladder year after year and make more and more money. If the guy gets stuck in the same position for a while without getting promoted then that is where this whole "he lacks ambition" comes in. This is my understanding based on my experience and what happened to one of my friends recently. He was dumped simply because he was in the same position for couple of years and did not get promoted.

It is difficult to give an answer that would fit "most women" because different women have different expectations and want different things in life.

On average I think it would be good to be able to afford a small house, a reliable car, to be able to go on vacation at least once a year, to be able to go out to restaurants, movies ect.. on a semi-regular basis. More is better of course.

I mean being able to do these things on a joint income, not just the man's income

I don't think too many women will leave a guy just because he was not promoted in a few years, especially considering the economy last year. My guess is there were other reasons for leaving.

I actually discouraged my husband from taking a more lucrative job because it would mean working longer hours and more stress.

How exactly can you define average career and some ambition???

 

My understanding about ambition is that women expect their men to keep going up the career ladder year after year and make more and more money. If the guy gets stuck in the same position for a while without getting promoted then that is where this whole "he lacks ambition" comes in. This is my understanding based on my experience and what happened to one of my friends recently. He was dumped simply because he was in the same position for couple of years and did not get promoted.

An average career is a career that is above minimum wage, that allows a person to be able to take care of themselves and with HELP--from a wife--allows them to provide somewhat equally in taking care of a family. An average career can be anything from a: fire-fighter, construction worker, banker, General Manager, personal trainer, and so on.

And having "some" ambition, means the ability to at least work your way up to a position that affords you the ability to hold your own financially and emotionally. Yes if you get promoted and work your way up that is some great ambition, but typically women at least want a man that is in a career that does have a future, that does pay decently, has benefits, and that allows for promotion--whether or not the man takes the promotion is up to him.

Really that isn't asking for that much. And being that in America the median income is $43,000--even a man making around that amount would still be considered having "some" drive as opposed to someone making $8.00 an hour and sitting on their butts with no real direction or real goals in mind.

Love him or leave him.

This may be what you have right now and it doesn't look as if that may ever change. Though I'm not suggesting that you just drop the man; you say you love him and that you're crazy about him. At the sametime, having no goals and ambitions is a killer to a person such as yourself looking to do big things in their life. With him, I know it's the money thing. Let's call it what it is because long term says that he isn't making a whole lot of money down the road being here and that doesn't coincide well with dreams of having a family and little crumb-snatchers to take care of. So, if you have a good relationship and no other major defiencies then you need to ask yourself is the money really that important. For some it is and for some it's not; I'm just giving you options to think about. Just because he doesn't make much money doesn't mean that he can't still help out. Now if he's just a bump on a log and has nothing else going for him, lazy and just slugs around the house. Can't cook, can't clean and play video games all day then I think you know what you need to do. But your question was very valid, I just can't give you a definite answer because to me, money really isn't everything. If I got a woman that can do other things to help out I might can get past that.

As a side note, what's with the recent influx of posts about boyfriends that don't have ambition?

I have to wonder--and I made this mistake myself--why a woman gets involved with a man that doesn't have ambition and then later on as they grow in the relationship and as she learns to love him she realizes that "oops I want marriage, kids, and a family, and he can't provide it. WHAT NOW?!" Inevitably leading to dumping the poor bf for qualities that were there initially.

I think people need to *screen* others more especially as they get older and are ready to settle down. If a man doesn't have ambition when your first dating, there is a good chance, that he won't have ambition a year later. It's sad to accept but it's the reality.

There are some circumstances where even the most *driven* men get hit pretty hard by depression or other situations that may cause them to lose the drive temporarily, but for the most part if *drive* wasn't already there, then don't expect for a drive to miraculously show up.

And there's nothing wrong for a woman or a man to expect that their partner makes enough to help with a house, family etc, nor is it wrong for people to *want* those who have drive to achieve more than the minimum. But it is a bit wrong to get involved with someone knowing they don't have what it takes, and then later on dump them for that very same reason.

At least, for the sake of being good person, let him know--OP--your concerns. State it as honestly as possible, and with as much respect possible. Ask him his plan. His goals. And ask yourself where you *fit in* with his goals and if it is a possible match.

Would it be ok for me to expect a girlfriend that has consistent drive to keep herself in good shape and sexy figure year after year or is that shallow?

Would it be ok for me to expect a girlfriend that has consistent drive to keep herself in good shape and sexy figure year after year or is that shallow?

Yes it would be okay. If "physically fit" was a standard and criteria that was important to you in a mate and relationship then yes it is perfectly okay to expect that woman to keep herself "together".

Not shallow in the least.