Boyfriend lacks ambition, should I stay with him?

[mlj]

What the OP does is now up to her. But truth be told, I am really nervous right now. I do not have a girlfriend but when I do get one I am guessing that I will face this same problem. Just a few days ago my friend got dumped for not being ambitious and driven. Last year another friend got dumped because "he was laidback". And there are so many threads here in ENA along the same lines. I think I will have to enjoy my single days while it lasts

 

Gilroy:

You are articulate, communicate well, and seem focused. You have managed to conduct yourself with reason on what could have been a heated topic that decended into mudslinging. This makes me think you are likely a reasonable, and level headed guy. I would hope other could see that in you

[ut804]

here's my view:

What's most important is that the person TRIES and makes an EFFORT. I would break up with someone (and have done so) if they had no goals (or unrealistic goals), never bothered going to school because they don't like to study, were self-employed because they didn't want to wake up early or work everyday, etc.

 

Case of my ex:

He was self-employed selling things over e-bay. Didn't have any benefits (like health insurance), made less than $20,000 a year, was in $70,000 debt to get his business started, etc. He slept until 2:00 pm everyday, smoked pot everyday, took naps, worked whenever he felt like it, listened to music and had his friends over, etc.

I broke up with him. Here I am with a BA and MA degrees, I'm currently working 2 jobs, and I have plans to find a better job. If i marry him, he would just mooch off of me. I would wake up everyday 6 a.m. for work while he slept all day and smoked pot. Not happening! Buh-bye! It's not so much about the money, it's about trying, working hard, and making an effort.

[cmonkee26]

I'm currently in a similar situation, and it's been eating away at me for a long time. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, and with our anniversary just around the corner, I've suddenly realized that nothing significant has really changed in his career. He's 27, and is still working on his associates degree. It's been like pulling teeth to get him to take classes, although he tells me constantly that he's eager to get his degree and find a better job. When I approach him with my concerns, he tells me not to worry and that he wants to do thing on his own time table, and not mine. There's a sadness in my heart while I see all of my friends getting married, and having families while I am still here waiting.

 

I've tried loving, supporting and encouraging him, and also tried to pick up the slack, by changing jobs and trying to moving up the corporate ladder. Yet, there's still a piece that's missing, no matter how hard I try to change myself or to push these feelings aside. I love my job, and I can comfortably support myself, but not enough to support a family, and I constantly feel that if we did start a family, I would be like a car running on two wheels.

 

I've stayed so long because everything else in our relationship is wonderful- he's loving, romantic and supportive. He's sacrificed and changed a great deal for me, as I have for him, and he accepts me just the way I am. But after 6 years, I've come to the conclusion that you really can't change someone if they don't want to change. You can only change yourself to accept it, or leave. I just wish the heart was that simple. I wish that my boyfriend could be my partner, and not my dependent, so we can raise a family and have a wonderful life together.

 

I hope that you have made your decision, as I am still struggling to make mine. Thanks for listening.

[DN]

There is a double standard whether people acknowledge it or not. Few people think twice if a man marries someone with less income or a lower status job but there are raised eyebrows the other way around, and a stay-at-home Dad is still cause for adverse reaction. All of that is due to people failing to accept changing times.

 

But what really matters is what individual people want from their relationships not accepting or rejecting societal changes and expectations. If money and status is important, or looks and figures are important, then people should look for those things in a potential partner and not try and change someone once they are romantically involved with them. To pressure people in that way is a sort of reverse 'bait and switch'.

 

Someone who is unambitious is likely to remain so and they have a right to stay that way if they wish. Someone who doesn't want to be super-fit and model-thin has a right not do that if they wish. Equally, someone should not pretend to be ambitious if they are not and have no intention of being; nor should anyone pretend to want to keep their fit image if they have no intention of keeping that as best they can once in a relationship.

 

So the best course of action is, on the one hand, don't expect to change someone and, on the other, don't pretend to be someone you are not.

[Elast]

This thread was so intriguing that I couldn't stop reading it all night long. I hope you're situation was resolved for the best!

[uacamacho]

well weather your independantor not if your with a partner he or she should help i mean why shouldnt money matter to her shes not gonna be supporting him just because she makes more money or shes independent being independent is all about being able to take care of yourself when your alone not take care of yourself when your with a person than whats the purpose of having someone around.... so yes

[uacamacho]

well said

i totally agree with what you posted